The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

A fairly feeble attempt at story writing. Inspired from my own life of course. ;) I need a lot of improvement in this form of writing. So all suggestions, criticism are welcome!


It was a lonely train platform on a dark wet rainy night.. The angry intense wind had toned down to a gentle cool breeze, basking in the after glow of the crazy love making all evening.. The tea boy carrying his tin container turned towards me after the last train left.. "One last tea Saheb before i retire for the day?", "I will stay if u want me to though my family will understand.." He adds with a sly grin. With a small smile i gesture him to sit, he makes to sit on the ground but i ask him to sit besides me on the wet bench. I didn't believe in such differentiation. And after all there was not much difference between me n him.. In fact he was much better off.. Happy.. Doing what he wanted.. A family who "understood".. I wondered since when that had become a privilege?! But the answer eluded me.. Like it always had..
The boy sensed something n tried to distract me by pouring tea as noisily as possible in the plastic cup.. I gazed at him as he looked into the distance as far as the rail track took him.. He was happy, i could sense that.. Satisfied atleast..
Then he looked at me.. "Its not about what you have in life right now or what you want or deserve.. its about what you are willing to have.. What you are allowing yourself to have.." His eyes twinkled as yet another toothy smile appeared there.. The warmth of the tea reached out at the same time from the plastic cup.. Making me jump and him laugh.. I grinned back.. After as if an eternity it felt nice on my face, a genuine happy smile.. And then there was silence.... This silence didn't feel labored, tortured like all the silences after all those arguments, after those evil headache from feeling incapable of making any human understand.. Those pained forceful silences with the woman who loved him.. This silence was empowering.. He had done what he had to.. But he had not allow himself to accept it till now.. To accept himself.. Thinking he was evil.. Thinking he didn't deserve it.. But this little kid, in the wisdom all of 12 years made him see the light.. The sullen depression and weight of an answer lightened and then disappeared completely.. For he had accepted himself and his own happiness.. He couldn't wait for the journey to begin.. The same one which he was dreading even when all signs were there.. The rain the biggest of them all.. People cursed it.. Right in the middle of February.. He had chosen to ignore it.. After all those years of relentless efforts the day was finally there and now he knew..
The boy had dozed off, curled up besides him like a big cat.. He had indeed stayed back! I pushed a 50 rupee note gently in his pocket just as a light ting of dawn was visible beyond the horizon.. It was time.. She was waiting.. Like she said she was going to.. And he was ready.. Forgiven, accepted, unbound, understood.. The boy woke with the first drops of drizzle of the day.. As the train approached in all her glory smoke and horn n all.. One last thought crossed my smiling heart.. The healing remained but there was time.. This healing had to happen together.. The boy smiled as be waved a groggy eyed goodbye as I looked at him from the door.. I thanked him.. "Believe saheb.. Believe!!".. And we rushed away into the waiting morning. I never saw the boy again.. We came to the station once years later but he wasn't around.. I asked the station master as a last ditch attempt and got to know he left on a train one day and came back only to take his family along, they were never seen again.. So there was a family and they did understand. Then he took out a fairly battered note and handed it to me.. It said "Believe saheb.. Thank you for making me believe.." The station master smiled too..

The rain comes calling and people wonder why!
Some scared some angry.. They blame it on global warming..
In your eyes i see and in mine do you..
That one drop which fell in your eye said all there was to have said..
The rain soaks through the skin of your eye..
And you close it shut not being able to bear the purity..
Open you eyes and look at the beauty.. The rain brings you the truth..
The rain brings us the truth..
Some call it untimely, and some unnatural..
But it is the truth like the sky and the stars, like the earth that moves unknowingly beneath our feet :)
In your eyes the truth floats waiting..
Constant like the universe..
Constant like you and me..
Stead and still- For now..

--The prawn (re-born, or perhaps never dead) :)

The sky remains and so do the stars..
The clouds cover the blue from time to time..
But the skies are there behind all the covers and all the lies..
You cover your eyes, you close them up so that you can't see the sun..
So that the rain doesn't touch the skin of your soul..
But its there raining hard.. raining itself out on its beloved earth..
One day the lies will break..
One day your eyes will open..
One day the sky will prove its existence..
And then it will be beautiful..
The change that you await is right here,
The moment you let go of the lies!!
Open your eyes to beauty and truth..
A whole new world.. Change, beyond d lies..

A trance green and yellow..
The color of pus..
When a wound is not tended to and let rot
Unreal.. Painless.. A fish like stink..
To be healed by the one who inflicted..
The pus passed over by the infected hand..
A trance breaking a vicious circle..
The pus gloating over the wound..
As the sun pierces through..
Years and years of accumulation
Dry decayed coming back to life..
A trance.. To let go..
To wake up.. To heal..

