The Unstable Atom

Empty decay

2012-02-10T23:57:00.002+05:30

An empty decay slowly sets in
in the chill of the night
as dried tears leave their mark for the morning sun to letch at

Belief

2012-02-09T19:15:00.002+05:30

I have a belief..
A ridge one.
People come and go and try to taint it.
When I budge they are happy..
But the belief stays..
I have a belief
A sticky one.
It sticks to me like a tick..
It doesn’t let go..
Not even for a moment
It has brought me much joy..
And people I treasure..
The expose themselves..
I have a belief.
A just one.
It makes me drop all masks
And strip naked in front of me..
The show me who they are within..
I have a belief..
A cruel one
It makes me hold one
And tortures me till I give in to it..
It reduces all my resolutions to dust..
Only the belief prevails..
I have a belief
An almighty one.
It is all encompassing
It engulfs all fears and weakness..
It is the only one that is aware..
It is the second skin, under the skin of my soul..
It protects and it nurtures..
I have a belief.. that I believe in :)
That believes in me..

Along comes summer

2012-02-08T11:28:00.000+05:30

And along comes summer
With promises of exams and holidays to follow
The sun preparing to make a statement and the evenings to offer a sudden yet expected breezy solace
Re-introducing me to myself with a light-hearted yet healing banter, sprinkled with that old carefree laugh..
Promises of kids playing out on the afternoon warmed streets
Screaming unadulterated joy..
Promises of the grain to grow and the rain to follow..
Nostalgia seeks melancholy hiding in every possible thing,
I watch on as they play the sweet and sour game of life in the summery breeze.
Promises of a surprise by bringing back something long lost along the way..
Along comes summer, in all its calmly scorching glory.. :)

Days of molten metal

2012-02-07T18:39:00.002+05:30

A molten blob of metal,
Some heavy metal..
And days like a chewing gum,
With weak traces of flavor from some other life time..
A stopped heartbeat, lost in the fabric of space,
And a dead breathe coming back to life in a particular grain of time..
My days of molten metal and old chewing gum.. :)

The bridge and the ropes

2012-02-02T10:00:00.001+05:30

The bridge was you and the ropes me..
Delicate, stubborn, colorful, alive, delicious, seductive, full of love and equally lust, understanding, open, free.. the ropes..
And the bridge was just there.. immovable..
The ropes i cut down..
But the bridge stays.. shall always stay..
The ropes supported as the bridge endured..

But not the bridge stands alone...
The ropes shall spring back to life and not let the bridge fall..
But you need to call, this time around..

The ropes i have cut down..

of a teacher..

2012-01-31T09:46:00.001+05:30

And i said to his teacher- i try to do with words, what u teach him do with notes.. And d teacher watches on from above, as he gives me d chase of my life.. Lost in notes from his golden horn sprinkled with unsaid words exposing secrets of both souls..

Free

2012-01-27T14:40:00.002+05:30

Free from the shackles of bound, ungrateful love..
Free from weakness and from sickness of the minds..
Free from the soul.. and the soul mate..
Freedom needs to celebrate!

Futile

2012-01-27T11:09:00.002+05:30

Bondage, rituals, traditions, society, a joke that men play on the other and on themselves..
The divine plan that the eternal has laid out smiles down on them..
No matter how hard they try, they cannot even get close to breaking us..
The futile efforts of men, fools who shall never look beyond, and never understand the reason for their ever lasting pain..
Who shall never find the happiness of freedom..
The show goes on, even if they close their eyes and turn their backs..
We stay.. forever.. eternal..
These are not the best laid plans, it is the only plan, and the only path..
Give in to them or stand and fight, choose you own way, destiny will play her part anyway and then we shall see.. the spectacle of a lifetime and beyond..
Forever and always..

-The undefeated

Criminal

2012-01-02T19:21:00.003+05:30

Would it be a crime
If i steal a stray thread from the fabric of time?

Perhaps i could gather
all the stray strands
that time has forgotten all over the universe
and sew myself a cloak..

The cloak of invisibility..
invisibility against time..

We could then run with it and yet retain ourselves..

Would it be a crime? :)

BP- you are a criminal!!
CP- awww... :)

Happy New Year!! :)

2012-01-01T18:49:00.002+05:30

BP - yeah babe happy new year!
CP- saaaaiiimmmeee to yaauuu!!

hang on something doesn't seem quite right here!
What the heck! have a good one then! :) :)

a welcome back..

2011-12-26T20:59:00.002+05:30

Feels like a hint of tangy past,
mashed with a dash of spicy future,
mixed well with a bucket full of googy present..
A lovely recipe to start a welcome back.. :)

Bitterness

2011-11-25T17:50:00.002+05:30

Bitterness is like pus.
You need to get it out, throw it up completely, till nothing remains inside.
Only then the wound can begin to heal.
If the bitterness is bottled up inside, all it will do is spread and eat you up from within.. Till you become and empty shell of bitterness..
If you want happiness to come, free up the space and let the bitterness out..
Let people know what you feel.

Pus is not a nice thing to cajole. Remove it by expressing and burn it by apologising, understanding and forgiving. :)

Breaking free

2011-11-24T09:32:00.000+05:30

Step one.

Pause

2011-11-21T11:00:00.000+05:30

Can we resume after a pause?

Our essence! :)

2011-11-04T18:16:00.000+05:30

Equation

2011-11-04T11:10:00.002+05:30

You and me are not two parts which if added equal to something.
You and me are the equation. :)
And hence we balance.

You and yourself = Me and myself :P

Some Marathi stuff..

2011-11-01T11:58:00.003+05:30

..from my midnight dreams. May or may not make sense.. :)

Avgha asmanta ubha samor,
chimba bhijun jeev ola,
tujhya premachya lakh lakhtya tejat nhala..

Sawala hota Ram, to Sitecha..
An sawala hota Krushna, to Radhecha..
Tu sawala nahis mhanun kay..
Sawalach ahe ranga majhya premacha..

Pahate vaat.. Ti sandhyakaal phulanchi..
Pahate vaat.. Ti sarr unhachi..
Pahate vaat.. Ti ratra udyachi..
An pahate vaat.. Mi tujhya vatechi..

Na kalat ase vatale,
Na kalat tu hath sodale,
Na kalat vaat sarli ani ti ratra hi..
Na kalat haluch pani gala la sparshun gele,
na kalat tujha hasu dolya pudhe jhalakale..
Na kalat vaat sarli ani ti vel hi..
Na kalat shwas ata ha lapandav khelato,
Na kalatach ata punha tujha swas majhyat guntato..
Punha? nahi, ha tar tujhach hota, udhar majhya uri..
Na kalat mala, tujhi vaat parat ithe, majhya dishe sathi..

Then, Now and Always

2011-10-31T09:55:00.005+05:30

A violet spine runs down my spine
A green smile flowers on my lips, as you offer a pink glow for my cheeks
My eyes watch you with sparkling golden desire
As blue words spills forth, and you make my heart pound with dark, black love cause nothing is deeper..

Unthinkable

2011-10-31T09:55:00.003+05:30

Forget the skies or coming undone
Forget the meals or the other rides
Forget the tender warm passion and the cold hearted assault
Forget you body and forget mine too if you will
But can you forget you and further still, can you detach me?

