The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Its been a while.. Never felt this way before.. Its not empty for sure.. I think the emptiness is filling itself up now.. Just some ghosts of the past cloud the eye once a while when they call on a party with my hormones. The clouds are back.. November rain for real.. Feels like a premonition, as if the magic is rearing its head, though it felt a bit scary this time around. As if all the magic in me isn't enough for what is about to happen. Because i cannot see further than each day now.. The fear of the unknown.. I don't know if I'm just floating through or if I'm stuck in some kind of limbo.. I'm shedding the skin.. Almost through with it.. I can feel the taste of that beer and that vodka right through to my throat without even having a sip.. I don't crave for it anymore.. Just for something citric to leave a tingling feeling at the tip of my tongue.. Something to remember this time by, when wounds heal themselves.. And yes they do.. They always wanted to but i held them back like the stubborn tantrum-y kid in me, that i've always been. So now i gave them the chance, i give myself the chance- to heal, to let go, to breath, to love the moment for real.. To know what it is to cut off all contact with the world outside. To be truly alone and yet not lonely. Still trying to be unaffected, but that will take a while. The clouds have all gathered up getting dressed for the evening show.. Everything is still, its been this way for a while now.. Feels strange.. Its all too new and too scary.. But then what has to be shall be.. And so am I..