The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

So, when you are at peace with yourself and things around you too; when you are doing what you love, being very busy is also not tiring. You will always find time to do more and more things. However, when you are disturbed, even doing nothing tires you out. The mind feels cluttered without reason. Finally having taken a decision i was waiting on for almost months, i feel relieved! I may regret it later, but definitely as of now, this is what i want. This is what i need. And so this is what i do. Life will come around eventually. And this is not the end of it, neither is it life. It is just a part of life. Like many other things i've let go. Life goes on.

In her gap toothed smile, i found innocence
The warm gap in his fingers, i found companionship
The stringy gap in her hair, i found experience
The gap in distance, i found longing
In the gap between mountains, i found determination
The gap spokes, i found thrill
The gap in keys, i found a home
The gap in pages, i found my own world
In the gap between lashes, i found expression
The gap between toes, found a foothold
The gap in my heart- would you find your place?

So this is how it goes down, i assume.

Imagine yourself at a jolly lively colorful fair. You are there with your besties look around, laughing, trying out stuff and in general having fun.. Out of the blue a lovely attractive person comes up to you. They have a bowl of delicious looking candies or whatever it is that might catch your fancy. They start a conversation and slowly without asking or offering put the delectable goodies in your mouth. You are startled at first but obviously pleasantly. The things offered are nice, indeed, and some are even stuff that you really wanted or love! You are not expected to pay for it or give anything in return. An attachment develops as their seductive eyes hold yours. You don't even notice that as the pile of goodies in the basket starts dwindling the person's appears becomes more and more starved, but the enchanting smile stays on holding yours. You don't even notice the stuff depleting. Then when the basket in empty, they ask you for something back. You are taken aback. You were not expecting this. It makes sense to give something back but you don't know what? The attachment is strong so you don't want to turn them down, but you are at a loss of what to do! You do want the stuff they have on offer but now since its over they can't do much about it. They tell you that you can give them anything like they did, it needn't be something they've always wanted, just something to keep the magic basket alive and full. You try a bit but it doesn't seem to be enough, the basket seems to have developed a hole and everything seems to be falling out! Even they don't want to let go and so keep pushing you. You start noticing other things in the fair. Slowly your attention falters, but they seem quite stuck there, with you. You don't understand why you have to give back when you didn't ask for anything in the first place, then the guilty conscience sets in. You should give back if you took. But that doesn't help the fact that possible you don't want to give or you don't know what to give. The person's patience is low, they start getting agitated, and what seems like a blissful oblivion a while back starts becoming something nasty. You want to get out of there. And that's where it all starts falling to pieces.

This is just a perspective on the give and take in a relationship. Linking to expectations, when you give you shouldn't expect anything back unless you have made sure that there would be something else in return. If you want to give cause that makes you happy then you can't expect the other person to give something back! There is your expectation mismatch. And all this is in your head. You don't ask the person if they can give back , cause thats not how giving works. Its over time that you realise you have given out too much, you still want to but then you are left with nothing to give. Its kind of a weird circle. Understanding the act of giving, which is actually quite simple, become difficult when we get blinded by our needs. Understanding the other person, their expectations and capabilities and matching them with ours is important if you want to continue together. If you realise they aren't matching, its better to pause and take measure before letting yourself get burnt out and then blaming others for the things they never agreed to in the first place. Ideas and way of showing love are another aspect. Everyone has their own way. Its important to understand what yours are and what you expect than to just jump into something without thinking. Then again, if we all could think and fall in love, it wouldn't be love would it ;) However it does apply to the next stage of love which is a "relationship" if you want to have one. Then you need to decide what kind of a relationship you want! Too much math isn't it?
But then who cares! Go out there, fall, get hurt and get back up.. And in the process don't forget to enjoy yourself!! :D :D Give all you want and take whatever comes your way!

Is it love if it needs to be affirmed repeatedly? Is it love if it does not affirm itself? Tricky business isn't it? Insecurity requires affirmations.. And when insecurity is overcome affirmations are no longer required. But wouldn't it be nice to get affirmations of love even when there is no insecurity?
What is an affirmation of love? Is it the presence of the person, loving words, a glance, a caress, a materialistic gift, a normal casual conversation, a fight, saying the words repeatedly or saying it just once? Is it need to say it repeatedly? And if you don't, does it mean you don't love anymore? Or just nothing.. Does nothing account for an affirmation of love? Doing and saying nothing? Who knows..

Recently a very close friend of mine told me I would always be special to him. I asked why? He asked if it was necessary to elaborate. I said it would be nice if he did cause I've never heard anyone elaborate anything about how n what they feel for me.. And after that the words he said pierced me so much that i almost regretted asking him.. It made me wonder why such things happen. Why couldn't i give back the same amount of love to people who did genuinely love me? Why didn't i feel the same way for them. But I'm glad they remain close to me.. I carry them in my heart always. Coming back, such an affirmation of love expressed maybe only once in life would be enough to sustain two people perhaps..

