The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

ती असते..
कुठल्या तरी शाळेच्या बाकावर कोरलेली..

तिथेच विसरून राहिलेल..

ती असते..

कुठल्यातर गल्लीच्या कोप्रिॅयेवार

लाजत ऊभी..

एका भयाण काळरात्री, वाट बघत थांबलेल

ती असते..

तिथच..

एका कुरळल्या बटी मधे गुंतून राहिलेली..

ते बंदा डोळे मनात साठवून घेत..

पहाटेची घृणा करत

ती असते..

टेकडीवर शांत शेजारी बसलेली..

वार्यावर येणारा तो सुगंध ते क्षण सामावून घेत..

ती असते..

कधी शांत, कधी मिश्किल..

कुठल्यातरी गाडीच्या धुरात वाहून गेलेली..
कुठल्या तरी जल्लोषात..
दुसर्यच्या मिठीत..
तिच्या घुसमटलेल्या अश्रू मधे..
कुठल्यातरी वळणावर अचानक भेटलेली
त्या दोघांच्या भिडलेल्या नजरेत लपलेली
आवडलेली, विसरलेली, नसूनही असणारी..

ती आपली ती..

ती तशीच असते..

प्रत्येक ठिकाणी ती आढळून येते..

बघा कधीतरी डोळे उघडून..

मनाला लागूनजाईल.. स्पर्शूनजाईल..

अशी ती एक प्रेमकहाणी सगळी कडे असते..

The fear tries to re-emerge..
Its cold clammy hands inching closer, Threatening to snuff the life out of a bud..
Its only a bud still, Let it stay..
Leave it a lone I beg to the darkness..
The darkness persists, once a friend never a foe and yet it acts otherwise!
The fear is cold and so is November..
How is this irony then?
It is just you, he says.
Leave the fear alone, and it will run away never to return, he says.
The warmth in November, the sun shines smiling, again.
Twinkling from your eyes..
Words find me again and promise to stay.
I will fight it, I will stay.
Let us snuff it out together, and let it live!
For whatever it is worth, we are worth it! :)

Years ago, on some fateful days the moment you stepped into a barber shop (for men) or into a parlour (for women) you would get blasted off your feet with unearthly screeches threatening to chew your ears off if you stayed even a moment longer. But being in a dire need of a hair-cut or whatever other appearance related needs you have, you resist the urge of running out and slowly open your eyes to adjust to the scene unfolding before you. And what do you see; the screeches are being emitted by none other than toddlers in the ages ranging from 2-5 years!
You don't know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or to still turn your back and rush out!

Year later, to the day, after all these years of progress and advancement in all the possible areas of human presence, you still have these so called appearance needs haircuts, massages, face cleans so on and so forth. They have intensified if anything as the time passed.
So the same scenarios placed in today- you are harassed by something at work, which happens oh so frequently, and are is a desperate need of a relaxing aroma therapy or whatever you may please and you know just the place to go to. It’s a huge relief when you have someone (Ms.M) close to you who as a professional works in this field. You can be care-free and assured that you will be well taken care of. But you are about to enter the place and you see a line of kids waiting quite restlessly in the waiting area. Your antennae start tickling and you become increasingly nervous as you start inching towards the door. You expect that none of the kids has had his turn and any moment now the similar screeches are going to pile up on your already fragile mind!

You take a leap of faith and make a bold entrance hoping to convince Ms.M to take you up first, and what do you see?! There are kids inside already! Peaceful, quiet, smiling, laughing kids!! You can't believe your eyes! Kids getting their first haircut, kids getting their annual haircut, basically "kids getting their hair cut happily!"

All the stress, nervousness leaves your body instaneously even watching this miracle! Your saviour (Ms.M) notices you and smiles like an angel, as usual, and asks you to wait for a bit and you do so happily, sitting down to watch Pogo playing on a TV screen just close to the mirror where a few other kids are watching it too!!
There are some books lying about recently read by the kids who are now engrossed in playing with a pony and a Barbie! You take a look around the room, there is chatter, relief, smiles and only little bit of anxiety on the faces of all the parents around.

After the day is over, with you happily relaxed and ensconced in your warm bed, ridden of all the stress, this scene keeps replaying in your mind. You think- This is the advancement, this is progress. Where the most tedious of tasks are made into enjoyable and things to look forward to. Where both the children and parents are relieved of one mundane but important task in their lives at that point of time. To keep up with the school requirement pressures, parents' busy schedules it’s very difficult when the kids too throw tantrums, out of just fear or being adamant. When someone comes along and takes this responsibility on themselves, albeit for a price, and turns it around so beautifully it makes you feel it’s all worth it! The ingenuity and creativity, skill of this entrepreneur Ms.Manjiri Joglekar have managed to tackle the most difficult of tasks with such grace!

To bring relief to a parent and an insecure child even in something as mundane as a haircut has many positive repercussion and blessing! Hats off to you! Without any more suspense I reveal this cave of treasures- Krazzy Kidz which is a brainchild of Ms. Manjiri Joglekar.
Situated just next to Kamala Nehru Park, Pune, it is frequented by clientele ranging from all places in pune. Very personalised and careful service is something you can look forward to at The Krazzy Kidz Salon. The interiors, the people and the general ambience of the place is child-friendly and very tastefully done- a child's taste of course! :) In case you mothers are wondering if you can squeeze in your own parlour appointments, They also cater to other salon requirements for women which is a separate section in itself.

We at The Unstable Atom hope you are showered with many more such successes! You are our angel when it comes to your area of expertise! :) :)

For more details and appointments contact: +91 9922929922

Panorama- (copied straight from wiki/dictionary) A 360-degree panorama with stereographic projection. A panorama (formed from Greek πᾶν "all" + ὅραμα "sight") is any wide-angle view or representation of a physical space, whether in painting, drawing, photography, film, or a three-dimensional model. An unbroken view of an entire surrounding area.

An extended explanation from my very recent learning- a panorama, for me, is a picture extending beyond horizons. A feat that is not possible for the standard human eye to capture given its limited field of vision. A panorama is comprehensive. It will cover all. What your eyes have seen and what they missed out. So a panorama sprouts from the inner eye. It comes from within a being be it living or not quite alive.

A nascent identity under the name Panorama Art Studio Pune aims to do full justice to the definition of its namesake and is also the inspiration being the little bit that I’ve added on. Currently involved in production support, short films, corporate audio visuals, photography, and theatre, Panorama aims to gather in its wings the entire plethora of everything "Art".

In their first steps they already boast of some projects:

Drama:

1) Katta Kavita Marathi Musical-drama or we can say a poetic drama, which is a collection of poems taking their root in care-free college days full of romance, dreams and hopes. The playful mood eventually gives way and makes you think of much graver topics that mar humanity to the day. The word Katta means a hangout and Kavita is a poem.



2) Square One Marathi Drama- A drama colored against the backdrop of college life and trying to give out a message about the importance of striving to work for one's country. All in side splitting comical manner.
Square one under Panorama's wing was awarded the second best entry in an acclaimed comedy drama competition Vinodottam Karandak 2013.



3) Hey There Delilah Marathi Drama- A story of two companions who have been together in love since their school days through to graduation. How situations and changes within and outside them beome the villian and affect their perspective of life and each other. A story of love, learning and living and where the protagonists find themselves eventually through all these turmoils, a story told in a light-hearted comic manner.



Short Film:


1) Daawa Marathi Short Film- About two village youths who are attracted to the glam of the city, one of whom leaves to never return and the other is called back by his mother which is a figurative of the land that he tills after finding himself a mis-fit in the city grandeur.
Daawa, a directorial excellence, if I may call it so, has already gathered fame being featured, awarded and appreciated across various short film festivals like the International Cultural Exchange, Pune Short Film Festival, Delhi Short Film Festival, Goa Short Film Festival and so on.
With a great team of production support and actors from different walks of life united by the same passion under one roof of Panorama.
Daawa has won best director and best camera awards across these film festivals.
The word Daawa means a rein.



