The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

I laugh aloud almost as i write this! haha.. in the words of someone once very important in like "irrcorrigible" not sure i spelled that right. Anyhow. It all seems soooo strange and lovely and painful and beautiful and peaceful at the same time! As usual mixed emotions and mood swings never leave me.. i don't think they ever will, and i love it too (at times). Back to the post.. hehe.. Looking back.. Life has changed soooo much in the past 8 months.. I could've never imagined! Never imagined that something normal could happen for me and that it could bring happiness.. Of all the things i wanted this would also happen for me.. It is beautiful yes and normal..
I questioned myself a few times is this me? I'm not this.. Rather i wasn't this.. and perhaps a part of me never will be.. That crazy part of me is still alive.. a bit confined now, i guess with age and the need for stability it had to be.. But it is alive and thriving..
Normal was never my genre.. and glad to re-discover this about myself.. :) *YAY*
But stepped down i have. Saw and experienced the joy in stability and knowing that when i wake up tomorrow that fear is not going to be around. Its not going to be around any day i wake up. The fear of loss. The fear i grappled with every day, almost every moment for more than 3 years.. It ate into my flesh and left marks.. It went bad the wound filled with pus.. The pain became numb and the numbness also hurt!
It was so much that i had to cut it off before i could stand back and take a good look at what my life had come to.
The wounds are healing slowly.. It will take time.. It was too deep.. A part of my very soul.. And it shall stay that way.. but the wounds will heal eventually.. Life has taken a turn for the better. Or so they will say.. Them normal people. And it does seem peaceful here.
Last year this time I would've never imagined all these things. When you give life a chance she surprises you beyond your dreams.. The joys of having so many people around who love you and are there for you without any personal or social restrictions and holdbacks. When you can just be yourself with them and in front of the whole wide world, and specially when they have no issues with it.. Its beautiful and more than that its peaceful.. Peace, something i craved for. Fighting nightmares and swollen eyes almost on a daily basis for a large part of past 4 years. For someone having craved for a tiny ray of hope of belief everyday and getting only pain and hopelessness, this is heaven..
So peeking back the year hasn't been the worse i had feared.. Its been better.. When you find love while being the deepest corner of dispair.. And when that love itself holds on and brings you out, thats something! :) The past shall be with me in a pleasant way.. You can never cut out love even when its bearers are no longer with you the way they used to be. Be thats all the place they get. A tiny corner tucked away safely. The time is missed.. a lot of things are.. But its time for something that i deserved a long time back. Peace, love, care, consideration, and priority. What else could i have asked for! :) *YAY* :D So peeking back makes me look ahead more.. and look forward to the present and future! Cheers!

BP- HUH? are you looking forward to the past or looking behind to the future?
yo makin me crazy gurrrll
CP- Shush! *frown* quiet now.
BP- OH yeaaaah as if you understand it no? big brains! :P yaaabbaaa daaabbaaa doooo :P :D *crazy dance*
CP- *straight face* haha! *LOL* :D :) i love you BO no matter what!
BP- yeah i believe you! :* muaaah!!
CP - *Smile affectionately*
BP - *blink stupidly*

I love you both!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *YAY*

CP- *YAY*
BP- *still blinkly with a stupid grin*
CP- BPPPPP!!!
BP- oh *YAY* haha.. yeah whatever *dancing away*

oh man this can go on and on!!!!! see ya! :P :D ;) muaaaaaaaaaah!!