The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

The familiar feeling of dread slowly settles in.. It comes in form of a deep flipping over of the gut. I sit at my desk today with no desire to do anything. I just sit and lazily even morosely flip through Pottermore and fantastic beasts. I get sorted into my Hogwarts (once more- Gryffindor) and Ilvermorny (Thunderbird) houses. It lifts my mood a bit since Gryffindors are brave and Thunderbirds are adventurers and represent the soul. I checked Thunderbird on fantastic beasts i liked the description too of being able to create a storm all by flapping of their wings. It also connects to my Chinese zodiac of a Dragon and some qualities of the Fish too! So it makes my mood a little lighter. I go on to read bits and pieces on Pottermore and trying to find out more about the Swooping Evil, all the time swooning and sighing over Eddie! Slowly as the day progresses my mood gets darker. I have a few discussions with colleagues over piece of work. Somehow what I was expecting to be a fun-filled day turned out to be a bit of a dull haze. Slowly people start leaving for the day, wishing everyone happy new year. I wish them back. I move the contents of my bag to a backpack so its easier to carry. And then i wait for time to pass. I check-up on my friend about the timing for me to reach his place. I'm looking forward to the weekend but a sense of dread has surrounded me and is just sitting in my throat and gut like a lump of stubborn tar. I will go about the activities as planned. Maybe the air outside will make me feel a better. I like the cold. The office is all empty now save for a few team mates trying to salvage an unexpected critical work situation. Everyone seems happy though, i somehow feel a bit detached. Wonder what it is. I will now book a cab and set in motion the weekend. This is how my last day of the year at work ends. As non-dramatic as possible! But then thats how life is, its always been upto me to create the drama, being the Dragon and Thunderbird that i am! :) Signing off 2016 with a "Cheers" Have a lovely year ahead, and may god bless you with one or many different perspectives the coming year! Take care..

She was full of fire.. Crackling, roaring, soothing..
He was water.. Calm, quiet, soothing..
They knew in the first glance they had to be together..
he stayed away for reasons he refused to confess..
He stayed well away, craving, dying each passing moment..
Each time their eyes met it was liquid fire erupting..
One fine day she couldn't take it anymore..
Mesmerized by her soft warm glow, he gave in too..
As their lips met for the very first time, she knew it was the end of her..
And she closed her eyes smiling, knowing it was into him..

A few moments passed and the world didn't go dark but both felt something..
Something different.. As if a distant dream coming closer.. They opened their eyes to find they were fused, the water didn't douse the fire but they both turned into each other..
Together they were a volcano, liquid fire, erupting wildly and then flowing serenely together..
They were fire and water, alive together.. :)

It's a continuum, where on this line your actions fall is decided by the gravity/intensity of your desire.
Not just the "want" but the "need" to do something is also a desire. Actions driven by a sense of duty/responsibility are also desires. The desire to fulfill the duty, even if its against something you would rather do, it is still your desire. There is nothing called as sacrifice. Sacrifice is just something we invent to put ourselves or people on a pedestal. Ethics are at a personal level and people try to justify their actions against these ethics. Most people pick up society-wise excepted norms as their own ethics and then when they have a desire that goes against these ethics they try to bend n mold it so that it doesn't seem to be unethical to the "society". Its a way of wanting to be accepted and lauded. But do any of us ask ourselves what are ethics? For me they are just a way of life, something that saves you from guilt. But then guilt would itself exist only if you have ethics. So why this self-invented restriction? Just to maintain a semblance of sanity? Now, who is to decide whats sane and whats insane? That's a continuum too. What matters most aside from these tags of ethical, unethical, right, wrong, good, bad is how you feel and how you make someone feel strip of these tags. Did the action in itself in some secret corner of your heart below all this forced guilt, make you feel happy? In the true sense of the word happy? If it did then it doesn't matter whether it is ethical or unethical. Choose what makes you happy. You owe it to yourself.

He looked at her from the corner of his eyes
Never for too long. Just a quick glimpse
Some days he wouldn't look at all, even if she was standing right in front of him.
She wondered how he could not. But then he was a bit different, maybe not very different from the other men but was a bit.
He thought of her, much more than she thought he did.
He remembered the times they were together. It was quiet mostly. Because he was quiet. She tried to talk, he did too a bit.
but probably something was amiss. But it didn't mean that he didn't like her. This is how he is.
She deserved more than he could offer. So he just restrained himself to watching her from the corner of his eye some times.
There was someone else for him. But this one was a mystery, even if she said she wasn't. Even if she wore her heart on her sleeve. Her thought were a mystery. The whole package was too surreal, too beautiful to behold. It was too much for him to look her in the eye.
Whereas, she looked people straight in the eye. Unafraid, pure burning like fire.
He was afraid she would burn him too who knew what powers those bright eyes held..
Though they weren't as bright as he remembered them from the first time around. But he had no doubts about how they could light up in an instant. The fire was there inside just waiting to be let out..
So he just resumed to watching from the corner of his eyes..
He thought she didn't, but she did notice.. For she had corners of eyes too.. Though she didn't use them that much. She didn't need to.