Of late all my conceptions of love n romance have been put to the test.. And so I'm left with absolutely no idea of what to expect and if the things I've always wanted would ever happen.. But that's me digressing.. Do you know what an affirmation of love is? Something to think about? :)

where are you my love? its been so long.. so long that you where here right besides me.. loving caresses.. playful teasing.. day in and day out.. what happened this time? its been so long that you drenched m right to my soul.. so much that i had you inside me! in my very being.. i crave for you.. why are you so half hearted this time around? your glory seems shunned as if your heart isn't into it anymore.. waiting for you to pour.. to flood me and take me away into raptures.. pour down my darling.. atleast for her.. atleast i will get to see you, feel you, be with you.. you came for her even before i existed.. n now you seem distant, careworn.. i longed for you and im still longing this time.. there is the promise i see it everyday and yet you don't arrive.. restore my faith.. i need you.. i love you.. drench me to my bones.. fill me up.. i'm waiting.. come along now.. even if it is for her that you come.. lets bring back the hapiness again.. let me hold your hand it will be alright my love.. you were there for me always n now i am here for you..

There is this one place. Somewhere inside, perhaps it was somewhere outside once. Perhaps there were many such with the same texture to them. There is rain pouring, there is a chill in the air.. There are people around, many, a preparation, hard work, late nights.. A secret urge, an acute attraction, brief stolen glances, a sudden meeting of eyes and hurried turning away with a small smile to self.. There is a longing to experience it.. This nostalgia exists when the experience doesn't! :) There is a song (Paus asa runazunata). There is a painful craving to have it within as it is outside.. This nostalgia, to have it fully. It is like a dream, from an unknown place, somehow visited in the mind.. Perhaps someday again.. We will be young, younger.. carefree, with possibilities.. More possibilities and a freedom from ourselves, to choose. :) The rain, the clouds.. and some more.. a longing..

So many of them! The come in all shapes, sizes and colors.. It difficult for a person like me, who is almost bipolar (not entirely), to be able to make decisions. When there is a constant conflict inside with respect to anything, when both choices (assuming there are two) seem to be OK. This phenomenon is observed at times for the smallest of decisions, for example which side of the bed to get down from! :O haha.. At times the choice is very simple. At times it also helps to have a third person's perspective. And a third person meaning someone who is not remotely associated with your situation. A sounding board. At times i wish i don't have to take a decision, mostly in situations which are not going to be fair to anyone involved. I'm surprised about the frequency of me getting into such situations! :O Nonetheless it is me who has to take the decision or else things would never move forward. It is so difficult to think from all aspects. People close to you want you to take the right decision. But how can you know what is right and what is wrong while you are taking the decision if you don't know what lays ahead? They want you to think from all sides, but there is always a possibility for variable change! And you cannot account for it really while taking the decision. So it is possible that down the line your decision would end up being the wrong one. Now the question remains so what if it ends up being wrong? If i let someone else decide for the the odds are the same that their decision would be wrong too! So rather i buck up and take a decision. Come what may! You tend to be a bit cautious when your decision is going to affect those close to you, the people you care for and those who care for you. However if you do matter to them and they matter to you, and your decision with respect to them ends up being wrong you would always be given a chance for amends right? And even if you are not, you will know where you stand! So well, a decision it is! Made in the head ready to be taken, with shaking hands and watered eyes.. Nothing is written in stone when it comes to life.. So lets bring it on..!!

We all know the famous anecdote about the pessimist and the optimist talking about how the glass if half empty or half full. I was wondering about that and a thought came to my mind. When a pessimist says that the glass is half empty, he obviously does see the water (or whatever else you want) in it and then he sees the empty space, so it could be possible that he sees an opportunity for the glass to be filled further. In thinking this maybe he is being hopeful or more optimist about new opportunities and possibilities for being better. Whereas the so called optimist just sees what is there and then stops at it. Taking this perspective perhaps its good to appreciate what you already have (like the optimist does) but isn't it better to look for what more can be done? And how you can improve even further with a hope and belief that it indeed is possible since the glass is half empty! :) Something to think about?

That's the word which describes my situation perfectly. Its as if someone took my heart out and beat it up to a pulp, but not killing it just leaving enough life to feel the pain. But not so much as to get my head around it and think of healing. But just enough to keep feeling battered. Don't know if it will heal and if it does how long it will take.. Don't know how long i've to keep laying here unable to make a move. Caught, trapped in my own self. Why do i need to be the better person? I want to be equally bad, i want to avenge myself. But i cannot. Because i am the better person. And when you are this way you have no choice but to be trampled upon by your own good. This is when your goodness backfires. When you feel helpless caught in scissors. When all you want to do is break-free to let go and never look back, but you can't. You wait for a savior but you don't know if you will let them save you cause your current plight is cause of someone you thought to be a savior and turned out to be a demon in disguise. What do you do? You have to save yourself. But there is a long wait before you can do that. In the mean time you just lie there waiting, bleeding out. As you lie there time ticking by, a feeble thought crosses your mind- maybe its the poison bleeding out. You black out, one of the many, due to a sudden ray of hope. But it doesn't last long and the predator comes back. You steel yourself again him, but the monster of lies, memories, devastation is not to be defeated. Not yet. The blows keep coming, stopping just short of taking your life. You think everything inside you is dead now, but hope that maybe somewhere the real you is still alive. That you was strong, to overcome any attacks. You just hope and pray that by being the better person, the pain will subside.

