The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

There is a pond, somewhere along the road.
You most definitely will see it, but you need to recognize it.
A pond for weary travelers to rest at in the course of their journey.
Come sit by me for a minute traveler. Take a sip of these cool waters, you look tired, splash some on your hot sweaty face and dry eyes. Rest a bit beneath the shade of this big old gnarled green friend of mine. Lay down on the grass besides me. Close your eyes and feel the light breeze caress your face as it does mine.
For you have come far and you have fought hard.. Your journey is long. Sit by the tree and contemplate a little lazily. Run your thoughts by me, the ones that no one else can hear or understand. Pluck out the frustration raging in your head and the tiredness of your heart. I'm here for you, i will take it all in. Take a sip of me, and when you feel well and refreshed, go on to your calling.
But, hey traveler, do turn back and bid me adieu.. Traveler, do remember me won't you? As a little pond who quenched your thirst when you needed it the most..
For the pond was once a traveler too.. She sat there one fine day on her journey towards her calling. She sat there an saw traveler after travel being relieved by her presence.. And as powerlessly as always, she fell in love. This was her calling. For the pond was meant to stay there, to help you fulfill your calling..
Even though sometimes her waters run muddy or low because someone was too harsh or took too much. But she reaches deep inside herself to fulfill her duties. She works hard.. For her heart is of a traveler too.. Do remember her, won't you? :)

The moment of awareness when you realise your conscious is making a decision that might drastically change the course your life is going to take. This mostly happens out of depression or sorrow. Most of the times we don't become aware of it as a third neutral person. For example the sad and the happy side are arguing, and the sad side is winning in taking a decision. But the neutral side suddenly awakens and realises what is happening and so now its the neutral side that needs to decide which side it wants to take! There is this turmoil this war that rages on inside. There are multiple triggers. And right now I'm all for letting the sad side win. Probably cause its easier. It is an easy way out. It will cause more pain, not just to me but to people who love me- family and some friends perhaps. Its like an existential crisis too. Wherein i feel like consciously starting to smoke again in hope that i will fall fatally ill, cause I cannot bring myself up to suicide and don't really want to end my life. But if something had to happen which was reversible and which would mean my life ending abnormally early then I'm all for it. Its just exhaustion from all the drama that happens in my head, all the thinking, overthinking, analysing.. its overwhelming at times. The state of just not getting what i want the way i want. The stubbornness of not accepting what I am getting. The feeling of "I'm so done", of giving up and yet not wanting to give up, of feeling drained and burnt out and yet wanting to just keep going on! Hope and helplessness and tiredness together are not a good combination i guess. It just wreaks havoc on a person's head, maybe just on my head but nonetheless. Yelling doesn't help, crying doesn't, neither does being angry or sad or laughing or nothing helps! Its like a deep hole somewhere deep inside that i just cannot reach to fill it up. Its the war in my head that is exhausting. But I'm a fighter, not a quitter, so i will go on. Though deep down i wish i could just let go of everything, everyone even myself and just float.. somehow.. devoid of any feeling, any burdens.. I wonder how it would feel..

He was an old soul..
Or so he thought.
The desire to live eluded him but so did the wish to end his life.
He was too comfortable in his own skin, all of 36.
He never did too much and never too less, always just enough.. Enough to carry on.
Work, food, clothes, relations, life..
He stood there watching life go past him on the street..
Bustling and bursting in a cacophony of sounds, colors, smells..
A vague smile playing on his lips..
All sorts of creatures crawled around..
But none piqued his interest
For he was an old soul.. He had seen it all.
He had had always seen it all since he was a kid in a broken wooden crib back in the day.
He barely cried then.
he had seen it all and yet he hadn't, as he stood rubbing tobacco in his cracked palms, on the corner of a busy street waiting for his next customer..
The man on the street.. Was it you or was it me?

She needed to be taken. Taken into someone’s arms. Taken by a storm, so hard that she reels from the impact, she doesn’t stop reeling for quite a while. She needs to be taken deep into a forest, deep into her own self where she will meet him, for by now she has realized it would be a man not a woman. She needed to be filled by him, by his wildest dreams and desires. She wanted the full package. She didn’t want scraps from some one’s table. She wanted a full four, eight, ten heck a twelve course meal! With a start a middle and never an end. Changing, yes, but like color mixing in water and water in color, inseparable even in the change. Different and yet reflections of one another, entangled. She needed to be at peace, of not having to worry of loss every waking moment. She needed reassurance of yes she did. She wanted the crazy out of the world and yet she wanted the simple. She wanted to know what routine felt like. She wanted to know what sharing felt like and what making memories and reliving them together felt like. She needed someone to take charge. For once, to lead her to take the first step. To blow her mind to ensure she remained insane and yet at peace. She needed to be seen and wanted and touched at places no one had so far. Who would understand exactly what it meant to be touched beyond the body. In ways no one could.. She didn’t need someone to mend her wounds just someone who would want to sit by her quietly in the afternoons, to fill her weekends with routine.. To get bored with, to fight with, to yell at like the crazy woman she was. Someone who would understand her strength and yet not be intimidated by it. Someone who was just as strong or willing to be. Someone who maybe wasn't the exact checklist she prepared, she doesn't have a type. Just an open heart, open to all kind of feelings, fear too but courage above all. She needs someone who would stay. For once. Just stay.