2) For a Social Cause- Recently Panorama joined with Hope Projections and Aradhya Creations to work towards a venture on social cause. I personally having got the opportunity to do my little bit with them can guarantee that this is one film to look forward to. Watch out for more updates on this at https://www.facebook.com/#!/panoramaartstudio

Corporate Audio Visual:


1) IndSearch - Inputs from Panorama were given for the corporate AV done for IndSearch- Indian Institute of Cost and Management Studies and Research along with the college's internal team of experts.



Braving various hurdles, with limited or no means of fulfilling their dreams and passion, stars of Panorama are inching forward albeit at a snail's place at the moment. However, seeing their never dying enthusiasm and hard-core desire and with support from true connoisseurs like you and me I'm sure they will surmount all difficulties within no time. Time tests in every possible way, and the ones who can conquer these tests and survive and thrive are true winners! After all time has its own Panorama! :)

We at The Unstable Atom wish Panorama all the best with all their endeavours. Spread your wings for the sky is the limit, and there is lots that you need to fill in for your Panorama of dreams! :) Hope to be mesmerised by your work more and more!

being in its nascent stage Panorama's website is still under construction but the Facebook page is the one to look out for! :)

Follow them on twitter @PanoramaArtS

We are all one.. In varying degrees of the ingredients we are all the same.. We all have everything that the other person has. Some parts are dormant while others dominating. Some times it takes a while to connect to some of these parts in others.. And some times its as if the other person is a reflection, a replica of you! Some people look similar, some think similarly and still others act similarly.
Even when we know this, it hits us with a jolt when we read something a perfect stranger has written about yet another stranger which exactly describes you! Its as if it was written for you. And then you look back at your life and wonder if that person had a same life, but the answer to that is no.. cause even if that person seems to be very close to how you are, that person has had a different story.. A completely different set of realities, experiences and dreams.. Who know perhaps like you that person was aching for something they didn't have? Even if they sounded happy, looked like a happy picture, perhaps they too had that sting somewhere inside? After all they were like you weren't they. And we all are same, aren't we?!
Out of the deep conditioning you have done on yourself for self-pity you think that those people got what they wanted. But then rationality makes you think, perhaps if those people were to look at you, they would think the same! Perhaps you have something they wanted too.. But it doesn't quite make you happy, does it? We crave for pain somewhere. We crave to crave for things. And in that we are all similar. Even people who call themselves saints, they crave for peace, they crave that something which no one else craves.

We resemble each other. In varying degrees we do. Our story has been written long time back. And in that there is a big difference. But we all at the root of it are same.. So all this judging business makes no sense whatsoever, so we tell ourselves and end up doing exactly that. In that too we are similar. But if we do want to do better we can possibly judge the degree of ingredients in everyone. To understand the levels and try to connect to those. Some are dormant and some dominant, but they are all there. We just need to find where! Maybe even they are not aware of it. And this is the recipe for perfect harmony. :)

It was after many days that i read someone who used to be a very important person in my life. It made me think of the same words approximately 3 years back. When promises were made and similar words were used. Over time things changed, they have an uncanny ability to specially when its pleasurable, and it stopped being all rosy. They say good relations are made by people who want to make it work. I believe its easy to fall in love but hanging on and working to make it work is the difficult part, and especially so when its just one person putting in everything into that relationship. Then i guess it ceases to be a relationship cause there is just one entity. So, I had stopped reading him cause it brought on only pain to see anything and everything to do with that person. There comes a time you have given in a hundred percent and perhaps more, and then it is just not possible to trust any more cause it has been hacked down to muck. The pain then turns into indifference and thats the death of love. Then no matter what the other person does to try and make it upto you, if at all they do, it just is not good enough cause it is too late. But then you realize after nosing around a bit, cause you had cared once upon a time, that the person doesn't care! That they have moved on, and it is a good thing too. It is liberating. You realize that the pain has only made you stronger to take life by its horns- (i believe at times that life is a big old cow just ramming you about :D other times she is a river and still other times a lot of other things! ;) )

Even though you feel at peace knowing the other person has moved on, there are moments of despair where you wonder if you would laugh again, or if its just tears and indifference for the rest of your life. Life decides to be a bit kinder just when all hope is lost, though not all in my case cause I'm the eternal painful fountain of hope more about it here (gah!)! Instead of a lemon it throws you some sweet lemonade!
Life gives you exactly what you need when you start feeling that you want life to leave you alone. She makes sure that you don't give on her!! When someone comes along, yes they always do don't they, who is just not willing to see you cry and makes sure that they stay by your side and make you smile and in this case laugh my lungs out! I had never ever thought that i would ever watch the movie- Gangs of Wasseypur let alone enjoy and LOVE the movie! And more over crave to watch the part 2 as well! The list of movies keeps growing.. Even somethings in Sarkar and an old crazy one called Gunda!! Just when i thought i was done with all my first times, here life comes running to correct me, to flood me with new experiences! Finding nuances in movies, and in everything around.. And just laughter.. So much of it that it hurts! There is no need for any societal tags, no restrictions, no possession, and yet its all there, unsaid, unwritten. They say its two hearts that decide the status of a relationship not the name/tags people give it. The reassurance and having someone around no matter what makes you start believing in hope again! Specially when reassurance and companionship was what was missing before. So yes life does do you dome good some times, sometimes in way of a quiet understanding smile and sometimes by ear splitting, tear inducing laughter!! The whole world now seems much brighter. I'm amazed at how someone has the strength to make life seem so much better even when they are harboring so much pain inside themselves. I hope will be able to take away some of that pain and add in to the mutual laughter! :) God bless you my chipmunk (aka bear) :*

It is a lone walk after all.. After all the illusions of all relationship fall away.. After the lights r out n d streets r empty.. It is a lone walk.. With a light breeze n memories for company.. The heart skips a beat sensing footfalls behind.. And wrenches as it is seeing the ever deserted street behind.. Waiting for a familiar shadow.. The shadow of a mischievous smile.. But there is No one to call you back.. And no one to make you stop.. It is a lone walk after all..

The long winding road.. Old trees stooping down with the weight of ages.. Emerald in their shining glory.. The fresh blades of grass dance around humoring the delicate morning sun.. Catching it in their gait And it shies away hiding behind summery clouds.. The long winding road harbours memories.. Sprouting here and there.. The bygones.. Haunting n pretty.. In all their ardour flash before the aged dusky eyes.. As he grasps her hand.. And her smile never wavering reassures him back.. Down the long winding road.. Would you like a walk? :)

The stars twinkled overhead.. And the world slowly started easing up around.. A little known touch became a little more familiar.. The sounds and smells alike.. The lack of need to trust... The lack of need to tag.. The freedom and yet the bondage.. The fear eased its grip a little more last night.. No guard to lower.. And yet layers to peel.. In a slow steady rhythm.. Time rushes past without a glimpse or a glance.. Held together with an undefinable strand bearing time's everlasting turmoil.. Underneath the stars.. The world eased its grip a little more..

It seems like aeons that i was alive.
It seems like life is stuck someplace in some limbo.
And yet not..
Some things are clear like never before, or are they?
The contradiction remains.. Always..
And it brings an amount of peace with it, cause it identifies me..
There is time, there is no pressure, there is just lots of time..
Free unencumbered time.. Unencumbered space..
Just to be with myself..
After struggling and after a lot of action, its time to rest peacefully..
To let the world rage around now..
While i just observe and let life happen..
However it wants to happen..
Its time to give life a chance.. To let it make its plans and for me to just follow..
It is time to lay back and enjoy the show..
To be picked by a random artist and perform with him for a bit..
And then go back to being the audience and watch life play..
Be entertained.. And act at times as life might demand..
To hunger for nothing.. To fight for nothing.. But alone time..
It is time.. to be inactive.. and yet let life make me act..

