The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

There are times, not too often that i watch some talk shows. Today being one such day. I just happened to stumble upon this one episode of The Front Row with Aishwarya Rai. I don't know why i decided to go ahead n watch it, not being all that interested in her. Maybe just for the heck of it. But happened to love it! It made me think so much about the new relationships i'm welcoming in life! I found a lot of similarity being a newly married old couple, as well as the way she defines her husband. Sometimes you tend to understand things about people which are deep inside. At times even the ones close to you may not understand your decisions, may not see the person you have chosen for who he/she really is! And i'm glad i realise this now..
It has indeed made me look at her in a different light. Somehow it makes me feel much better about myself. There are so many negatives i've been worried about since quite sometime.. Also have been worried about having lost a mentor. Just realising now that there is so much more life.. And that mentors come in all shapes and sizes if not just the one! :)

Take a look if at all you are interested TFR :) :)

Oh yes. Thats right. What do you say when someone asks whose there? You say its me! I've been lost and confused many times. And in being lost and confused and finding my way out is being myself. Rather that what life is i believe. However there are moments of realisation, about life, love, yourself, another person, relationships anything.. I had some moments before, but this one is quite special.
I've written about people. MANY people, love interests mostly. This blog itself was formed to try to find myself when i was betrayed in one of the most classic of ways by a guy. But then the blog became a part of me. It really helped me to find myself. I won't say i have accomplished the feat but nonetheless the blog is a constant reminder of who i am.
Recently somethings happened which were quite against my nature. Rather against something i believed myself to be. I thought i would have to change, that i can't be myself any more it crushed me. People told me thats how its meant to be, you have to change somethings so on an so forth, like people always tell, like someone pays them to tell you things! Duhhh! irritating. Anyway.. So i was thinking about things which mean so much to me. Things which are so dear to me, my thoughts, actions everything defines me, the person i am. How can i change myself and for what? i was feeling pressurised and thought i couldn't go ahead. the only person i could think of sharing it with thankfully was the same person closely involved in all this!
What happened next, won't delve into the details now, made me i believe that even after all trials and tribulations in life, it does need a lot of luck to find someone who beyond everything lets you be yourself! Who infact urges you to be yourself! That was all i could ask for.. Someone who makes it such joy to say it is me! This is me, i don't have to and i won't change only cause the so called society needs me to act in a certain way. And it is such a huge deal that you are supported and accepted fully as you are by the one you love! Thank you for being you and being with me.. :) What is this if not love? :)

She's full to the brim.
Eager, her breasts swollen,
Bursting with love to offer..
He waits patiently,
Never hurrying her..
He knows his love will melt her.
She's almost there.
He waits.
Holding her,
Through her tantrums and curses,
Hurled at him for no reason at all.
He stood waiting patiently,
Watching her as she went around in circles..
He saw her all the time
A faint smile playing his lips at some times
And a grave grimace the others..
His love is quiet, serene..
Her's is wild, untamed, crazy..
He needed her more than she him..
And yet their actions were opposite..
She tugged at his heart..
Tried to tear it apart,
With daggers of mean cruel questions meant to break him..
She looked to him for answers to her hurt in the past..
He had none, or perhaps some..
She wanted to pour..
Like the crazy whirlwind she was..
Always had been..
And then she did..
He welcomed her with wide open arms..
Plunging in her depths..
The warmth took him by surprise and he smiled
The smile which spoke volumes, the smile that spoke of love and something much more than that..
She poured and poured, drown him in only one thing she knew how to do..
And then she stayed..
Lying besides him for an eternity.
He kept looking at her
At her closed eyes
At her satisfied smile, knowing he was the reason behind it..
A quiet smile and a silent tear slips him and he keeps looking still..
Wondering in awe..
She is his lover, his child, his mother, his friend..
She is his.
There is a blossom out there..
A blossom that just saw the light of the day
And the water of the dew..

