The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

"I typed them, each one of them, no copy paste" he said. A lifetime worth of kisses, fit into one night. Then my words flowed, as if they needed a reason:
Kuthe hishob thevaycha,
hasnya cha ani radnyacha..
Sath ahe evdhi ekach ratra,
jagun ghe save majhya..

Where is the time to count smiles and tears
This it he only night we get
Live it with me, let go of your fears..

And then we let go.. :)

There was a time she glowed.
She never knew that until it stopped.
She looks around and sees ashes..
Not knowing how they came about..
The last she remembers before losing consciousness was a loud cry raging in her ears
Which didn't shut out no matter how hard she tried, how hard she ran..
There was a fire yes..
But it was inside, how did the ashes come about around her outside?
There was a time she laughed..
A real loud clear free laugh..
Without a care in the world..
All her teeth showing, mouth wide open..
Words barely being formed between the laughs..
Stomach hurting..
That is what was around..
And sparkles.. A sparkle in the eyes a bounce in the walk..
A kiss on the lips and the neck..
There were no ashes..
Now she carefully swept the ashes beneath the carpet..
Her cheeks felt swollen but her eyes were dry..
She sat now besides the ashes, they were all she had now..
Hidden inside her..

Ravi sat on the edge of the bed. It wasn't an usual thing for him to do. Being on the edge like that. It was her's. He looked on observing every movement of her's as she stood in front of the mirror. He always observed her. She wasn't the fussy kind when it came to her looks. Yet, now she pinched and rubbed at the fine lines which started appearing around her sensuous mouth a short while ago.. He sat watching, a faint smile dying away on his lips, throat going dry by the moment, it wasn't lust or love, it was guilt, cowardice. He struggled with the words in his throat, they gurgled incoherently. He was scared. He knew she was aware of him, each moment, even if she pretended otherwise. She was always, it surprised him. Meera stole a look at him from the corner of her eye as she lined her eyes with kohl. Her smile was derision. She knew exactly how he felt. There was a time when she used to feel guilty for making him feel that way through her actions. Even if she was hurt, she felt guilty for hurting him back even unknowingly. But then that was long ago, when there were no lines, just a bit of acne. When they were younger, much younger and alive. Now, she felt dead, like the patches of skin on her face. She had prayed, she had begged. She remembered clearly, each expression on his face, the coldness in his eyes. Now he sat here like an innocent thing. She felt nothing. She had warned him. In her fits of rage and agony, she warned him each time. She begged to him to not let her die, but he never understood. And here they were once again.
Ravi cleared his throat, playing with the edge of the bed sheet, it comforted him, he had once told her. One of the very few things he shared about himself. She continued to apply mascara, it meant she was almost done getting ready. "I love you", her heart skipped a beat. It shocked her. The words and the nerve. She turned back to look at him fully, beautifully dressed as usual. He recalled the numerous times she dressed and would wait for his approval, for his attention. His eyes pleading, her's stone cold. "Really? So?". He knew he had lost her long back. Why she was still there was a mystery to him, he was grateful. "Forgive me please". "So that you can hurt me again? Not that i can feel it anymore" She lied. She was dead she felt it, but she felt the hurt too. Like a dull thud, like the way the inside of your cheek feels when you bite it while its under anesthesia during a root canal. You do feel it. "I'm sorry, I know its meaningless to you now, but still I am". "Doesn't matter. Nothing changes. I hope you are ready, they will be here anytime now". He kept looking on. She could see that frustration and anger slowly rise inside him. And she stared back, daring him to raise his voice. She always stood up to him. Of late he had stopped letting his frustration show. "Too late" she thought. He lowered his eyes and got up to change. She left the room and a draft of cold air engulfed him. Rain in March! Her birthday, her love, she's leaving. Of all the things that he never fathomed about her, this was one. She tried but he could never reach her. They were just two very different people. It was not that cold, and he was always warm but he shivered as he pulled on the shirt. She had only left the room but the void in his heart grew. "Now I know what she talked about, each passing moment and more space. I deserve this". He heard the car downstairs and sighed. This was a part of the punishment, watching her smile, watching her have fun and never being the reason behind it. He didn't know that it was a bigger punishment for her than it was for him. For she always loved more.

