The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

That's the word which describes my situation perfectly. Its as if someone took my heart out and beat it up to a pulp, but not killing it just leaving enough life to feel the pain. But not so much as to get my head around it and think of healing. But just enough to keep feeling battered. Don't know if it will heal and if it does how long it will take.. Don't know how long i've to keep laying here unable to make a move. Caught, trapped in my own self. Why do i need to be the better person? I want to be equally bad, i want to avenge myself. But i cannot. Because i am the better person. And when you are this way you have no choice but to be trampled upon by your own good. This is when your goodness backfires. When you feel helpless caught in scissors. When all you want to do is break-free to let go and never look back, but you can't. You wait for a savior but you don't know if you will let them save you cause your current plight is cause of someone you thought to be a savior and turned out to be a demon in disguise. What do you do? You have to save yourself. But there is a long wait before you can do that. In the mean time you just lie there waiting, bleeding out. As you lie there time ticking by, a feeble thought crosses your mind- maybe its the poison bleeding out. You black out, one of the many, due to a sudden ray of hope. But it doesn't last long and the predator comes back. You steel yourself again him, but the monster of lies, memories, devastation is not to be defeated. Not yet. The blows keep coming, stopping just short of taking your life. You think everything inside you is dead now, but hope that maybe somewhere the real you is still alive. That you was strong, to overcome any attacks. You just hope and pray that by being the better person, the pain will subside.

Don't know if i already have a post by this name, but nonetheless. There is a sudden flicker of of excitement thinking of rain. Everyday i wake up and take a peek outside the window, hoping to see those clouds around.. Today i was gifted by them.. soooo happy! Love the feel of rain in the air, the clouds hovering above.. Specially when there is idleness about and a general wait for something to happen, this happening is more that enough to raise my spirits like nothing else can! No matter how much i write about rain its never enough.. I wish rains would repeat themselves as much as i write about them or maybe more.. Lashing about, playing about, idling, conversing.. I want them in every way possible, at all times! They make me feel as if i have a constant companion.. All sorts of doubts, fear, sorrow, loneliness instantly evaporates. I need nothing else then.. :) A flicker of hope has arisen yet again.. :) Wet streets, wet trees, smell of mud, a chill in the air- ah! puddles, splashes, laughter! RAIN! my love forever more.. :) "Always" :)

When you are tired.. Exhausted.. Out of breath for all the wrong reasons? When you have held on for long, kept falling and picking yourself up and kept going. Now that your feet are all worn out already and its still a long way to go.. When there are shards inside you with the skin grown around it so that they can't be seen to the naked eye. What do you do when you just feel like letting it all go.. When you feel like you don't want to care anymore. When it just doesn't make any sense any more. When the path that you have chosen over and over again tends to not lead anywhere and yet your belief stays that it does lead somewhere or atleast the view along the way would be worth the wounds.. What do you do? How do you stop feeling? Do you even want to stop feeling?
What do you do when you can't go on anymore, not matter how hard you try? I guess you just wait and watch. Sadly for people like me there is no "being a fly on the wall". We go through each and every moment being alive and hence dying each moment! So yes wait and watch while dying more and more inside..

A faint whimper
A weak whisper
The sound of a scuttle
A shuffle here and a bit there
A sigh
An audible moan
A murmur
A low howl
A painful scream
Ripping the air
A screech, an uproar, a cry..
A calling out..