Don't know if i already have a post by this name, but nonetheless. There is a sudden flicker of of excitement thinking of rain. Everyday i wake up and take a peek outside the window, hoping to see those clouds around.. Today i was gifted by them.. soooo happy! Love the feel of rain in the air, the clouds hovering above.. Specially when there is idleness about and a general wait for something to happen, this happening is more that enough to raise my spirits like nothing else can! No matter how much i write about rain its never enough.. I wish rains would repeat themselves as much as i write about them or maybe more.. Lashing about, playing about, idling, conversing.. I want them in every way possible, at all times! They make me feel as if i have a constant companion.. All sorts of doubts, fear, sorrow, loneliness instantly evaporates. I need nothing else then.. :) A flicker of hope has arisen yet again.. :) Wet streets, wet trees, smell of mud, a chill in the air- ah! puddles, splashes, laughter! RAIN! my love forever more.. :) "Always" :)

When you are tired.. Exhausted.. Out of breath for all the wrong reasons? When you have held on for long, kept falling and picking yourself up and kept going. Now that your feet are all worn out already and its still a long way to go.. When there are shards inside you with the skin grown around it so that they can't be seen to the naked eye. What do you do when you just feel like letting it all go.. When you feel like you don't want to care anymore. When it just doesn't make any sense any more. When the path that you have chosen over and over again tends to not lead anywhere and yet your belief stays that it does lead somewhere or atleast the view along the way would be worth the wounds.. What do you do? How do you stop feeling? Do you even want to stop feeling?
What do you do when you can't go on anymore, not matter how hard you try? I guess you just wait and watch. Sadly for people like me there is no "being a fly on the wall". We go through each and every moment being alive and hence dying each moment! So yes wait and watch while dying more and more inside..

A faint whimper
A weak whisper
The sound of a scuttle
A shuffle here and a bit there
A sigh
An audible moan
A murmur
A low howl
A painful scream
Ripping the air
A screech, an uproar, a cry..
A calling out..

"I typed them, each one of them, no copy paste" he said. A lifetime worth of kisses, fit into one night. Then my words flowed, as if they needed a reason:
Kuthe hishob thevaycha,
hasnya cha ani radnyacha..
Sath ahe evdhi ekach ratra,
jagun ghe save majhya..

Where is the time to count smiles and tears
This it he only night we get
Live it with me, let go of your fears..

And then we let go.. :)

There was a time she glowed.
She never knew that until it stopped.
She looks around and sees ashes..
Not knowing how they came about..
The last she remembers before losing consciousness was a loud cry raging in her ears
Which didn't shut out no matter how hard she tried, how hard she ran..
There was a fire yes..
But it was inside, how did the ashes come about around her outside?
There was a time she laughed..
A real loud clear free laugh..
Without a care in the world..
All her teeth showing, mouth wide open..
Words barely being formed between the laughs..
Stomach hurting..
That is what was around..
And sparkles.. A sparkle in the eyes a bounce in the walk..
A kiss on the lips and the neck..
There were no ashes..
Now she carefully swept the ashes beneath the carpet..
Her cheeks felt swollen but her eyes were dry..
She sat now besides the ashes, they were all she had now..
Hidden inside her..

Ravi sat on the edge of the bed. It wasn't an usual thing for him to do. Being on the edge like that. It was her's. He looked on observing every movement of her's as she stood in front of the mirror. He always observed her. She wasn't the fussy kind when it came to her looks. Yet, now she pinched and rubbed at the fine lines which started appearing around her sensuous mouth a short while ago.. He sat watching, a faint smile dying away on his lips, throat going dry by the moment, it wasn't lust or love, it was guilt, cowardice. He struggled with the words in his throat, they gurgled incoherently. He was scared. He knew she was aware of him, each moment, even if she pretended otherwise. She was always, it surprised him. Meera stole a look at him from the corner of her eye as she lined her eyes with kohl. Her smile was derision. She knew exactly how he felt. There was a time when she used to feel guilty for making him feel that way through her actions. Even if she was hurt, she felt guilty for hurting him back even unknowingly. But then that was long ago, when there were no lines, just a bit of acne. When they were younger, much younger and alive. Now, she felt dead, like the patches of skin on her face. She had prayed, she had begged. She remembered clearly, each expression on his face, the coldness in his eyes. Now he sat here like an innocent thing. She felt nothing. She had warned him. In her fits of rage and agony, she warned him each time. She begged to him to not let her die, but he never understood. And here they were once again.
Ravi cleared his throat, playing with the edge of the bed sheet, it comforted him, he had once told her. One of the very few things he shared about himself. She continued to apply mascara, it meant she was almost done getting ready. "I love you", her heart skipped a beat. It shocked her. The words and the nerve. She turned back to look at him fully, beautifully dressed as usual. He recalled the numerous times she dressed and would wait for his approval, for his attention. His eyes pleading, her's stone cold. "Really? So?". He knew he had lost her long back. Why she was still there was a mystery to him, he was grateful. "Forgive me please". "So that you can hurt me again? Not that i can feel it anymore" She lied. She was dead she felt it, but she felt the hurt too. Like a dull thud, like the way the inside of your cheek feels when you bite it while its under anesthesia during a root canal. You do feel it. "I'm sorry, I know its meaningless to you now, but still I am". "Doesn't matter. Nothing changes. I hope you are ready, they will be here anytime now". He kept looking on. She could see that frustration and anger slowly rise inside him. And she stared back, daring him to raise his voice. She always stood up to him. Of late he had stopped letting his frustration show. "Too late" she thought. He lowered his eyes and got up to change. She left the room and a draft of cold air engulfed him. Rain in March! Her birthday, her love, she's leaving. Of all the things that he never fathomed about her, this was one. She tried but he could never reach her. They were just two very different people. It was not that cold, and he was always warm but he shivered as he pulled on the shirt. She had only left the room but the void in his heart grew. "Now I know what she talked about, each passing moment and more space. I deserve this". He heard the car downstairs and sighed. This was a part of the punishment, watching her smile, watching her have fun and never being the reason behind it. He didn't know that it was a bigger punishment for her than it was for him. For she always loved more.