She knew this would happen. She always knew she was right. She told him. She told herself and yet she did it. Over and over again. He didn't listen, or maybe he did but he didn't act, perhaps he could. And so she did it. She cut herself. She drowned. She burned. In hope that she wouldn't recognise herself after all this. But he was etched too deep inside. In her very skin. She could forget herself but him? The intensity of their love was too much. It had burned a gaping hole in her soul when she had tried to grope him out of with her filthy nails. Her nails filthy from all the crying, all the cursing all the yelling, all the writhing around in pain digging at her heart.. Her heart was frayed and stuck in her nails along with her hair. Oh such filth! She thought she could do it. She knew she would against her will. Yet she found love again. But it wasnt the same, it wasn't meant to be. It was flawed. But so were they back then.
This flaw was a bit different, this flaw was not meant to be tended to. It should've been uprooted or maybe not. It can't be, it shouldn't be. It wasn't a flaw. She knew this would happen. That she would be lost and confused again. That maybe she would never be the same again. She kept looking back. It poured down on her now, the rain. Merciless or maybe it was trying to soothe her. Trying to give some sort of reassurance. Trying to cuddle her. The warmth which always refused to belong to her. Which would never now belong to her.
She was a woman. A woman alone. She was accepted and yet she was alone. They both were alone. She more than him. Cause he had her. She would always be with him beyond death. As for her he was alive but not her's, he never was. She was never meant to be two maybe. She was meant to be a wandered a vagabond, a dusky gypsy holding mysteries from her past, unhealed wounds helping her get on with yet another day. She was meant to be a refuge for those struggling in their paths. A pond to drink at, rest and leave behind. Yet he had made her feel she was a meadow by herself, his home. Only to be left back time and again.
She has fallen in love again, as if she can help it. And it hurts. Its not fair. When was it ever fair. There are words and there are actions as well now but its just not enough. The hungry gaping vacuum in her heart asks for more, its an endless pit, and she fears for him. Though she needn't cause he is not her's! He will never be. Oh such irony. He gives whatever is left with him, whatever he can spare left from his true love. Its always been scraps for her. People dropping unwanted pennies in her belly.
She looks at him tries to descipher and she can see her.. The places she craved were taken- always, just like this one. There is no turning back. There is no healing only a wait.. A wait for the eternal, when she can leave him to her.. He is in her care till he can be ready for the final journey to his love..
She sits back and looks on to the falling rain, after a storm of tears has passed, yet again, back at a time when there was a little girl.. Naive, true, pure, hopeful, dreamy..

There are many things.. So many.. So many dreams..
All come together since childhood..
Woven together slowly over days and stages of life..
With the fabric of belief
Dark as the night, dotten with bright stars, millions of them!
The dreams fall in drapes into so many "i always wanted.."
Bright eyes and a hopeful heart
They have a college romance,
A bike ride drenched in rain,
Skipping classes,
The first touch, a flurry of finger tips and soft lips..
A stolen hug..
The sharing of a special something, a secret
Sweet nothings through the corridors,
A lonely night not so alone,
A belongingness, a possession
A someone, true with all their hearts
Through festivals and sorrows..
A hand to hold, a hug to cry into..
Eyes to hold their laughter, a heart to love and care for as their own..
Oo they got that, thats what she always wanted
She sees hope again and got back afresh..
Then she waits, heart break after heart break, she will wait..
Running behind the smoke on water
Healing hurting and yet healing..
Craving those little things she always wanted..
From people who never understand,
She picks up their pain n makes it hers..
She loves so much that it hurts her,
And as if it wasn't enough they hurt her too..
She kept dreaming, believing, hoping.. and eventually praying..
But it burned the cloak she wove, adored and wore every single day
It faded.. Taking all the i always wanted's with it
Until they remained just that wishes, dreams..
Dark wisps of smoke on water..
Disappearing.. A faded fabric of hope forgotten at the bottom of her treasure chest, locked away..
Buried in her past inside her
The little petal saved in a romantic book long forgotten.. Marking a page that defined her dreams
Aeons later she found love again..
Their pain from their past was her's now.. Again..
But what is this sudden pain.. The incessant pinpricks behind her eyes remind her of something from another lifetime..
The cloak pokes her.. It is faded, thin and light like the morning air, dotted with dried blood from her years of suppressing
"Thats what i always wanted" it whispers..
"I wish we had it.."
But what is this pain she asks..
Well, it never left..

There are so many things that pass my mind every single day every single moment. I wonder how i manage to go on with all my daily activities sometimes. It reduced quite a bit though these days. The stress. The stress that i underwent in that one relationship is enough for me to last a lifetime along with being one of the most beautiful things. But i think the more beautiful it is if it ends its equally horrid. The worst part is when the relationship ends cause of loss of trust. Thats exactly what happened with me. I won't blame him or anything. But the trust was lost. Even now when i think back to it wondering if i could forgive him now, the answer is yes i forgive him but would i take him back? No, cause the trust is no more. And thats the most basic thing ever for any relationship. Maybe its my shortcoming that i can't trust him, but the fact remains. This came to my notice just as i was think of the things that i always wanted. Silly simple things or even big ones.. Things that i never got before n now that i have them i feel blessed. I think it happens for a reason. After all no matter how much you love a person and are willing to go to the world's end if that person is not reciprocating it ends up meaning nothing. We are humans after all. And yes, words of experience, you do get what you want! :)
Its nice to have someone you can trust, with all the reassurances you need, you demand and sometimes are given even without asking. Things which i craved and begged for are dropped in my lap without asking this time around.. Yes, things do happen for a reason and for that im thankful.
I Feel proud to belong to you.. more than happy or exicted thats how i feel. Cause its the way you make me feel.. The patience, the strength, the love, the care, the adoration, respect, belief that you shower upon me.. I couldn't have asked for more.. Thank you my love. Thank you for accepting me as your own.. sigh..