Either Or

2011-10-31T09:54:00.002+05:30

Your love is my poison and your pain is the dagger
Slash through my soul now, i’m dead either way

Route

2011-10-31T09:54:00.001+05:30

A snatched smile-
a caged love-
a writhing desire-
a strong truth and then-
a free soul

Decorated Sacrifice

2011-10-31T09:53:00.000+05:30

On a bed of roses, under a sky filled with stars
Decorated on my heart with the eyes sprinkling the eternal
Here is my sacrifice for you
For it is easy when you know deep down, where you belong..
For it is easier when you accept..
So here i walk away, right into your heart- just the way you want
For it is easiest when you can read and understand the unsaid unspoken truths
Truth begins where world proclaimed lies fall to ashes, for here is where you belong..

cross-over

2011-10-20T17:17:00.004+05:30

The smell carries, onto me..
The image lives, inside me..
The touch becomes, me..
The beating, the throbbing and the thrashing...
Its all You...
Crossed-over to me.. into and onto..
:)

A question to all

2011-10-13T09:43:00.000+05:30

What is the power of truth?

Rain.. Again

2011-10-12T16:21:00.002+05:30

The drops drip on the window sill now..
Gently, just as viscously as the rain lashed the sound proof glass..
Breaking the morose silence..
Bringing something back from the dead..
The drops sit idly now, on the sheer window sill and in my eyes..
A few roll down here and some struggle down there..
The glass stands tall, unhurt, glorious..
The rain sobs.. for me..
as i ache for him..
he comes, whenever he wishes now..
Takes the world by a storm and bears all the rage..
but he charges down and engulfs me in his arms..
to be one.. one with my rain..
He showers.. and he doesn't cease with all his love and show of affection..
louder than the birds covering on trees,
more cruel the human wastage,
more harsh than the sun in the heart of a desert,
and yet.. so quiet.. so strong.. so mine.. all mine..
my rain.. again.. and again.. :)

She

2011-09-30T12:14:00.003+05:30

She of the doe-y eyes,
Vulnerable, confident and scared all the same..
She sneaks in and makes sure you know it too..
She steals and she wins all that is hers.. and sometimes lets go too, only to find it back..
She breathes, and lives.. she breaks free..
your mother, your child and your lover..
She juggles all with you..
She dreams and fulfils, she makes you feel you'd never known her, and you cannot let go..
She is in your dreams and in your life too..
you have no choice, she is you and you are her too!!

:) from a prawn

Audience

2011-09-27T13:47:00.002+05:30

Who is yours?

A couple

2011-09-27T13:46:00.000+05:30

Not two halves and a whole
But two full and a complete

:)

He

2011-09-27T09:49:00.002+05:30

He looks at you and you don't know where to hid yourself..
He can look right through you but will never let you know he did..
He is a hoarder himself and calls me one too..
A glimpse of his says a millions things at a time..
You crave for him to decorate it in words.. he hesitates, because when he does manage to carve them into words, they slash across your being like a million knives.. the pleasure, the pain, the unbearable intensity that he emancipates...
He can sweep you off your feet and out of your mind and then there is no turning back.. He shall always be there watching you..
The eyes which are papery shallow at once and the deepest of dangerous falls next..
He devours like the assailant and pleas as the prey..
He fakes the reality out of life and smokes up a painted picture..
Would you like him to be your dream-catcher? or as core in the life of your being?
you have no choice.. cause he is both.. he is you.. and you him :)

For the Bull.

of something.. indeed something

2011-09-26T12:01:00.004+05:30

A lull,
a seemingly infinite slumber..
sleep walking through days..
some pinpricks..
a dream here and there..
the hope to feel it..
and the slumber again..
a certain defeat-like loss..
a hope to drive on..
And then, a sudden flash!
a filling up of spaces..
a moulding, a melting down of barriers..
a meshing up.. seamless togetherness..
of the souls..
and yet an utter loss of memory..
of the joyfulness
of the immense peace..
of the being and the belonging..
of the owning..and being owned.. possessed
of the mating.. of souls.. all over again...
of realisations and fear..
of craving to know.. and yet not..
the return of the unspoken word..
the empowerment of the eyes..
once again.. all over again.. :)
something.. indeed a something....

My gem

2011-09-13T09:53:00.002+05:30

The calm that is born of depth..
The sallowness wreaks havoc..
My gem lies at the heart..
The heart of the ocean, endlessly deep and calm.. :)

Strangers

2011-09-12T13:29:00.002+05:30

They whisper to me,
of things that would weaken me..
They lure me into their sticky trap,
The same one from which I freed myself..
But the are relentless..
I try not to give in,
I fight back..
For I see your face shining, smiling like a soft reassuring orange sun..
They whisper things..
That freeze me in my track..
The track I've chosen to lead me to you..
I close my ears and my eyes..
my heart shows me the way,
through these capturing shadows..
They keep whispering,
but I choose not to listen, I realise I can!
I walk on..
Through all these known strangers..
I walk to you...
Do they whisper to you too??
Their ensnares shall carry on even when we are dead and gone..

one fine day

2011-09-08T09:21:00.002+05:30

A twinkle,
A flash.
Conviction..
And an unbreakable vow!
Just the one forever..
Over and over again :)

A distant memory

2011-09-07T09:43:00.002+05:30

A distant memory lost in a fact
The fact itself feels like a dream
The stubborn strands of this fragile fabric
Still play the game of entanglement and i ripped them apart..
This once and over again..
I dream..
of a distant land,
visions of an emotion,
unknown perhaps to my race..
yet it dances and jeers at me every minute
because it was un-veiled a long time ago..
The memory evaporated under the waters, dissolved in the air, engulfed in eyes of strangers
Left alone to its own devices, to be found, some day..
to bid its time..
a distant memory..

silence

2011-09-05T12:56:00.002+05:30

Leaves dance to a vicious beat today
and the blooming flowers cower
as a sign beckons..
a cut on the finger, as the clouds dense up
birds tarry home, as the eyes widen, water and eventually close..
a storm silences all

Morning raga

2011-09-02T10:31:00.005+05:30

Cold wet morning..
Sleepy like a warm curled cat..
Leaves fresh and yet lazy with the slight occasional breeze,
like a song birds's dull reluctant yet sweet little tune..
The lone Gulmohar a lush green well endowed fan, a royal fabric marvellously sitting on the hard brown velvety bark...
Cows graze about, sauntering in the dew laden grass..
The palm trees dance to the steadily splattering rain..
Vehicles drift by slowly on empty rain blackened roads..
A cycle lays out its own rhythm..
As the heart today beats to a different drummer..

Void

2011-08-26T16:11:00.002+05:30

a void.
The one after not knowing to drink water first or to breathe after a long tedious run.
The one after narrowly missing crushing a stray pedestrian on the street.
The one after a dog chases you down.
The one when you think you've found the perfect dress for your wedding.
The one when the phone flashes a long awaited long distance call.
The one when the entire universe seems to be flowering in a particular moment
The one when you are about to experience your first kiss...
The one when you meet you soul mate
The one when words lose all meaning
The one when you are left stranded at the altar, or at the threshold of love.. of life..

A Float

2011-08-19T16:31:00.003+05:30

She playfully floats of her own accord..
Braving the unseen, unknown scapes and sounds
Her inherent nature..
Woody, hard and yet light..
She tags along when the wind leads her..
And so do the waves..
But some times they force her away..
She cannot survive without the sea..
Who is her reason to be..
They do overpower her and make her drown at times..
Against her will and against his too...
She bears it without a weep..
Lying quietly at the heart of her beloved..
Who swallows her helplessly weeping bitter tears..
For all those to traverse to watch..
A tale of a love, alive and yet not fulfilled..
A tale never told, a tale known and yet not repeated..
To be lived in death..
And yet not meant to die..
She floats to the heart.. and lays fulfilled..
While the ocean is thirsty.. as is his destiny..
She's still now and he wishes to float..

