The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

So, there was this one time i visited Balaji, a holy place down South in India.
We reached the city and the temple is up in the mountains, so we had to take a ride in some vehicle till up there. I will never forget the road which led to the mountains. It was a very wide street, somewhat like a highway but in the city, a boulevard with dense trees along the sides, and we could see the mountain right up ahead. Looked quite close up but was not! I would've loved to live in a city with a street like that!! With mountains covered in cottony clouds looming close by and straight un-turning tree-shadowed streets leading right into those mountains.. I think of that road many times..

Cutting back to today. Our place too is cradled between a few hills but there has been SO much commercialization and constructions around that their existence has been over-shadowed and they've retreated into themselves to never show again! Its monsoons but no rain as yet, only dense clouds all around. Today I was riding back home in a slight drizzle hoping that it would rain heavily soon, and there i saw it! Though the road wasn't as straight or wide or as covered with trees as i would've loved it to be, it was still quite a sight..
For a fleeting moment i saw that street running away into those mountains' arms.. the street covered in trees and shadows and the mountains in dense clouds.. and me riding on.. :) quite a sight.. for that one fleeting moment i fell in love.. All over again.. :)

We do get what we want.. if only we are willing to look around.. :) Yay!! :) :)

Wanted it to be a combination of the following photos. With the quiet from one picture and trees and mountains from the other! :)

Apologies for the distorted view, somehow no setting is suiting the picture! But enough get the idea :)

People quit. Some quit smoking, drinking, shrooming, biting nails!!
But there are some others who quit exercising, who quit practicing a sport, who quit dreaming.. Basically who quit living..
These people quit doing what they really love and want to do... Why on earth would they do such a stupid thing then?!!
For a variety of reasons they will say, when you ask them. But in reality there is no reason good enough for quitting these things. There is never any reason for quitting it!
Some might say its shame for perhaps they think they are not worth it, or they are ignoring something else that needs attention.
However, when they love something so much that they are thinking about it every waking moment and even an asleep one, doesn't that thing require their attention more than the thing they are doing?!?!
So if they stick for long enough and fight for it hard enough, they won't have anything to regret about later. Even if things don't work out; and mostly they will work out, cause these are the things we really want.. These are the things which will continue to haunt us with greater guilt, these are the things which will always stay..
So why live in guilt and not having tried enough, when its all in your hands.. When these things have come to you to stay! :)
There is no quitting for me! Never was! :)

CP- hmm fair point. I second that thought.
BP- that meannnnsss.. you won't quit on me!! YAY!! never thought you would either! :D :D hehehhheahaahhahaha
CP- oh BP for godsake! Its things Not people!
BP- ohhh.. but people are things noo...?? Living things.. but then so are animaux!! :S :S crisis!! crisis!!
CP- DUH!! *going mum*
BP- help me out dude!! :|
CP- *HUG!!* i feel for you man!
BP- *watery eyed* really?!?! hawwww
CP- heheh gotcha! :P
BP- muaaaaaaahh i love you nonetheless. "Not quitting"!! :D
CP- Shit. :| but muaaaaaahzzz there you go you made me like you!! :| :D :*

Love you guys!! :D
CP+BP= hmm.. don't smother us now. :D ;) :P :*

Closed loops, full of color..
Each one a different color..
Some a mix of many..
I've quite a few buried in my closet..
Deep down.
Hidden under the accumulated mud of desire..
Unseen for years now..
Wonder if they've faded..
I hear a soft knock from time to time, but i pay no attention..
How would these skeletons be now?
Would they be alive or just bones now?
Should i take a peek?
Should i let them smell the fresh air through their decayed noses?
But which one shall i pick and why?
What if they refuse to go back in, since they so want to be reborn?
What if the loops continue or worse what if they don't!
I uncover them one by one delicately caressing the dust away..
Never completely but just enough..
Wisps of familiar breath on my tired lips..
Old loops fall into unfamiliar patterns now..
Wonder in what surprising dance they wish to lead me to!
As i follow..
Lost in the moment..
They joy of the living moment, right now..
Dancing the colorful butterflies yet again.. for each..
Untamed, wild, alive! :) :)

BP- hoola hoops or loopeety loopeety loops?!?
CP- aaaaand we are back! :D thats my baby!

