The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

You were an obsession..
And then a tantrum..
Dark and luscious..
Oh so tempting..
You were a game..
I played with myself..
Fair and fluffy..
Light on the lips and the hips..
A one, a two, a three, four and five..
You were a tale..
For me to tell..
Sparkling and glamorous..
Foolish for you and your world..
You were a charity..
Poor and impotent..
Only meant of pity..
One milligram you borrowed and added along with tons of others that i bought!

Feels like there's something incomplete..
Back there..
Long ago..
Hidden beneath d sands of time..
Under ashes of fake hopes n new dreams..
There in a time where all was beautiful, pure, innocent, new, un-maimed..
The beginning needs to end..
And then the circle will complete..

Sometimes very few times we get an opportunity to put something right. To heal ourselves. Years after something went wrong, after years of cajoling the same wound, you get an opportunity to nip the poison, though its all flowered out and not quite a bud. But here is my chance, to heal myself if not the other person. We both have been stuck for so many years.. Time heals all only if you allow it to. I did, and moved on. But here is my chance to heal completely. To forgive. The root of all the pains to follow. Everyone reflected that one face from that past time.. The beginning..
It was the beginning of experiences but experiences which had a foreseen end, because the beginning was wronged. And now i set out to make turn it right. To let go in the true sense of the person i was when it all began.. or maybe to embrace the person i was before it all began.. Now is my chance to meet her after all these year. An exact decade is complete, what better a time than now to put it right. And the chance presented itself too.
I hope everyone gets a chance to put things right, even if its after decade. Cause if you don't gel and merge those frayed ends together you are not complete.. Though some of them give you an edge, there are some which tear your person apart, these are the ones that need mending so the other can be enjoyed.. :)

I was looking at all wrong places to get my redemption, at all wrong people. Knowing somewhere deep down it was not going to work. But now it will, the right person and the right time is giving me my peace back.. After a decade of blindly running circles through the wilderness of new hopes and broken dreams.. Now is the moment for peace.. The past with a face shines bright just like the lamp before it goes out! :) And then its all peace...... The atom lives on.. A decade is not even a long time for such realizations :)
The face ready to wipe off all others that had followed.. And eventually itself..

-Chichi

In memory..

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more, death, thou shalt die.
-John Donne (i think he's the poet)


There's a deep void, that is created only by death.
Death of a loved one..
Even if its not someone you know you go into a state of suspension..
Where there is only a buzz in the head.. and nothing anyone does or says makes any sense.
You feel as if your existence is meaningless and you just cannot carry on living..
This feeling has many names and as time passes the feeling does too.. The desire of living, the fight takes over all conscious efforts to remain submerged in the sorrow and pain.
When that eventuality strikes we make conscious efforts to go on living..
Eventually death is the journey that we all await..

But until then death thou be not proud, for you inflict us with pain beyond belief
Until the realization strikes that you are a leveler too, that you free people from the pain of living..
Be not proud, for we are mourning.. The loss of our dear one..

We pray you find happiness where you are Gaurav, and that you will fill that place too with joy like you did for us when you were around.. It is true that the best ones go first.. We pray you are in a much better place than this world..
You shall be alive in our hearts and forever unforgotten.. We will ensure our pain and sorrow will be short lived cause you derive joy from our smiles, and for that we shall be happy.. You family and your friends and people you only acquainted with..

To Sayali Tai, To Raja Kaka, To Ruta, To Bhushan, To all our loved ones who left their lives un-lived..
We will ensure our lives maimed by your death are not in vain.. You live on for us.. and you are missed immensely..




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Cheers,
The Atom

Newly begun and happily ended..
Jutting out at places and smug over all..
A frog swatting a juicy fly..
Greenly glumly satisfied grin..
The poop shall tell yet another story of colors and codes..
A crow gnaws at his own intestine..
Selfishly, greedily, black and grey and an occasional white!
Watching the sun blind his eye..
The rainbow rises above all infinity..
Slowly, unsteadily the smile appears..
Selfishly, greedily content..
An ant climbs up a heap of bodies..
Mates and comrades..
Gloating, proud, a sugary high..
Screeching to the whole world below..
Dead decaying friendships and loves..
Bitterly, sweetly and sourly victorious..
A new beginning and a happy ending..