You walk out

2011-08-11T18:02:00.002+05:30

You walk out..
of the door, of the life..

You don't turn back..
While I watch you walk..

You laugh..
You care..
You belong..

You abandon your shell..
dark, cold, unloved..

You leave me behind..
dazed, broken, empty..

You look back..
May be notice a young woman wrinkled faded slight among all your memories smoked by age..
Holding on still, Watching as now it is time that tries to snatch you away..
Any you walk out..
You walk away, wiping the figments from you tired eyes..
Of a time in another galaxy, some other age.. when you were happy
A dream perhaps..

you walk out..
of the dream, of the world.. but never from my heart..

Afterwards..

2011-08-11T10:51:00.002+05:30

Will you cry your eyes dry?
Will you curse the heavens above?

Will you waste away like a wilted leaf waiting to be blown by the slight breeze?
Will you mourn like a melting candle?

Will you rejoice?
Will you remember?

Will you avenge?
Will you just let go?

Will you resume your life instant..
at just one call?
Will you throw it all away
at a moment's notice?

Will you follow or will you stay..
Will you insist, will you search?

Will you breakdown or stay strong

Will you drown yourself in an addiction, will you remember the face?
Will you remember the caress?
Will you remember the moments?

Will you forget, or make yourself forget?
Will you keep holding on?

What will you do.. Afterwards..

After i'm gone.. dead and gone..

made of lies

2011-08-10T14:22:00.002+05:30

Made of lies it feels,
And the feeling lies too..

All was a lie and then the lie lied..
A lie is better in a way, it stands for what it is..
Truth on the other hand has various versions.. (read somewhere)

I prefer lies at times, so long as it promises to stay..
But the truth will always stay and is not conditional so i prefer it always..

The tiny bug on the grass besides me,
The rustle of wind as you arrive...
The twinkle in you eyes that caresses me gently,
The taste that lingers on my lips..

The lies of it all and yet the truth..

Our lie is our truth..
And what lies beneath is the truth..

It is ours hence beautiful :)

The moleculised atom reflects

2011-08-09T18:02:00.003+05:30

A realization which in turn has many more following it like a chain of ducklings.. :)
The atom was and always me, though i maybe many more things than just it. This molecule will be incomplete without this atom! :)

Being a molecule does not mean giving up being an atom, that is exactly what i tried doing and hence i ended up doing many thing i could've avoided, if only i had not misinterpreted.

When someone falls in love with you, they love the person they met. When they try to change something about you, they don't mean to change the person they met and love! Its our misinterpretation that makes us believe that they want to change us!

So well welcome back my dear atom, though i know you never left.. You have you place rightfully back. I traveled, i liked some places, but nothing replaces my home, which lies with you and it is because of you that i found my home..

You have seen me grow and grow back.. :)

You have always been a faithful companion and a tolerant friend.

If you find the changes that i gathered while i was away, and those you will, please be patient, I'm still the same person, maybe a bit better a bit worse, but all in all the same core.

You graciously waited for me, something i am so bad at. Thank you..
I will learn from you. I will not say it was a mistake to go away, but a learning experience. You've taught me that everything is a learning. You've always shown me that. And you came back when you are needed the most. You give me strength to look at myself, you are the mirror i need, you are the paper i ponder over, you are my inspiration, no wonder i couldn't write much anywhere else.

There is no need for others when you are capable of being everything for me. The usual "friend, philosopher and guide" but much more, you are my eyes which help me look at myself, very much needed in time of such crisis when no one would quite understand.

You bring me peace, you bring me joy, you brought me my Bull.. there is nothing more i could've ask and i abandoned you. Please forgive me. i know you will understand, the Bull will too :)

The atom has grown like everything has to. Living in a molecule, picking up its qualities but not losing the atom-ness, her uniqueness.

Thank you for letting me back in. :)

Yours sincerely,
BP & CP

BP- yeah right you never wanted to come back!
CP- shut up, it was only a mask i wore, you know how people are back there! *shivers*
BP- yeah yeah yeah, scary mutt! :P hehehehahaha! i love laughing this way. *grin silly-ly*
CP- i love you!
BP- *choke* WAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!?!!?!?
CP- :)
BP- *HUG*
CP- *suffocate*

welcome back guys!! :) :)

and words poured randomly.. :)

2011-06-03T10:32:00.002+05:30

A thousands and millions of them
you never walk alone, when you walk into the darkness
i'm always there with you, oh thousands and millions of you!
hit the black streets and the car wound-up windows
them rain drops, you never walk alone, when its the rain..
My rainy wet love!
i'm always with you..
Green trees sway and the glass fogs up..
Like pinpricks and tickles on my flesh, eyes and fingers!
drenched to the bone, and to the soul.. my dear darling love..
colors and grey i charge into the blur..
my love awaits, my love pours.. all over, im wet inside and out..
you are never alone, as the darkness parts.. to make way..
to make way for my rainy wet love!! :)

He is here..!!!

2011-05-26T16:17:00.003+05:30

Blowing, fighting, braving all the storms here he comes crashing all for me and her!
Our rain is here, and with him he brings all that we crave for- Himself..
She blossoms out in a fragrance that no perfume can match, as a gift to him, to show what his presences does to her..
And all i can do is watch them unite and expresses my joy by letting him drench me too..
My rain.. is here..
And this time he meets the molecule, my wait is fruitful, so i hope it will be :)

Happy monsoon!! :)

Rain...

2011-05-18T13:14:00.003+05:30

Blissfully woven white cotton candy,
flavored with a grey sprinkle..

Ladling over some chilly breeze,
perfumed by the hint of your presence..

Eyes search forever blue,
For the sight of your arrival..
For the sense of your touch..
For the being in your being..
For you..

Rain..
My rain..
Come through.. and come soon.. :)
Hanging on to dizzy daylight dreams..

"Moleculizing"

2011-03-02T20:26:00.002+05:30

That word does not exist.. but da heck! 3 years completed for the atom.. and finally its time for molueculizing!! :) so its about time for the (unstable) atom to turn into a (stable) molecule.. will continue writing on my other blog.. but its finally to let the atom rest..
BP and CP might continue the journey with me, but im sure they prefer staying where the atom was.. its time to say good bye to them too, though they might still be with me in a very limited capacity..
It was a nice experience, getting to share my thoughts and much more here..
The atom brought me many experiences.. And some very precious elements, which shall stay on till i am..
Thank you!!
- The molecule in making

Need a change.. Desperately..

2011-02-20T20:49:00.002+05:30

Been thinking too much.. and yes it has to be too much if i feel it is so!! :S
Need a break.. from myself.. So the simplest solution i see, turn to things i used to do like ages ago, indulge in books.. simple ones.. light romances.. that was the world i lived in, its about time to go back.. feels as if i've traveled too far in too short a span of time.. its scary.. its intimidating and i cannot handle it.. i don't need a change, i need to change.. a lot of things.. guess sometimes when a lot of things changes in a short time it has adverse effects on many things.. i let it happen to me and lost many things.. many important people.. and now feels like i'm losing myself.. but i know i can hold on. its about time to grab as tightly as i can, without causing any more damage.. just praying it works out.. i hope.. so many things to do and i feel helpless and stuck.. another solution is cut the thought process completely.. the long trailing thoughts n threads are the reason behind most of my troubles and pain.. gotta start taking things at face value.. and generally take things lightly.. hope it works!! :)

I know you

2011-02-15T11:48:00.002+05:30

I know you!
So simple to say, so easy to understand..
And yet I'm blinded now..
You acted like someone i did not really know..
Or maybe i did..
But I'm blinded now..
I know you so well..
And you know it too..
Yet you blind folded me by your acts..
But i know you still..
i will know you always..
you cannot hide behind fake indifference..
You never could, not from me..
I know you, as far as any person can be known..
Rest all changes as every moment passes..
But i know the essence of you..
I know you!

