The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

When do we become dependent and independent? Is it a matter of choice or is it not? Is it conditioning? I usually end up blaming everything on conditioning, shaping of something/someone is what is going to define how its going to work.. Perhaps, perhaps not. We being human have a choice since we have something called as an advanced brain which can think. But how many of us really do choose? How many of us break free of our habits? Habits which cause us pain or inconvenience? How many of us are even aware that we are slaves to these habits?
I used to be independent.. Though i had a desire to be dependent maybe for some things, to be able to experience somethings.. I never got it. However looks like somewhere, over this long period of time from teenage till late twenties, i became dependent on the whole idea of having someone to depend on. It feels like an extra growth on the inside of my head which needs to be urgently cut off. My independence is my identity. That is what made me love myself and in turn the people around! Though i never got that one dream fulfilled i had myself and i had hope and dreams.. Its time to shed the cloak of dependence and do things for ourselves. Eventually only cause you have a dream doesn't mean people are going to fulfill it even if they love you and say that they will make your dreams come true! I wish they never said such things cause fools like me end up believing and trusting and getting hurt then when they never do anything.
If your way of loving someone if different from their way of loving you then say it! Don't lead the other person on cause it causes immense hurt and then love etc seems like a fake facade..
Here's to independence! On the pseudo eve of my birthday.. Here's to being re-born and breaking free.. Here's to liberation from habit and conditioning.. Here's to being myself!! :) :) Cheers!! :) :)

Saw one of these cars again today. You know the ones from driving schools. People struggling to learn to drive. They have these signs put up all over the car warning others that the driver is learning. Why do they do it? Why do they put up the signs? Even after the signs are put other still curse and yell the the poor learner when he stops in the middle of the road or makes some mistake. Maybe some people are more tolerant or smart to understand not to go very close that vehicle. However even after getting out from that car and into their own car some people end up making the same mistakes or perhaps new ones, but they do make mistakes while driving. Even when they have learnt it!
It made me think maybe even us humans should have tags like this pinned to our foreheads. "Liver is learning to live". Because no matter how many years you have lived, no one here is a pro at it! Though perhaps some people have devised a strategy, we don't even understand when such people come and zoom by us poor folk grappling with day to day living.. Maybe if we have tags people will know if we make mistakes. Since everyone makes mistakes. Even if you take the tag off you will still make mistakes maybe lesser.. But like the road life too is unpredictable isn't it? So do we ever really learn it all to remove the tag? We keep learning, yes, always.. Learning to live..

Summer!! Its here again.. Many people get surprised at my love for summer as well as monsoons! I love both of them equally.. and well winter too! They are here for a reason and i enjoy every bit of them. If you feel hot do something about it yourself. I'd rather enjoy all the things that come in tow! :D
Its as if summer wakes everyone up. Everything around feels alive, jumping with life.. After a winter where everything freezes and hibernates, summer brings food and life.. In India exams and vacations! I love the summer breeze.. a it has a typicality to it as if a harbinger of something exciting! :D Oh yes i love summer! The mornings, all the people out and about, the dirt the sweat, the cursing at times, the whole life of it all. Even our blood is alive.. It brings out the desire to do something! Be it stay indoors or go out and explore random stuff.. Meeting people, just doing anything! You can't stay still in summer.. Its a season of activity.. Maybe thats why i love it.. Also monsoon follows soon after.. But thats another matter.. The sun is here in all his glory.. Summer has begun.. Yellow, bright, life, joy, activity, fun!! Thats the spirit of summer.. I love you!! :D :)

Yes oh yes.. The please and high a full head and multi-tasking gives is unbeatable by anything else!! Finally after these many months of idleness the mind is full with things to do.. Empty mind is the devil's workshop couldn't be more applicable to me.. And the devil is finally beaten. Don't know for how long, but enjoying this phase as long as it lasts, hoping that the idle phase wouldn't return for long and even if it does it won't be as long as the previous one!
So here's to work. May all of us have our hands full and keep the emptiness devil at bay! Cheers! :)

Oh I'm a stalker alright. LOL. Even saying it gives me tingles! I guess i've been it for a while. And no shame whatsoever obviously! I don't think there is anything wrong with stalking as long as you are not hurting anyone. For me stalking arises out of the need to know. Which in turn arises out of people's habit to lie blatantly. My recent forays into the world wide web, as i tried to get a grasp of things, perhaps seeking validation, brought to fore somethings about people from my past (and thankfully so- in the past). I realized how similar some people are to me. on the same side they are also waaaaay too pretentious. Being bold and just plain dumb might seem similar but they aren't. Wanting to seek validation by saying it and then waiting acceptance and praise by displaying pretentious actions are waaay too different things. And hence no these people are not similar to me. Thank god!
But stalking is fun. You never know what you will run into! It maybe nice or ugly. Mostly it is ugly and enough evidence for my theories, which are almost always right! Why people lie is beyond me. Anyway the truth always outs itself, and denial well is a waste of time! :) :D
I love realizations!! Feeling much better already.. yoo hoo!!

