The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

All of us fear things.. Accidents, Failures, Results, Heartbreaks, Loss, Death, and some times happiness and success too!
I was thinking about the obvious fears like accidents, failures etc. Some of us are strong and fight these by doing things that prevent the fears from taking form.. But there are some who are already consumed by fear and end up doing things which make those fear take the exact form they were fearing. I experienced both for a particular fear. I did things which would make the thing i fear happen exactly the way i fear it would.The i caught on, became strong and fought that fear. I eventually topped it.. But what happens between this giving in to fear and then fighting it, is you tend to lose out on beautiful things/moments that you could've experienced during that time.. So when you know you are eventually going to be strong.. That you are inherently strong (and everyone is) then why give up the first time?
Could it be possibly to feel how it would be if what you fear does come true? However, time and again i realize that we cannot let fear win.. There can be weak moments, but its in our hands to stay strong and fight it.. Fears are not reality, reality and truth is what we do.. So lets do away with fear and work towards what we want and not what we fear! :)

I want to go on a trip where i wont have to keep looking over my shoulder.. with no home to come back to.. no one worrying behind me.. and nothing to look forward to.. just the road.. long winding unexpected.. lost..
On a road which holds none of the past.. neither the joy nor the pain..
Where every pain will be a new experience and so will every joy.. and then i will chose which one i like better..
Perhaps then i will fall in love with pain, and hopefully then it will be only pain i get..
Or maybe there, on that road i will have only joy.. and no semblance of pain, where i would've fallen in love with happiness, the way i have now..
I want to go on this trip.. For a lifetime perhaps even of a lifetime..
Where time doesn't take revenge for stealing moments..
Where nature is fair to all..
Where i'm allowed to be all that i am, without being judged and hurt for it..
Where everyone is true.. True to themselves and others.. And lies are only a game they play, and come out at the end of the day's play..
Where you get exactly what you deserve and you know it too..
Where love is valued beyond any jewel..
Where the lover is not treated as scum but respected and loved back..
Where you get peace if thats what you want..
Where patience is virtue but its not forced upon you..
Where everyone is recognized and appreciated and encouraged..
Where everyone is our own and warm..
Where borders melt and so do enemies..
Where weapons are only to kill lies and hurt if their come into existence..
Where purity and justice thrives within all..
Where no one is bound for life..
And yet they are on this trip..
I want to go on a trip....
Of a lifetime..
For a lifetime..

I'll see you there when everyone else is dead and gone..
Lets meet there where we decided we would..
So or i think..
I'll wait there for you..
Where i looked at your retreating back so often..
As i let go now..
With the pain stabbing at every inch of my being..
I'll see you there i know i will..
When the world falls apart..
When you realize you have no where else to go..
I'll be there like i always have been.. Enduring..
When the sky is blue..
And the jay birds sing out loud..
The sun will shine and the rain will pour again..
Lets meet you there, when you are through..
I say goodbye, with fond hope in my heart..
As always..

Yours forever,
The atom
The prawn
The doe
The whoever i was, am and will be :)

Who am i? How many times do we face this question? For some perhaps never, for some perhaps daily, and for some perhaps from time to time..
For me it is quite frequently.
So who are you? What is it that defines who we are? Is it the people that give us birth? Is it the family we are born in? Is it the people we grow up with? Is it the friends we make? Is it the people we work with or for? Is it the person/people we marry? Is it the person/people we love? Is it the person/people who love us?
When i think of it i feel its never the people.. It is only us.. It is our actions that define us.. It is our thoughts, our feelings that define who we are.
I am someone who will not give up when i know what i want. To begin with i mostly do know what i want. I am aware of myself, my feelings, my thoughts..
There are times when our own actions let us down, there are times when other people's actions let us down.. but do we let these define who we are? Do we let these other people have control to define our actions? Are we mere puppets? Do we let situations define our actions or feelings or thoughts? I'm not saying our actions should be against the situation or other people, i'm saying we should not let anything else influence our actions, thoughts, feelings so much that they change to the benefit of others and not to our own self! I'm not saying we all should be so selfish as to hurt others. No, there is a thin line in being selfish and in causing others harm!
If you want to do yourself good needn't always mean you are doing others harm!
In fact there are times when you are to do others good and end up harming yourself.. Is that fair? i doubt.
So who are you?
I know who i am. I'm aware of the choices i make. I will make sacrifices too but its because i want to, not because someone else is asking me to or manipulating me to do it. It means i am selfish, but its does not mean i'm cause harm to others. It means i'm making a stand that i will not be pushed around by these people who try to manipulate me and take me for granted. If they can't see or accept my happiness then they can't claim to love me. I might still feel the same way for these people but they would not be able to claim the same kind of actions from me.
So i do believe that its out actions that define who we are, and actions that we take being fully aware of what it is that we want.

I see the soap bubble man..
As he displays his ware
Sticky and bright..
With substance unlike the rainbow
And yet with its colors and ability to vanish..
He displays his ware to eager children and adults all the same..
I take one packet and he smiles..
Eyes twinkling bright..
They intimidate me and yet comfort me all the same!
As i walk away and tun back to see,
He blows through his pipe a stream of sticky bright bubbles..
I watch in awe and walk home overwhelmed..
Over the days i blow out many..
Some tiny some large and some just about normal..
One fine day i pick up with pipe and create a large one..
Its strong and clear and i call it love..
I watch its progress dumbfounded..
This creation which i never intended..!
Its pretty and brings me tons of joy..
But then suddenly it breaks into much small ones..
They become darker and echo noise..
Harsh noise as they bounce off the walls of my house..
I can't burst them and can't get rid of them in any way!
Scared i try to blow out the larger one again.. But it just won't come..
Mortified i hurry back to soap bubble man..
And he smiles.. A knowing kind smile..
And i'm put at ease instantly..
I ask him for a new pack..
But he says- "You get only one my child"
I'm stunned i blabber out all that happened...
I cry, I beg..
But he smiles benignly- "Its only one each my child. You've to go back and put it right. You'll get it, perhaps slowly. They will be all clear and colorful and bright. But you have to keep trying.."
He smiled and faded away into his soap bubbles..
It was him.. :)
The soap bubble man..