When you are a part of something huge, and then you are not. When your world revolves around someone and then it doesn't anymore. The shards of the past keep poking at your heart, and it keeps bleeding little by little like water flowing from a thin crack in the pot. You have been numbed by emotions so badly that nothing can be felt any more. You have been blamed for every wrong, when the only thing you did was to love and give. When you gave selfishly, so selfishly that no one else was allowed to give but you. The world passes by in a blur, daily, moment by moment. A blur of color, sound, memories and hopes.. Its all a bad confusion. But there is not desire to solve it. Because solving it would mean going back to the pain, letting go of peace. A desperate plea for help. A desperate desire to change. To not be yourself anymore and yet to be yourself cause you are not that bad altogether!
The numbness becomes your existence, and yet you are hit repeatedly at the same place, and it bleeds. The bleeding never stops, but you stop feeling anything, you are not aware that it is bleeding, you ignore it, cover it up. At times when the cover moves a bit you just sit quietly, serenely and smile as you watch the blood flow away from your body. The whole hurricane of extreme emotions seems to have passed. The intensity, the extremity was sucked and beaten out of you, and left to die, left to rot, and it obliged.
You look outside the window and see the bright sun streaming in.. Its beautiful outside, you feel renewed but empty. Like you always have been. You forget the point of living, and being there in that moment. Everything is stagnant now, stuck in this moment, every moment seems stuck even if its new. And yet it is moving. It is moving you somewhere, without your knowledge but with your consent. The numbness is welcome.
It is difficult to place this feeling, where there is no certainty and yet there is some. You know yourself better. You know exactly what decisions you took and why, you understand them better now. The pain is there but so is the numbness, which is a blessing. The numbness reminds you to be firm. Each shard in your heart reminds you why you need to be firm. And then you smile. Cause this is how it was meant to be. And if it was meant to be otherwise it would've been.

The clouds gather slowly, unnaturally, they seem to have lost their meaning, or their way.. Like i lost mine.. Getting carried away is my nature, which entails getting hurt. A friend recently told me to be indifferent, to stop giving importance to people, to stop letting myself get hurt and to never ever cry again "promise me" he said, to not give away so much, to be selfish.. It doesn't make sense to me. but it does to him.. he has locked away that part of his which corresponds to me. But i cannot, i cannot be like him and he doesn't want to let that part out because it causes pain. Which makes sense, it is what we call "practical". But i resent living a life where i suppress my feelings! I will express, i will indulge even if it hurts! I will stand back on my feet and keep looking. Cause that is how i am made. No matter the hurdles not matter the pain. Like cher says "You haven't seen the last of me".
I will eventually venture out, and i know that friend will eventually let out my bit in him too (god alone knows when! may be when i let in his bit).. but for now this numbness is all i want, its the only thing that's bringing me joy and peace.
It is healing.. Slowly getting me back to myself..

Where does a tormented soul go?
To the barman's luxury tavern
where lights play color
and the heavy bosoms play their tricks?

Does it go to a cheaply shady motel
where weed thrives
and get its lust fulfilled carnally?

Does it go instead to a serene hillock up a mountain
and lay at the feet of some priest?

Or does it just walk aimlessly amongst the forest and the thorns?
keep walking till its feet bleed?

Or does it stop rotted to that spot and vow to never go on again?

Does it keep looking no matter the hurdles and pain?

Where does it go after all, a tormented soul?
Does it ever look for peace again
or does it just lay motionless, indifferent?

What does a tormented soul do in the end?
is there ever an end?

Emily forever!! <3 :) :D


I'm that little person that you take out for the day
I'm that little person that laughs at everything you say
I'm that little person that you're so scared to see fly away
If you say something wrong and if you kiss her right away

And I'm as lovely as a summer's day
I'm as darling as the birds of May
And babe I quite enjoyed the kiss right away

I have that little something that makes you want to play around
I have that little something that you don't want to waste your time
I have that little something but boy I know what's on your mind
Oh my little darling I know how you want to spend your time

And I'm as lovely as a summer's day
I'm as darling as the birds of May
And babe I quite enjoyed the kiss right away

You have that little something that just sweeps me off my feet
You have that little something that makes my heart begin to beat
You have that little something oh boy I like the way you smile
It makes the whole world change it makes me feel like I can fly
You had that little something and now you're gone but I won't weep
'cause boy before you came I never felt that kind of heat

And I'm as lovely as a summer's day
I'm as darling as the birds of May
And babe how I enjoyed the kiss right away

I think this is something i desperately need to do. even jumping in a river if it will help. Its time for me to heal. Its time for me to call back my spirit. Its time to become whole within, with myself. :) :) i feel better already! Hope this story help whoever is reading as it has helped me.. Stories after all are parts of us traveling across mighty distances of geographies, ages, time, races and beliefs.. :)

Courtesy- StoryWeaver (https://www.facebook.com/WeavingTheNewStory)


A true story and one of my favorites from all I ever posted on this page.
Sharing it again for those of you who have not scrolled down through all the treasures buried on the StoryWeaver page since its inception.
"Call back your spirit or die"
A true story told to Caroline Myss by a Navajo Native American:

David Chethlahe Paladin is a Navaho Indian living on a reservation in Arizona. David would laughingly say that his mother was a nun, and his father was a priest. It turns out his mother became pregnant by a visiting priest. She, in turn, decides to become a nursing nun and leaves her son in the care of the extended family of the tribe.

David and his cousin spend a great deal of time leaving the reservation and going into town. They drink a lot, and they think life is better in the white man’s world. The local constabulary is forever returning the boys to the reservation. By the time David is 13 years of age, he is an alcoholic.

David and his cousin decide that this time they are going to make it off the reservation – and they do. They find their way to California, wherein they lie about their ages and sign up for work with the Merchant Marines. During this time, David befriends another young man from Germany. He also begins drawing; some of his sketches include the eventual bunkers that the Japanese are building on the atolls in the Pacific Ocean.

World War II is declared. The US Army tells David that since he lied about his age with the Merchant Marines he has a choice. He can go to jail for a year or enlist in the army. David enlists. He is a teenager.

The army tells David as he is a Navaho, they are going to drop him behind enemy lines and use him as an information gatherer in their special services. David, using his native language, is to relay his findings to another Navaho in the army. Their language becomes a code that the Germans are unable to crack, much less decipher.

David is dropped behind enemy lines. Ultimately, he is captured and interrogated for information. The German officers find him useless and direct that he be sent to a death camp and executed as a spy.

Imagine, if you will, the scenes we all have invariably seen of the railroad station and the platform filled with lines of prisoners being pushed into box cars for transport to the camps.

Here is David. He is being pushed and shoved into a boxcar. There is German soldier behind him saying “{italic}Schnell, schnell{/italic}” (quick, quick). David stops, turns around and looks at the German soldier. It is his friend from the merchant ship. The friend recognizes David and ushers him to a different box car that will send David to Dachau.

In the barracks at Dachau, David sees an older man, a fellow prisoner, drop something. David bends down to retrieve it. The guard, who has witnessed this moment, asks David, “Are you the Christ?”

The guard, then, orders that David’s feet be nailed to the floor and that David stand there with his arms outstretched for three days like Christ on the cross. Every time David would falter and crumple the guards would hoist him up again.

In the middle of the night, someone would sneak in and cram raw, maggot-covered chicken innards into David’s mouth.

When the Allies open up this camp, they find David a mere shell of a man, weighing maybe 70 pounds, and speaking Russian*. They turn David over to the Russians. David later speaks English and gives his name, rank and serial number to the Russians who transfer him back to the US military.