Words bring me peace. There is some tranquil quality about them which has me hooked! There have been times when i've been away from writing. I've faced blanks whenever i thought of writing something. I've been at a loss of inspiration, always having found it in something or someone outside of me. This coupled with the terrible emotional upheaval i was going through, still am, there was no outlet to how i was feeling. It was a cycle of pushing away that little peace that i could've had and so pushing it away further! There have been times when i've sucked at what i've written, but then when your feeling crap inside with no outside help crap is what is going to be written, or so i thought. Though i've written quite well when i've been in turbulent times, again, or so i thought! ;) :P Maybe confusion creates crappy writing. Anyway thats besides the point. So yes, i manage to communicate quite well in the written word. At times i find it difficult to communicate with fellow beings around me. Or maybe its the connect thats missing. So here when i say words better than actions, it would mean written against oral. At times i feel writing it down would explain things better, or that there is no need to talk so much! But other people have different views on what it means to communicate. Yes words and voice both are important for effective communication. Perhaps the sound of someone's voice, or the fact that the person has taken the effort to use his/her voice, makes you connect to them. It does feel nice when people do talk to you doesn't it? Then why not return the favor? Though it seldom happens that a voice has as intense an effect as written words most definitely will! :D
Now coming to words better than actions in terms of promises and acting on them. Well both. If you are going to take time to "act" on something the you got to talk about it. If you have talked about it then you better act on it, and if you can't then you need to talk again! Talk = written/oral! Phew. If someone specifically asks you not to then maybe don't, but it rarely happens that people don't want to hear stuff. Unless its really against their liking.
So well.. I love words, yes, and love actions too! A combination of both is lethal and rare and you would most likely than not be the most charming prince around! :P :D no wonder i haven't met mine yet.. ;) :)

She prays for rain..
She prays for a storm..
As the one inside her rages..
Its a parched dry one, a tornado more than a storm..
It throws itself out time and again..
She picks up and destroys everything in her path
There is not a drop of water, cracked lips and a scorched heart..
She rages. She screams her inflamed lungs out..
Her throat tears and blood fills the deprived, inflicted eyes..
Desolate, un-bearing the vast expanse now barren within..
Empty sockets unceasingly search for a storm..
Fill her and drown her once and for all..

So. I've been asked many times to just forget things. Usually the painful stuff that happens, which apparently is no one's mistake. Even though i can give exact proof that i was indeed someone's mistake. However, that point aside, sometimes we do need to just forget somethings in order to move on or to stop feeling miserable. I think it is very much possible to just completely forget something if we really want to and make that decision absolute. By absolute i mean that we don't leave even a minuscule desire to remember it. There are somethings that i have forgotten that way.
Another thing is concentration. Have you ever just concentrated on one thing with your eyes? I have experienced this before but recently while waiting at a traffic signal i was just looking at the signal and for a long time without blinking, as if in a trance and things around it slowly started blacking out.. All i could see was the signal and nothing around it. Then the signal started blacking out and i had to blink! That made me think a little bit. So many times we hear people advising us to concentrate on the positive qualities of people. I never could think of it. I used to think but all the qualities make the person so why concentrate on the good only! Well it depends. Depends on if you want the person in your life and in what way if you do. If you really want that person in your life, if you know that there are lots of good positive qualities in him which are important, if you want a strong healthy relationship but if some minor negative ones are coming in way then you this concentration on good will help. Combined with the forgetting exercise.
If you don't think about whats negative and you keep looking at positive then you will see only positive! However it also makes me wonder if I'm talking about denial here? Denial that the person has negative points? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you can still be aware that certain qualities are there which puts you on the guard. I guess we can twist and modify the combination of concentration and forgetting at the level that we want.. Why not give it a try? ;) Its always good to make yourself feel better if the other person can't change themselves right? Give it a try I'd say :) Let the bad things blackout, who knows they might really stop existing? After all the world is all an illusion ;)

You GOT to read this!! https://rutugole.wordpress.com/2015/03/12/my-black-dog-me/

This post would be my perspective/opinion for the above blog.