Rules

2011-02-10T10:54:00.003+05:30

Are we strong enough to not break them?
But patient enough to change them?
Are we ready to bear the pain
Which accompanys such enormous patience?
If not then its just us with nothing of our own..
All loaned from them..
For the few brave hearts who do dare to soar and dream apart from what the rules dictate..

of tragedies..

2011-02-09T09:29:00.001+05:30

Every hero has a tragedy
Every tragedy is an opportunity for a hero to be born..

Back on track?

2011-01-05T17:42:00.003+05:30

After all that the past year was, everything that it gave me suddenly and everything that it took away just as suddenly, it seems now, today in this moment, that life is back on the track that i'd deviated from.. It the same evening, almost the same feeling that was around 7 months ago, when i newly joined office.. when i was getting to know people around.. when i'd just one buoy that i held on to.. though now people around seem alright, and perphaps they find me to be ok too.. if the ignore the sudden changes in hair styles etc.. hehe.. but yes, right now it feels like i'm back to square one.. After all the excitement, crushed dreams.. i think this is my way to follow.. but hang on, i remember i'd said the same about some other path too!! maybe the are intertwined then? wish i could know.. but contradictorily i feel musch surer than i ever was!! god knows how confusion and certainty live hand in hand peacefully like this.. But feel really contemplative now, more like an external person observing my own life over the past few months..
I knew i had deviated. so badly at that. I fell for something that was never on my mind, not in the wildest of my dreams. I believed, still do somewhere.. Perhaps will continue to believe in whatever i had.. But i need to let go.. of so many things.. so many of my freshly budding dreams.. i realised that you do deviate at times, its good to get lost sometime.. enjoy the ride, but when you are thrown back t othe path that you are meant to follow, you should be able to let go of the deviation.. holding on to it will not bring it back.. But yes you can always believe, that it will come back.. and who knows maybe some day it will.. :)

But for now, surely feels like the old days.. strange, i'd hoped for the circles to stop.. but seems like they will go on.. as nature intends.. completely nature's child it seems.. :) back on track it is then?

Losing touch

2011-01-05T13:49:00.001+05:30

Feels as if i'm losing touch..
And yet here they come..
in all their glory..
vanishing in thin air..
:) feels like im losing touch..

A new path

2010-12-27T12:40:00.004+05:30

Thought i would write an exceptional post about the year that was.. About so many things that happened, in every facet of my life.. But there are no words that can do justice to what this year has been.. It has been everything.. and nothing.. and being nothing, it has been everything.. :)
Just a huge heap of nostalgia on my heart and mind.. probably will spend the last moments of the year re-living it... It has been heavily distinct in its features and all that it has given me, taken away from me, made me feel.. everything has been very different than usual, and different than the normal different too..
I lost myself completely, lost friendship, lost the love that i wanted and had.. gained some of it back again.. learned a lot of lessons, yes there was a lot of learning.. Understanding that i cannot avoid the painful process of growing up.. Though i thought i was not afraid of it, i surely am not comfortable with it.. Growing up and all that it entails, including patience and a lot of waiting.. I understood that i am growing up, and growing as a person, towards being a better one.. I understood that this pain is the thing that has kept me alive, and that helps me grow.. Cause the metal has to go through fire that the diamond has to bear pain to become what they are really meant to be.. to unleash the potential within..
This year was one of its kind.. A turning point in many facets of my life.. A major mile stone in discovering myself, or atleast i gained some mileage in the process of discovering.. There is so much to talk about, though i've written about everything all through the year.. This time, the circle has been opened.. And hopefully it will not close again for me.. Let history be it, and be at peace.. I've found a way to go, and i've decided to stick to the path, atleast a little longer than what i usually would, and here lays the difference of past and present, the future anyway remains elusive.. :)
But the strongest feeling is that of nostalgia.. and then the excitement of walking on the chosen path.. into the new year!

Happy New Year all!! :) Hope you have a fulfilling peaceful year ahead.. have a blast.. and keep rocking.. remember, what you want lays within you.. reach within yourself and reach out to them outside.. :) cheers!!

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-24T12:54:00.001+05:30

The stars shall shine down on you, lightening up your path, every dark night..
The sun will glow upon your rested eyes and give you strength for another day..
May god bless you with abundance and fulfillment.. and heaps of love, inside and out.. :)

Happy christmas... :) Hope you all have a great year and life ahead, full of peace, love and fulfulliment.. :)

Silence

2010-12-23T10:30:00.001+05:30

They lay subdued..
Deep inside..
The warm flecks curled up trapped in the cold..
Silent..
For a space of their own..
They lay there.. Bidding their time..

Big day

2010-12-17T10:18:00.004+05:30

I got all the color,
I got light..
and i got someone to hold me tight..
I slunk to the bottom,
and rose to the top..
And then i was a flop..
I grew up and i grew strong..
Sometimes it feel right and sometimes just all wrong..
I fought, i won..
I got it all back...
Yet now before i hit the sack..
I look at the way,
and wonder, when was my big day?
which is my big day?

Miles to go

2010-12-10T15:07:00.001+05:30

A way to go, the desire to, too...
why get bogged down then, when you are doing what you have to,
obstacles come, n so will they go..
Keeping the flame of will, hope and love alive..
For we have miles to go..
Before we meet.. And that is when the journey shall begin..

Elated

2010-12-08T12:23:00.001+05:30

When you feel elated for no reason at all..
When there's excited laughter bursting to be let loose..
When you just can't stop smiling..
When there is a reason but it eludes you..
And still it doesn't matter..
When you are in a state of bliss..
And nothing matters,
When you are yourself! :)

Mirrored

2010-12-07T10:10:00.002+05:30

What happens when two mirrors are kept facing each other? They reflect, infinity.. eternity..
If something else comes in front of them, they reflect that too..
But its not the same..
It keeps searching for the the mirror..
They have to be two of a kind..
And once they meet, there's no turning back..
Mirrored souls..
Your soul mirrors..
And so does mine.. :) Till eternity..

A wait- the beginning

2010-12-06T09:34:00.001+05:30

My forever as begun..

