The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

The mellow evening light creeps into the empty house..
Memories and nostalgia come rushing in with it..
As if they were waiting for just this moment.
Yet another journey awaits me.. Its not an end nor a beginning just somewhere in the middle..
There are faces.. Places.. Heartaches and kisses..
It's a blur of feelings and color..
There is rain and scorching summer heat.. Going up in waves from the dry bustling streets..
There is an urgency to reach someplace to see that face in person..
There is fear.. And very rarely a flimsy reassurance..
Above all there is me and there is you.. Or there are you.. 😊
As the sun slowly creeps out leaving a darkness behind..
Beckons a light to go on..
As the dark black coffee grows cold..

This one was written one drunk night as i sat in the bar waiting for my friend to get done with his shift. Some words stumbled around on my lips and in a frantic attempt to jot them down i used some damp paper napkins.. What surprised me is that the next morning i found them and the words all made sense! Though i wanted to weave something more around it, I'm just leaving the major part of it as it was. Have added a little bit towards the end. ;)

She pretended as if it didn't offend her that he courted them. She knew it was a habit. Its been aeons, she has known him for so long and yet it bothered her. She dressed her best, she carried herself elegantly. And yet this wasn't the Reha he had fallen for. That Reha was clumsy, reckless, with a couldn't care less attitude, fun loving, crazy, mad, kind hearted, scraped kneed and bright eyed. She lightly thought back to the time their eyes used to meet so often, across the college hallways, across meeting rooms. The way his eyes held hers- a gentle caress and a wild storm all at once. The way he kept his eyes lock on her, unabashedly. A fake tinkle of laughter pulled her back to the bar that they were in. It made no sense to dvele on the past when he was around, every moment with him counted. Even if it was someone else's arms around his neck. She knew what aroused him, and when he went out like that with other women it ripped her apart. She saw them all, one by one getting attracted to him for what he showed himself to be. Then the facade dropped, she jumped around drunk, high on the very alcohol he craved. When did they begin craving different things? It was always beer that he craved for, and so did she. It was their common love as were words. They loved words, a lot! It bonded them together. It was their haven. The music meant nothing to her and at times it meant the world to them. Now it was all about the loud fucking music! He didn't even care about it, she knew. She could see him flinch each time the music flipped up a notch, and yet he was determined on giving the music all his attention. He couldn't care less about her. The way she dressed, the way she spoke or the way she carried herself. Now it was all about what it took for him to ignore her. She would do all and he would refuse to accept her. All of this was carefully observed by the lusty eyes of the patrons of the club who were regulars there. He noticed that too but didn't care. Let them lust after her all they want, he thought. But why, the question remained unanswered. Its been years, he just refused to answer. They'd known each other since college and yet this impasse. Did he change somewhere back then itself, or was it along the way somewhere. But when and why, was it something she did? Or was it someone or something else? When and how did it happen that she didn't notice it happening, that it all started falling apart. There must've been signs.. Did she ignore them like he is now ignoring her? That they unknowingly decided this is the way it ought to be- dysfunctional? What did dysfunctional even mean? She was starting to know now, but he already knew. She somehow soaked it all in. She knew he knew it and he was now used to it. Dysfunctional, thats what it was.
The rings on her fingers that glittered like the sweat beads on her forehead, the shiny body hugging dress that she wore, the high heels, the light make-up, cause she was never into being fake, the smile on her lips, that she had learnt forcefully to maintain, it all felt like a unbearably large multi-headed vulture bearing down on her. She felt like stripping there and then. Of her clothes, her smile, her skin, her identity. She felt lost amongst the squeals of laughter from his newest preys. Sometimes they cast a wary look at her, but she would pretend to be lost in her own world and they would be reassured that she was not a threat to their perfectly patched up masks. They got attracted to him like moth to flame. And why not, he was charming. He wasn't the good looking kind at all. But there was this aura around him, that you would keep staring. She remembered the first time she saw him. His friend was cuter than him, and yet she had found herself staring at him in the hallway where they all waited for classes to begin. So here he was still the same and yet not. Something had changed inside him. She didn't know if the old him was still in there somewhere or if he crushed him out. Knowing him, anything was possible. But was it possible for someone to change their very core? Was it possible that anything could indeed happen? And if it did was it possible that he would go back to his old self? With a flicker of hope she looked up at him from her drink of vodka lime and soda, only to be struck full in the face with blow that hit like a physical punch- his tongue in her mouth.. She was reeling from the blow.. She didn't know if she was numb or if her mind was racing, if she downed the drink or if it spilled over. She just remembered one thing- His eyes never closed now..