The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

We are all one.. In varying degrees of the ingredients we are all the same.. We all have everything that the other person has. Some parts are dormant while others dominating. Some times it takes a while to connect to some of these parts in others.. And some times its as if the other person is a reflection, a replica of you! Some people look similar, some think similarly and still others act similarly.
Even when we know this, it hits us with a jolt when we read something a perfect stranger has written about yet another stranger which exactly describes you! Its as if it was written for you. And then you look back at your life and wonder if that person had a same life, but the answer to that is no.. cause even if that person seems to be very close to how you are, that person has had a different story.. A completely different set of realities, experiences and dreams.. Who know perhaps like you that person was aching for something they didn't have? Even if they sounded happy, looked like a happy picture, perhaps they too had that sting somewhere inside? After all they were like you weren't they. And we all are same, aren't we?!
Out of the deep conditioning you have done on yourself for self-pity you think that those people got what they wanted. But then rationality makes you think, perhaps if those people were to look at you, they would think the same! Perhaps you have something they wanted too.. But it doesn't quite make you happy, does it? We crave for pain somewhere. We crave to crave for things. And in that we are all similar. Even people who call themselves saints, they crave for peace, they crave that something which no one else craves.

We resemble each other. In varying degrees we do. Our story has been written long time back. And in that there is a big difference. But we all at the root of it are same.. So all this judging business makes no sense whatsoever, so we tell ourselves and end up doing exactly that. In that too we are similar. But if we do want to do better we can possibly judge the degree of ingredients in everyone. To understand the levels and try to connect to those. Some are dormant and some dominant, but they are all there. We just need to find where! Maybe even they are not aware of it. And this is the recipe for perfect harmony. :)

It was after many days that i read someone who used to be a very important person in my life. It made me think of the same words approximately 3 years back. When promises were made and similar words were used. Over time things changed, they have an uncanny ability to specially when its pleasurable, and it stopped being all rosy. They say good relations are made by people who want to make it work. I believe its easy to fall in love but hanging on and working to make it work is the difficult part, and especially so when its just one person putting in everything into that relationship. Then i guess it ceases to be a relationship cause there is just one entity. So, I had stopped reading him cause it brought on only pain to see anything and everything to do with that person. There comes a time you have given in a hundred percent and perhaps more, and then it is just not possible to trust any more cause it has been hacked down to muck. The pain then turns into indifference and thats the death of love. Then no matter what the other person does to try and make it upto you, if at all they do, it just is not good enough cause it is too late. But then you realize after nosing around a bit, cause you had cared once upon a time, that the person doesn't care! That they have moved on, and it is a good thing too. It is liberating. You realize that the pain has only made you stronger to take life by its horns- (i believe at times that life is a big old cow just ramming you about :D other times she is a river and still other times a lot of other things! ;) )

Even though you feel at peace knowing the other person has moved on, there are moments of despair where you wonder if you would laugh again, or if its just tears and indifference for the rest of your life. Life decides to be a bit kinder just when all hope is lost, though not all in my case cause I'm the eternal painful fountain of hope more about it here (gah!)! Instead of a lemon it throws you some sweet lemonade!
Life gives you exactly what you need when you start feeling that you want life to leave you alone. She makes sure that you don't give on her!! When someone comes along, yes they always do don't they, who is just not willing to see you cry and makes sure that they stay by your side and make you smile and in this case laugh my lungs out! I had never ever thought that i would ever watch the movie- Gangs of Wasseypur let alone enjoy and LOVE the movie! And more over crave to watch the part 2 as well! The list of movies keeps growing.. Even somethings in Sarkar and an old crazy one called Gunda!! Just when i thought i was done with all my first times, here life comes running to correct me, to flood me with new experiences! Finding nuances in movies, and in everything around.. And just laughter.. So much of it that it hurts! There is no need for any societal tags, no restrictions, no possession, and yet its all there, unsaid, unwritten. They say its two hearts that decide the status of a relationship not the name/tags people give it. The reassurance and having someone around no matter what makes you start believing in hope again! Specially when reassurance and companionship was what was missing before. So yes life does do you dome good some times, sometimes in way of a quiet understanding smile and sometimes by ear splitting, tear inducing laughter!! The whole world now seems much brighter. I'm amazed at how someone has the strength to make life seem so much better even when they are harboring so much pain inside themselves. I hope will be able to take away some of that pain and add in to the mutual laughter! :) God bless you my chipmunk (aka bear) :*

It is a lone walk after all.. After all the illusions of all relationship fall away.. After the lights r out n d streets r empty.. It is a lone walk.. With a light breeze n memories for company.. The heart skips a beat sensing footfalls behind.. And wrenches as it is seeing the ever deserted street behind.. Waiting for a familiar shadow.. The shadow of a mischievous smile.. But there is No one to call you back.. And no one to make you stop.. It is a lone walk after all..