There still are people who don't understand that depression is as natural as any other state a living being can be in! Like anger or happiness or love! Its a state, a feeling. Whats there to not accept in it? Duhh.. Its like you are trying to pick and choose from a whole gamut of "features" you are born with! You can't pick and choose its all there inside you. Some may experience it some may not, for some it might just be a dull thud somewhere deep inside.Ways of dealing with it maybe different, but why not accept it and deal with it? Why act as if nothing of this sort exists?
For me depression has been there for a while. I always knew it. I never sought professional help since I know that the answers and solutions lie inside me. I even know what I need to do, but maybe I'm just being lazy. Maybe i even like feel certain things. I've said to some people that crying is as much a part of life as is laughing. Denial is a waste of time. Though i do accept that denial exists, I've never been in it. I may choose to hope positively that somethings will change, but denial it is not! I think the good thing about my depression is knowing exactly what it is, where it stems from and what needs to be done.
There are phases where I love to overcome it and be triumphant and then there are phases when i voluntarily go back. People don't seem to understand this and insist i take help! They are right too, since they care for me they can't see me in the hell that i put myself through. But i feel i need it. It is almost like a conscious unconscious choice for me! LOL! I have tried sharing this with people but they seem to be on a different plane where life needs to be all smiling and happy all the time. There are times when i am at a loss about what i can do to get out of this phase of this state. But then i come around and get bored. The solution inside me gets out on its own then! :) :D I'm already feeling excited about this thing. Yes talking does help. I mostly talk to myself from all angles. I find it too taxing to talk to someone new about all this cause there is too much and i might miss telling some small detail which is very important! So I become my own therapist.. I feel sorry for the people around me who have to bear the consequences of my antics and the expectations I put on them when I'm in one of my states! But thats life isn't it, it can't be all rosy for all of you either ;) :P :D
Think about it, talk about it, and find your own way of dealing with it. Be it therapy medication anything. The important thing is knowing yourself! What you show to the world or what people think of you doesn't matter as long as you know yourself and what your actions mean, to you and whoever else you want.
Depression exists and its not big deal. Just understand it and then decide where you want to be with it! :)
This indeed is a coming out for me.. :) Thanks R for writing that post! :)

Ah yes! He's here yet again. And again i write, i will keep writing till the end of days, every time he comes, i think. Its just that i get sooo excited when i see those clouds hovering over! Its reassuring in a way, its exciting! The darkened skies at an hour unimaginable. The general coolness in the weather.. Sigh... It evens everyone and everything.. There is general excited buzz about and im filled with some strange energy. Its just so YAY!! :D :D i would always be found grinned ear to ear when there is rain in the air! :D I LOVE YOU!! so much i can't even write enough! It fills me up to the brim.. Lovely, sweet, dark, clear, fresh, intenseeeee rain! my love.. muaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! drench me please would you with a dash of goosebumps please.. :)

PS- I just noticed this is going to be my 405th post, the previous one was 404th ;) :D #ITmuch hehe

BP- la la la la laaaaa *goofing off in the downpour*
CP- ya ITian ppfftt.. go get home and out and about!

What defines moral responsibility? I don't think there is any framework or any fixed rules for it. For me whatever you can do to help others and to make the world a better place falls under moral responsibility. What does ownership mean? Does it mean only caring for the things you have bought or which you really own? I think not. Any place where you are present or utilizing becomes our responsibility for atleast that point of time.
This post has finally come forth from numerous times in the company washroom and other places which people use and trash. Today I saw a bottle of hand-wash spilled over near the washbasin. Now whoever must've spilled it couldn't simply pick it back up and keep it upright? How much time does it take? A second or two? No one is asking you to clean up the mess but you can atleast undo your own action let alone do something more for the environment/surroundings. It applies to sooo many things! The house keeping staff isn't your slave and you are not kings and queens. They are here to help you out not do your bidding. How can people just act ask if they can get away with anything? Or do they just lack the sensibility of knowing this? I was taught since i was a kid to not throw things around. Hell, we didn't even need to be told twice! Once we saw garbage pilling up around we knew what we are doing might add to it. Do people lack the basic distinction in good and bad or they just like garbage? Or do they think its not their responsibility? How can they not pitch in and do their duty? How can they not know it is their duty? It just pissed me off! So many times i've done something which should've already been done! Be it pick up hand-wash bottles or flush a soiled toilet! What is there to feel degraded about keeping your surroundings clean? Its something to be proud of infact that you have ownership of your environment and you are doing something to make it better! Please open your eyes and minds! Its ours all of this. Keep it clean and take care!!

