The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Emily forever!! <3 :) :D

I'm that little person that you take out for the day
I'm that little person that laughs at everything you say
I'm that little person that you're so scared to see fly away
If you say something wrong and if you kiss her right away

And I'm as lovely as a summer's day
I'm as darling as the birds of May
And babe I quite enjoyed the kiss right away

I have that little something that makes you want to play around
I have that little something that you don't want to waste your time
I have that little something but boy I know what's on your mind
Oh my little darling I know how you want to spend your time

And I'm as lovely as a summer's day
I'm as darling as the birds of May
And babe I quite enjoyed the kiss right away

You have that little something that just sweeps me off my feet
You have that little something that makes my heart begin to beat
You have that little something oh boy I like the way you smile
It makes the whole world change it makes me feel like I can fly
You had that little something and now you're gone but I won't weep
'cause boy before you came I never felt that kind of heat

And I'm as lovely as a summer's day
I'm as darling as the birds of May
And babe how I enjoyed the kiss right away

I think this is something i desperately need to do. even jumping in a river if it will help. Its time for me to heal. Its time for me to call back my spirit. Its time to become whole within, with myself. :) :) i feel better already! Hope this story help whoever is reading as it has helped me.. Stories after all are parts of us traveling across mighty distances of geographies, ages, time, races and beliefs.. :)

Courtesy- StoryWeaver (

A true story and one of my favorites from all I ever posted on this page.
Sharing it again for those of you who have not scrolled down through all the treasures buried on the StoryWeaver page since its inception.
"Call back your spirit or die"
A true story told to Caroline Myss by a Navajo Native American:

David Chethlahe Paladin is a Navaho Indian living on a reservation in Arizona. David would laughingly say that his mother was a nun, and his father was a priest. It turns out his mother became pregnant by a visiting priest. She, in turn, decides to become a nursing nun and leaves her son in the care of the extended family of the tribe.

David and his cousin spend a great deal of time leaving the reservation and going into town. They drink a lot, and they think life is better in the white man’s world. The local constabulary is forever returning the boys to the reservation. By the time David is 13 years of age, he is an alcoholic.

David and his cousin decide that this time they are going to make it off the reservation – and they do. They find their way to California, wherein they lie about their ages and sign up for work with the Merchant Marines. During this time, David befriends another young man from Germany. He also begins drawing; some of his sketches include the eventual bunkers that the Japanese are building on the atolls in the Pacific Ocean.

World War II is declared. The US Army tells David that since he lied about his age with the Merchant Marines he has a choice. He can go to jail for a year or enlist in the army. David enlists. He is a teenager.

The army tells David as he is a Navaho, they are going to drop him behind enemy lines and use him as an information gatherer in their special services. David, using his native language, is to relay his findings to another Navaho in the army. Their language becomes a code that the Germans are unable to crack, much less decipher.

David is dropped behind enemy lines. Ultimately, he is captured and interrogated for information. The German officers find him useless and direct that he be sent to a death camp and executed as a spy.

Imagine, if you will, the scenes we all have invariably seen of the railroad station and the platform filled with lines of prisoners being pushed into box cars for transport to the camps.

Here is David. He is being pushed and shoved into a boxcar. There is German soldier behind him saying “{italic}Schnell, schnell{/italic}” (quick, quick). David stops, turns around and looks at the German soldier. It is his friend from the merchant ship. The friend recognizes David and ushers him to a different box car that will send David to Dachau.

In the barracks at Dachau, David sees an older man, a fellow prisoner, drop something. David bends down to retrieve it. The guard, who has witnessed this moment, asks David, “Are you the Christ?”

The guard, then, orders that David’s feet be nailed to the floor and that David stand there with his arms outstretched for three days like Christ on the cross. Every time David would falter and crumple the guards would hoist him up again.

In the middle of the night, someone would sneak in and cram raw, maggot-covered chicken innards into David’s mouth.

When the Allies open up this camp, they find David a mere shell of a man, weighing maybe 70 pounds, and speaking Russian*. They turn David over to the Russians. David later speaks English and gives his name, rank and serial number to the Russians who transfer him back to the US military.

David is sent to a VA hospital in Battle Creek Michigan where he spends the next 2 years in a coma. At the end of two years, his legs are encased in metal braces, similar to what polio patients used. David, a young man, maybe not even 21 years of age, is to be sent to a VA home for the rest of his life.

David asks if he can visit his family on the reservation. The answer is, “Of course.” David literally drags himself onto the reservation. He meets with the elders of tribe. They ask to hear his whole story. David tells them every horrible thing that he endured. He is full of anger, rage and hate.