David is sent to a VA hospital in Battle Creek Michigan where he spends the next 2 years in a coma. At the end of two years, his legs are encased in metal braces, similar to what polio patients used. David, a young man, maybe not even 21 years of age, is to be sent to a VA home for the rest of his life.

David asks if he can visit his family on the reservation. The answer is, “Of course.” David literally drags himself onto the reservation. He meets with the elders of tribe. They ask to hear his whole story. David tells them every horrible thing that he endured. He is full of anger, rage and hate.

The elders confer and tell David to meet them tomorrow at a designated point on the Little Colorado River. David agrees and at the appointed hour he arrives. One of the elders tethers a rope around his waist; others remove the braces from his legs. They hoist David up into the air and as they throw him into the raging current of the Little Colorado River, they say, “Chethlahe, call back your spirit or die. Call back your spirit or die.”

And, that, dear readers, is what I think healing is all about for each of us. It is calling home our energy; it is calling home our disenfranchised pieces and parts. It is reclaiming ourselves.

In David’s case, it was releasing all the rage and pain that coursed through his system. It was moving into a place of release, a release catalyzed by forgiveness that allowed him to have the energy to move his withered legs and to reclaim his essential life force.

Those six words, “Call back your spirit or die,” are so powerful to me. They are a mantra for healing and transformation. They are a call to wholeness.

David would later say that those moments in the Little Colorado River were the very hardest of his life. He had to fight himself for himself.

David reported he was able to see the big picture; he understood why things unfolded as they did. For example, he realized that the raw chicken parts were meant as a source of protein to sustain him so that he might live.

David Paladin was thrown into the river as a very broken – and broken on every level -- man. And David emerged out of the Little Colorado River like the phoenix out of the ashes. He had metaphorically walked through the fire, or, in this case, swum through the currents, and had come out alive. He was born again.

To my understanding, David did not need his braces anymore, and he went on to work with priests and addicts. He became a shaman, a teacher and an artist. He died in his middle years in the mid ‘80s.

We all have a certain outlook towards life. We envision our life to be in a certain way. Most of the times based on our conditioning and what we have seen around and the generic conventioaln way of life. Seldom do we decide the things we want purely based on our desires. It is mostly driven by social pressures etc.

Then over a period of time it happens that no matter what you do and how hard you try you are not getting what you desire. Life just keeps pushing you in the exact opposite direction as the one you want. Somewhere within you you want it too cause of certain unfulfilled desires. But you also know that going down that road may not really bring the happiness you wish for. So you again try hard to turn away from what life is offering you at that point of time. But it keeps happening repeatedly and you wonder if you should give in to life. If you should just let life have her way with you instead of resisting. If you should indeed live in the moment?
But then what about all the things which you want? What about the life that you envisioned for yourself? We think this and then go back in out hole waiting praying for life to give us what we want and not what she has planned for you. We resist everything happening around and make ourselves unhappy. And in resisting and whining over our unmet dreams we miss out on the beauty around us. The beauty of the things life is doing for us. The presents that life offers us.

Why do we need to cling to only a certain set of things that too based on the limited conditioning and experiences we have had in life. Why are we so adamant? I think we are just scared to go out of the safety of tried and tested measures and experiences.

So should we just stick to our dreams and a certain vision or shall we let life sculpt us?
Even if we do stick to what we want life has other plans.. Better or worse but those are the plans which are going to happen to us. For the lucky ones life has planned the same as they have.. For the more lucky ones life has better in store.. :)

We need to just let go and let life take over after all life is much greater than the meager conditioning and experiences that our immediate environment has offered us.. :) :) And she will anyway have her way! The adamant child that she is..!

The old mop
withered and thinned over time..
The old mop absorbs..
Everything and anything..
Old oil stains, the expensive spilled juice and the childish jelly candy..
The old mop just absorbs..
It has lost its capacity.. it has withered but it absorbs without a complaint..
The new mop all hard and up tight..
Doesn't give way to anything..
It takes in nothing.. Its full of itself..
The new mop is still celebrated treated with care..
Its used and showered with attention..
The new mop all uptight and unbending..
starched and clean..
The new mop..
The old mop watches..
It absorbs every drop that befalls its embrace..
It cleans relentlessly.. A thankless job..
Awaiting a drop of water..
Getting drenched in no time as the rain crashes its peaceful rest one sunny afternoon..
The old mop is bless.. And becomes one with the river of showers..
The old mop.. :)

Here is life..
Oh so cheaply precious..
Throbbing in each minute..
The beggar, the laborer, the serviceman and the whore..
The elite businessman in his Mercedes, his decorated wife and the abundant children feeding off everything..
Oh here is life..
So over whelming..
Crawling on earth's very skin..
Deeply rooted like parasite..
The child who lost his innocence protecting the little sister's..
The cow frozen with fright in d middle of d road..
And the others idly lolling in d middle of the road..
The soot laden trees hung low in their grandeur..
The men and women the offspring's..
The animals and insects the trees the natural order..
Here is life..
So cheaply precious..
Here is life available..
Abundantly available..

The night was dark, and the day is equally bright..
The dogs on roads on their own lazy stupid cute trip..
Men in uniforms all crisp and tidy.. Alluring in their own proud way..
The trees in a grave-yard more green than any others on the road..
The dead smile at our shenanigans from underneath, peaceful in the everlasting beauty of death..
The sun streaming through dense forests of grey-white clouds.. reflecting a drizzle-less day in its own wake..
It is a day..
Any other day..
But such a beautiful day..
Chirpy, clear, bright and lovely.. As the rain watches over.. From the loving heart of a stern mother..
It is a day..
A day for joy, a day for love, a day for celebrating.. Life! :)
It is a day.. :)

The endless void of gazing into nothing.. Except the screens.. The laptop screen, the phone screen the tv screen..
The joy of healthy physical strain gives some respite at the end of the day.. But the latest attack of boredom is really taking a toll. Though I will finally be doing a bit of something i've always wanted to do this weekend.. Its still a whole week to go! And then what after that?!?! There is a thought of doing something over and above my job. But it requires investment, and a lot of time.. which i have but can't be invested the way it should be. So the boredom hacks at everything in sight. Much to my agony insanity too takes a back seat! So its just a dull haze all over..
Some respite comes from the rain.. Haven't written about him yet this time around.. He just eased himself.. or maybe the anticipation was too much this time around..
The lull which comes from no action or seeming inaction is frustrating leading to imprudent lashes for action. Which end up in even more frustration!! haha.. Its funny actually.. But back to the moping and venting.
No respite comes from the fact that everyone around me is traveling! So that's one area i can still improvise on. Some more home improvement plans are in mind involving some aquatic animals. The plan is in place only the wait for gold is in process(duh! as usual).
Everything just seems to have gone very eerily quiet.. And its not calm its just strange loud crack of silence. Perhaps the calm before a storm? Definitely has that quality. Or perhaps my mind playing tricks yet again :|
Shut up already.
Well so much so for the ranting. Though there is nothing much going on seems like a lot is going on in other people's lives. :| LOL.
Waiting for some more showers or atleast clouds.. Makes me wonder if this is all there is to life.. and if i'm done living.. But I'm sure there is more.. and this is not at all even half of it.. I guess this is the wait and learn phase :| which i so hate! But no option..
So signing off till something happens! :D

Pin-drop
Stony
Cold
Pregnant
Tensed
Stretched
Peaceful

Loud
Piercing
Hurtful
Indifferent
Teasing
Purposeful
Loving
Fruitful
Fearful
Wanted
Imposed
Silence.. Just a quiet hush.. A silence..