Oh dear.. The rain! My love forever.. So many words written about him and yet its not enough.. Every single time not matter when he pours I'm his.. People curse the untimely rain. I understand its not a good thing and the whole ecological imbalance etc. which is the doing of the same people that curse it, but i don't care. I love it. This weekend was our birthday celebration right when the rain started pouring. The whole day my mood was uplifted seeing all those clouds around. In the morning i saw a wisp pass over the sun and hoped against hope that there would be more of them around.. And voila! The sky was filled with clouds in no time!! Then by afternoon i found myself wondering if it would rain. Though i didn't really pray for it, since i knew it would really put off my best friend! Specially on that day when it was all about getting dressed up looking our best and chilling out all night! So i didn't pursue it further. As the afternoon progressed the clouds grew denser filling me with child like delight ad eventually started pouring! I was besides myself with joy.. Eventually we all managed to reach the venue on time and had a blast without much issues.. This one is added to the list of best birthdays i had till date. :) Thanks to all involved..
The rain and after effects take me back to a similar time 5 years back! Its the same feeling.. This rain and summer has me throws of nostalgia.. Its just beautiful.. Its taking me back lovely places back in time and very strongly.. Be it me newly starting to work, be it moments shared with special people and the way i felt, be it trips to Mumbai and that feeling.. Oh god its all so lovely!! And its been a while since i felt this way..
Though there is a hanging burden of some important decisions i still need to take, this time and solace, this relief that this untimely rain has brought is more than welcome. It was required.. As it always is! :) Thank you.. Love you "Always" :)

When do we become dependent and independent? Is it a matter of choice or is it not? Is it conditioning? I usually end up blaming everything on conditioning, shaping of something/someone is what is going to define how its going to work.. Perhaps, perhaps not. We being human have a choice since we have something called as an advanced brain which can think. But how many of us really do choose? How many of us break free of our habits? Habits which cause us pain or inconvenience? How many of us are even aware that we are slaves to these habits?
I used to be independent.. Though i had a desire to be dependent maybe for some things, to be able to experience somethings.. I never got it. However looks like somewhere, over this long period of time from teenage till late twenties, i became dependent on the whole idea of having someone to depend on. It feels like an extra growth on the inside of my head which needs to be urgently cut off. My independence is my identity. That is what made me love myself and in turn the people around! Though i never got that one dream fulfilled i had myself and i had hope and dreams.. Its time to shed the cloak of dependence and do things for ourselves. Eventually only cause you have a dream doesn't mean people are going to fulfill it even if they love you and say that they will make your dreams come true! I wish they never said such things cause fools like me end up believing and trusting and getting hurt then when they never do anything.
If your way of loving someone if different from their way of loving you then say it! Don't lead the other person on cause it causes immense hurt and then love etc seems like a fake facade..
Here's to independence! On the pseudo eve of my birthday.. Here's to being re-born and breaking free.. Here's to liberation from habit and conditioning.. Here's to being myself!! :) :) Cheers!! :) :)

Saw one of these cars again today. You know the ones from driving schools. People struggling to learn to drive. They have these signs put up all over the car warning others that the driver is learning. Why do they do it? Why do they put up the signs? Even after the signs are put other still curse and yell the the poor learner when he stops in the middle of the road or makes some mistake. Maybe some people are more tolerant or smart to understand not to go very close that vehicle. However even after getting out from that car and into their own car some people end up making the same mistakes or perhaps new ones, but they do make mistakes while driving. Even when they have learnt it!
It made me think maybe even us humans should have tags like this pinned to our foreheads. "Liver is learning to live". Because no matter how many years you have lived, no one here is a pro at it! Though perhaps some people have devised a strategy, we don't even understand when such people come and zoom by us poor folk grappling with day to day living.. Maybe if we have tags people will know if we make mistakes. Since everyone makes mistakes. Even if you take the tag off you will still make mistakes maybe lesser.. But like the road life too is unpredictable isn't it? So do we ever really learn it all to remove the tag? We keep learning, yes, always.. Learning to live..

Summer!! Its here again.. Many people get surprised at my love for summer as well as monsoons! I love both of them equally.. and well winter too! They are here for a reason and i enjoy every bit of them. If you feel hot do something about it yourself. I'd rather enjoy all the things that come in tow! :D
Its as if summer wakes everyone up. Everything around feels alive, jumping with life.. After a winter where everything freezes and hibernates, summer brings food and life.. In India exams and vacations! I love the summer breeze.. a it has a typicality to it as if a harbinger of something exciting! :D Oh yes i love summer! The mornings, all the people out and about, the dirt the sweat, the cursing at times, the whole life of it all. Even our blood is alive.. It brings out the desire to do something! Be it stay indoors or go out and explore random stuff.. Meeting people, just doing anything! You can't stay still in summer.. Its a season of activity.. Maybe thats why i love it.. Also monsoon follows soon after.. But thats another matter.. The sun is here in all his glory.. Summer has begun.. Yellow, bright, life, joy, activity, fun!! Thats the spirit of summer.. I love you!! :D :)

Yes oh yes.. The please and high a full head and multi-tasking gives is unbeatable by anything else!! Finally after these many months of idleness the mind is full with things to do.. Empty mind is the devil's workshop couldn't be more applicable to me.. And the devil is finally beaten. Don't know for how long, but enjoying this phase as long as it lasts, hoping that the idle phase wouldn't return for long and even if it does it won't be as long as the previous one!
So here's to work. May all of us have our hands full and keep the emptiness devil at bay! Cheers! :)