The post digressed a bit.. but there it is.. my heart out in the open yet again. Mixed emotions served in equally mixed words! haha.. thats what life is isn't it ;) :D yay

BP- yip blip mmlip clip dlip flip flop blop mop...
CP- GOd bless you my child
BP- *distracted* and then *excited* me? me? me? me?? oooo me? me? me?
CP- oh dear me, yes you too
BP- OOooo *dreamy* mmeeeee.....

:)

What is this Waari? Most of you non-Marathi folks might have this question. It is a holy pilgrimage. I would like to invite you to check out www.panoramaartstudio.com to get some answers. If not interested in the holy side of things, you can definitely check it out for the photos! Well that is our original aim.. The photography exhibition was held by Panorama Art Studio aided by Real Minds as a prelude to their drama shows in July. The exhibition was held to provide a platform for the budding talent that the city holds as well as to bring the traditions and culture of the city closer to its people through this medium.. I won't say any more.. You better check the website.. ;)
Any feedback can be mailed to : info@panoramaartstudio.com

Have fun!! :)

The rain will never mean anything or anyone else again. I always knew it and used to be happy about it, cause i never pictured it this way. It was always a happy ending for us. My rain and me. There was never to be anything else! There was no other possibility. Just togetherness. Living young and growing old together. Thats what it was, possibly even is. The city is alive with us just like it was many months back.. Through all the pain, all the fear, all the unknowns.. The rain is us.. No matter who gets drenched. The atom is herself deep under the layers of novelty, and just pouring from the eyes.. The eyes never lie and they never will.

Some words of a dear one HERE made me think, needless to say, about a very recent wound.. Which i know will not heal as quickly as i would hope it to, and hence needs to be covered up as much as possible. But such words just very cruelly rip off the band-aid and leave me unmentionably breathless and choked up with tears. Tears and pain for him who lost his love to death. And me for i lost someone to pain. What would i not do to unite those two lovers. I wish beyond my being to be able to do something to help him. To help the guy i am begining to spend me life with to meet his lover. I would give my life to bring her back. Life in return of a life. Its such a depressingly helpless feeling. When there was a time i was willing to give my life to be with the one i loved beyong anyone else and i was brushed aside time and again. What is this destiny? When two people who are capable of loving with such intensity are stuck with each other, away from the ones they once truly loved? Will anyone ever understand your action or you, when you decided to voluntarily walk away? When you know you are not capable of cutting people off, when you are capable of forgiving and giving other chances no matter how it batters your heart to do so. When you know you loved truly and purely with your whole being.
Maybe this is what i was meant to have. But he had it already so it doesn't help but makes me feel more criminal that i have him now. Its beautifully painful. She will always be in his heart and i will protect her place there with all my might. I love her as much now.. For she gave him that pure joy once that i too gave away to someone else. I'm glad he had her. Wish we had met sooner. Before all the damage was done to both. Thinking back maybe that is what brought us together. We are levelled. Eclipsed by life. But the sun will come out. Slowly. It can't stay hidden.

Here's to you both.. You are always in our hearts. Protected by each other. She is by me and he is by him. We love you. Alive or dead. "Always" like we promised.

The trees r quiet today.. They r quiet this time around..
They know he's taking time n dnt want to scare him off..
He's coming slowly taking his time..
Quietly..
Subdued
As his anger fumes..
She knows too.. But she did what needed doing..
She knows he will understand..
Love never changes, let alone die..
The tree stand serenely sadly hopefully.. Heads hung low.. Not moving a leaf and he drizzles a bit here n there.
He wants to pour.. rampantly to kingdom come..
He wants to vent... To take her with all he has..
But he won't n it kills him..
Eventually he will pour.. Coz he owes her that.. He's late this time..
His heart is not in it..
Have they drifted apart?
Can they?
The eternal lovers...
Their calling has linked them across ages. Across births..
They will stay.. Forever..
He is her's n she his.. :)
Rain n earth forever together.. Whether they want it or not. Their spirits r meshed together.. Even if he decides not to pour..
Even if she decides not to let him in..
They stay..