There is a pond, somewhere along the road.
You most definitely will see it, but you need to recognize it.
A pond for weary travelers to rest at in the course of their journey.
Come sit by me for a minute traveler. Take a sip of these cool waters, you look tired, splash some on your hot sweaty face and dry eyes. Rest a bit beneath the shade of this big old gnarled green friend of mine. Lay down on the grass besides me. Close your eyes and feel the light breeze caress your face as it does mine.
For you have come far and you have fought hard.. Your journey is long. Sit by the tree and contemplate a little lazily. Run your thoughts by me, the ones that no one else can hear or understand. Pluck out the frustration raging in your head and the tiredness of your heart. I'm here for you, i will take it all in. Take a sip of me, and when you feel well and refreshed, go on to your calling.
But, hey traveler, do turn back and bid me adieu.. Traveler, do remember me won't you? As a little pond who quenched your thirst when you needed it the most..
For the pond was once a traveler too.. She sat there one fine day on her journey towards her calling. She sat there an saw traveler after travel being relieved by her presence.. And as powerlessly as always, she fell in love. This was her calling. For the pond was meant to stay there, to help you fulfill your calling..
Even though sometimes her waters run muddy or low because someone was too harsh or took too much. But she reaches deep inside herself to fulfill her duties. She works hard.. For her heart is of a traveler too.. Do remember her, won't you? :)

The moment of awareness when you realise your conscious is making a decision that might drastically change the course your life is going to take. This mostly happens out of depression or sorrow. Most of the times we don't become aware of it as a third neutral person. For example the sad and the happy side are arguing, and the sad side is winning in taking a decision. But the neutral side suddenly awakens and realises what is happening and so now its the neutral side that needs to decide which side it wants to take! There is this turmoil this war that rages on inside. There are multiple triggers. And right now I'm all for letting the sad side win. Probably cause its easier. It is an easy way out. It will cause more pain, not just to me but to people who love me- family and some friends perhaps. Its like an existential crisis too. Wherein i feel like consciously starting to smoke again in hope that i will fall fatally ill, cause I cannot bring myself up to suicide and don't really want to end my life. But if something had to happen which was reversible and which would mean my life ending abnormally early then I'm all for it. Its just exhaustion from all the drama that happens in my head, all the thinking, overthinking, analysing.. its overwhelming at times. The state of just not getting what i want the way i want. The stubbornness of not accepting what I am getting. The feeling of "I'm so done", of giving up and yet not wanting to give up, of feeling drained and burnt out and yet wanting to just keep going on! Hope and helplessness and tiredness together are not a good combination i guess. It just wreaks havoc on a person's head, maybe just on my head but nonetheless. Yelling doesn't help, crying doesn't, neither does being angry or sad or laughing or nothing helps! Its like a deep hole somewhere deep inside that i just cannot reach to fill it up. Its the war in my head that is exhausting. But I'm a fighter, not a quitter, so i will go on. Though deep down i wish i could just let go of everything, everyone even myself and just float.. somehow.. devoid of any feeling, any burdens.. I wonder how it would feel..

He was an old soul..
Or so he thought.
The desire to live eluded him but so did the wish to end his life.
He was too comfortable in his own skin, all of 36.
He never did too much and never too less, always just enough.. Enough to carry on.
Work, food, clothes, relations, life..
He stood there watching life go past him on the street..
Bustling and bursting in a cacophony of sounds, colors, smells..
A vague smile playing on his lips..
All sorts of creatures crawled around..
But none piqued his interest
For he was an old soul.. He had seen it all.
He had had always seen it all since he was a kid in a broken wooden crib back in the day.
He barely cried then.
he had seen it all and yet he hadn't, as he stood rubbing tobacco in his cracked palms, on the corner of a busy street waiting for his next customer..
The man on the street.. Was it you or was it me?