Oh I'm a stalker alright. LOL. Even saying it gives me tingles! I guess i've been it for a while. And no shame whatsoever obviously! I don't think there is anything wrong with stalking as long as you are not hurting anyone. For me stalking arises out of the need to know. Which in turn arises out of people's habit to lie blatantly. My recent forays into the world wide web, as i tried to get a grasp of things, perhaps seeking validation, brought to fore somethings about people from my past (and thankfully so- in the past). I realized how similar some people are to me. on the same side they are also waaaaay too pretentious. Being bold and just plain dumb might seem similar but they aren't. Wanting to seek validation by saying it and then waiting acceptance and praise by displaying pretentious actions are waaay too different things. And hence no these people are not similar to me. Thank god!
But stalking is fun. You never know what you will run into! It maybe nice or ugly. Mostly it is ugly and enough evidence for my theories, which are almost always right! Why people lie is beyond me. Anyway the truth always outs itself, and denial well is a waste of time! :) :D
I love realizations!! Feeling much better already.. yoo hoo!!

CP- whaaat! stalker! :/
BP- yo dude, what you seeing? what you sees? saw? see-saw? huh?? you see what i saw?
CP- no one is going to stalk you ever. Do you stalk me? :O
BP- that yellow little butterfly, fly, fly, fly... *wanders away amazed by the butter-fly* :P

I missssss travelling. It is liberating. Travelling for work or just aimlessly. Honeymoon afterthoughts- it was more of a tour and should've been planned a bit differently. More leisure time was required than the running around! :D Or maybe i just need a trip for being quiet. Again repeating the same thing from the previous posts. Another of the recently occurred incidences is the dissolving of our unit at work, sold off etc. It just created a feeling of melancholy of people going away. We put so much of ourselves into the work work do that when it is taken away from us, and it always is, it creates a sort of huge gaping hole in us. And then filling it up with something else takes time. i guess thats that phase i'm going through. The process of filling up gaps. It includes the holes created after reading a book! Hell thats one critical hole. Though after a book is over, we can savor its flavor for sometime and then move on into reality. Well i just need things to fill up my time and my mind.. And there are things so readily available and being offered. Thanks to the lovely person who is besides me all the time.. :) Willing to do anything for my smile.. Yes some decisions i took were right. Men take time to understand things that are natural to women, when you explain they understand and if they will they will definitely act on them. But there are some who refuse to understand because they don't wish to act on them. Thankfully I've got the former! I don't know if this is some kind of validation or self-assurance thing im writing about. Maybe it just helps me to understand everything happening with me and around me a little better. Since everything is NEW! :S at work at home, phew! There should be a lot happening but there is a curious lack of activity. I feel lethargic. I need to get out of this stupid cocoon and get on with it. and that i will! i wonder if everyone goes through these phases. I guess they do. Well anyway, bored i am already. Until next rambling. see ya! :P :D