Rescue, and celebration

2010-12-04T17:04:00.003+05:30

They come to my rescue as always!! ;)
just needed some persuading this time..
some grime of sadness bogging them down, some dust of having wrongly used them.. needed cleaning..
That is the reason they hesitated i think.. One of the very few times they hesitated.
But they still trust me.. :) So here they come..
They bring back my life, they bring back a connection i cannot breathe without.. They found me my life, and they brought him to me.. They still hold him to me.. They always will..
Its him that they come out for.. Always did, and always will..
No wonder they go into that shell of theirs, when i don't use them appropriately..
But i know now.. Well they too know i did not mean them, maybe that's why they did not like it, why use them if they are not meant to be! :O :)
But they've come to my rescue.. To be there with me, to remind me of all the wonders they can make happen, of how well they can express the deepest of feelings.. sometimes by sagas and sometimes just a single dot.. :)
So here they are to celebrate, the being.. Their and mine.. and of all the things we've expressed together.. All the things they've brought to me.. including you.. :)
They are here with me still.. We celebrate the story that they initiated.. The story which we tried to ruin with all we had, and yet it stays.... They shall make sure of it.. Since it is upto them, their reputation to keep it together. :) No matter what.. :) so here we celebrate this realization.. While i apologize with all i have, for using them wrongly, for saying things i never meant. Thanking them, for the strength they gave me to use them. I'm sorry for not using them correctly. A celebration of rescue, thanksgiving, apologizing and hoping.. A hope that never dies.. :) A hope brought forth by them.. For a story that still goes strong..
Thank you and I'm sorry..

A story

2010-12-03T16:40:00.001+05:30

A bull and a prawn..
Where will their story take them?

Can't wait for forever to begin..

Sigh

2010-12-03T15:03:00.004+05:30

Let me breathe unto you,
the magic that you've woven over me
Each shining grain, filling color in my ears
Each fleck of the spell,
that binds me to you
A spell that is not.
Deep and warm, making my skin glow
The dark studded with silver,
Like your slight peck on my cheek
Let me breathe you in,
into me...
Like dragonflies and ripples on water
Like the touch of skin, soft, subtle, silk
The rough edges of a bike ride
into the mountain roads
Like winey swollen lips, cradled in each other's arms
Let me breathe in,
the sigh that carries you, over all the oceans to me..
To be meshed with mine..
Oh! Sigh away..
My lullaby, and my drug..
Your sigh, the music of my life..
Your sigh, that carries you over all distances, to me.
That binds you to me..
Speaking of things unsaid,
Like the whispers of a lover, in the wake of a sleepy sun..
Our song, for life.. and beyond..

Soul flavoured ice cream, anyone?

2010-12-03T14:54:00.004+05:30

Its so weird! Realisations, Analogies, what have you!
When i was a kid, i always wanted mom to make ice cream at home. but she used to say its a tedious process. i don't remember exactly, but i've got this process of making ice cream at home in mind, which involved constantly letting the mixture cool, and putting it through the mixer n disturbing it again, n den letting it settle and then again disrupting it. So what i just realised is, that the same is happening to me. These negative thoughts, n the questioning, doubting side of me, keeps disrupting the mixture of emotions and decisions in my mind. And then they get settled again after a while, n i feel stronger. Its so weird.. It is said that by this process of making ice cream, it becomes richer n smoother, there are less of granules or things sticking out of it..
So i guess i'm in one such process, of constantly going in the mixer of the negativity, and then snapping out of it. Its helping me see how fragile my negative self is becoming! And strengthening me, and my decisions, with each snap out of the negative phase! :O :)

BP: you are my ice cream queen..babay! :D
CP: yeah i've been thru one of those. why do you think i can bear your darling BP, and still be so sane? :)

Love's Siesta

2010-12-03T10:41:00.003+05:30

It withdraws..
One sunny afternoon..
Beneath the shade of an old forlorn tree..
It watches, eyes wide shut.. Everything that passes..
Within and without..
It withdraws..
From the intensity, from the depth..
One fresh morning..
Atop a sulking mountain..
It feels, tightly covered.. Everything that caresses..
Around and away..
It withdraws..
One gay night..
In the lights that brighten up faces, and streets, and hearts..
It listens, ear drums bursting.. Everything that plays..
Above and below..
It withdraws..
One moment in life..
Within itself.. Just being.. Everything and nothing..
Being..
It withdraws, It waits..
It tells a story and listens to it too..
But it is muted and it is deaf..
It feels not, and becomes nothing..
It withdraws.. waiting for it to end..

Tell me again

2010-11-28T21:23:00.002+05:30

He: Tell me again why i still love you so much..
She: Its not love, only infatuation.

She: I love you too..

:)

color

2010-11-26T21:56:00.002+05:30

I paint my nails these days
That's the only color in life

(Catching the seahorse bug. Check him out: http://dreamshalfdreamt.blogspot.com/ )

Fallin over, apart, all over!!

2010-11-26T18:24:00.002+05:30

WHY! does it happen that just when things seem to be going alright.. Just taking baby steps towards being alright, do they have to fall over?!! Like completely fall apart?!!? Be it relations, work, studies!! anything!! It seems like a bug that i've caught on to of late!! :( Just too frustrating when things are about to reach a certain point before they just collapse!!!! i mean fine if something goes wrong on the way.. you can set it right.. but everything is going fine.. and exactly at the last moment it goes completely haywire! :O i mean WHY!! :O :O :( GGGRRRRrrrrr.. trying hard to not let these things get to me, and affect my moods making them even worse than before.. but just cannot help taking things out from office! :( :( it will get back alright.. can be properly mended.. but why should it go wrong in the first place!! so many efforts.. wish i could've been more careful.. hating every bit of this carelessness.. :( hope i can do better here on.. :( :(
Just about EVERYTHING is falling apart.. even apart from work.. Just after making certain decision.. and trying to stick to them.. Why is this sadness loneliness just waiting to grope at me? its obscene the way it comes charging and takes control of everything inside..
How much ever you try.. to just be.. to stick to decision why do they always go out of hand? if its a test i do not want to give it. im not prepared.
the bitter taste of things falling apart stays on.. :( :( why?

just a picture

2010-11-24T17:04:00.002+05:30

Water inching down slowly..
down the drench skin..
The beats echo..
Ear drums take the blows of the sticks
Being one with the skins..
It pours outside with some thunder too, lightens up the empty street, time and again..
The beats are me.. and so are the sticks, and the skins..
Some soft steam from an old coffee mug, fogging a tiny part of the window glass..
The eyes close then and muscles tense..
The beats play a crecendo..
And then when none can go on no more,
ireduces to a soft thud..
Lazy caressing of the skins and the metal..
And then the smile...
A sip of the coffee...
Acknowledging the wetness and the warmth, head to toe..
The beat still echoes..
Readying for the next..

That night

2010-11-24T11:15:00.001+05:30

That night was drunk..
on alcohol. on broken dreams. on pain. on one word.
-a dangerous cocktail.

That night was unbelieveably, drunk.
That night stole me from you.

Knotted

2010-11-23T11:02:00.002+05:30

Knotted. Right from the beginning
and yet attempted to be solved..
cut open if not undone, Burnt if not opened..
Yet they do not separate,
not matter what we try..
The knots remain,
etched in time..
For all the time to come..
knotted strands of the souls..
Each strand knotted with the other's..
A fabric of love,
immortal, though the mortals shelter it, do not shelter it.
It remains immortal..
Knotted knots..
Undestructible..
Cut wide open, burnt, drowned, and yet they are still there..
Knotted in eternity, with the fabric of time..
Their souls shall stay.. Knotted

In them. Forever

2010-11-23T11:02:00.001+05:30

The world melts around
Everything is noticed, a blur or color and light
A smile surprises, when was it born?
Walking a thousand miles, away..
Hide and Seek..
In one's arms, and then the other's i sway..
You remain rooted, and yet you follow..
His face reflects,
Every perfume imitates,
Every touch is copied,
Ensnaring my senses..
Its you.
For we shall stay..
Forever, for the other.
In another.