She needed to be taken. Taken into someone’s arms. Taken by a storm, so hard that she reels from the impact, she doesn’t stop reeling for quite a while. She needs to be taken deep into a forest, deep into her own self where she will meet him, for by now she has realized it would be a man not a woman. She needed to be filled by him, by his wildest dreams and desires. She wanted the full package. She didn’t want scraps from some one’s table. She wanted a full four, eight, ten heck a twelve course meal! With a start a middle and never an end. Changing, yes, but like color mixing in water and water in color, inseparable even in the change. Different and yet reflections of one another, entangled. She needed to be at peace, of not having to worry of loss every waking moment. She needed reassurance of yes she did. She wanted the crazy out of the world and yet she wanted the simple. She wanted to know what routine felt like. She wanted to know what sharing felt like and what making memories and reliving them together felt like. She needed someone to take charge. For once, to lead her to take the first step. To blow her mind to ensure she remained insane and yet at peace. She needed to be seen and wanted and touched at places no one had so far. Who would understand exactly what it meant to be touched beyond the body. In ways no one could.. She didn’t need someone to mend her wounds just someone who would want to sit by her quietly in the afternoons, to fill her weekends with routine.. To get bored with, to fight with, to yell at like the crazy woman she was. Someone who would understand her strength and yet not be intimidated by it. Someone who was just as strong or willing to be. Someone who maybe wasn't the exact checklist she prepared, she doesn't have a type. Just an open heart, open to all kind of feelings, fear too but courage above all. She needs someone who would stay. For once. Just stay.

You will have to tell me.
Plain and simple..
Tell me that you are him.
The one i waited for all these years..
The one looking for whom i got my heart broken a multitude of times..
If you are him then, you are gonna have to tell me, cause i won't be able to recognise you now..
My eyes are blurred you see.. From the shards stuck in them..
I'm trying to clean up.. But it takes time..
Would you be a darling and just tell me if its you?
Hold my hand and guide me to your heart?
For if I'm not able to recognise you, most probably i'll turn my back thinking you are another heartbreak in the path..
So just grab me by the shoulders and knock some sense into me.. Wake me up and tell me its you.

She gave him the temptation of working in the UK and he fell for it. He was a child in some ways, just like her, and maybe that helped him. Maybe he wasn't quite the way he portrayed himself to be, but she was exactly as she showed herself to be. She thought he would eventually fall in love with her but it wasn't to be. She thought maybe they will separate but still have some intimate relationship. She was mistaken. they both got married. It was beautiful for her. It was her second marriage and yet was more beautiful. Maybe because she felt more in tune with him. But somewhere she harbored the fear that she was mistaken again. Mistakes didn't seem to let go of her, and so her judgement was quite muddled. Now she just went with the flow, didn't even stop to evaluate. Maybe he only married her for UK? Maybe he didn't. Yes he was too attached to his career and himself than any other person or thing. And his career did flourish. Only, with it his love did too.
Somehow he never caught anyone's fancy the way all the girls caught her other lovers' fancies. And so she was back here, flying back every chance, rather, every craving she got!
She had learnt it all and yet she had to go there for it. She didn't need to. She could make it at home or summon the best of the lot to whip it up for her at the click of her fingers. Yet there was something about the taste there, it wasn't even the same person making it, to say that it could be the person. She knew it was the place. It has been years since the first time she went there.
It was the first time she was away from home, back then. Not a trip/vacation but for a long duration. She had moved to the city. She was supposed to meet a friend at some lounge and ended up going into another one right next to it. She waited at the bar and was about to order a drink, and that's when she saw him and he spoke to her. He even mixed that drink for her if she remembered correctly, even when it wasn't his job..
Its been years, she has wrinkles now. But her love for cocktails stays, like it was since before she met him.. Meeting him accelerated her cravings and desires to study them and enjoy them profusely. And no matter what an acclaimed mixologist she became after her short stint in IT, in her own eyes, she just couldn't match up to that one cocktail rather two to the first time she had them, or even some consecutive times. She had the proportions right, from the inventor of the mix himself and also the person who had first mixed them for her. She figured it was something about the place itself. And so she flew there each time she had a craving for those delicious stunning mixes. No matter where on the face of earth she was. All the staff was new but they knew she was to be treated like royalty not just for her fame but for her history with the place.
She wondered where people who were there at that time were now. Some of them are in touch still, some just disappeared somewhere in the deep web of the hospitality industry. As she took a sip of the Medusa, the fatigue of the UK flight slowly started settling in.. The ghosts had just started peering from below the bar.. It was going to be a long night..

The mellow evening light creeps into the empty house..
Memories and nostalgia come rushing in with it..
As if they were waiting for just this moment.
Yet another journey awaits me.. Its not an end nor a beginning just somewhere in the middle..
There are faces.. Places.. Heartaches and kisses..
It's a blur of feelings and color..
There is rain and scorching summer heat.. Going up in waves from the dry bustling streets..
There is an urgency to reach someplace to see that face in person..
There is fear.. And very rarely a flimsy reassurance..
Above all there is me and there is you.. Or there are you.. 😊
As the sun slowly creeps out leaving a darkness behind..
Beckons a light to go on..
As the dark black coffee grows cold..