----------------------- ^.^ -----------------------

A drop of rain, yet again..
A glimpse of green on the yellowed meadow..
Rain my love shall always be..
Flowering like lilies and daffodils around the sea..
The tiny sea, a fresh water land..
New dreams abound..
Like freshly color butterflies..
A grasshopper and a dragonfly..
The horse of the sea jumps up high in glee..
The excitement carries far and wide..
Wisps of candy clouds smile serenely..
And the sea horse lazes about in the wintry sun..
The grass grows now.. and nods in approval..
The child is wild again..
And all is well with the world! :)

The small things from the bygone era. I love them and miss them!
Some of them are:

1) The gift shop era.. Those trips to gift shops with elder sisters on valentines day, buying gifts but having no one to gift! Making small gifts with sketch pens and glittering paper and transparent paper with little red hearts printed, for the family and a few close friends :D aww miss it!!!!!!
2) The way the roads were.. some dust along it always..
3) Falling off bi-cycles and grazing knees!
4) Running out in the first rain!! When cousin screamed to come out and play! When it was only her and me on the road, it was raining so heavily! :D
5) Watering trees and plants with grand-dad's permission
6) School-buses and missing them! ;)
7) Chits passed in the class-room
8) Eagerly awaited festivals, new clothes, dinners out!
9) Small red heart cut outs in greeting cards!! Leaving school bags outside while visiting the gift shops close to school.
10) Singing songs during the school picnic and hoping for the crush to understand the lyrics! :D ;)
11) Standing up for friends in front of the class teacher/principal
12) E-mail forwards!! with those meaningful message.
13) Hoping to get the crush as a partner during computer practical!
14) Gathering!! :D dance practices after school and during school hours!! :D ;)
15) Afternoons with no home work.. afternoons with homework not being done!
16) Early morning homework copying in class
17) Genuine leave notes and forging leave notes, cause mom didn't approved bunking school :P hehehehehe
18) Pretend stomach ache to bunk school, and later on go to school even with real stomach ache..
19) Cheering the cricket team ;)
20) Getting cheered and cheered up by the guys..
21) "A" division.. :) :)
22) Staying back long after the whole school has gone home..
23) Sneaking in the staff room
24) Hating being labelled trouble makers and yet continuing to be them!
25) Half day Saturdays.. walking home form the corner, lovely afternoons..
26) 10th standard vacation and all the books read, all the chocolates, juice and chips consumed.. (thats when i put on all the weight!!)
27) Mumbai visits with the BFF.. :) :) :) :) (hopefully more to come)
28) Rescuing puppies and kittens, being scolded, crying, tantrums.. (eventually i got a pet!)
29) Asking for permission to go out/stay over
30) Pocket money!!!!! :D :)
31) Movies on DD1 on Friday and Saturday nights
32) Early morning serials on Sundays! Shri Krishna, Rangoli, Shaktiman etc etc :) :)
33) Smells, sounds, sights, feelings, certain words and certain people, places..

Wish i could've lived in the older mumbai, like the one in the movie Chotisi baat.

So many things.. many many more.. Of childhood and dreams.. Weaving our own world..
Childhood has disappeared but the child lives on.. the dreams do too!! Now with the capability to make them come true.. :) :) The child lives on.. Bright eyed, and hopeful.. Living it up!! :D

Life's come a full circle. (yes i can't live away from my baby for too long ;| ;) not need to roll those eyes! :D)
The atom was born when i was on a path to move on.. And has been with me through every twist n turn.. Every ecstasy and agony.. She's been my mirror when there was no means of communication or no living being to communicate with.
She's been patient, strong, and always there! No matter how many times i let go, no matter what foolishness i scribbled on her.. She was always there to take me on.. To egg me on.. To show me my true identity every time i got lost in the fog of pain.. She helped me to fight.. And to keep going to.. To never give up..
So yes, i can't stay away from her for long!