Is it really true that you have to lose to gain something? Though it does seem to have scarily often with me. But I'm sure its not required to happen. Realizing the worth of something after having lost it is again different.
However, its always possible to hold on to existing things and get new things that we want. Its our life and its our rules that apply. Though people tend to go looking for new things only when they've lost the old ones. Or they tend to notice things they didn't before, and hence, i believe, its said that to gain something you've to lose something..
Why not just be open to things around and not let ourselves be bound by own mind games? Why do we have to lose something to realize its worth, or the worth of new things that come our way after we lose the existing ones?
Isn't it better to appreciate things that we have and also new things that come along? And just hold on to things that we like and want. And tweak or let go of the ones we don't! Its our life and our rules! Unless you don't have your own then you'll have to play by the ones other's have created. But i believe its always in our hands to turn life our way! Its not necessary to lose something for gaining something else! :)

What are roles? a mother, a father, a teacher, a lover, a friend, a daughter, an ex boyfriend..

Why are people so lost in these roles? The entire world just seems to be obsessed with them! So much so that they forget who they actually are.. The person, the self is completely lost behind all of these roles/labels/masks..
People are so confused about who they are or what they actually want, not the role but the person.

Its just too painful and sad to see people doing things out of some sort of responsibility or duty which seems like a burden on them. Things that they don't even want to do as a person, but the role requires it perhaps.

So what do we choose to be our own selves or just slaves to some roles that are tagged to us right since birth till death and even after??
How many of us really try to understand who the person is beneath the sweet, hardworking, loving mom at home? Frankly i've not, it make me uncomfortable maybe. But i do respect her person. When it comes to me she is not bound by all the so called duties and responsibilities that the so called society has tagged to her for being a mother! She is free to act the way she likes or do things that she wants and not what a mother is forced to do.

I think people neither try to give others their right for being themselves and nor do they exercise it themselves. Wonder how many of us actually reflect on these things to even act on them.

Its just so liberating to be our self!! And then the actions tagged as duties and responsibilities would seem sweeter cause they will be voluntary.. :)

Hope some day there will be lesser souls lost in roles....

Its the time of the day
And i venture out again..
The evenings are eagerly awaited yet again!
You hold me like the breeze that caresses my tears away..
Tears built up from all these years..
You look at me like the colors from wild flowers..
Making me blush..
You kiss me like the sweetness from ripe fruits..
Leaving me soul wanting more..
Its the time of the day again..
And i look forward to being swept off my feet by you..
Yet again..
Tarrying with the day's work..
Joy re-discovered..
Nothing holds me back now, nothing holds me down..
Awaiting the moment every day as the clock strikes 5..
My prince charming..
Riding on new Nikes! :)

Be it joy, sorrow, anger, hatred any emotion, any action it is always in your hands.
I believe we always understand when we reach the threshold which if crossed leads us into feeling a certain emotion. Then its upto us whether we want to cross it or hold back.
In my case i've never held back and always gone on and indulged, knowing that perhaps crossing that threshold might have other repercussions. For me i can starkly differentiate when this threshold arrives and when i cross it making it easier for me to decide whether i want to cross it or not.
However over indulging might lead to unpleasant results if it involves other entities which are not on the same page. And then it becomes difficult to "come out of it" or "move on". I believe everyone- living and supposedly non living are naturally optimistic fighters, and hence its not in our nature to easily give up. Mine being more so!
However it is all in our hands. I believe it all depends of whether we decide to cross that threshold. :)

The seed was sown on rainy night..
Or was it summer then?
Days passed and it failed to grow.
She fed it with tears,
and he nourished it with indifference..
Slowly it caught the fungus..
And somewhere started reeking unpleasantness..
She ripped it out of her womb and tore it at the throat..
Her bloodied hands still stink of its soul..
The soul of their offspring..
The murder she willingly committed..
And he allowed..
The offspring always lied about..
The offspring once alive now dead, decayed, suspended..
The offspring free of them..

To ekach unad sawala..
Asach haravlela tumha amha sarakha..
Swatahchya haravlelya jagat..
Kadhi thambel hi sal..
Kadhi disel parat, to ek unad sawala?