Sigh! I don't know why I'm forever looking back! Past couple of year have been a whirlwind or activity, mental more than anything. Somehow I haven't been writing much and it keeps striking at me. Writing used to just spurt out. It used to be a release and more than that a companion. I look back cause there are some things which still remain un-reconciled (if that's even a word). The time alone which i required, i got, but somehow i ended up thinking about what im doing in that moment and what i will be doing ahead! Everything seems like a mess up there with un-coherent thoughts and images. The decomposition isn't happening as it should or how it used to. Could it be age? I doubt, after all the mind is more powerful than the body. Perhaps its just things which i had foretold happened that way and i didn't want them to. But like i said the power of the mind!! Things which happened including heartbreaks (well yeah, still!) and unwanted decisions taken knowingly or unknowingly, blindly trusting because i don't know any other way to trust, it always is blind initially when it comes to people, having the trust broken, all this seems to have taken its toll on some part of the brain. The lease i wanted was for it to take its toll on my words!
Somewhere i feel like i've going deeper inside me. The spirit to communicate to exclaim has got somewhat subdued. Ah heck! I no likes this!! It will come back I'm sure of it cause the atom can't stand calm for long! :D What helps is having a supportive company, families (now that i have two! :D) and friends (as always). They have been tolerant and supportive no matter what i did! Including the extended family. They are OK with whatever i do as long as it makes me happy! This reminds me of someone i once so called dated. It was a passionate affair and lasted for almost 4 years (my longest! ;)). It was love i would say. It was the end of everything else for me, and i thought it was the same for him. But sadly it wasn't for him. And after a long period of waiting and holding on i eventually saw that it wasn't going to go ahead the way i had thought it would, cause in his words "it takes two to tango" and since he wasn't much interested in making it work thought he tried to show otherwise, i had to harshly end it. Causing myself a lot of hurt, and the pain of not getting a proper closure. Three years was a long span for me specially when we were so intertwined. It left a deep wound, its healed now, but there is still a faint scar. Now each time we interact, it seems as if that reality which i had buried deep into me, that person whom i had loved back then with all i had, wasn't perhaps real. It was maybe all in my head, led on by him. I acted like i had warned him i would. Had he wanted to make things work he would've read the signs or atleast paid heed to my words and actions, but none of it happened. Thats what hurts me the most maybe. That even after having repeatedly warned him, he let my prediction come true.
Though, i never foretold what happens next after i take certain steps. I did only a little bit of which also has already come true. But the rest of my life is still remaining. How much ever its going to be! The decision to move on was not made, and hence not acted upon. It just happened haphazardly, like this post, and hence its not cut and dried properly. Some parts are still poking out jagged edges. To add to it something totally unexpected and hurtful happened yet again. Which has left me wondering if its really worth trusting anyone, and how does it matter if they do break your trust. Somewhere I've started to lose faith in this whole relationship and love and society and humanity concept. I always believe that if a person knows what they want and they do it then its alright no matter what they do, as long as its not hurting others, or if eventually that person is not going to be happy if they don't do it. Breaking someone'e trust and lying to someone about something that concerns them doesn't fall into that category.
So the question is about my faith. Do i keep giving blindly without expecting anything? Do i still feel like doing something for someone else? Frankly i don't anymore. And thats so not me! I was someone who derived immense pleasure out of giving, doing stuff for people, doing things that made them smile. Acceptance, therein lied my joy, my satisfaction. I needed someone to keep me on my toes all the time so that i wouldn't get bored. And thats what i did get and still am! However, now things are just a lottt subdued, maybe it happens when you enter a certain phase in your relationship where you know you have each other. Though now when i think what would i feel or do if there is someone else? Perhaps i wouldn't care, perhaps i would explode. Its all just so confusing. That even writing about it doesn't help.
Enough of looking back i would like to say. But there are bits and pieces lying there which i need to pick up. I've left some parts of me back there which are essential for my being, for my spirit. Things have happened way too fast in the past year or two, and i just haven't been able to get a grip on myself.
Though I'm sure my choices are good for a variety of reason. Could i have done better? Definitely! Much better. But i just chose one course of action and will stick to it for as long as i can. Maybe this stability is cause a disruption for me. Maybe it is something else. Who knows!
So many words and still nothing! haha.. Feel like continuing to write but its going to be a repeat of the same. There is a barrier which i need to break. But so far i have not been able to see it or figure it out, i can only feel it, but its still quite abstract. Anyhow, the need to look back seems to be slowly reducing, though im not a different person from who i was, maybe a little bit, but my spirit is still the same. Its just wounded a little bit, but it will be back up, soon. Cause if its not that, then its not me. And i love being me! :) :D

After going through life non-stop, taking whatever it offers you without thinking again, just throwing yourself into whatever you have at hand, when a sudden lag comes about.. When an eerie sort of quiet falls over your ears.. Not due to the lack of noise around, but due to the quietening of this constant buzzing in your head. Its not peace. In no way is it peaceful. Its more unnerving and scary.. Its restless. Not that I've never been restless but that always has been cause i knew what i wanted and cause i was trying to work towards it. At times like these, i don't know if i've had this before though, i'm left dumbstruck. Having done all sorts of things, good, bad, things i never thought i would, raging around, fighting, yelling, being crazy, being in love, being loved, being just about everything and everyone, now this sudden lack of activity is intimidating! Am i someone who is scared of quiet? Definitely not! But this is not of my own doing. It is the "situation" that has forced this quiet inside me! Its not even inside me actually. Its wanting to go inside. Everything outside of work seems to go in a perfect tandem like its supposed to for someone at the stage i am in life. I need to have multiple things buzzing at my head to keep me going. That's my poison. I "NEED" to multitask!
This quiet makes me look back at things. Things i've looked back at so many times. But now those things make me look at myself. I'm left craving for things.. Things from my early years.. Like the quiet in the afternoons when the city wasn't a cement jungle.. When people used to close shops in the afternoon and have a siesta. When we used to visit relatives in the city and it used to feel far off! I miss sitting in a temple porch in some village listening to the natives' lazy banter. I miss so many simple things in life.. Which are not there anymore.. Just about.. I hate this modernization as much as i love it. It makes me wish i was born earlier. It keeps me longing for something deep inside me which i can't fathom!
It is time to reconcile with myself it seems. Its time to get out in the open again. To take a leap of faith. To risk it all once more. I feel like a slave bound to a master only cause i'm getting all i need for living.. But am i alive? The question is haunting me each moment. I feel like running away right this moment! A small break, a vacation is not going to do it for me. It is lack of activity yes. But its not the lack of an extra activity, its about who i am and who i want to be! Its about what i love and enjoy doing!
Writing here after ages, and now i know why! :) My dear unstable atom, you are the most stable trustworthy friend ever! Thank you! :* :)

Cheers all! Until next time, whenever that will be, hopefully soon..

CP- Go girl, do what makes you happy, we are with you
BP- Yo! Where you huh?
No go, no come, no see, no do? huh?
CP- where have you been now?
BP- HAIR! i've been hair all the time nooo.. :D :D :P :P ehehha!! lauu youss boths!
CP- yeah well.