This one was written one drunk night as i sat in the bar waiting for my friend to get done with his shift. Some words stumbled around on my lips and in a frantic attempt to jot them down i used some damp paper napkins.. What surprised me is that the next morning i found them and the words all made sense! Though i wanted to weave something more around it, I'm just leaving the major part of it as it was. Have added a little bit towards the end. ;)

She pretended as if it didn't offend her that he courted them. She knew it was a habit. Its been aeons, she has known him for so long and yet it bothered her. She dressed her best, she carried herself elegantly. And yet this wasn't the Reha he had fallen for. That Reha was clumsy, reckless, with a couldn't care less attitude, fun loving, crazy, mad, kind hearted, scraped kneed and bright eyed. She lightly thought back to the time their eyes used to meet so often, across the college hallways, across meeting rooms. The way his eyes held hers- a gentle caress and a wild storm all at once. The way he kept his eyes lock on her, unabashedly. A fake tinkle of laughter pulled her back to the bar that they were in. It made no sense to dvele on the past when he was around, every moment with him counted. Even if it was someone else's arms around his neck. She knew what aroused him, and when he went out like that with other women it ripped her apart. She saw them all, one by one getting attracted to him for what he showed himself to be. Then the facade dropped, she jumped around drunk, high on the very alcohol he craved. When did they begin craving different things? It was always beer that he craved for, and so did she. It was their common love as were words. They loved words, a lot! It bonded them together. It was their haven. The music meant nothing to her and at times it meant the world to them. Now it was all about the loud fucking music! He didn't even care about it, she knew. She could see him flinch each time the music flipped up a notch, and yet he was determined on giving the music all his attention. He couldn't care less about her. The way she dressed, the way she spoke or the way she carried herself. Now it was all about what it took for him to ignore her. She would do all and he would refuse to accept her. All of this was carefully observed by the lusty eyes of the patrons of the club who were regulars there. He noticed that too but didn't care. Let them lust after her all they want, he thought. But why, the question remained unanswered. Its been years, he just refused to answer. They'd known each other since college and yet this impasse. Did he change somewhere back then itself, or was it along the way somewhere. But when and why, was it something she did? Or was it someone or something else? When and how did it happen that she didn't notice it happening, that it all started falling apart. There must've been signs.. Did she ignore them like he is now ignoring her? That they unknowingly decided this is the way it ought to be- dysfunctional? What did dysfunctional even mean? She was starting to know now, but he already knew. She somehow soaked it all in. She knew he knew it and he was now used to it. Dysfunctional, thats what it was.
The rings on her fingers that glittered like the sweat beads on her forehead, the shiny body hugging dress that she wore, the high heels, the light make-up, cause she was never into being fake, the smile on her lips, that she had learnt forcefully to maintain, it all felt like a unbearably large multi-headed vulture bearing down on her. She felt like stripping there and then. Of her clothes, her smile, her skin, her identity. She felt lost amongst the squeals of laughter from his newest preys. Sometimes they cast a wary look at her, but she would pretend to be lost in her own world and they would be reassured that she was not a threat to their perfectly patched up masks. They got attracted to him like moth to flame. And why not, he was charming. He wasn't the good looking kind at all. But there was this aura around him, that you would keep staring. She remembered the first time she saw him. His friend was cuter than him, and yet she had found herself staring at him in the hallway where they all waited for classes to begin. So here he was still the same and yet not. Something had changed inside him. She didn't know if the old him was still in there somewhere or if he crushed him out. Knowing him, anything was possible. But was it possible for someone to change their very core? Was it possible that anything could indeed happen? And if it did was it possible that he would go back to his old self? With a flicker of hope she looked up at him from her drink of vodka lime and soda, only to be struck full in the face with blow that hit like a physical punch- his tongue in her mouth.. She was reeling from the blow.. She didn't know if she was numb or if her mind was racing, if she downed the drink or if it spilled over. She just remembered one thing- His eyes never closed now..

She knew she was a misfit
From the get go
She did want the dolls but never felt much interested in them
She prefered disecting dead animals, and scraping her knees on the bicycle
She wanted the guys too later but even then was left wanting something else
Exploring the untouched was a bigger thrill for her
She could see the crowd and where they were going
She could pretend to fit in but never wanted to
She was always a misfit!
She never belonged. She clipped her own wings, and she wistfully watched the tiny pretty birds flutter by.
It wasn't asked of her neither was it needed but she still did it..
She refused the endless skies and chose to remain rooted.
She was a dragon, the one with her wings clipped and her fires choked.
The sparks flew out from time to time, but the fire inside was so strong that they burnt her from within each time..
She was a misfit
But she kept going.. Being who she was..

