The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..


Silence.. Just a quiet hush.. A silence..

Have you ever experienced the joy when you realize something over and over again.. and its the same thing? The joy of realizing that you are capable of loving. That you are capable giving out everything you can without getting anything in return.. That you have the strength to hold on and to let go at the same time.. The realization that you have a bond which is so strong that no matter how many times you try to hack it or the entire world around you tries to hack it down, it still stays! It survives and its flourishes. The realization that your fear of losing, even though aren't baseless, are a bit overrated. The joy which floods your senses when you realize that this is the real you and you have been true to yourself enduring everything every bit of shit thrown at you and yet you didn't let it change the spirit of you.
The fact that love still courses through your veins and that it still brings the same ecstasies no matter what ordeals its been through.. The fact that you are the one who houses this sort of feeling which cannot be killed, no matter how hard they try.. No matter how hard you try.. The joy of the realization that when at the end of the day you are tired of fighting this love comes and puts you to a sound sleep.. It reassures you.. even if all you see in front of you is darkness and behind you is failure.. This feeling within you holds you through.. The immense joy at the realization that one more day was lived and it ended with hope.. and a new one started with hope.. What else does one need? :) The realization that something can bring such joy by itself is joyful.. :)

Fresh new morning.. Strewn with dew..
The past night's nightmares slowly dissolve on stirring thick eye lashes..
The first rays of light bring a warm soft glow.. To her soft dusky skin.. Like molten chocolate..
It takes a moment to realize that the nightmare has passed..
That a new day await her.. New opportunities and experiences..
The the end was in fact the beginning.. Of something new.. something better..
What goes away is never meant to stay..
And so neither will the nightmares stay..
She is free.. for another day..
Belonging only to her self..
And the drops of water which cling to her slender sensuous body now..
The light morning breezes awakens her further..
As she smiles on to the new day..
The end was indeed the beginning..
Another cycle has been set in motion which brings nothing but bigger and better for her..
As for the rest who savaged her soul its d same old rut.. The lies that they live forever..
But it doesn't disturb her one bit anymore..
For the nightmare has passed..
The flower on the balcony is blooming exactly the way she knew it would..
Her eyes lose the glaze as they become dreamy again..
The Kohl dances with ecstasy as she lets it rest her eyes..
A distant land calls..
A string tugs at her heart..
A smile lingers and them blooms fully ravishing..
Her dreams are back..
Unharmed.. Just like her soul is.. Pure.. Honest..
A silhouette lingers too.. just like her smile..
As the robes cover the skin that holds the precious heart..
The sun is in his glory hanging over head heating up the world..
And she knows this end is the beginning that she has waited for..
Forever.. The knowledge and the joy of that knowledge.. deserves a celebration..
She is liberated.. She is free.. She is herself.. only herself....

Rain drops and storms..
cool mild summer breeze..
Heavy headily earth perfumed air..
Crashing winds and blowing hair..
Steaming tea and rain lashing at the windows or clear onto the face.. :) :)
Warm dark room closed curtains and rain raging outside..
Caught unawares on the bike and ripping off the rain-coat..
Soaking the soul in the soothing wetness..
Drowning in its arms and yet floating above everything else..
Rain my love.. When are you coming?
Another year has gone by.. we await you.. Your earth and me.. :) :)
Enough of the wait already.. Come soooooooon!!!!!!

When every thing accumulates.. Love or hate or indifference.. It explodes.. And corresponding actions/ reactions prevail.. And then you move on.. Or.. so you think.. Some lock it up inside.. Some express to kingdom come.. Some ignore it.. But its there.. Acknowledged or not.. Accepted or not.. Celebrated or not.. It stays.. Some becomes very weak and faint almost invisible over time.. But its there.. So its time to not move on.. But to celebrate.. Let it explode.. Into million tiny particles.. Like stardust.. And live on.. As the stardust surrounds you.. Its always there with you.. :) And then sometime along the way it will all come together again.. :) some summer evening.. Riding on the breeze.. "soon".. Like someone used to say.. Soon..

