The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

So, this a bit off topic right at the start of the year, though the first quarter is drawing to a close. Since I got some time off at work and not in the physical state to pro-actively pick up a task, i thought i wold write something, and something not too heavy (health not permitting too much overthinking :P). Past few years have been something of an unexpected phenomenon. Zooming out, none of the things that life threw at me were something i wanted and hence never foreseen. Though each led to the other in some way. This one is about new years. All my new years till 2015 had been spent with familiar people in the same way, almost always craving the company of a particular someone, and I did get it too only to find it was all a sham. So, starting with 2015, I found myself spending that day with new people and at different places! Its been 3 new year's eves spent away from home, with new people/complete strangers. Almost each time was by choice and not due to circumstance. It just led me to wonder what this new year would have in store.. I turned 30 this year. Of all the years of running around, and a brief illusion of thinking things would settle, I find myself repeatedly thinking this over. They say if you want different results then change what you do. I've done it all. Changed all sorts of things. One thing i refuse to change is the person I'm at my core- someone who gives. I am a giver and that i stubbornly guard. It keeps me sane. It is who i am. So lets see what this year does.. And that's about it really. :)

Its been a while.. Never felt this way before.. Its not empty for sure.. I think the emptiness is filling itself up now.. Just some ghosts of the past cloud the eye once a while when they call on a party with my hormones. The clouds are back.. November rain for real.. Feels like a premonition, as if the magic is rearing its head, though it felt a bit scary this time around. As if all the magic in me isn't enough for what is about to happen. Because i cannot see further than each day now.. The fear of the unknown.. I don't know if I'm just floating through or if I'm stuck in some kind of limbo.. I'm shedding the skin.. Almost through with it.. I can feel the taste of that beer and that vodka right through to my throat without even having a sip.. I don't crave for it anymore.. Just for something citric to leave a tingling feeling at the tip of my tongue.. Something to remember this time by, when wounds heal themselves.. And yes they do.. They always wanted to but i held them back like the stubborn tantrum-y kid in me, that i've always been. So now i gave them the chance, i give myself the chance- to heal, to let go, to breath, to love the moment for real.. To know what it is to cut off all contact with the world outside. To be truly alone and yet not lonely. Still trying to be unaffected, but that will take a while. The clouds have all gathered up getting dressed for the evening show.. Everything is still, its been this way for a while now.. Feels strange.. Its all too new and too scary.. But then what has to be shall be.. And so am I..

There is a lone cloud
In the evening sky, a clear periwinkle wintry sky
He is drifting alone in his own world
Away from the maddening clumps of crazed clouds threatening to burst without warning!
They are on the other side of the horizon enjoying their own party.
He hovers silently over lush green mountains
Smiling down peacefully at them and whoever passes beneath
That lone wisp of cloud, alone not lonely.. doing exactly what he means to do..
Beautifully blissfully withering away in the sunset to be a part of the dark cold night sky.. :)

She looked back over her shoulder twice as she shuffled along soundlessly on the dry roadside mud. It was almost 7 in the evening. The sky was painted in pretty, post monsoon colors. A light breeze, the promise of winter coming soon, blew the stray strands of hair on her anxious face; she was beautiful even in her casual home clothes. Shifting the grocery bags from one hand to another she checked the time again- he would be home any time now. She didn't want to see him. After all she had gotten away with it for so long! There was no point him finding out when tomorrow was going to be the big day.
The street was bustling around her as usual- women buying groceries and swapping juiciest of gossip, people returning home tired from work short tempered looking a respite from the crazy traffic, children playing around in the mud carelessly, the shop owners calling out to each other jokingly. It was a jolly evening, like it always had been around here. She liked this place they had shifted to, it had been a few years now and it did feel like home. A small smile crossed her face and shocked her as she looked ahead towards their apartment- no sign of him. Her forehead creased with a frown she looked around her again worried he might come up from behind her to surprise her- no one she knew and hopefully no one who knew her!
The evening was pretty, she smiled slightly again. The smile on her face was almost negligible but the one inside her heart was a big broad gleeful grin like a kid in a candy shop- now was the time! She paced towards her love. Her fists sweating a bit around the grocery bags. He saw her approaching and his face broke into a smile as his hands lifted. Watching him that way she couldn't stop herself anymore. She skipped a few steps and almost ran to him almost crashing into him. Stunned at the sudden motion she looked around, deemed herself to be safely unseen by the probably prying eyes. As she took the offering in her trembling hands her eyes glazed over.. She closed them as it touched her lips and then the tongue and then she couldn't stop her smiled as the sweet sour salty water trickled down the throat as it had so countless times before. Nothing can come between her and her love now. It was done. He stood there smiling at her. The fruit tasted sweeter when its forbidden. Just as some more of it dribbled down her chin she looked up to see her husband standing right in her face, staring at her in disbelief! She almost chocked and then walked closer and with a grim faced said "Ek aur plate gol gappe lagao bhaiyya" and they both broke out laughing!! The gol gappa baiyya also wiped his forehead as he was the partner in crime. He pulled her closed there and then and kissed her forehead, pulled away and stood looking at her, smiling. Nothing could come between her and her love for gol gappas. No hardcore gym, no babies, no chores, and maybe no husband even! He loved her for what she was even this little bit of cheating. She was true to herself and thats what mattered to him.

Time and again life throws me at this cross-road. To or not to. I don't know what lesson she's trying to teach me. Maybe a lesson to not trust? Cause i always end up trusting. I always give people chances till they themselves, either feel ashamed or get bored and leave. I choose to give them a chance cause i hope that it will work. I'm willing to accept them with all their past as long as they are truthful. But somehow people like to hide. I cannot fathom the reasons behind it. Its happened many times before. I've found stuff by accident and confronted people (cause thats what i do) and they refused it and then came around by themselves and accepted it. Whats the point? When at the beginning i tell people whats the most important thing for me. Maybe they don't trust me when i say that honesty is the most important? I guess its their bad then. I hope i will learn the lesson life has been trying to teach me time and again. My bet is on two: Patience and Trust. :D lets see where it takes me this time around.. :) Here's to trust! Cheers.