Words bring me peace. There is some tranquil quality about them which has me hooked! There have been times when i've been away from writing. I've faced blanks whenever i thought of writing something. I've been at a loss of inspiration, always having found it in something or someone outside of me. This coupled with the terrible emotional upheaval i was going through, still am, there was no outlet to how i was feeling. It was a cycle of pushing away that little peace that i could've had and so pushing it away further! There have been times when i've sucked at what i've written, but then when your feeling crap inside with no outside help crap is what is going to be written, or so i thought. Though i've written quite well when i've been in turbulent times, again, or so i thought! ;) :P Maybe confusion creates crappy writing. Anyway thats besides the point. So yes, i manage to communicate quite well in the written word. At times i find it difficult to communicate with fellow beings around me. Or maybe its the connect thats missing. So here when i say words better than actions, it would mean written against oral. At times i feel writing it down would explain things better, or that there is no need to talk so much! But other people have different views on what it means to communicate. Yes words and voice both are important for effective communication. Perhaps the sound of someone's voice, or the fact that the person has taken the effort to use his/her voice, makes you connect to them. It does feel nice when people do talk to you doesn't it? Then why not return the favor? Though it seldom happens that a voice has as intense an effect as written words most definitely will! :D
Now coming to words better than actions in terms of promises and acting on them. Well both. If you are going to take time to "act" on something the you got to talk about it. If you have talked about it then you better act on it, and if you can't then you need to talk again! Talk = written/oral! Phew. If someone specifically asks you not to then maybe don't, but it rarely happens that people don't want to hear stuff. Unless its really against their liking.
So well.. I love words, yes, and love actions too! A combination of both is lethal and rare and you would most likely than not be the most charming prince around! :P :D no wonder i haven't met mine yet.. ;) :)

She prays for rain..
She prays for a storm..
As the one inside her rages..
Its a parched dry one, a tornado more than a storm..
It throws itself out time and again..
She picks up and destroys everything in her path
There is not a drop of water, cracked lips and a scorched heart..
She rages. She screams her inflamed lungs out..
Her throat tears and blood fills the deprived, inflicted eyes..
Desolate, un-bearing the vast expanse now barren within..
Empty sockets unceasingly search for a storm..
Fill her and drown her once and for all..

So. I've been asked many times to just forget things. Usually the painful stuff that happens, which apparently is no one's mistake. Even though i can give exact proof that i was indeed someone's mistake. However, that point aside, sometimes we do need to just forget somethings in order to move on or to stop feeling miserable. I think it is very much possible to just completely forget something if we really want to and make that decision absolute. By absolute i mean that we don't leave even a minuscule desire to remember it. There are somethings that i have forgotten that way.
Another thing is concentration. Have you ever just concentrated on one thing with your eyes? I have experienced this before but recently while waiting at a traffic signal i was just looking at the signal and for a long time without blinking, as if in a trance and things around it slowly started blacking out.. All i could see was the signal and nothing around it. Then the signal started blacking out and i had to blink! That made me think a little bit. So many times we hear people advising us to concentrate on the positive qualities of people. I never could think of it. I used to think but all the qualities make the person so why concentrate on the good only! Well it depends. Depends on if you want the person in your life and in what way if you do. If you really want that person in your life, if you know that there are lots of good positive qualities in him which are important, if you want a strong healthy relationship but if some minor negative ones are coming in way then you this concentration on good will help. Combined with the forgetting exercise.
If you don't think about whats negative and you keep looking at positive then you will see only positive! However it also makes me wonder if I'm talking about denial here? Denial that the person has negative points? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you can still be aware that certain qualities are there which puts you on the guard. I guess we can twist and modify the combination of concentration and forgetting at the level that we want.. Why not give it a try? ;) Its always good to make yourself feel better if the other person can't change themselves right? Give it a try I'd say :) Let the bad things blackout, who knows they might really stop existing? After all the world is all an illusion ;)

You GOT to read this!!

This post would be my perspective/opinion for the above blog.

There still are people who don't understand that depression is as natural as any other state a living being can be in! Like anger or happiness or love! Its a state, a feeling. Whats there to not accept in it? Duhh.. Its like you are trying to pick and choose from a whole gamut of "features" you are born with! You can't pick and choose its all there inside you. Some may experience it some may not, for some it might just be a dull thud somewhere deep inside.Ways of dealing with it maybe different, but why not accept it and deal with it? Why act as if nothing of this sort exists?
For me depression has been there for a while. I always knew it. I never sought professional help since I know that the answers and solutions lie inside me. I even know what I need to do, but maybe I'm just being lazy. Maybe i even like feel certain things. I've said to some people that crying is as much a part of life as is laughing. Denial is a waste of time. Though i do accept that denial exists, I've never been in it. I may choose to hope positively that somethings will change, but denial it is not! I think the good thing about my depression is knowing exactly what it is, where it stems from and what needs to be done.
There are phases where I love to overcome it and be triumphant and then there are phases when i voluntarily go back. People don't seem to understand this and insist i take help! They are right too, since they care for me they can't see me in the hell that i put myself through. But i feel i need it. It is almost like a conscious unconscious choice for me! LOL! I have tried sharing this with people but they seem to be on a different plane where life needs to be all smiling and happy all the time. There are times when i am at a loss about what i can do to get out of this phase of this state. But then i come around and get bored. The solution inside me gets out on its own then! :) :D I'm already feeling excited about this thing. Yes talking does help. I mostly talk to myself from all angles. I find it too taxing to talk to someone new about all this cause there is too much and i might miss telling some small detail which is very important! So I become my own therapist.. I feel sorry for the people around me who have to bear the consequences of my antics and the expectations I put on them when I'm in one of my states! But thats life isn't it, it can't be all rosy for all of you either ;) :P :D
Think about it, talk about it, and find your own way of dealing with it. Be it therapy medication anything. The important thing is knowing yourself! What you show to the world or what people think of you doesn't matter as long as you know yourself and what your actions mean, to you and whoever else you want.
Depression exists and its not big deal. Just understand it and then decide where you want to be with it! :)
This indeed is a coming out for me.. :) Thanks R for writing that post! :)