The long winding road.. Old trees stooping down with the weight of ages.. Emerald in their shining glory.. The fresh blades of grass dance around humoring the delicate morning sun.. Catching it in their gait And it shies away hiding behind summery clouds.. The long winding road harbours memories.. Sprouting here and there.. The bygones.. Haunting n pretty.. In all their ardour flash before the aged dusky eyes.. As he grasps her hand.. And her smile never wavering reassures him back.. Down the long winding road.. Would you like a walk? :)

The stars twinkled overhead.. And the world slowly started easing up around.. A little known touch became a little more familiar.. The sounds and smells alike.. The lack of need to trust... The lack of need to tag.. The freedom and yet the bondage.. The fear eased its grip a little more last night.. No guard to lower.. And yet layers to peel.. In a slow steady rhythm.. Time rushes past without a glimpse or a glance.. Held together with an undefinable strand bearing time's everlasting turmoil.. Underneath the stars.. The world eased its grip a little more..

It seems like aeons that i was alive.
It seems like life is stuck someplace in some limbo.
And yet not..
Some things are clear like never before, or are they?
The contradiction remains.. Always..
And it brings an amount of peace with it, cause it identifies me..
There is time, there is no pressure, there is just lots of time..
Free unencumbered time.. Unencumbered space..
Just to be with myself..
After struggling and after a lot of action, its time to rest peacefully..
To let the world rage around now..
While i just observe and let life happen..
However it wants to happen..
Its time to give life a chance.. To let it make its plans and for me to just follow..
It is time to lay back and enjoy the show..
To be picked by a random artist and perform with him for a bit..
And then go back to being the audience and watch life play..
Be entertained.. And act at times as life might demand..
To hunger for nothing.. To fight for nothing.. But alone time..
It is time.. to be inactive.. and yet let life make me act..

When you are a part of something huge, and then you are not. When your world revolves around someone and then it doesn't anymore. The shards of the past keep poking at your heart, and it keeps bleeding little by little like water flowing from a thin crack in the pot. You have been numbed by emotions so badly that nothing can be felt any more. You have been blamed for every wrong, when the only thing you did was to love and give. When you gave selfishly, so selfishly that no one else was allowed to give but you. The world passes by in a blur, daily, moment by moment. A blur of color, sound, memories and hopes.. Its all a bad confusion. But there is not desire to solve it. Because solving it would mean going back to the pain, letting go of peace. A desperate plea for help. A desperate desire to change. To not be yourself anymore and yet to be yourself cause you are not that bad altogether!
The numbness becomes your existence, and yet you are hit repeatedly at the same place, and it bleeds. The bleeding never stops, but you stop feeling anything, you are not aware that it is bleeding, you ignore it, cover it up. At times when the cover moves a bit you just sit quietly, serenely and smile as you watch the blood flow away from your body. The whole hurricane of extreme emotions seems to have passed. The intensity, the extremity was sucked and beaten out of you, and left to die, left to rot, and it obliged.
You look outside the window and see the bright sun streaming in.. Its beautiful outside, you feel renewed but empty. Like you always have been. You forget the point of living, and being there in that moment. Everything is stagnant now, stuck in this moment, every moment seems stuck even if its new. And yet it is moving. It is moving you somewhere, without your knowledge but with your consent. The numbness is welcome.
It is difficult to place this feeling, where there is no certainty and yet there is some. You know yourself better. You know exactly what decisions you took and why, you understand them better now. The pain is there but so is the numbness, which is a blessing. The numbness reminds you to be firm. Each shard in your heart reminds you why you need to be firm. And then you smile. Cause this is how it was meant to be. And if it was meant to be otherwise it would've been.

The clouds gather slowly, unnaturally, they seem to have lost their meaning, or their way.. Like i lost mine.. Getting carried away is my nature, which entails getting hurt. A friend recently told me to be indifferent, to stop giving importance to people, to stop letting myself get hurt and to never ever cry again "promise me" he said, to not give away so much, to be selfish.. It doesn't make sense to me. but it does to him.. he has locked away that part of his which corresponds to me. But i cannot, i cannot be like him and he doesn't want to let that part out because it causes pain. Which makes sense, it is what we call "practical". But i resent living a life where i suppress my feelings! I will express, i will indulge even if it hurts! I will stand back on my feet and keep looking. Cause that is how i am made. No matter the hurdles not matter the pain. Like cher says "You haven't seen the last of me".
I will eventually venture out, and i know that friend will eventually let out my bit in him too (god alone knows when! may be when i let in his bit).. but for now this numbness is all i want, its the only thing that's bringing me joy and peace.
It is healing.. Slowly getting me back to myself..

Where does a tormented soul go?
To the barman's luxury tavern
where lights play color
and the heavy bosoms play their tricks?

Does it go to a cheaply shady motel
where weed thrives
and get its lust fulfilled carnally?

Does it go instead to a serene hillock up a mountain
and lay at the feet of some priest?

Or does it just walk aimlessly amongst the forest and the thorns?
keep walking till its feet bleed?

Or does it stop rotted to that spot and vow to never go on again?

Does it keep looking no matter the hurdles and pain?

Where does it go after all, a tormented soul?
Does it ever look for peace again
or does it just lay motionless, indifferent?

What does a tormented soul do in the end?
is there ever an end?