There was an ache that started at her loins and ended at the heart..
There was another that started at the heart and ended at the loins..
She was yet to come across one that would never end..

These hurdles i was supposed to jump.
Each and every one of them.
Occasionally romance one maybe.
But by and large each one was to be jumped.
It was meant to be a race probably..
And racing I am.. Only that i am sitting down on the ground..
Romancing one right now..
I don't jump them, i tackle them and get down with them..
With each one.
The temptation is irresistible..
Or maybe it is not..
Maybe i just want to do it.
Its not cause there is no strength in my legs to jump them..
Oh no, the legs are very strong alright..
Its just that i don't want to go ahead and look back to think how the mud would've tasted had i fallen down there..
And so i do..
Who knows what the prize is at the end?
Maybe there is something maybe not..
Racing i am, at my own pace
Though some would say I'm going too fast with the falling!
And not fast enough with the skipping.. :)
But then so be it.. Better to fall than to keep looking back and regretting.
While i am at it, let me enjoy my current hurdle :D cheers!

There are hooks of all kinds..
I feel them deep in the flesh..
Some gorging on the flesh of my body
Some hanging off the flesh of my soul
Some have left long ago and yet their shadows linger as strongly as their vice like grip
They grab and clutch and never let go..
They trap me back in their grasp
They plunge me back into the wet darkness of their needs..
Perhaps needs which were my own..
Or is it their unfulfilled desire?
They pull me back into a deep bottomless vortex nonetheless..
Where all semblance of sunshine disappears
And the walls of thick smoke close in..
Filling my lungs, throat and eyes..
The brains numbs and the glitter tinkles away..
Blinded and parched i stumble around
It becomes a physical reality than the spring in the air.
The fight inside slowly awakens..
The desire to live surmounting all else..
The hooks will let go slows, perhaps leave some deep scars..
Trophies of a life lived..
Of love given..
Hooks are meant for life.. once you let them in..

You will accept me, wont you?
I will walk on your streets
Lanes and by lanes
I will explore your nook and cranny
I have cried and I've laughed, right here in your arms
You will accept me as one of your own, wont you?
I look out the window and I find you a little closer to me than you were yesterday
I feel your concrete structures offer me solace as tear races after tear in a frantic attempt to reach my lap..
Your deep blue sky peeps in too.. Looks a bit worried to me..
I see your darkened corners..
And mud laden trees..
They try on wrinkled smiles.. Aged before their time had come..
Their young hearts trying to find something to help them break free..
So much like me..
I will find your heart... You have already inched closer to mine..
Will you accept me then when I let you in completely?

Its been Karna. For me. Always. For all the reasons that he was himself. And for all that he did being himself! He knew right from the get go. He knew what he was doing and why. He knew the right apart from the wrong. And he made his choices nonetheless for his reasons. There could've been guilt but he was aware of that too! Could he have chosen better? Perhaps, but he knew that too! He never wavered. He was broken, exhausted, taken advantage of and what not! but he stood his ground. I love him for who he is. I say is cause he lives on.. Karna for me, always. :)

Does it matter what we think and believe? To a certain extent perhaps.. The secret, universe soul etc.. Does it matter that failure after failure you keep getting back up and believing that there are possibilities everything will be fine? Or everything will be the way you want or need it to be? Are there possibilities? Just floating, wondering and wandering. Not knowing if there are any.. But just feel as if there are. What are the odds after all?