Have you ever experienced the joy when you realize something over and over again.. and its the same thing? The joy of realizing that you are capable of loving. That you are capable giving out everything you can without getting anything in return.. That you have the strength to hold on and to let go at the same time.. The realization that you have a bond which is so strong that no matter how many times you try to hack it or the entire world around you tries to hack it down, it still stays! It survives and its flourishes. The realization that your fear of losing, even though aren't baseless, are a bit overrated. The joy which floods your senses when you realize that this is the real you and you have been true to yourself enduring everything every bit of shit thrown at you and yet you didn't let it change the spirit of you.
The fact that love still courses through your veins and that it still brings the same ecstasies no matter what ordeals its been through.. The fact that you are the one who houses this sort of feeling which cannot be killed, no matter how hard they try.. No matter how hard you try.. The joy of the realization that when at the end of the day you are tired of fighting this love comes and puts you to a sound sleep.. It reassures you.. even if all you see in front of you is darkness and behind you is failure.. This feeling within you holds you through.. The immense joy at the realization that one more day was lived and it ended with hope.. and a new one started with hope.. What else does one need? :) The realization that something can bring such joy by itself is joyful.. :)

Fresh new morning.. Strewn with dew..
The past night's nightmares slowly dissolve on stirring thick eye lashes..
The first rays of light bring a warm soft glow.. To her soft dusky skin.. Like molten chocolate..
It takes a moment to realize that the nightmare has passed..
That a new day await her.. New opportunities and experiences..
The the end was in fact the beginning.. Of something new.. something better..
What goes away is never meant to stay..
And so neither will the nightmares stay..
She is free.. for another day..
Belonging only to her self..
And the drops of water which cling to her slender sensuous body now..
The light morning breezes awakens her further..
As she smiles on to the new day..
The end was indeed the beginning..
Another cycle has been set in motion which brings nothing but bigger and better for her..
As for the rest who savaged her soul its d same old rut.. The lies that they live forever..
But it doesn't disturb her one bit anymore..
For the nightmare has passed..
The flower on the balcony is blooming exactly the way she knew it would..
Her eyes lose the glaze as they become dreamy again..
The Kohl dances with ecstasy as she lets it rest her eyes..
A distant land calls..
A string tugs at her heart..
A smile lingers and them blooms fully ravishing..
Her dreams are back..
Unharmed.. Just like her soul is.. Pure.. Honest..
A silhouette lingers too.. just like her smile..
As the robes cover the skin that holds the precious heart..
The sun is in his glory hanging over head heating up the world..
And she knows this end is the beginning that she has waited for..
Forever.. The knowledge and the joy of that knowledge.. deserves a celebration..
She is liberated.. She is free.. She is herself.. only herself....

Rain drops and storms..
cool mild summer breeze..
Heavy headily earth perfumed air..
Crashing winds and blowing hair..
Steaming tea and rain lashing at the windows or clear onto the face.. :) :)
Warm dark room closed curtains and rain raging outside..
Caught unawares on the bike and ripping off the rain-coat..
Soaking the soul in the soothing wetness..
Drowning in its arms and yet floating above everything else..
Rain my love.. When are you coming?
Another year has gone by.. we await you.. Your earth and me.. :) :)
Enough of the wait already.. Come soooooooon!!!!!!

When every thing accumulates.. Love or hate or indifference.. It explodes.. And corresponding actions/ reactions prevail.. And then you move on.. Or.. so you think.. Some lock it up inside.. Some express to kingdom come.. Some ignore it.. But its there.. Acknowledged or not.. Accepted or not.. Celebrated or not.. It stays.. Some becomes very weak and faint almost invisible over time.. But its there.. So its time to not move on.. But to celebrate.. Let it explode.. Into million tiny particles.. Like stardust.. And live on.. As the stardust surrounds you.. Its always there with you.. :) And then sometime along the way it will all come together again.. :) some summer evening.. Riding on the breeze.. "soon".. Like someone used to say.. Soon..

A gift..
I got u a gift.. All wrapped up and complete with a bow..
My heart and my soul wrapped up in the flesh of my dignity topped with a bow of my bloodied tears cause- water is worthless now..
Just for you.. n your kin..
To be stomped on and spat on..
My very soul wrapped up in the skin of all my dignity and filled with all my love..
Or whatever remains of it..
Cause this is what you wanted..
Cause this is what you wished..
Cause it cant get better than this or bigger..
Cause I've loved you.. unlike you..
And will till death and beyond..
So, here is your gift..
A little before time..
I hope you will enjoy it.. I know you have already enjoyed it..
You and your kin.
Happy birthday- in advance.. cause some things cannot wait.

They are aware of everything.. They maybe taught to do certain things in a certain way, but their true nature never remains hidden. They do not lie and they do not cheat. No matter what kind of household they are in, not matter the lies and plotting that goes around them they are always pure. They recognize good in the strangest of stranger.. They have no boundaries and they love completely.. They recognize truth and beauty and purity.. There is something about them.. :) Closest thing we have to the innocence and purity of god.. Like from the animal song.. Animals and children tell the truth they never lie.. which one is more human there's a thoughts now you decide.. :) :)
If your dog doesn't like someone, there is a good reason you shouldn't either.. and if you dog adores someone and "humans" around you don't then there is a good reason to think twice who you live with!! :) :)
Something about them that is just amazingly awesome! :D muuuaaaah to all them animals!! The messiahs of truth and beauty.. and if you have an animal around you your lies and betrayals will be punished.. be it cats or dogs or cows or pigs.. Lets learn truth from them.. Let us learn to love.. So many years of being humans and some of us still have no clue whats it all about! So many years of lessons and still people make silly rules which take them no where and only in depth of despair eventually resorting to alcohol and dragging their families kids in that darkness too!!
I wonder what kind of mothers they are who ensure their kids lie and live a life full of lies! Does motherhood only span across the children who have come from your womb? Some mother don't even care for their own children and only when its in time of need do they turn to their so called children and make their life a mess too! Do we really call such women mothers and respect them for motherhood? Maybe for struggling through whatever issues like any other human but not for being a mother.. Such women are not mothers.. They are just wombs..
Its about time we learn to look with open eyes, listen and understand not just blindly follow..
Look at the animals.. There's a LOT to learn! :)

Love.. in its entirety is capable of more than any other emotion in the world.. To be constructive to build to nurture to heal.. Love.. in its purest form can forgive any crime done by the subject of its expression.. But what about the crimes and atrocities done against it?
If love can be Durga it can also be Kali.. And it will be Kali when it is abused, not by words.. cause words are just that.. When love is abused by actions.. By disrespect by insults.. It becomes poison.. and it eats itself up.. its causes harm and hurt to the ones who have abused it taken it for granted.. but while doing so it causes itself more hurt cause in there is not joy no victory in hurting the one it loves..
A love's voyage was yet to begin when it was demolished by abuse.. not verbal or physical harm but through actions of disrespect and insult. Love is all forgiving and it has forgiven but is this the journey that love has to endure? That it be constantly attacked and misunderstood and lied to and taken for granted? is this what love deserves after giving everything possible to give and bearing such huge amounts of insults at the hands of the one it loves.. it still forgives and gets more pain and insults in return? What sort of people are these? who plot and plan to hurt something so pure? To drive it to such a place where it no sense of self or boundaries remains.. Only remains the desperate desire for peace and freedom from the clutches so such people who are blind? Who are so blinded by god alone knows what that they can't see, they can't hear, they can't feel love.. compassion.. Is everything really dead?
Is this how the voyage of love ends? Before it has even started? Or is this the actual voyage?
Wish i had answers to the mystery of love.. To the feel which conquers everything.. religion, society, human emotions, hurt, insult, boundaries.. Nothing stands in its way.. But this journey is one person's the one who feels it. If it is reciprocated then it wins. But if its not then the voyage continues like an exile.. Alone..
Its a curse that love has to face to be alone.. But the strength of love conquers all.. even the person who feels it.. And this is the voyage of love. A day comes when these people understand and repent. I hope it doesn't happen too late.. Or maybe it is already too late.. Is it ever too late when it comes to love? Maybe not.. love is timeless.. but when it bleeds it is not the same anymore.. it needs love back.. If not the voyage continues.. Cause once you have something so pure there is no escape.. Think of it as a curse or a boon.. Its yours and it will never go away even if you think it has.. Thats the voyage of love.. To stay.. Beyond everything and anything..