Murder

2010-11-19T11:19:00.001+05:30

Nip it in the bud. Don't let it grow.
Kill it, murder it. Don't let it live.
If this seed flowers, it will only taint the love that sowed it.
Don't let it grow. Kill it and murder what sowed it too.
It will die anyway.
Murder.

i write

2010-11-18T14:34:00.002+05:30

Thought i'd write..
but what could i?
they said i should
i feel so too
but what should i?
So i just let them flow..
the words..
They come and they go.
as they please..
like a breeze on a wind..
they mean a lot at time..
and then they make no sense at all..
the words, the letters, the ramble and the jumble..
i'd thought i would write..
wonder what i should?
so i just let them pass by,
the thoughts and feelings, the crude and the fine..
the words..
come and go as they please..
not meaning a thing and the world at times! :)
I write..
something..
anything..
everything..
i write..

unknown sign

2010-11-18T09:49:00.002+05:30

I see a star, from my bedside window..
The first one ever, since i started looking out of this one..
It blinks unnaturally, and it bobs (!) knowingly..
It is a shiny star, or is it?
Is it a random star, or a planet? perhaps a plane, or some alien spaceship??
But why is it staring down at me?
It wants to lead me somewhere,
It wants me to follow..
I try to see, but i hold back, what if..
What if its not where i want to go?
I look away, i think..
Think hard..
I look back, and its still there, waiting..
It keeps blinking madly and ever slowly inching away..
Mysterious, Smiles.
And yet u cannot understand,
A smile is the universal language, isn't it literally universal?
The stars are always there,
Always watching,
And the always know..
But what is this one doing here tonight?
How did it manage to get my attention?
How did it float upto my window and get my attention?
And then my unsuspecting mind grabs it..
The skies that it soars,
The path that it lights up,
The secrets that it is tempted to reveal,
It is a sign.

I pen this down and turn to look back at it,
But its gone.
Disappeared behind the cloudy galaxy? or taken off on its own? Was it never there? or really a sign then?

Journey

2010-11-16T09:46:00.003+05:30

Did not know i will return so soon!! :O but then who knows anything? :) So here it is..

I stood stranded,
Still, un-moving, staring ahead..
The empty roads beckoning me,
yet again.
The time to turn back,
is long gone..
The palaces of sand and dreams,
have vanished behind me, as a sand storm blew,
just when i turned to look ahead,
at the empty roads..
yet again.
A journey beckons me..
This time its a complete stranger..
Time shows me the way,
hope, my hopeless companion, still holds on tight..
Apprehension, fear tag at my heart..
the soul is empty..
and yet a journey is required of me..
There are signs now..
the ones that i never knew of, never noticed,
or maybe, refused to believe..
But a journey calls me..
A journey, just a journey..

Au revoir

2010-10-27T10:13:00.004+05:30

Not a good-bye, but a see you later..
Not an "a dieu" but an "au revoir"
Because the journey of the atom continues..
Its time for some rest, and some reflection..
An attempt to look at all the other things that seem to have appeared out of thin air,
Though they were always there..
Numerous reasons for attempting to unravel the unstable atom, and numerous for a break too..

Sometimes ink stained fingers are just better...

CP: good, i needed a nice break anyway, was over worked!
BP: man!! i had just started warming up gurl!! n now a holiday! :O but yipppeee!! naything is gooooooood!! :D i anyway had that one mountain in mind.. n some beach too!! :D cheers amigo! :D seee yaaaaa!!

PS: My other blog is still functional.. :)
many thanks to all the followers for being there for me.. :) it means a lot! hang on and you might get to read more someday from the unstable atom as well.. the open book that life is.. good luck.. and god bless..

A path

2010-10-26T15:55:00.002+05:30

Decide a path
Stick to it no matter what
Follow it to the world's end
And when the path itself gives up?
Stare in disbelief
Or just start all over again

Scribbled

2010-10-26T15:54:00.002+05:30

A pice of paper
Scribbled all over
Torn into a thousand pieces
And asked to live each one together

Ashes

2010-10-25T09:30:00.003+05:30

They lay on the wind now
The ashes do
Sometime they would brush you too..
Perhaps you would remember, maybe you won't..
They've gone off with the wind and the fire,
The memories, the souvernirs
They freed me from their clutches
On the wind they lay now
The people, the feelings and some parts of me turned to ashes..

2010-10-22T11:31:00.001+05:30

Re-embarking on the journey left mid-way
Finding the way to that path left alone
Through the lanes and bi-lanes that distracted

Lost in never's

2010-10-22T09:33:00.002+05:30

Never the rainbows,
always the clouds..

Never the silver lining,
always the darkness..

Never the dancing trees,
always the floods..

Never the care,
always the hurt..

Why are forevers so short?

2010-10-13T16:39:00.001+05:30

A walk- part III

2010-10-12T22:53:00.002+05:30

She gets picked up
By one and then another
She plays a game
she gambles
Her heart is the bait and so is her smile
She looks but fails to notice the sly glint of lust and deception
She gets picked up and then she gets dropped off
Sometimes in luxury
Sometimes in a shady bar downtown a grime filled alley
Someone calls her princess of his heart
yet another leaves her on the sidewalk
she gambles she plays a game
may the best man win, and so he does
he wins the game of running around
he never tires
and then she falls broken
back to the game
with her heart as the bait
she plays
she gambles

A walk- Part II

2010-10-12T22:48:00.002+05:30

i notice myself..
from a lone balcony, as i walk on the road..
i look at the couples, whispering sweet nothings,
i stare at the naked lies..
how well they wear love..
everyone of them.. as if it was stitched on them..
wrapped in gifts n loving words,
in caresses laced with fake care..
oh the quicksand of lies, and the fall deeper inside..
and yet the don't notice..
they will suffocate, when the lie explodes, in the white light of truth..
the colors will show then, they will know..
the fake emotions will all die, and they will die in unison..

A walk- Part I

2010-10-12T22:43:00.002+05:30

i look up to see the jet leave smokey white trails in the velvety indigo night sky..
i stumble on my feet in the rubble of the well trodden road..
i notice some stale crumbs of bread, untouched after having fallen there..
the jet returns, and flies overhead again..
something is stuck to my sole, or so i feel..
can't get ride of it so i let it be..
n carry on walking, as people watch me pass..
everyone with a place to go to..
with someone to call their own..
while i listen to rings, which then go dead..
cursing my destiny and wondering at it all..

The time has come

2010-10-10T09:43:00.002+05:30

The time has come..
Change intertwined as never before..
The time has come..
To leave myself behind.
The memories are from another life..
To be forgotten as a shadow in the fog, from a running train..
The scar will fade, however deep the wounds..
The time has come to starting coming alive..
all over again..
The time has come to let go, all that comes with life..
The eyes will glass over, there shall be teething pains..
But the scars will fade cause its time has come..

couldn't name this one..

2010-10-08T13:38:00.002+05:30

in the distance someone calls..
my limbs feel nothing..
whose voice is that, it bothers the slumber..
is this a dream?
why am i mangled?
it was a bright sunny day..
or was that a night?
what is it now?
there is no time..
a breeze.. cold..
are those lights or stars?
why is everything dark and wet?
i cannot breathe..!!
thrashing about..
its cold..
There is some pain.. distant..
the voice has stopped..
i want it back, i feel scared alone..
the pain grows.. slowly but heavily..
my heartbeats quicken..
i cannot control them..
was there rain involved?
and some medicines..
or maybe a dream..
i try to pinch but nothing moves,
my limb are frozen..
the voice calls again..
im disturbed, my concentration breaks..
it was a night.. i remember the bricks and the marks that they left.. brick marks.. i remember the pain..
the pain is increasing, crossing the threshold of my patience.. my ability to contain..
it was the heart which broke..
how is there blood everywhere?
its all red..
i see someone.. the voice.. the love.. the pain.. white hot.. i can see darkness.. i go blank.. like a tv when the power is cut off..