Well now to the essence of this post (do NOT roll eyes! :P or just get over with it once n for all :| )
Its been almost a month since a very tragic incident in my life. And it does feel like ages already. Every such incident has shown me the strength withing myself. My capability and hence i realized yet again that if one human can be capable of strength so can every other! So, if someone comes n tells you someday that they can't do something it means they don't want to do it. And your gut always tells you that so trust your instinct. In my case i always ignored it, hope and belief got the better of me every time. And though i know this so well, i might still end up making the same mistakes again. Cause i do hope and believe. I fight for what i want, cause in that moment that is what i want! Yes, it does sound very superficial, temporary, shallow etc.. But people who do have something that is so called "deep", "forever" etc are they happy? Eventually these are the kind of people who try to run away from what they have to find something meaningful, because deep within they are still unsure of what they have gotten themselves into. But so be it, its their choices, though sometimes choices of other people do affect us deeply, its our choice to let them affect us!

So well life has come full circle, there was something that started across oceans 3 years ago, or maybe a bit more.. And it has ended now again, across oceans. It feels weird. Each strand of the past seems to have faded finally, disintegrated into nothingness across the dark fabric of time.. And now this one will too, the process has started already. After all the blows of blame hit on my integrity, the judgements passed on my maturity, on my strength, on my humanity and the whole concept of me.. The process of disintegration finally began. It began a long time ago actually, but me being me kept ignoring it, kept believing, kept hoping, kept fooling myself, kept hurting.. But the gut wins. Not matter what you tell yourself and everyone around, deep down you know, always knew that it was not going to happen. No matter the beauty, the intensity, it was not time. They say some people are linked across the universe across many births.. Maybe that is true.. But time is important.. If its not time its not meant to be..
I just heard a song today which reflects this sort of "janam janam ka sath hai tumhara humara, jabse ghoome dharti, suraj chan sitare, tabse meri najar samjhe tere ishare.. aga na milte iss jevan me lete janam doobara" = we are meant to be together across births, since the time the earth started revolving my eyes have understood yours.. even if we don't meet in this birth we'll be born again for each other..

But for this life the circle keeps going on for me.. There's a twist and here's a turn and the circle completes. No matter what your heart craves what time wants is important.. That is what you shall get, so do what makes you happy and live in the moment. I was letting myself be dragged into being someone i am not.. And that's where things started falling apart.. Being a spirit untamed, even if i want to be tamed i do not well in being tamed. Wild and free as my atom.. :) :)

I realized that my inspiration is not love, not beauty or pain or life.. My inspiration is myself! And what i see, how i perceive, and if i keep my eyes closed to everything around there will be no inspiration! If i refuse to feel, if i deny to move on, if i keep saying no to experiences to doing things that i feel like doing on an impulse or planned then there will be no inspiration!

So it all boils down to me. The atom is mysterious even to me. But a true friend, someone who will never turn away the first chance she gets, someone who listens to only her heart, who is not governed by others around, who is brave enough to stand up for herself and for people she loves, who loves truly and completely, and also forgives equally.. somewhat like me (except the forgiveness part :P ) And so much more!! I've a long way to go to be entirely like the Atom. What started as the atom wanting to be like me has now turned to me wanting to be like the atom!

Life comes full circle and so glad to have found myself "yet again"..
So glad my dear atom for existing and never giving up! :)

BP- Duuuhhhh when had you gone? and WHERE had you gone!?!???!! :O :S what is going on!?!? *soap bubble burst*
CP- I'm not even going to bother saying welcome back now. Go clean your room, its a mess! (wish i could say that, but i cleaned up after you) :)


Me: YAY!! muaaaaaahhhh love you guys!!!!!! :D :D ^.^

Some old on circles