The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Does it matter what we think and believe? To a certain extent perhaps.. The secret, universe soul etc.. Does it matter that failure after failure you keep getting back up and believing that there are possibilities everything will be fine? Or everything will be the way you want or need it to be? Are there possibilities? Just floating, wondering and wandering. Not knowing if there are any.. But just feel as if there are. What are the odds after all?

It feels like something from another lifetime. It was strong. atleast felt so that point of time.. almost 6 years now.. People change a lot, i accept that. But then was what they showed that time true at all? Because now which can be seen doesn't add up. Maybe cause they changed yet again? There were promises made and actions taken supposedly, but no proof provided when asked for. I continued to believe words taking people at face value, though something kept nagging at the side, and hence the need for proof. The trust was lost when some things were found out back then. But love was still there and so the need for reassurance arose. Anyway, in all these muddy waters of true and lies, the grayness of all, the stuff which was left unsaid, and perhaps the lies which were spoken, we need to take a call about what we need to or have to do. Its the same thing as letting go or holding on. We would never know if it would've worked on had we held on a little more. We don't even know if whats being shown now is the truth. Perhaps they too chose to take a call which was much different from yours? It gives immense joy to see people happy even if they have hurt you to kingdom come. I've always prayed for everyone to get the things which i never got, hoping that atleast my prayers would come true for them. Though the pain remains its lessened by the fact that if they can be, perhaps some day i would too.
So, again, going ahead assuming and taking things at face value is what helps. I believe what i see, its much less painful than trying to decipher the truth, which again is multifaceted. I've always ached due to the fact that they got something which i so badly wanted from exactly those people i wanted it from! But thats life. I know what i need to do but somehow i've been scared or perhaps too lazy to change my ways.
But this is where i get my closure finally. After 6 long years. Of which you know nothing, though i always thought you understood even when there was no contact. But thank you for putting up these posts that you have. Its nice to finally see it for myself :)
For me what i felt was beyond anything i had ever felt, like i always told you.
Its nice that the same issues which i face, sleeplessness, restlessness are being addressed for someone else if not me. It gives me hope that one day they will be. If not by someone else then by my own self.
I feel like some kind of a magnet for same kind of boys/men. Cause i know for a fact that not all men lie. I've seen truthful ones around, though never with me. I get the liars. :) But that will change soon. Cause closure is what I'm getting now. Not only from you but all the others too.
Things that i've held on to so tightly are now loosening up and dispersing away in the wind.. Its a little sad but a lot refreshing..And so is seeing you happy. Cause no matter how badly people behave they do deserve to be happy, cause possibly some point of time in life they did make someone else happy and for other nice characteristics that they have as people. Hoping that the lies would stop in your life and everyone else's.
So here's assuming again that what i see and hear is the truth. Since i wear no masks i assume no one else does, be it at my detriment. Truth and honesty are the biggest strengths there ever were.

After having given a truck load of shit in life for every tiny thing, I'm slowly moving towards a space of not giving much. I don't want to cause i love giving. But its exhausting trying to keep up with the masks and webs of lies. The betrayal has been to the extent that now its impossible to trust anyone, and that's exhausting. Its not been a single person or a single incident but a bunch of things, including my innate sense of insecurity. It's not that I haven't tried to satiate it or rid myself of it. But the time required or a balm to work on your wounds was always cut short by another wound. Again possibly by my fault of impatience. It takes two to tango they say, but maybe I'm an exception to the rule? Its not that I'm naive. I'm not. I just like to believe things. I like to believe in the innate goodness that i see in people. But people are not like me. They have masks. Even if there is a shard of goodness somewhere within them they have possibly destroyed it or choose to ignore it. Could be because of fear of exposing themselves to a possibility of hurt, which i dance with every single moment. I'm not scared of hurt, that doesn't mean I want it. It means its OK if there is hurt as long as there has been truth and equal efforts from both sides to maintain a relationship, truly believing what we feel and making it work. And then if things are not working the mutual respect to communicate and be truthful to each other and more importantly to oneself. There is a possibility that both will be on different pages of the book, and that's OK, as long as there is communication and clarity about these aspects between the two or three or four concerned people.
But as I said its hard to see this anymore. Not that i saw it before anytime. There was a hope that perhaps if i hang in there things will be different. This hope kept me going. But now, its difficult because its exhausting to see masks without the power to unravel them. Neither the desire. I do not understand masks. And if that means i will get trampled all along then so be it. Some people who care tell me i should have self respect and not let people do this to me. Yes they are right. But I'm more of an actor than a waiter (if those words make sense). I cannot stay put and let things happen, it makes me feel what if i was supposed to do something and the thing just passed me by cause i didn't do anything! Also my self-worth is defined by how i see myself. And my picture in my own eyes is clear. I know who i am. I will not say "perfect" but i know what I'm worthy of and though what i get from my actions doesn't equate it, i don't know of another way to deal with it.
I've said it many times before and yet again now- Perhaps its time. To change against my will. Maybe to just give it a try. What scares me is what if i can't change back! What if I'm stuck being someone i don't want to be and I cannot mend my way then? Will i remember who i used to be? Will i be able to become my old self again should i not like being the new me? I may not be scared of being hurt but I'm definitely scared of hurting. So perhaps i plunge into it and will stop giving a shit now on..

Yes, its been many a moons
That Gulmohar tree and the imaginary games of sailing and flying
Since sarees of spare cloth
And then the ready to wear ones
Its been many a moons
You cradled me in your arms
The feeling that no matter what everything is going to be OK
The those magical mommy hugs that healed everything
Its been many a moons
Butterflies in the stomach
Stolen glances
Chits being passed secretly
The butterflies are now a rotting heap at the bottom of the pit.. Or they sit
on my ears in hope..
Its been many a moons
When friends could and would mend a heartbreak..
Now at times its friends who break something they had mended long ago
with their smiles and tears..
Its been many a moons..
Since the eyes laughed heartily and the heart rose and danced in joy..
Its been many a moons since I've been held like it was really meant..
Its been many a moons..
That I've been trying to fill up endless voids and seal the wounds, erase the scars..
Many a moons since I'm holding on, trying to be strong..
Many a moons since the moon himself smiled..