CP- well said. well said. we can only wait and watch now.
BP- one a watch.. two a watch.. three a.. a watchman?
CP- ya watchman watching the cross-road.
BP- night's watchman? Oooo is he stronngg? :D
CP- yes my darling BP, yes, strong true real :)
BP- yay, badabing badaboong.. *scoots away making smokey rings*

Not sure if i've written about "end of an era" already hence there is "end of another era".

So there. Another year is almost coming to an end and so is one of my journeys. I wrote about some stuff in Jan and lots happened since then. I did get a different perspective and that still stays for which I'm glad. It went on for quite some time. I got in touch with old friends developed long given-up friendships, resolved tiffs and so on. I decided to travel once a month no matter where. Ended up doing 2 treks (thank god for the proximity of Delhi to the mountains!). Both were good experiences. One with an unknown group of people with India Hikes and one with some colleagues. More about these in later posts.

Between the two treks i happened to court someone. It was not looked out for. Something that just came along. I had my inhibitions and some strong intuition against this. Though as usual (like an idiot) i ignored it and thought of giving it a try. Over the course of a few days things changed a bit for the better. We took the next step in the "relationship" though there was always this nagging thought at the back of my head that something isn't right. It felt as if i was doing things just for the sake of it my heart wasn't into it. It was just as if to have someone around. I kept ignoring it thinking its nothing. Then I had to go through the ordeal of searching for a house to move to and the actual moving out and moving in. The moving out took a toll on me. I went through immense mental and physical strain. Letting go of a very close friend and the first house i lived in in Delhi NCR was heart wrenching. No matter a tiff between us owing to my "relationship". I put that behind but eventually i started drifting apart. It just didn't feel good. He tried to sort it out and to help the best he could, but it just wasn't enough nor at the time in the right manner. As usual the person wasn't a bad person but not meant for me. And so after 2-3 months i put an end to the whirlwind full-fledged romance (not that it was even close to it). It was quite a relief somehow. Though i feel like a cruel person to have cut him off that way there was no other way to end it. Stretch it and it would've ended even worse. Perhaps that's my consolation for myself but that's that.
I think there is a lot about energies going on always. Its like two people are good individually but put them together and they will create negativity and harm for each other. Perhaps this is what i had sensed early on. The wavelength just didn't match and when you are at a different level in life after the experiences you've had its difficult to have a person so fresh in life around as support. They just don't get it. Or maybe its not about the experiences they've had just about the thinking capacity and maturity. It was a difficult phase. All in all that was that. Another chapter closed.

Along the course of the past few months i realized very strongly about how fickle life is. This urged me to think about moving back home to my parents and close ones. Also, given the news from home about illness and what not pushed me further. Just as i began looking for options to move back home I was given a generous offer from my employer. It was like a dream come true since i really like doing the work i am now. i can't thank my company enough for this. Though is a two way street, some good deeds do come back to payoff maybe. And so after almost 2 years, i will be saying goodbye to my second home.

Its such a bitter-sweet feeling. I had come to call it home. It is my second home. A home made of the people i gathered.
So much happened in a year and 8 months. I used to visit back home but used to yearn to come back here. The office, friends, roommates, daily commute, shopping, making new friends, taking care of the house, hanging out, work related stuff, exploring places on my own, the army camp and horse riding, learning things about people and places, having ginger over, having my best friends over, the first house (i really miss it like mad!).. Buying my bed, decorating the room, cooking, hanging out with roomies, problems, solutions, laughter, crying, yelling, fighting, trips, drunken foolishness, saying goodbye to one of them earlier on and the the second, saying goodbye to the house :(, There is so much! So many memories in such a short time.. Time just flew by! Its not really goodbye cause i will keep visiting. There is a sense of nostalgia hanging around for quite some time now and i think it will go on for a while. It was my first time after all! :') There indeed is a lot that will take away from this place.. It shall stay within me forever. :) A big call out to everyone, each and every person who i met here, who supported me in times of need and otherwise. You made me a better person. I will write more perhaps later.. too much to reconcile as of now..

I always look back. People tire after me telling me to let go. Well I'm not holding on to the past but i look back. Always. Be it in the street, at work, in bed (looking for demons outside the door/window/under the bed hehe like literally) or at life. Maybe it is some kind of a precautionary thing. Yesterday while talking to an old friend i said the same. However in the course of the conversation i realised that i do not lament it. I have not "held on" to the past. I've let go. But there are some places back there that are still unexplained. i strongly believe that there is always a reason some things happen, and perhaps my looking back is about trying to place the reasons in the intricate wood-work that is the past experiences. It was the nth time we were discussing the same thing yesterday and there was some more light shed on some areas that were till as of yesterday in darkness for me. So yes as time goes as you experience other things when you look back again, there will be newer things that will come to light. That's the whole thing about the fabric of time.. you never know what you will find and where past present future. The past makes you who you are today so no need to disown it. Accept it as it is already a part of you. And looking back helps me. I do not wish for things to change nor do i strive to make them change, i have let go, i let them be as they are. But that doesn't mean i cannot put myself at peace by finding things out that i want to. It does help put things in a better perspective and helps learn lessons that probably weren't learnt back then. I'm anyway a slow learner/implementer when it comes to life. :) There is so much that keeps happening and has already happened that i haven't proceed yet that i feel the need of having a sturdy pensive for myself. Gah!