A gift..
I got u a gift.. All wrapped up and complete with a bow..
My heart and my soul wrapped up in the flesh of my dignity topped with a bow of my bloodied tears cause- water is worthless now..
Just for you.. n your kin..
To be stomped on and spat on..
My very soul wrapped up in the skin of all my dignity and filled with all my love..
Or whatever remains of it..
Cause this is what you wanted..
Cause this is what you wished..
Cause it cant get better than this or bigger..
Cause I've loved you.. unlike you..
And will till death and beyond..
So, here is your gift..
A little before time..
I hope you will enjoy it.. I know you have already enjoyed it..
You and your kin.
Happy birthday- in advance.. cause some things cannot wait.

They are aware of everything.. They maybe taught to do certain things in a certain way, but their true nature never remains hidden. They do not lie and they do not cheat. No matter what kind of household they are in, not matter the lies and plotting that goes around them they are always pure. They recognize good in the strangest of stranger.. They have no boundaries and they love completely.. They recognize truth and beauty and purity.. There is something about them.. :) Closest thing we have to the innocence and purity of god.. Like from the animal song.. Animals and children tell the truth they never lie.. which one is more human there's a thoughts now you decide.. :) :)
If your dog doesn't like someone, there is a good reason you shouldn't either.. and if you dog adores someone and "humans" around you don't then there is a good reason to think twice who you live with!! :) :)
Something about them that is just amazingly awesome! :D muuuaaaah to all them animals!! The messiahs of truth and beauty.. and if you have an animal around you your lies and betrayals will be punished.. be it cats or dogs or cows or pigs.. Lets learn truth from them.. Let us learn to love.. So many years of being humans and some of us still have no clue whats it all about! So many years of lessons and still people make silly rules which take them no where and only in depth of despair eventually resorting to alcohol and dragging their families kids in that darkness too!!
I wonder what kind of mothers they are who ensure their kids lie and live a life full of lies! Does motherhood only span across the children who have come from your womb? Some mother don't even care for their own children and only when its in time of need do they turn to their so called children and make their life a mess too! Do we really call such women mothers and respect them for motherhood? Maybe for struggling through whatever issues like any other human but not for being a mother.. Such women are not mothers.. They are just wombs..
Its about time we learn to look with open eyes, listen and understand not just blindly follow..
Look at the animals.. There's a LOT to learn! :)

Love.. in its entirety is capable of more than any other emotion in the world.. To be constructive to build to nurture to heal.. Love.. in its purest form can forgive any crime done by the subject of its expression.. But what about the crimes and atrocities done against it?
If love can be Durga it can also be Kali.. And it will be Kali when it is abused, not by words.. cause words are just that.. When love is abused by actions.. By disrespect by insults.. It becomes poison.. and it eats itself up.. its causes harm and hurt to the ones who have abused it taken it for granted.. but while doing so it causes itself more hurt cause in there is not joy no victory in hurting the one it loves..
A love's voyage was yet to begin when it was demolished by abuse.. not verbal or physical harm but through actions of disrespect and insult. Love is all forgiving and it has forgiven but is this the journey that love has to endure? That it be constantly attacked and misunderstood and lied to and taken for granted? is this what love deserves after giving everything possible to give and bearing such huge amounts of insults at the hands of the one it loves.. it still forgives and gets more pain and insults in return? What sort of people are these? who plot and plan to hurt something so pure? To drive it to such a place where it no sense of self or boundaries remains.. Only remains the desperate desire for peace and freedom from the clutches so such people who are blind? Who are so blinded by god alone knows what that they can't see, they can't hear, they can't feel love.. compassion.. Is everything really dead?
Is this how the voyage of love ends? Before it has even started? Or is this the actual voyage?
Wish i had answers to the mystery of love.. To the feel which conquers everything.. religion, society, human emotions, hurt, insult, boundaries.. Nothing stands in its way.. But this journey is one person's the one who feels it. If it is reciprocated then it wins. But if its not then the voyage continues like an exile.. Alone..
Its a curse that love has to face to be alone.. But the strength of love conquers all.. even the person who feels it.. And this is the voyage of love. A day comes when these people understand and repent. I hope it doesn't happen too late.. Or maybe it is already too late.. Is it ever too late when it comes to love? Maybe not.. love is timeless.. but when it bleeds it is not the same anymore.. it needs love back.. If not the voyage continues.. Cause once you have something so pure there is no escape.. Think of it as a curse or a boon.. Its yours and it will never go away even if you think it has.. Thats the voyage of love.. To stay.. Beyond everything and anything..