The silly girl..

2010-10-06T10:16:00.002+05:30

I sometimes feel like the silly girl.
Who runs away from home, from people who love her, adore her, care for her..
For someone she loves much more..
For someone who promised her the sun and the stars..
For someone who promised to leave the whole world behind if she would go with him..
For someone who said he loved her like he loved no one before..
For someone who made her come alive..
For someone who opened a whole new array of possibilities..
For someone who gave her new dreams.. beautiful dreams..
For someone who gave her a hope to live..
For someone who gave a new life.. For herself and within her.. A bud of love thriving inside..
And the time came, she left her old world behind.. Knowing her love will be there with open arms waiting for her.. To run away with her, go to far off lands.. to keep loving her the way he always did, and promised..
She knew her dreams were coming true, she knew she had found the love she waited for so long..
She waited.. and she waited.. only to get stood up at the altar.
The altar, she decorated with everything she could gather from within her..
The altar they both had dreamt of together..
She waited still..
Untill one day her close ones took her home as she stared into nothingness.. She stared at the door..
She waited still..
Untill the news came that he was already long gone on a journey he always intended to take without her..
And she waited..
With tears rolling down.. She did not know what this meant.. why the tears.. when there is so much love in both hearts..
She waited.. Still..
While is was away on a journey that he promised he would never go on without her..
The journey he promised had her name on it with his..
He lives a life that he promised was hers to share..
She waited.. Still..
She waits.. Hoping to wake up from this nightmare..
Hoping for him to jump from behind some door and awaken her vacant eyes by telling it was all a prank..
She waits..
At the altar, made of love, promises and hope.. And truth..
She waits.. For the nightmare to end..
The silly girl, still trusts in love..
The silly girl, still wishes its all a joke..
The silly girl, still hopes.. still hopes what they had was true..
The silly girl, still wonders if he thinks of her while he is with that woman..
Still wonders if that woman was on his mind when he was with her..
The silly girl, who will always be a girl.. A little girl waiting for her prince charming..
Falling for the fake charm, and white lies told right to her face..
The silly girl..

Emotions, Duty & Obligations.. The difference, the death..

2010-10-06T10:14:00.002+05:30

Last night i felt the heart of a friend. The warmth of that patient heart. I also sensed the heart of a lover trying to over-come it.. But a friend will always be a friend and that love is much stronger than that of a lover.. :)
Let you heart be as patient and strong and selfless as a friend's and you will be a better lover.. You will always be a friend.. A friend is always a friend even if he is a lover..

And someone always told me there are no free lunches.. Well now we know.. :) Generosity, kindness, love and many more are free of cost.. they are free of all conditions.. Only when they are not done out of obligation and duty are they true.. When done out of obligation and duty, they cease to be what they are, and turn into something as dead and lifeless as an obligation.. What is the point of living a life which is not spontaneous any more.. Which is burried beneath a load of duty and carries a burden of murder and death of love and emotions? Duty is duty.. not to be mixed with emotions like love.. I feel pity for people who do exactly this.. and kill something which could've flourished..

An end and a beginning..

2010-10-05T14:48:00.003+05:30

Past few months have been a roller coaster. Well i know most of my life has been nothing but that as most of you very well know.. But past few months were nothing like i ever imagined.. Feelings that i never thought existed.. The was pain, but a joy so much greater! And then suddenly it all ceases to exist! I wallow in grief.. like never before. There has never been anything as beautiful, or maybe i killed what i had.. When all this is happening, at this very moment.. I think i can never get over this.. I feel closer to what people call a nervous break down.. I did things some one only very desperate to hold on would.. But now from somewhere within.. deep inside me.. The flame glows.. the hope arises.. of a new beginning..
Perhaps my fate is that of a traveller.. Perhaps i'm supposed to only touch the lives of people and never hope to be a part of them..
Why does it hurt so much then? When some one is going on the right path leaving me behind?
It will hurt, after all i'm a human.. And i pride myself in being a good one.
So the time has come to move on.. Which i will because i can.. the only question bothering me was "do i really want to move on?".
But i feel its in my best interests to do so.. If some one had to be in my life.. be mine then would do it no matter what.. I did everything i had to. I never held anything back to myself.. I gave everything i had, everything i could do.. It was their to accept or reject.. I cannot change their feelings.. All i can do is show mine and do all in my capacity to make them happy n feel loved.. and so i did..

So now i decide, quickly as it seems, that i will move on.. This is the escape i look for.. A new beginning.. maybe because i cannot bear the pain. i cut it off from me.. I hope someday there will be some one who will stay back.. maybe some one always knew or maybe some one new..

The tiny flame of hope keeps me going.. So i am cherishing the past and being myself.. happy to be me.. :)

CP: i'm proud of you darling.. Your prince will come along.. And so will friends who will stay.. no matter what, exactly the way you are.. :)

BP: or then we can just boast that we are the best!! :D :D man!! im starving.. can i have some of the frosted moon please?? :D :D

CP: get lost BP!

BP: ouch! :P i too am leaving you! *folded hands, nose up*

CP: aww.. c'mere HUG!

BP: :D i love you!!

CP: i love you too!!

I love both of you!! :D :D

Cheers to new life! :)

an escape

2010-10-05T13:06:00.003+05:30

What could it be?
What could be an escape?
When your world crushes you,
Burns your dreams,
Leaves you all alone, throbbing and thrashing in the blood of your undying love for them?
What could be an escape?
When you have nothing left to yourself?
When you heart, soul, body and life was all theirs?
When you can have none of them back, but be alive..
Like an empty shell..
The shell which once held the world..
What could be an escape?
When your love strangles you and yet doesn't kill you?
When he is deaf to your the voice of your heart, the heart he so loved once..
When he sees nothing but your mistakes?
What could be an escape?
When you live like a dead person..
When you start living in the past?
What will be an escape?
But to die at his hands?
What will be an escape.. but to make him see and understand that the heart that lies in tatters, torn from end to end, bloody with hurt.. still beats for him..
Would it be an escape when he understands this?
What could be an escape when you become a stranger for someone who had no one but you, and when you had no one but him..
What could be an escape from the emmense hurt that courses through the dying heart?
What do you do when even your words fail you?
What do you do when love fails you?
What do you do when nothing holds meaning anymore, not even living..
An escape..
Give me an escape.. i can bear no more..

And he replies

2010-10-05T12:11:00.003+05:30

I had removed this one, for some reasons, which no longer exist.. so thought might as well put it up. it meant a lot when it was written by the person. this one is not by me.. but it deserves a place here.
It is in reply to this post of mine: Finding rain by someone who was my rain back then.. and my sun too.. :)

There she lay..
Looking over her shoulder..
Wondering whether he will come..
Till she could wonder no more..

I was..
By all means, lost to all..
Struggling to cope with strong winds..
That forced me to never lie at peace..

One day i saw her..
A hilltop and scorching eyes..
When i stopped drifting..
Realising perhaps, this was it..

Gathering courage i never thought I had..
I broke free of the winds for once..
Experiencing something i never had before..
I met her scorched, seductive eyes..

And i rained..and rained..
Like never before..
Creating patterns i knew not..
On rocks and glass..