CP- whaaat! stalker! :/
BP- yo dude, what you seeing? what you sees? saw? see-saw? huh?? you see what i saw?
CP- no one is going to stalk you ever. Do you stalk me? :O
BP- that yellow little butterfly, fly, fly, fly... *wanders away amazed by the butter-fly* :P

I missssss travelling. It is liberating. Travelling for work or just aimlessly. Honeymoon afterthoughts- it was more of a tour and should've been planned a bit differently. More leisure time was required than the running around! :D Or maybe i just need a trip for being quiet. Again repeating the same thing from the previous posts. Another of the recently occurred incidences is the dissolving of our unit at work, sold off etc. It just created a feeling of melancholy of people going away. We put so much of ourselves into the work work do that when it is taken away from us, and it always is, it creates a sort of huge gaping hole in us. And then filling it up with something else takes time. i guess thats that phase i'm going through. The process of filling up gaps. It includes the holes created after reading a book! Hell thats one critical hole. Though after a book is over, we can savor its flavor for sometime and then move on into reality. Well i just need things to fill up my time and my mind.. And there are things so readily available and being offered. Thanks to the lovely person who is besides me all the time.. :) Willing to do anything for my smile.. Yes some decisions i took were right. Men take time to understand things that are natural to women, when you explain they understand and if they will they will definitely act on them. But there are some who refuse to understand because they don't wish to act on them. Thankfully I've got the former! I don't know if this is some kind of validation or self-assurance thing im writing about. Maybe it just helps me to understand everything happening with me and around me a little better. Since everything is NEW! :S at work at home, phew! There should be a lot happening but there is a curious lack of activity. I feel lethargic. I need to get out of this stupid cocoon and get on with it. and that i will! i wonder if everyone goes through these phases. I guess they do. Well anyway, bored i am already. Until next rambling. see ya! :P :D

Sigh! I don't know why I'm forever looking back! Past couple of year have been a whirlwind or activity, mental more than anything. Somehow I haven't been writing much and it keeps striking at me. Writing used to just spurt out. It used to be a release and more than that a companion. I look back cause there are some things which still remain un-reconciled (if that's even a word). The time alone which i required, i got, but somehow i ended up thinking about what im doing in that moment and what i will be doing ahead! Everything seems like a mess up there with un-coherent thoughts and images. The decomposition isn't happening as it should or how it used to. Could it be age? I doubt, after all the mind is more powerful than the body. Perhaps its just things which i had foretold happened that way and i didn't want them to. But like i said the power of the mind!! Things which happened including heartbreaks (well yeah, still!) and unwanted decisions taken knowingly or unknowingly, blindly trusting because i don't know any other way to trust, it always is blind initially when it comes to people, having the trust broken, all this seems to have taken its toll on some part of the brain. The lease i wanted was for it to take its toll on my words!
Somewhere i feel like i've going deeper inside me. The spirit to communicate to exclaim has got somewhat subdued. Ah heck! I no likes this!! It will come back I'm sure of it cause the atom can't stand calm for long! :D What helps is having a supportive company, families (now that i have two! :D) and friends (as always). They have been tolerant and supportive no matter what i did! Including the extended family. They are OK with whatever i do as long as it makes me happy! This reminds me of someone i once so called dated. It was a passionate affair and lasted for almost 4 years (my longest! ;)). It was love i would say. It was the end of everything else for me, and i thought it was the same for him. But sadly it wasn't for him. And after a long period of waiting and holding on i eventually saw that it wasn't going to go ahead the way i had thought it would, cause in his words "it takes two to tango" and since he wasn't much interested in making it work thought he tried to show otherwise, i had to harshly end it. Causing myself a lot of hurt, and the pain of not getting a proper closure. Three years was a long span for me specially when we were so intertwined. It left a deep wound, its healed now, but there is still a faint scar. Now each time we interact, it seems as if that reality which i had buried deep into me, that person whom i had loved back then with all i had, wasn't perhaps real. It was maybe all in my head, led on by him. I acted like i had warned him i would. Had he wanted to make things work he would've read the signs or atleast paid heed to my words and actions, but none of it happened. Thats what hurts me the most maybe. That even after having repeatedly warned him, he let my prediction come true.
Though, i never foretold what happens next after i take certain steps. I did only a little bit of which also has already come true. But the rest of my life is still remaining. How much ever its going to be! The decision to move on was not made, and hence not acted upon. It just happened haphazardly, like this post, and hence its not cut and dried properly. Some parts are still poking out jagged edges. To add to it something totally unexpected and hurtful happened yet again. Which has left me wondering if its really worth trusting anyone, and how does it matter if they do break your trust. Somewhere I've started to lose faith in this whole relationship and love and society and humanity concept. I always believe that if a person knows what they want and they do it then its alright no matter what they do, as long as its not hurting others, or if eventually that person is not going to be happy if they don't do it. Breaking someone'e trust and lying to someone about something that concerns them doesn't fall into that category.
So the question is about my faith. Do i keep giving blindly without expecting anything? Do i still feel like doing something for someone else? Frankly i don't anymore. And thats so not me! I was someone who derived immense pleasure out of giving, doing stuff for people, doing things that made them smile. Acceptance, therein lied my joy, my satisfaction. I needed someone to keep me on my toes all the time so that i wouldn't get bored. And thats what i did get and still am! However, now things are just a lottt subdued, maybe it happens when you enter a certain phase in your relationship where you know you have each other. Though now when i think what would i feel or do if there is someone else? Perhaps i wouldn't care, perhaps i would explode. Its all just so confusing. That even writing about it doesn't help.
Enough of looking back i would like to say. But there are bits and pieces lying there which i need to pick up. I've left some parts of me back there which are essential for my being, for my spirit. Things have happened way too fast in the past year or two, and i just haven't been able to get a grip on myself.
Though I'm sure my choices are good for a variety of reason. Could i have done better? Definitely! Much better. But i just chose one course of action and will stick to it for as long as i can. Maybe this stability is cause a disruption for me. Maybe it is something else. Who knows!
So many words and still nothing! haha.. Feel like continuing to write but its going to be a repeat of the same. There is a barrier which i need to break. But so far i have not been able to see it or figure it out, i can only feel it, but its still quite abstract. Anyhow, the need to look back seems to be slowly reducing, though im not a different person from who i was, maybe a little bit, but my spirit is still the same. Its just wounded a little bit, but it will be back up, soon. Cause if its not that, then its not me. And i love being me! :) :D