Good bye my darling my love.. my companion..
Farewell.. you shall forever be within me..
But i have to let go now.. its time to part..
For im dead within.. maybe someday our paths will cross..
Maybe they won't.. good bye my dear.. my darling blog..
Goodbye CP and BP and good bye my little atom..
I silence you cruelly..
Forgive my sins..
I love you.. but i have to say goodbye..

I love you BP and CP!! :* just re-read my first post ever and fell in love all over again! :D
I love myself.. no matter how much people try to make me hate myself i still adamantly stubbornly keep falling in love over n over again.
I'm my own hero, my own prince charming n my own savior.. my guarding angel must be lying somewhere in a hangover so i'm my own guardian angel too!! :D
I love myself, i love CP and BP.. and in loving these i love those i love much more.. :)
It is difficult to understand my perspectives about a variety of things, so i've come to understand. Some people understand some of them and then not the others.. and some people don't understand anything altogether!
I believe that if one can't love oneself one is not capable of loving anyone else.. and then all these so called declarations of love are untrue.. Sacrifice is never really a sacrifice it is the capability to love oneself so much that the immediate goal is rejected for something bigger for oneself.. Its never for others it always for oneself..
Anyhow lets not digress from the main topic into some "crappy" philosophy of mine ;)

Its great being in love.. specially in love with oneself! I love you :)

CP- no work? wish you would give me some work atleast!
BP- YAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! partahhhyyiiii..... baby.. ilu ilu ilu ilu toooooooo three much much.. :D :*

*CP rolling eyes* *BP kissing her away* :D
I love these two they are so cute!! muaaaaaaaaaah guys thanks for making my day!!!

A fairly feeble attempt at story writing. Inspired from my own life of course. ;) I need a lot of improvement in this form of writing. So all suggestions, criticism are welcome!


It was a lonely train platform on a dark wet rainy night.. The angry intense wind had toned down to a gentle cool breeze, basking in the after glow of the crazy love making all evening.. The tea boy carrying his tin container turned towards me after the last train left.. "One last tea Saheb before i retire for the day?", "I will stay if u want me to though my family will understand.." He adds with a sly grin. With a small smile i gesture him to sit, he makes to sit on the ground but i ask him to sit besides me on the wet bench. I didn't believe in such differentiation. And after all there was not much difference between me n him.. In fact he was much better off.. Happy.. Doing what he wanted.. A family who "understood".. I wondered since when that had become a privilege?! But the answer eluded me.. Like it always had..
The boy sensed something n tried to distract me by pouring tea as noisily as possible in the plastic cup.. I gazed at him as he looked into the distance as far as the rail track took him.. He was happy, i could sense that.. Satisfied atleast..
Then he looked at me.. "Its not about what you have in life right now or what you want or deserve.. its about what you are willing to have.. What you are allowing yourself to have.." His eyes twinkled as yet another toothy smile appeared there.. The warmth of the tea reached out at the same time from the plastic cup.. Making me jump and him laugh.. I grinned back.. After as if an eternity it felt nice on my face, a genuine happy smile.. And then there was silence.... This silence didn't feel labored, tortured like all the silences after all those arguments, after those evil headache from feeling incapable of making any human understand.. Those pained forceful silences with the woman who loved him.. This silence was empowering.. He had done what he had to.. But he had not allow himself to accept it till now.. To accept himself.. Thinking he was evil.. Thinking he didn't deserve it.. But this little kid, in the wisdom all of 12 years made him see the light.. The sullen depression and weight of an answer lightened and then disappeared completely.. For he had accepted himself and his own happiness.. He couldn't wait for the journey to begin.. The same one which he was dreading even when all signs were there.. The rain the biggest of them all.. People cursed it.. Right in the middle of February.. He had chosen to ignore it.. After all those years of relentless efforts the day was finally there and now he knew..
The boy had dozed off, curled up besides him like a big cat.. He had indeed stayed back! I pushed a 50 rupee note gently in his pocket just as a light ting of dawn was visible beyond the horizon.. It was time.. She was waiting.. Like she said she was going to.. And he was ready.. Forgiven, accepted, unbound, understood.. The boy woke with the first drops of drizzle of the day.. As the train approached in all her glory smoke and horn n all.. One last thought crossed my smiling heart.. The healing remained but there was time.. This healing had to happen together.. The boy smiled as be waved a groggy eyed goodbye as I looked at him from the door.. I thanked him.. "Believe saheb.. Believe!!".. And we rushed away into the waiting morning. I never saw the boy again.. We came to the station once years later but he wasn't around.. I asked the station master as a last ditch attempt and got to know he left on a train one day and came back only to take his family along, they were never seen again.. So there was a family and they did understand. Then he took out a fairly battered note and handed it to me.. It said "Believe saheb.. Thank you for making me believe.." The station master smiled too..

The rain comes calling and people wonder why!
Some scared some angry.. They blame it on global warming..
In your eyes i see and in mine do you..
That one drop which fell in your eye said all there was to have said..
The rain soaks through the skin of your eye..
And you close it shut not being able to bear the purity..
Open you eyes and look at the beauty.. The rain brings you the truth..
The rain brings us the truth..
Some call it untimely, and some unnatural..
But it is the truth like the sky and the stars, like the earth that moves unknowingly beneath our feet :)
In your eyes the truth floats waiting..
Constant like the universe..
Constant like you and me..
Stead and still- For now..

--The prawn (re-born, or perhaps never dead) :)

The sky remains and so do the stars..
The clouds cover the blue from time to time..
But the skies are there behind all the covers and all the lies..
You cover your eyes, you close them up so that you can't see the sun..
So that the rain doesn't touch the skin of your soul..
But its there raining hard.. raining itself out on its beloved earth..
One day the lies will break..
One day your eyes will open..
One day the sky will prove its existence..
And then it will be beautiful..
The change that you await is right here,
The moment you let go of the lies!!
Open your eyes to beauty and truth..
A whole new world.. Change, beyond d lies..

A trance green and yellow..
The color of pus..
When a wound is not tended to and let rot
Unreal.. Painless.. A fish like stink..
To be healed by the one who inflicted..
The pus passed over by the infected hand..
A trance breaking a vicious circle..
The pus gloating over the wound..
As the sun pierces through..
Years and years of accumulation
Dry decayed coming back to life..
A trance.. To let go..
To wake up.. To heal..

Excuses are always there. We do something we want there is an excuse. We do something we don't want there is an excuse.
We do something unknowingly there is an excuse, we do something that is something we know we shouldn't do there is an excuse.. and when all other excuses fail there is the ultimate excuse-- I'm only human! Being human excuses us from everything.. Its the ultimate weapon of excuses. And even after this if someone gives you an excuse for not doing something they want, then its time to stick it up their behind! ;)

After all I'm only human! ;)

BP- :| No i'm BP!
CP- and I'm CP :|

Two ends of a rope..
Facing two walls or tied together..
Tied around something else, someone else
Cut the rope, burn it up..
The two ends remain ends..
Connected always, across tied things..
Facing away from each, but always connected..
One balancing the other..
Stubborn and adamant never giving in to the other..
Never changing.
Never melting to the other's direction.
But connected.
None can exist without the other..
There is no rope otherwise.
The two ends of the rope remain-
Connected, Communicating, Constant.