Her touch was something..
I understood my true purpose..
As i came alive..
When she touched me as i fell on her..

She says she wonders...
I do too..
About how she freed me up..
From the winds that never let me be..

Feel like i have finally..
Met the earth i was meant to..
Feels so right..
As unstable atoms twist to unite..

Water and earth..
As if created for the other..
The earth made to come alive..
The rain completely soaked in..

My seductive, scorched earth.. :)

Fighting for love..

2010-10-05T09:15:00.003+05:30

Are you blind to the sagas in my eyes?
Are you deaf to the beats of my heart now?
Are you insensitive to my touch?
Are you weak in front of duty now?
Love conquers all my dear.. Just give it a chance..
Here i am fighting for my love..
For the love we share..
Let no one take it away from you now,
Its yours to keep..
The shall be illusions,
there shall be un-wanted temptations..
But fight!
Fight for what is yours..
Fight for yourself..
Fight for me..
Fight for our love, and fight for us..
The way i am..
Come my dear.. lets show it to them..
Its ours to keep..
Let them not take it away from you..
Are you deaf to the sound of my voice now?
Have they closed you ears?
Please hear what the tunes of the sax tell you..
Are you blind to the love that has envelopped you?
Have the blindfolded you?
Please see the colors in the sky..
Are you insensitive to the fresh breath of air?
Have they burned you so bad?
Please feel the touch of the emotions..
Please understand what every bit of my love is trying to tell you..
I shall fight for it, till the last breath my body can breathe..
And i shall fight after that..
Will you let the bud grow?
In my womb, the flower of our love..
Fighting for love..
Fighting for love..
Will you clean my wounds?
Will be be my strength?
The world is against me..
Will you be with me?
Will you fight for me too?
Cause i'm fighting for love..

i shall write..

2010-10-04T11:59:00.002+05:30

of the wounds that have opened again..
over and over again..
of the pain that sears through the beating muscle..
of the water that fights to escape the rapidly batting eye lids..
batting or battling..
of the hope that once light brightly..
the one that you planted, nurtured and eventually burned..
of all the laughter, frown lines, and depth of eyes..
of all the breeze, and dazed lights from afar..
of the rain.. meeting his beloved..
Atleast they shall stay together.. amen!
of the paths untrodden.. undisturbed..
of my dreams, crushed, your breath..
of the streets, of the morsels..
of the heavy heart..
of the loss..
of the happiness..
only to be had for a fraction of time..
of the un-said promises..
the unsaid words and much more..
i shall continue to write..
as you shall continue to be the master of my heart..
of the fears..
of the limitations..
of the fake smiles and fake strength..
of you face in the moonlight..
of drinking the bar dry..
of wanting, and making things happen..
of just being..
irrespective of the world..
irrespective of anything..
of wishing.. and hoping..
of hoping..
of loving.. unconditionally..
irrespective of anything..

Child, Lover, Mother..

2010-09-27T13:29:00.002+05:30

I was the child,
Wild and Free.
I was a lover,
Harsh and Cruel.
I became the mother,
Firm and Kind.
But i kept to being the child..
Over and over again..
and one day it cost me my love..
and one day it cost me myself..
I am the child,
Scared and needy.
I am the lover,
Careful and Tender.
I am the mother,
Loving and wary..
I'm back to being the mother..
Thoughtful and Serene.
Needless and Self Sufficient.
Helpful and Caring.
I'm back to being the mother,
Compassionate and sturdy.
Deep yet defenseless.
I'm the mother, the child, the lover..
I'm back to being the mother..

Confusion..

2010-09-26T11:26:00.003+05:30

I know its not the first time im writing bout "confusion", i'd even say that the theme of the blog is it! But since recently i've been drifting away from it.. or so i thought.. BANG! its back again.. to rid me of all clarity and take me into depths of contemplation.. And not about myself but about someone very special. It must be the first time i'm sure about myself.. But after certain incidents, im not sure about the other person.. The one i knew was as certain as i was.. Where do these gaps creep up from? Could a certain facet of a person's behavior, which is already well known, affect the other person's feelings/behavior/outlook so badly?? Now when it has, how am i supposed to behave? When the person behaves perfectly fine one instance and behaves as if i do not exist the next? Is asking for an explanation wrong when you are at that level in a relationship? I made mistakes, i was shown had it hurt, i apologized and i'm trying to make it up to the person, but wouldn't you expect some sort of support from that person taking into account the feelings and conscious decisions.. How can you make someone understand that when somethings are said in a fit of anger, they do not mean anything, i agree it hurts like crazy.. But when i try to amend my actions, when i try to explain this to them, why cannot they understand that its the things said in the right state of mind that matter.. Why do they choose to ignore this fact, and not give me even a chance to correct myself? Why do they keep holding to the negative things and not see what they have now? What am i supposed to do then? How can i try and make it upto someone who doesn't seem to want it? Do i just bid my time doing nothing? How can i do that, when i cannot see people i love in so much pain, and that too cause of me.. I feel i should just carry on ignoring the obvious gaps, and behave as if everything is normal, and try and make it upto that person, but what should i do when the person does not wish to receive it?? What should i do?? So this time the confusion is not about what i feel.. but about what i should do to make someone realise this.. Wish i could just make them see.. wish they would be ready to see what i am showing.. its all there and yet they do not wish to see.. what should i do about this? and when they say nothing has changed at the base, then why do they behave like this? Such confusion.. no anger no hate.. just confusion and a slight sense of despair.. but the desire to make it all work.. cause its meant to be.. :)

:)

2010-09-25T17:51:00.002+05:30

Feels like I'm alive again..
Feels like i found something all over again.. :)
Feels like I"m come out of a deep dark hole of fear and despair, right before hitting the rock bottom..
Feels like a thousand flowers blooming right before my eyes..
Feels like Love.. Yes all over again.. :)
Feel like dancing all the way..
Feels like time has stopped again..
Feel like smiling.. Broadly, silly-ly, happily, lovingly, truly.. :) :)

BP: Yeah welcome back to the mad world baby!!
CP: *touch wood* god bless..
BP: :)
CP: :)

Sun shine..

2010-09-24T10:42:00.002+05:30

My sun is shining on the hill top..
Through the cottony clouds of white fluff..
Though the azure skies..
The sun makes his way.. to my skin and in my heart..
Lighting up the wreck and shunning away the gloom..
The warmth spreads through my pores and colors my being..
How could i've been so blind, to the obvious fire within too?
Each of his rays has a story to tell..
Of the present to be lived and the future that shall unfold..
Slowly but as i desire..
My sun shows me the way..
Time and again..
My sun is shinning once more..
Right through to the core..
Braving the cold winds,
And shadows of doom and destruction..
Fighting the looming mountains of sorrow, misery and depression..
He comes to me.. He cares.. He cuddles..
He makes his presence felt..
He wipes the tears away..
He smiles forever..
He stays within me..
He's my sun..
My sun is me.. :)

Happened..

2010-09-20T12:24:00.000+05:30

Sun shining through gaps in trees, meeting the freshly wet streets.
Some old smiles, wet eyes and old memories float by..
Tinkling between warm coffee cups and crumbling cookies..
Time ticks past as we try to drink that moment in..
Contemplating the present and picturing the furture..
Dreamy eyes lost in a once alive past, now lost in a sea of mistakes and impulse..
of goodbyes and hopes to meet again..
Perhaps in the same string of time,
or maybe another universe..
Where everything would be possible,
And every heart happy..