Dedicated to my rain.. Dude its about time you pour!! :) :)

Some new pain to take me through..
The old one now molded, moth eaten..
Used too much, rugged..
Now some new pain.. better or worse than the old one..
But newer.. crystal clear..
Sharp in the eye and the belly..
Not like the dulled old knife..
Which lost its charm out of abuse..
Some new pain..
With lilies and lies perhaps but new..
And known..
The key to a newer vision..
Skewed perhaps, but away from the old..
Some new pain to caress the old one out..
Food for the craving dark soul..
Pure and crushed oozing ..
Some new pain to lift the carcass through..
Some new pain.. So me and you..

Yet again..
From the clutches of my own self..
Of the beliefs and the trust which i kept gripped tight..
Snap goes the strand and i dissolve the connection of my own accord!
I liberate myself, not after any rotten bitch's word but my own..
My prince freed me from a weak love's deadly grasp..
My prince charming.. My self..
Freedom taste sweet.. but sweeter yet will be indifference.. which shall come in tow..
Freedom.. of the self from the self by the self :)

This question has been nagging for quite some time- Where have the rains disappeared?! Clouds seems to be hovering around since mid-May, they seem to have become denser but for some reason they don't seem to want to break down upon us!!
Wonder why. Is it cause everyone seems to be thinking of the "doomsday"? Its about time to stop being lazy and not change our ways.. or even our thinking for that matter. Cause if we just keep thinking that its not going to work, it just might as well not work.. There is not an iota of positive thinking. Why on earth would the rain come down then? Who would like to be cradled in such negativity?
About time we start thinking positively and doing our little bits to fight all sorts of pollution etc, and all this is going to start with just changing the way we think AND out thoughts!! atleast from negative to positive..!
And then it will rain, my dear rain will rain down and drench us all along with this darling!! :)

Will you make it cease?
Will you draw a close?
Will you allow me to love?
Will you allow me to live?
Will you allow yourself this one honor?
Will you honor.... all that has gone by...
Will you let it not be wasted in vain?
For if not then its time....
Its always been time..
Would you offer me my alms..
My rightful place?

Pause or full stop?
Pause usually seems unnecessary..
What you are actually saying is a full stop and a good bye.

Sleep- unending tired
Crowded lonely nights
Its funny how you've got to stop..
And just can't..
When you just want to keep going..
And there it hits you right across your eyes..
The light of day..
And you know its just water you were groping at
from within..
And that's all you have as the day progresses..
Into another night..
For another unending sleep..
Sleep my child and may you never wake up to the light of this day....

Mere jaise lakhon mile honge tujhko piya
Mujhe to mila tu hi..

Hadha hissa mere toh dil ki kahani ka tu..
piya main baki aadha..

Tumse hi din hota hai..
Surmayee shaam aati hai..
Tum se hai..

aao ge jab.. tum o sajana..
Angana phool khilenge..

Empty sounds..
Prettily formed..
But yet empty..
Meaning lost somewhere in a haze..
Wonder when and where..
Now they are just sounds..
Ghosts devoid of a reflection in the mirror that i put up..
When will you come through, come clear of the haze?
Words were my only solace and you stole them too..
Leaving me with ghosts.. of all kinds..
A big ship once warm full and alive..
Now anchored vacant, abandoned in a dead lonely sea...
With only sounds of waves crashing into an unknown shore in the distance..
Empty sounds..

Cafe Nervoza
Crescent Whirlwind
Cynic's Twist
Dreams half dreamt.
Ink Thoughts.
Malone, You Say?
Musings and Rants
Out of the night
pseudo emotions
Random Blabbering
rhythmic memories...
Such a cow.
The Brewing Business
Tranquility Cove
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
A Bitter Sweet Symphony - This Life...
An Unknown Sign

Some live and some in a limbo
So deeply awaited
And some just there..
Some removed and some recently added..

He said..
And here i'm faced with so many!!
Laughing at me in the face..
Laughing at me for the choice i made..
Laughing at me cause i cannot choose any of them any more..
Possibilities he said.. And anchored me for life..
And yet here i'm face.. with all of the others he never spoke about..
Here they are to haunt me, taunt me poke me in my eye..
Those that he never spoke of..

Drifting away...
Painfully at first,
Then the water rises to offer some calm..
The silence offers up some peace..
It slowly starts sinking in..
And the skin opens up to accept the surrounding..
I drift away..
Nothing comes out now..
No tears and no anger..
Just taking everything in now..
Whatever remains.. and whatever life has to offer now..
Drifting away from dreams, beliefs..
Anchored like never before, and yet drifting..