The elders confer and tell David to meet them tomorrow at a designated point on the Little Colorado River. David agrees and at the appointed hour he arrives. One of the elders tethers a rope around his waist; others remove the braces from his legs. They hoist David up into the air and as they throw him into the raging current of the Little Colorado River, they say, “Chethlahe, call back your spirit or die. Call back your spirit or die.”

And, that, dear readers, is what I think healing is all about for each of us. It is calling home our energy; it is calling home our disenfranchised pieces and parts. It is reclaiming ourselves.

In David’s case, it was releasing all the rage and pain that coursed through his system. It was moving into a place of release, a release catalyzed by forgiveness that allowed him to have the energy to move his withered legs and to reclaim his essential life force.

Those six words, “Call back your spirit or die,” are so powerful to me. They are a mantra for healing and transformation. They are a call to wholeness.

David would later say that those moments in the Little Colorado River were the very hardest of his life. He had to fight himself for himself.

David reported he was able to see the big picture; he understood why things unfolded as they did. For example, he realized that the raw chicken parts were meant as a source of protein to sustain him so that he might live.

David Paladin was thrown into the river as a very broken – and broken on every level -- man. And David emerged out of the Little Colorado River like the phoenix out of the ashes. He had metaphorically walked through the fire, or, in this case, swum through the currents, and had come out alive. He was born again.

To my understanding, David did not need his braces anymore, and he went on to work with priests and addicts. He became a shaman, a teacher and an artist. He died in his middle years in the mid ‘80s.

We all have a certain outlook towards life. We envision our life to be in a certain way. Most of the times based on our conditioning and what we have seen around and the generic conventioaln way of life. Seldom do we decide the things we want purely based on our desires. It is mostly driven by social pressures etc.

Then over a period of time it happens that no matter what you do and how hard you try you are not getting what you desire. Life just keeps pushing you in the exact opposite direction as the one you want. Somewhere within you you want it too cause of certain unfulfilled desires. But you also know that going down that road may not really bring the happiness you wish for. So you again try hard to turn away from what life is offering you at that point of time. But it keeps happening repeatedly and you wonder if you should give in to life. If you should just let life have her way with you instead of resisting. If you should indeed live in the moment?
But then what about all the things which you want? What about the life that you envisioned for yourself? We think this and then go back in out hole waiting praying for life to give us what we want and not what she has planned for you. We resist everything happening around and make ourselves unhappy. And in resisting and whining over our unmet dreams we miss out on the beauty around us. The beauty of the things life is doing for us. The presents that life offers us.

Why do we need to cling to only a certain set of things that too based on the limited conditioning and experiences we have had in life. Why are we so adamant? I think we are just scared to go out of the safety of tried and tested measures and experiences.

So should we just stick to our dreams and a certain vision or shall we let life sculpt us?
Even if we do stick to what we want life has other plans.. Better or worse but those are the plans which are going to happen to us. For the lucky ones life has planned the same as they have.. For the more lucky ones life has better in store.. :)

We need to just let go and let life take over after all life is much greater than the meager conditioning and experiences that our immediate environment has offered us.. :) :) And she will anyway have her way! The adamant child that she is..!

The old mop
withered and thinned over time..
The old mop absorbs..
Everything and anything..
Old oil stains, the expensive spilled juice and the childish jelly candy..
The old mop just absorbs..
It has lost its capacity.. it has withered but it absorbs without a complaint..
The new mop all hard and up tight..
Doesn't give way to anything..
It takes in nothing.. Its full of itself..
The new mop is still celebrated treated with care..
Its used and showered with attention..
The new mop all uptight and unbending..
starched and clean..
The new mop..
The old mop watches..
It absorbs every drop that befalls its embrace..
It cleans relentlessly.. A thankless job..
Awaiting a drop of water..
Getting drenched in no time as the rain crashes its peaceful rest one sunny afternoon..
The old mop is bless.. And becomes one with the river of showers..
The old mop.. :)

Here is life..
Oh so cheaply precious..
Throbbing in each minute..
The beggar, the laborer, the serviceman and the whore..
The elite businessman in his Mercedes, his decorated wife and the abundant children feeding off everything..
Oh here is life..
So over whelming..
Crawling on earth's very skin..
Deeply rooted like parasite..
The child who lost his innocence protecting the little sister's..
The cow frozen with fright in d middle of d road..
And the others idly lolling in d middle of the road..
The soot laden trees hung low in their grandeur..
The men and women the offspring's..
The animals and insects the trees the natural order..
Here is life..
So cheaply precious..
Here is life available..
Abundantly available..