It feels like something from another lifetime. It was strong. atleast felt so that point of time.. almost 6 years now.. People change a lot, i accept that. But then was what they showed that time true at all? Because now which can be seen doesn't add up. Maybe cause they changed yet again? There were promises made and actions taken supposedly, but no proof provided when asked for. I continued to believe words taking people at face value, though something kept nagging at the side, and hence the need for proof. The trust was lost when some things were found out back then. But love was still there and so the need for reassurance arose. Anyway, in all these muddy waters of true and lies, the grayness of all, the stuff which was left unsaid, and perhaps the lies which were spoken, we need to take a call about what we need to or have to do. Its the same thing as letting go or holding on. We would never know if it would've worked on had we held on a little more. We don't even know if whats being shown now is the truth. Perhaps they too chose to take a call which was much different from yours? It gives immense joy to see people happy even if they have hurt you to kingdom come. I've always prayed for everyone to get the things which i never got, hoping that atleast my prayers would come true for them. Though the pain remains its lessened by the fact that if they can be, perhaps some day i would too.
So, again, going ahead assuming and taking things at face value is what helps. I believe what i see, its much less painful than trying to decipher the truth, which again is multifaceted. I've always ached due to the fact that they got something which i so badly wanted from exactly those people i wanted it from! But thats life. I know what i need to do but somehow i've been scared or perhaps too lazy to change my ways.
But this is where i get my closure finally. After 6 long years. Of which you know nothing, though i always thought you understood even when there was no contact. But thank you for putting up these posts that you have. Its nice to finally see it for myself :)
For me what i felt was beyond anything i had ever felt, like i always told you.
Its nice that the same issues which i face, sleeplessness, restlessness are being addressed for someone else if not me. It gives me hope that one day they will be. If not by someone else then by my own self.
I feel like some kind of a magnet for same kind of boys/men. Cause i know for a fact that not all men lie. I've seen truthful ones around, though never with me. I get the liars. :) But that will change soon. Cause closure is what I'm getting now. Not only from you but all the others too.
Things that i've held on to so tightly are now loosening up and dispersing away in the wind.. Its a little sad but a lot refreshing..And so is seeing you happy. Cause no matter how badly people behave they do deserve to be happy, cause possibly some point of time in life they did make someone else happy and for other nice characteristics that they have as people. Hoping that the lies would stop in your life and everyone else's.
So here's assuming again that what i see and hear is the truth. Since i wear no masks i assume no one else does, be it at my detriment. Truth and honesty are the biggest strengths there ever were.

After having given a truck load of shit in life for every tiny thing, I'm slowly moving towards a space of not giving much. I don't want to cause i love giving. But its exhausting trying to keep up with the masks and webs of lies. The betrayal has been to the extent that now its impossible to trust anyone, and that's exhausting. Its not been a single person or a single incident but a bunch of things, including my innate sense of insecurity. It's not that I haven't tried to satiate it or rid myself of it. But the time required or a balm to work on your wounds was always cut short by another wound. Again possibly by my fault of impatience. It takes two to tango they say, but maybe I'm an exception to the rule? Its not that I'm naive. I'm not. I just like to believe things. I like to believe in the innate goodness that i see in people. But people are not like me. They have masks. Even if there is a shard of goodness somewhere within them they have possibly destroyed it or choose to ignore it. Could be because of fear of exposing themselves to a possibility of hurt, which i dance with every single moment. I'm not scared of hurt, that doesn't mean I want it. It means its OK if there is hurt as long as there has been truth and equal efforts from both sides to maintain a relationship, truly believing what we feel and making it work. And then if things are not working the mutual respect to communicate and be truthful to each other and more importantly to oneself. There is a possibility that both will be on different pages of the book, and that's OK, as long as there is communication and clarity about these aspects between the two or three or four concerned people.
But as I said its hard to see this anymore. Not that i saw it before anytime. There was a hope that perhaps if i hang in there things will be different. This hope kept me going. But now, its difficult because its exhausting to see masks without the power to unravel them. Neither the desire. I do not understand masks. And if that means i will get trampled all along then so be it. Some people who care tell me i should have self respect and not let people do this to me. Yes they are right. But I'm more of an actor than a waiter (if those words make sense). I cannot stay put and let things happen, it makes me feel what if i was supposed to do something and the thing just passed me by cause i didn't do anything! Also my self-worth is defined by how i see myself. And my picture in my own eyes is clear. I know who i am. I will not say "perfect" but i know what I'm worthy of and though what i get from my actions doesn't equate it, i don't know of another way to deal with it.
I've said it many times before and yet again now- Perhaps its time. To change against my will. Maybe to just give it a try. What scares me is what if i can't change back! What if I'm stuck being someone i don't want to be and I cannot mend my way then? Will i remember who i used to be? Will i be able to become my old self again should i not like being the new me? I may not be scared of being hurt but I'm definitely scared of hurting. So perhaps i plunge into it and will stop giving a shit now on..

Yes, its been many a moons
Since..
That Gulmohar tree and the imaginary games of sailing and flying
Since sarees of spare cloth
And then the ready to wear ones
Its been many a moons
Since..
You cradled me in your arms
The feeling that no matter what everything is going to be OK
The those magical mommy hugs that healed everything
Its been many a moons
Since..
Butterflies in the stomach
Stolen glances
Chits being passed secretly
The butterflies are now a rotting heap at the bottom of the pit.. Or they sit
on my ears in hope..
Its been many a moons
Since..
When friends could and would mend a heartbreak..
Now at times its friends who break something they had mended long ago
with their smiles and tears..
Its been many a moons..
Since the eyes laughed heartily and the heart rose and danced in joy..
Its been many a moons since I've been held like it was really meant..
Its been many a moons..
That I've been trying to fill up endless voids and seal the wounds, erase the scars..
Many a moons since I'm holding on, trying to be strong..
Many a moons since the moon himself smiled..