Ah yes! He's here yet again. And again i write, i will keep writing till the end of days, every time he comes, i think. Its just that i get sooo excited when i see those clouds hovering over! Its reassuring in a way, its exciting! The darkened skies at an hour unimaginable. The general coolness in the weather.. Sigh... It evens everyone and everything.. There is general excited buzz about and im filled with some strange energy. Its just so YAY!! :D :D i would always be found grinned ear to ear when there is rain in the air! :D I LOVE YOU!! so much i can't even write enough! It fills me up to the brim.. Lovely, sweet, dark, clear, fresh, intenseeeee rain! my love.. muaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! drench me please would you with a dash of goosebumps please.. :)

PS- I just noticed this is going to be my 405th post, the previous one was 404th ;) :D #ITmuch hehe

BP- la la la la laaaaa *goofing off in the downpour*
CP- ya ITian ppfftt.. go get home and out and about!

What defines moral responsibility? I don't think there is any framework or any fixed rules for it. For me whatever you can do to help others and to make the world a better place falls under moral responsibility. What does ownership mean? Does it mean only caring for the things you have bought or which you really own? I think not. Any place where you are present or utilizing becomes our responsibility for atleast that point of time.
This post has finally come forth from numerous times in the company washroom and other places which people use and trash. Today I saw a bottle of hand-wash spilled over near the washbasin. Now whoever must've spilled it couldn't simply pick it back up and keep it upright? How much time does it take? A second or two? No one is asking you to clean up the mess but you can atleast undo your own action let alone do something more for the environment/surroundings. It applies to sooo many things! The house keeping staff isn't your slave and you are not kings and queens. They are here to help you out not do your bidding. How can people just act ask if they can get away with anything? Or do they just lack the sensibility of knowing this? I was taught since i was a kid to not throw things around. Hell, we didn't even need to be told twice! Once we saw garbage pilling up around we knew what we are doing might add to it. Do people lack the basic distinction in good and bad or they just like garbage? Or do they think its not their responsibility? How can they not pitch in and do their duty? How can they not know it is their duty? It just pissed me off! So many times i've done something which should've already been done! Be it pick up hand-wash bottles or flush a soiled toilet! What is there to feel degraded about keeping your surroundings clean? Its something to be proud of infact that you have ownership of your environment and you are doing something to make it better! Please open your eyes and minds! Its ours all of this. Keep it clean and take care!!

Oh dear.. The rain! My love forever.. So many words written about him and yet its not enough.. Every single time not matter when he pours I'm his.. People curse the untimely rain. I understand its not a good thing and the whole ecological imbalance etc. which is the doing of the same people that curse it, but i don't care. I love it. This weekend was our birthday celebration right when the rain started pouring. The whole day my mood was uplifted seeing all those clouds around. In the morning i saw a wisp pass over the sun and hoped against hope that there would be more of them around.. And voila! The sky was filled with clouds in no time!! Then by afternoon i found myself wondering if it would rain. Though i didn't really pray for it, since i knew it would really put off my best friend! Specially on that day when it was all about getting dressed up looking our best and chilling out all night! So i didn't pursue it further. As the afternoon progressed the clouds grew denser filling me with child like delight ad eventually started pouring! I was besides myself with joy.. Eventually we all managed to reach the venue on time and had a blast without much issues.. This one is added to the list of best birthdays i had till date. :) Thanks to all involved..
The rain and after effects take me back to a similar time 5 years back! Its the same feeling.. This rain and summer has me throws of nostalgia.. Its just beautiful.. Its taking me back lovely places back in time and very strongly.. Be it me newly starting to work, be it moments shared with special people and the way i felt, be it trips to Mumbai and that feeling.. Oh god its all so lovely!! And its been a while since i felt this way..
Though there is a hanging burden of some important decisions i still need to take, this time and solace, this relief that this untimely rain has brought is more than welcome. It was required.. As it always is! :) Thank you.. Love you "Always" :)