Excuses are always there. We do something we want there is an excuse. We do something we don't want there is an excuse.
We do something unknowingly there is an excuse, we do something that is something we know we shouldn't do there is an excuse.. and when all other excuses fail there is the ultimate excuse-- I'm only human! Being human excuses us from everything.. Its the ultimate weapon of excuses. And even after this if someone gives you an excuse for not doing something they want, then its time to stick it up their behind! ;)

After all I'm only human! ;)

BP- :| No i'm BP!
CP- and I'm CP :|

Two ends of a rope..
Facing two walls or tied together..
Tied around something else, someone else
Cut the rope, burn it up..
The two ends remain ends..
Connected always, across tied things..
Facing away from each, but always connected..
One balancing the other..
Stubborn and adamant never giving in to the other..
Never changing.
Never melting to the other's direction.
But connected.
None can exist without the other..
There is no rope otherwise.
The two ends of the rope remain-
Connected, Communicating, Constant.

One of the rare moments a fellow bloggers gets to share the limelight with me on my blog!
Take a look: Just cause i liked it! :P

i love you


Keep loving!! :D :)
Life is sooo beautiful! :) :)

and let me tell you, at the cost of sounding like a weather woman, this time when the weather decides to change it just magnificent! not in my usual pervert sort of way but really beautiful.. :)

Cheers!! :)

When we were kids, there was always that one tooth which took forever to fall out. It rested on its hinges but it was too painful to pull it out so we let it be. I used to love moving it all over on its hinges. With the taste of blood oozing out at times. I like the pain when i dug it deep in the gums. i didn't pull it out immediately. It was a pass time, pull it so far as it was attached to the gum only with a tiny bit of sinew, and then moving it around and pushing it hard into the gums. Eventually i did pull it out though. But it was those moments i looked forward to before ever tooth fell. And was disappointed if it fell out too quickly.
Then for a brief period i thought i was going to become a cutter. Thankfully i didn't. Though i did cut a couple of times, i got a grip and let go. Physical pain has always given a high of sorts. I believe it helps us remember we are still human. Usually i go looking for pain, more than trouble.
Doing things which will bring pain knowingly because its the pain that i look for. As the pretty famous text message goes- When we grew up we realized skinned knees were better than broken hearts. As i grew up i realized there is a different sort of pain that i can try without getting any obviously physical deformities (except the eyes). That is falling in love. More than getting your heart broken its the whole concept of falling in love. Its not a game though, lest you guys start judging! *rolling eyes* No. its no fun if its played as a game. Then you won't be totally into it and then the impact won't be as desired! Though eventually it is a game or a mockery because what you what is different from what you are doing in a way.
There is always a need for pain to keep going. Its like a drug without which life seems dull. I just recently realized this when i was cribbing about nothing interesting happening and then i saw something one tv which made me cry. And the peace that engulfed me by way of those tears was something i've experience very rarely. I loved the feeling of having tears in my eyes and a sting in the chest! But the feeling didn't last long because just like i'm addicted to pain (a recently discovery) my defense mechanism is equally stronger! (yeah-- DUHH!) so i've to be very careful about how i employ these two and when! Otherwise one will overpower the other at all wrong times!

Pain is something that keeps me going. That, i believe, keeps everyone going. So stop fighting it and experience the beauty it brings about. The eyes.. It works wonders on the eyes, so long as you know how to use it and not get lost in it, like any other drug! :)


BP- Cheers! With a glass full of pain! A votre sante (ou chagrin! ;) )
CP- Wow BP you are getting cooler! :D :P Atom you are driving me nuts. Now i've to keep up with this!

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesses il s'en fait des manteaux,
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit que...

-- Carla Bruni! <3 <3

Its me! its me!
Tiny flowers and chocolate sprinkles..
Its me! its me!!
I'm purple!
The sky is and so is the moon..
My heart is a wicked purple!
Dark and deep..
Dizzying purple depths!
The rivers of blood and the staring judging eyes..
My wilderness is purple..
The souls that i crushed..
And the curses that the screeched..
All purple with my mirth and cruel laughter!
The suits, the boots, the smiles of joy..
All purple!
The floating feathers from the 12th floor..
The light headed high in the simmering sun..
right before summer starts..
My purple sun.. :) :)
Its me! I"m purple..
And in love! :) ;)

BP- purple people.. peepal.. peep-all.. peep toe.. peep tom.. *la-la-la-laa laa*
CP- hmm.. interesting.. coloring the town purple together i see.. *smile*