One of the rare moments a fellow bloggers gets to share the limelight with me on my blog!
Take a look: Just cause i liked it! :P

i love you


Keep loving!! :D :)
Life is sooo beautiful! :) :)

and let me tell you, at the cost of sounding like a weather woman, this time when the weather decides to change it just magnificent! not in my usual pervert sort of way but really beautiful.. :)

Cheers!! :)

When we were kids, there was always that one tooth which took forever to fall out. It rested on its hinges but it was too painful to pull it out so we let it be. I used to love moving it all over on its hinges. With the taste of blood oozing out at times. I like the pain when i dug it deep in the gums. i didn't pull it out immediately. It was a pass time, pull it so far as it was attached to the gum only with a tiny bit of sinew, and then moving it around and pushing it hard into the gums. Eventually i did pull it out though. But it was those moments i looked forward to before ever tooth fell. And was disappointed if it fell out too quickly.
Then for a brief period i thought i was going to become a cutter. Thankfully i didn't. Though i did cut a couple of times, i got a grip and let go. Physical pain has always given a high of sorts. I believe it helps us remember we are still human. Usually i go looking for pain, more than trouble.
Doing things which will bring pain knowingly because its the pain that i look for. As the pretty famous text message goes- When we grew up we realized skinned knees were better than broken hearts. As i grew up i realized there is a different sort of pain that i can try without getting any obviously physical deformities (except the eyes). That is falling in love. More than getting your heart broken its the whole concept of falling in love. Its not a game though, lest you guys start judging! *rolling eyes* No. its no fun if its played as a game. Then you won't be totally into it and then the impact won't be as desired! Though eventually it is a game or a mockery because what you what is different from what you are doing in a way.
There is always a need for pain to keep going. Its like a drug without which life seems dull. I just recently realized this when i was cribbing about nothing interesting happening and then i saw something one tv which made me cry. And the peace that engulfed me by way of those tears was something i've experience very rarely. I loved the feeling of having tears in my eyes and a sting in the chest! But the feeling didn't last long because just like i'm addicted to pain (a recently discovery) my defense mechanism is equally stronger! (yeah-- DUHH!) so i've to be very careful about how i employ these two and when! Otherwise one will overpower the other at all wrong times!

Pain is something that keeps me going. That, i believe, keeps everyone going. So stop fighting it and experience the beauty it brings about. The eyes.. It works wonders on the eyes, so long as you know how to use it and not get lost in it, like any other drug! :)


BP- Cheers! With a glass full of pain! A votre sante (ou chagrin! ;) )
CP- Wow BP you are getting cooler! :D :P Atom you are driving me nuts. Now i've to keep up with this!

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesses il s'en fait des manteaux,
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit que...

-- Carla Bruni! <3 <3

Its me! its me!
Tiny flowers and chocolate sprinkles..
Its me! its me!!
I'm purple!
The sky is and so is the moon..
My heart is a wicked purple!
Dark and deep..
Dizzying purple depths!
The rivers of blood and the staring judging eyes..
My wilderness is purple..
The souls that i crushed..
And the curses that the screeched..
All purple with my mirth and cruel laughter!
The suits, the boots, the smiles of joy..
All purple!
The floating feathers from the 12th floor..
The light headed high in the simmering sun..
right before summer starts..
My purple sun.. :) :)
Its me! I"m purple..
And in love! :) ;)

BP- purple people.. peepal.. peep-all.. peep toe.. peep tom.. *la-la-la-laa laa*
CP- hmm.. interesting.. coloring the town purple together i see.. *smile*

You were an obsession..
And then a tantrum..
Dark and luscious..
Oh so tempting..
You were a game..
I played with myself..
Fair and fluffy..
Light on the lips and the hips..
A one, a two, a three, four and five..
You were a tale..
For me to tell..
Sparkling and glamorous..
Foolish for you and your world..
You were a charity..
Poor and impotent..
Only meant of pity..
One milligram you borrowed and added along with tons of others that i bought!

Feels like there's something incomplete..
Back there..
Long ago..
Hidden beneath d sands of time..
Under ashes of fake hopes n new dreams..
There in a time where all was beautiful, pure, innocent, new, un-maimed..
The beginning needs to end..
And then the circle will complete..

Sometimes very few times we get an opportunity to put something right. To heal ourselves. Years after something went wrong, after years of cajoling the same wound, you get an opportunity to nip the poison, though its all flowered out and not quite a bud. But here is my chance, to heal myself if not the other person. We both have been stuck for so many years.. Time heals all only if you allow it to. I did, and moved on. But here is my chance to heal completely. To forgive. The root of all the pains to follow. Everyone reflected that one face from that past time.. The beginning..
It was the beginning of experiences but experiences which had a foreseen end, because the beginning was wronged. And now i set out to make turn it right. To let go in the true sense of the person i was when it all began.. or maybe to embrace the person i was before it all began.. Now is my chance to meet her after all these year. An exact decade is complete, what better a time than now to put it right. And the chance presented itself too.
I hope everyone gets a chance to put things right, even if its after decade. Cause if you don't gel and merge those frayed ends together you are not complete.. Though some of them give you an edge, there are some which tear your person apart, these are the ones that need mending so the other can be enjoyed.. :)

I was looking at all wrong places to get my redemption, at all wrong people. Knowing somewhere deep down it was not going to work. But now it will, the right person and the right time is giving me my peace back.. After a decade of blindly running circles through the wilderness of new hopes and broken dreams.. Now is the moment for peace.. The past with a face shines bright just like the lamp before it goes out! :) And then its all peace...... The atom lives on.. A decade is not even a long time for such realizations :)
The face ready to wipe off all others that had followed.. And eventually itself..

-Chichi

In memory..

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more, death, thou shalt die.
-John Donne (i think he's the poet)


There's a deep void, that is created only by death.
Death of a loved one..
Even if its not someone you know you go into a state of suspension..
Where there is only a buzz in the head.. and nothing anyone does or says makes any sense.
You feel as if your existence is meaningless and you just cannot carry on living..
This feeling has many names and as time passes the feeling does too.. The desire of living, the fight takes over all conscious efforts to remain submerged in the sorrow and pain.
When that eventuality strikes we make conscious efforts to go on living..
Eventually death is the journey that we all await..

But until then death thou be not proud, for you inflict us with pain beyond belief
Until the realization strikes that you are a leveler too, that you free people from the pain of living..
Be not proud, for we are mourning.. The loss of our dear one..

We pray you find happiness where you are Gaurav, and that you will fill that place too with joy like you did for us when you were around.. It is true that the best ones go first.. We pray you are in a much better place than this world..
You shall be alive in our hearts and forever unforgotten.. We will ensure our pain and sorrow will be short lived cause you derive joy from our smiles, and for that we shall be happy.. You family and your friends and people you only acquainted with..

To Sayali Tai, To Raja Kaka, To Ruta, To Bhushan, To all our loved ones who left their lives un-lived..
We will ensure our lives maimed by your death are not in vain.. You live on for us.. and you are missed immensely..




WOW! Maximum page views till date! 53.. Not sure if people are really reading!
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If its anything apart from indifference (which I'm sure it is) then join up (i.e. become a follower) Don't worry your personal information is not going to be used, and no judgments passed!!!! ;) :) perhaps we all can benefit from this! :)

Thanks again for visiting, your views in form of comments will also be welcome..! :)

Cheers,
The Atom

Newly begun and happily ended..
Jutting out at places and smug over all..
A frog swatting a juicy fly..
Greenly glumly satisfied grin..
The poop shall tell yet another story of colors and codes..
A crow gnaws at his own intestine..
Selfishly, greedily, black and grey and an occasional white!
Watching the sun blind his eye..
The rainbow rises above all infinity..
Slowly, unsteadily the smile appears..
Selfishly, greedily content..
An ant climbs up a heap of bodies..
Mates and comrades..
Gloating, proud, a sugary high..
Screeching to the whole world below..
Dead decaying friendships and loves..
Bitterly, sweetly and sourly victorious..
A new beginning and a happy ending..