So a little analogy about how people walk separate. Consider a fly, randomly flying around sniffing at stuff, cleaning herself, and generally thriving happily, looking for a fruit she can settle into. She keeps running into many of them, some she likes some she doesn't. Then one day she finds a fruit she thinks she likes, so she goes on it. Its a nice fruit warm sweet cozy. So she settles down in it. She spends a lot of quality time being in it. The more time she spends the deeper she goes into it. And that is something she likes. After considerably time however something starts itching her. So she scratches it as a normal reflex, and it becomes OK. Life continues, but then another day the itch returns, a little more intensely, so she scratches again! This time however she is a bit wary. Though she consoles herself that its probably nothing to worry about. As she goes deeper the itch intensifies and so does the frequency. She thinks of talking to the fruit and does too. But the fruit is at a loss of what is happening. The fly can't take it any more. The fruit tries to make her comfortable cause obviously it likes her too, but it can't change its nature or cut parts of itself out! So its all in vain. The fly has to decide whether to keep scratching and bleeding and to leave. The fruit is sad but it can't see the fly dying each minute. So it leaves her free to make a decision. Sadly but with some hope and very painfully the fly extracts herself from the fruit. She is covered with it from top to bottom, and it weighs down on her. Her wings which she had prepared to never use again are all soggy and stuck. Slowly she walks away from the fruit.. Its painful but it needs to be done or she would've lost herself to some other kind of pain- the pain of not being able to be herself. She still loves the fruit and it loves her too, but they both know this needs to be done. She will find herself clean in sometimes, the heaviness will disappear and her wings will be crisp and sparkly soon, for her to take high flights as she used to. It will take time but she will gradually heal herself..
Sometimes, the fly sits in the fruit for this long or sometimes just for some time for the itch to set in. Some times even less amount of time can bring a large amount of baggage, depending on the kind of fruit and the kind of fly. If the fly is fragile any kind of fruit and less amount of time might bring stickiness. If the fruit is too mushy then any kind of fly will get stuck for longer and even if it doesn't there might still be heaviness.
Finding the right combination of fruit and fly is what relationships are all about. Hurt will be there no matter what, till you find the right fruit or fly. Sometimes the itch is temporary and not life threatening. Sometimes a little scratching helps, or just ignoring it might help too!
Its all about trying to understand what is happening and being on the same page with your fruit or fly! :)
So go on be fearless, be truthful, be brave, love, live! What else is there to it? ;) Don't be scared of the itch or soggy wings or impressions left by your fly.. Take your flight and plunge in, accept someone into you!! :)

You fit into me..
The gaps between my fingers..
The curve between my shoulder and chin..
You fit, warm and cozy..
There is no hurry, a sense of calm and peace engulfs us..
When you fit into me..
The swish of my waist..
The odd angle of my elbows..
Even my crooked nose..
You fit into me..
Through the wilderness of our pasts, here we have come to a haven.. Together yours and mine..
This moment in time.. This expanse that we've built with ourselves..
Of who we really are..
Without pretenses..
This post card of memories..
Where you fit into me perfectly..
The space behind my ear..
And the one between my lips..
As our eyes droop slowly to the intoxicating melody of the moonlight
And open crinkled by the tinkle of sunshine..
I find myself entangled in you..
As you fit into me..

Building up a house of cards. Carefully selecting a Queen and a King then an Ace and a Jack to go with them. Its the thing about queens and kings, an allure about them.. The aces have their own high place.. Its the jacks who do the work and are never given the acknowledgement, least said about the other cards, the better. So i started building a house of cards. Slowly and steadily. It went up high, I was thrilled as i kept adding cards upon cards. I could see it was beautiful, serene.. Then there was a light breeze.. It was refreshing since i was a little tried building this house of cards for myself. I was also waiting to see when it can be finally fit for me to stop and admire it. So the breeze was welcome, i closed my eyes to feel it caress my tired face and neck.. And in that fraction the house of cards lay flat on the floor. Hours and hours of careful hard-work it took to build my perfect house of cards and one light tiny breeze was all it took for the house to fall back. It didn't even put up a fight, it just fell. Disregarding my love and efforts.. And that when i realized, it was all just an illusion. Building delicate things like house of cards will eventually result in them falling flat. Its in their nature.. However, the sooner they fall the better it is. Disillusionment is the gift they bring in their falling. So that is what you can be thankful for.. No harm in building them, just know it, and be prepared for the gift. You never know which house might turn out to be of cards..

I have a tornado in my pocket
It likes to get out once in a while
I have a tornado in my pocket
And i think it is quite tamed
Unlike the dragon in my heart
Or atleast so it makes me feel
I have a tornado in my pocket
Which makes me zoom about at times
It takes me high up with it
And when it is bored with my weight it drops me smacking back down!
I have a pet tornado in my pocket
It likes me i think
Cause i sure love it!