Guardian angels do exist.. One paid me a visit last night.. Now i'm certain this too shall pass.. They come to you in various forms, last night was an ear to listen and a word to reassure in human form..And when it comes without ask for it- its precious and more effective than anything else :)
Specially when you've been reduced to nothing and tired of asking someone and being refused each time..
Thank you my guardian angels.. To all those who've been this for me knowingly and unknowingly but specially you A.G. and C.Jo :)

Moving on..
And it matters not..
Life goes on as usual..
The sun rises and the leave rustle away happily..
The rain only seems to be shying away..
But then how does it matter any more..
Its just water dropping down..
Moving on..
Of broken dreams, hearts, trust and everything that goes with it..
Moving on..
No one to call your name..
No on to even try to hold you back..
Not that it matters..
You just move on..
Hoping that someone will somewhere sometime..
That it will matter then..
So till then moving on..
And yet another page turned..
Hopefully the last one..
Moving on.. to the end..

Its just sad when you know what is going to happen and it happens.
So wish at least once things would change for the better.. But it seems like its not meant to be.. Seems like someone just doesn't want it to be.. So why to hold on it? Because i want to? Maybe it will eventually wither and slowly slip from my grip some summer evening.. When I'm too old to even get up from my chair in the near by cafe to walk back home.. When eyes are too weak to see into the setting sun.. Maybe then i will see a figure limping towards.. Maybe not even then... Maybe then it will slip away.. Maybe not even then..

I got my owl!! :D :D :D :D


A free evening
A different perspective
Freedom from a necessity, when it ceases to be mandatory..
When you know you don't need it..
A realization of the self..
All over again...
A different smile..
A new place, somewhere within..
Peace- exactly where it was to be found..
A revision of the same lesson..
though the exam is never done!
Someone.. within.. and someone outside..
Here i make my peace.. with destiny.. :)

How is it that you have something and yet you don't?
Is it like the cash you keep at the bank?
But at least there you know you can have it any time you want..
You keep it there for safety..
But now its as if the bank itself is the monster, eating up what you gave it for safe-keeping..
Or maybe you never did!
The only place it would ever be safe is with you..
So how is it that you have something and yet you don't?
Then do you really have it?
Or are you just hiding behind a known illusion too scared to acknowledge and accept the truth- that you don't have it?
But how could it be that you don't have it?
Maybe you have it but its not yours..
But you know it is yours, so perhaps you don't have it and its yours?
How does this work?
And however it does, how do you make yourself work with it?
Specially when this is not something you want!
When you want it to be yours and to have it with you all the time!

Freely they flow..
Accusing the past as if long gone..
How does it matter if its long gone or just gone..
Its the past nonetheless..
You walk away..
And let me walk too..
How does it still tug a places within i knew not existed?
If its all gone..
If you are not here any more?
How does it not go?
How is it still here?
Why cannot i be free?
And yet why am i free?

The hollowness tries..
Tries very hard to sustain...
But your love fills it all out..
And yet the hollow tries to live..
The fight is at its edge..
And sparks fly..
Unseen to the world..
Like rain drops fall from a sky full to bursting with clouds..
Sparks fly from the effort..
It might pour any minute..
I try to take shelter
till i realize its within me..
The hollowness and the fullness...
And yet they fight..
Waiting.. Forever...
To end everyday with a lost hope..

She didn't answer...
I called her once, twice, thrice..
Her name sounds so meaningless now,
Now that your voice refuses to caress it..
Sometimes she doesn't even respond to it..
As if it is no more her's..
The name sounds so weird now..
As if its not even a name..
Not even namesake..

Another day,
another sun,
another search for meaning,
another search for running away..
another day,
another breeze,
without your smile..
Just another now my life..
Just another someone for you..

One of the very few times some words which are not mine on this blog:

Chitthi na koi sandess..
Jane hai kaunasa dess jahan tum chale gaye..

A brush of breeze
seemingly familiar..
A look behind
A smile to self
as if in a mirror..
A deep pang
And a void
Forever the void..
The fear of thinking..
The fear of feeling any more..
As if a dam will burst
and everything will spiral out of control..
so the void..
Plain simple void..
Glazed over, dazed..
A void..
and a smile..
Always the smile..
A void..