----------------------- ^.^ -----------------------

A drop of rain, yet again..
A glimpse of green on the yellowed meadow..
Rain my love shall always be..
Flowering like lilies and daffodils around the sea..
The tiny sea, a fresh water land..
New dreams abound..
Like freshly color butterflies..
A grasshopper and a dragonfly..
The horse of the sea jumps up high in glee..
The excitement carries far and wide..
Wisps of candy clouds smile serenely..
And the sea horse lazes about in the wintry sun..
The grass grows now.. and nods in approval..
The child is wild again..
And all is well with the world! :)

The small things from the bygone era. I love them and miss them!
Some of them are:

1) The gift shop era.. Those trips to gift shops with elder sisters on valentines day, buying gifts but having no one to gift! Making small gifts with sketch pens and glittering paper and transparent paper with little red hearts printed, for the family and a few close friends :D aww miss it!!!!!!
2) The way the roads were.. some dust along it always..
3) Falling off bi-cycles and grazing knees!
4) Running out in the first rain!! When cousin screamed to come out and play! When it was only her and me on the road, it was raining so heavily! :D
5) Watering trees and plants with grand-dad's permission
6) School-buses and missing them! ;)
7) Chits passed in the class-room
8) Eagerly awaited festivals, new clothes, dinners out!
9) Small red heart cut outs in greeting cards!! Leaving school bags outside while visiting the gift shops close to school.
10) Singing songs during the school picnic and hoping for the crush to understand the lyrics! :D ;)
11) Standing up for friends in front of the class teacher/principal
12) E-mail forwards!! with those meaningful message.
13) Hoping to get the crush as a partner during computer practical!
14) Gathering!! :D dance practices after school and during school hours!! :D ;)
15) Afternoons with no home work.. afternoons with homework not being done!
16) Early morning homework copying in class
17) Genuine leave notes and forging leave notes, cause mom didn't approved bunking school :P hehehehehe
18) Pretend stomach ache to bunk school, and later on go to school even with real stomach ache..
19) Cheering the cricket team ;)
20) Getting cheered and cheered up by the guys..
21) "A" division.. :) :)
22) Staying back long after the whole school has gone home..
23) Sneaking in the staff room
24) Hating being labelled trouble makers and yet continuing to be them!
25) Half day Saturdays.. walking home form the corner, lovely afternoons..
26) 10th standard vacation and all the books read, all the chocolates, juice and chips consumed.. (thats when i put on all the weight!!)
27) Mumbai visits with the BFF.. :) :) :) :) (hopefully more to come)
28) Rescuing puppies and kittens, being scolded, crying, tantrums.. (eventually i got a pet!)
29) Asking for permission to go out/stay over
30) Pocket money!!!!! :D :)
31) Movies on DD1 on Friday and Saturday nights
32) Early morning serials on Sundays! Shri Krishna, Rangoli, Shaktiman etc etc :) :)
33) Smells, sounds, sights, feelings, certain words and certain people, places..

Wish i could've lived in the older mumbai, like the one in the movie Chotisi baat.

So many things.. many many more.. Of childhood and dreams.. Weaving our own world..
Childhood has disappeared but the child lives on.. the dreams do too!! Now with the capability to make them come true.. :) :) The child lives on.. Bright eyed, and hopeful.. Living it up!! :D

Life's come a full circle. (yes i can't live away from my baby for too long ;| ;) not need to roll those eyes! :D)
The atom was born when i was on a path to move on.. And has been with me through every twist n turn.. Every ecstasy and agony.. She's been my mirror when there was no means of communication or no living being to communicate with.
She's been patient, strong, and always there! No matter how many times i let go, no matter what foolishness i scribbled on her.. She was always there to take me on.. To egg me on.. To show me my true identity every time i got lost in the fog of pain.. She helped me to fight.. And to keep going to.. To never give up..
So yes, i can't stay away from her for long!

Well now to the essence of this post (do NOT roll eyes! :P or just get over with it once n for all :| )
Its been almost a month since a very tragic incident in my life. And it does feel like ages already. Every such incident has shown me the strength withing myself. My capability and hence i realized yet again that if one human can be capable of strength so can every other! So, if someone comes n tells you someday that they can't do something it means they don't want to do it. And your gut always tells you that so trust your instinct. In my case i always ignored it, hope and belief got the better of me every time. And though i know this so well, i might still end up making the same mistakes again. Cause i do hope and believe. I fight for what i want, cause in that moment that is what i want! Yes, it does sound very superficial, temporary, shallow etc.. But people who do have something that is so called "deep", "forever" etc are they happy? Eventually these are the kind of people who try to run away from what they have to find something meaningful, because deep within they are still unsure of what they have gotten themselves into. But so be it, its their choices, though sometimes choices of other people do affect us deeply, its our choice to let them affect us!

So well life has come full circle, there was something that started across oceans 3 years ago, or maybe a bit more.. And it has ended now again, across oceans. It feels weird. Each strand of the past seems to have faded finally, disintegrated into nothingness across the dark fabric of time.. And now this one will too, the process has started already. After all the blows of blame hit on my integrity, the judgements passed on my maturity, on my strength, on my humanity and the whole concept of me.. The process of disintegration finally began. It began a long time ago actually, but me being me kept ignoring it, kept believing, kept hoping, kept fooling myself, kept hurting.. But the gut wins. Not matter what you tell yourself and everyone around, deep down you know, always knew that it was not going to happen. No matter the beauty, the intensity, it was not time. They say some people are linked across the universe across many births.. Maybe that is true.. But time is important.. If its not time its not meant to be..
I just heard a song today which reflects this sort of "janam janam ka sath hai tumhara humara, jabse ghoome dharti, suraj chan sitare, tabse meri najar samjhe tere ishare.. aga na milte iss jevan me lete janam doobara" = we are meant to be together across births, since the time the earth started revolving my eyes have understood yours.. even if we don't meet in this birth we'll be born again for each other..

But for this life the circle keeps going on for me.. There's a twist and here's a turn and the circle completes. No matter what your heart craves what time wants is important.. That is what you shall get, so do what makes you happy and live in the moment. I was letting myself be dragged into being someone i am not.. And that's where things started falling apart.. Being a spirit untamed, even if i want to be tamed i do not well in being tamed. Wild and free as my atom.. :) :)

I realized that my inspiration is not love, not beauty or pain or life.. My inspiration is myself! And what i see, how i perceive, and if i keep my eyes closed to everything around there will be no inspiration! If i refuse to feel, if i deny to move on, if i keep saying no to experiences to doing things that i feel like doing on an impulse or planned then there will be no inspiration!

So it all boils down to me. The atom is mysterious even to me. But a true friend, someone who will never turn away the first chance she gets, someone who listens to only her heart, who is not governed by others around, who is brave enough to stand up for herself and for people she loves, who loves truly and completely, and also forgives equally.. somewhat like me (except the forgiveness part :P ) And so much more!! I've a long way to go to be entirely like the Atom. What started as the atom wanting to be like me has now turned to me wanting to be like the atom!

Life comes full circle and so glad to have found myself "yet again"..
So glad my dear atom for existing and never giving up! :)

BP- Duuuhhhh when had you gone? and WHERE had you gone!?!???!! :O :S what is going on!?!? *soap bubble burst*
CP- I'm not even going to bother saying welcome back now. Go clean your room, its a mess! (wish i could say that, but i cleaned up after you) :)


Me: YAY!! muaaaaaahhhh love you guys!!!!!! :D :D ^.^

Some old on circles