It rained last night. Its a beautiful morning today. The kinds that i love! Standing in the balcony door (not in the actual balcony) resting on the frame, sipping a steaming cuppa, i looked on outside. The wet streets, the overcast sky, the occasional morning walker with a pet on a leash and feeling the cool wet air on my face. There are a lot of high rise buildings around my place, i noticed them. Then the weather made me think of snowy chilly rough mountains, as I'm now living closer to them than i ever have! I noticed a middle aged women in one of the many hundred balconies stretched out in front of me, she was wiping the floor and had a big belly. This vision and these buildings coupled with the thoughts of mountains and going off for a trek/expedition made me think as if everyone is here for a reason and the same reason too! As if they are all waiting for something to happen. That one event in which everyone will participate. But they've been waiting for centuries. Lost generations to this wait. Athletes, dancers, sportsmen, artists.. All turned slowly into something else. Athletes with pot bellies, dancers with broken feet, prejudiced artists.. They turned away from their own true self after the hopes and expectations of the events were slowly crushed by the ever lasting wait. Busied themselves in menial day to day activities. Never taking time out to hone their skills, their true selves, as they waited. Perhaps somewhere they forgot who they were and what they were waiting for? Did they lose faith completely that the event was ever going to happen? And it makes me wonder what will happen the day that event takes place? Will they be able to bring out their true selves from this comfortable cocoon and illusion they have built around themselves? Will the force of their forefathers help them do it? Or is that dead too? Will they be running a lame race as their lives now? Has the event lost its charm for them? What is it that we live for and where are our dreams? What is it that is the root of our existence? Who are we really? Where are we headed as individuals or together? When will we realize that the race isn't hidden that life is in front of us each moment, this is our event, our life! Live it, don't just trudge along.. :)

Expectations versus reality. The war continues. This time however it was conducive in my favor. Having taken many big decisions in the past couple of years, this one was the biggest- Moving out, and that too to a completely new city halfway across the country! Its not like I haven't lived away from home, but shifting entirely- The very first! So there was a lot of apprehension, naturally, and even more so given where i was shifting to! The capital and nearby areas are not quite well known for being great places to live in, specially for women. And so as i voiced my decision to move exactly there, there was a downpour of shocked reactions. People started off telling me not to shift at all, family and friends alike, and wondered aloud why it has come down to moving right there! Of course all of it was out of concern, though it irked me a little. But none of this bogged me down since i was sure of my decision. Slowly people started accepting it and then came the experience sharing, most of it, rather all of it, being unpleasant.. In the beginning i was quite irritated, though i knew the root of their opinions, being aware of all the news that floated about constantly about that region. Then, i too started just hearing people out, since all the advice was for my well-being. Though they accepted my decision eventually, though a bit reluctantly, and i'm sure if i had dropped the plans all of my world would have been happy.
I have never even visited the capital let alone stayed and experienced it before. So i had created a picture of it based on all these inputs i got from people and the news that keeps coming in relentlessly. I was prepared for the worst. Taking all the precautions and imagining what i would do if any adverse situations did pop up! And then the day finally dawned. I was excited to explore living alone on my own, away from the cozy comfort, love and care of all my close ones..
I know some people staying here, friends and some family friends too, so it is a bit of relief. As i start to go out and see places i realize its not as bad as i had imagined it to be. Of course its not as good as back home, and there is a lot of need to take extra precautions and to be extra alert all the time.
Friends helped me find a place to move in, shared with two other girls. I've set up the room, and the first time ever in life i have flatmates! Its interesting and exciting to experience all this. The girls seem alright and its basically exactly like i wanted a place to be. So far so good. There is still a lot of time to experience a lot of things and i'm yet to see and explore the entire place. Friends have been a huge help and are always there to help out in any case. I'm glad to have such people around. Guess some good deeds from sometime are paying off. Technology too is a huge aide- be it keeping in touch with all with updates or checking maps to ensure the auto is going the right way!
So far what i have experienced has confirmed my belief that we need to see stuff for ourselves and not just go with people's opinion of things. It applies to something as small as a movie to something as big as an entire city. Since they have views, expectations and experiences of their own which shapes how they see something (perspective!). It needn't mean i have the same. Though all the advice stays with me and helps me become more prudent.
So yeah when reality is a notch better than expectations its a bit heartening and give hopes. And what do we have to live by if not hope! :) So go out there and experience what you have always wanted to. Who knows, it might turn out better than expected? And even if it doesn't atleast you will have tried and know. I think nothing hurts more than regret. Be it of anything.