The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

In love,
and out of it..
Me being my self
and then being yours..

A canvas lays ahead of her..
White and bright waiting..
She picks up her tools and paints..
Pictures and memories..
While increasingly marred with the same color within her soul
She darkens, with love, the same color..
Smiling away at the warmth and pain it brings..
And she paints at her canvas..
Rubbing and slashing until its torn
And can take no more..
She looks with tears at her canvas
that she pour over so much love..
It was torn now beyond control..
She went away for a while giving it a chance to recover,
but it refused..
For she gave up but it didn't..
The canvas of her life remained torn..
In peace..

Lost and powerless gulping the salty water around..
Words are drowned and don't even sprout beneath the salty frozen air..
As if i knew you in some other life time..
But strangers in this one..
I tried holding on to your face..
My nails dug deep..
blooding the beauty of your features..
And yet its only skin that is only nails now..
My colored nails..
The skin is mottled, and eyes are wet with flesh..
And the ravines feast on the once alive love in them..
The sit with their dirty feet and eat the same skin..
Maybe their mother taught them nothing..
Oh, but mine did..
As i try to remember where i had met you..
From memory which is now a foe..
Memory defies and all else fails..
I give up and just sit back down to nibble on the skin caught in my nails..
While the crows eat up the eyes..
Doe-y eyes, i remember something.. But again- memory is a foe..
They claw and tear.. till i am all dead and dry..

She beat her fingers at the drum's rhythm, lost.. while he drank her in.. Maybe she knew this too! He never witnessed a procession so closely, let alone be a part of it. But now he had done and continued to indulge in many things he had never imagined himself doing. He followed his heart now. He could feel his heart beating to the tune and eyes snapped open to stare deep into his. His stomach clenched, she laughed and it un-clenched. She continued to look around and occasionally smile or wave at an acquaintance. There was no one here who would know him.. Just like there was no one who knew her at that party, and yet she was so composed. Shit scared yet calm. He was very uncomfortable but warming up to the experience as his heart was thumping around. He remembered the impending war he was going to have to fight, but he dismissed it for now, felt his lips curl and a whistle blow. She looked back at him and gestured that they could leave. The procession was nearing the close and she wanted to sneak out with him. Though there was no on to stop her. "So, Mr.Sax get a tasteful of desi beats?" And the smile, always the teasing yet innocent smile, and the sparkle in her warm Oak-wood colored eyes that so haunted him when he was away. She clasped his hand very firmly. She did this often these days. It told him, no matter how hard she tried to make him feel she knew everything, she too was terribly scared. The war was on her mind too. Realizing she had done it again and shook her hand away.
While she started her bike talking about where to eat now, wrapping her colorful scarf on and he look away to the ebbing sounds of the processing and connoisseurs cheering in the distance..

He watched the light flickering on the chairs while he waited. Vehicles flashed past and the lights accompanied him. He waited here every evening knowing she will not come. The brown color of the wood reminded him of how her eyes sparkled when she smelled coffee beans. It didn't matter what blend they were. She never knew. He doubted she could even tell the difference between two distinct blends; but it didn't matter, she just loved coffee. The way she loved rain, no matter when it poured. Like it did in November this year. She enjoyed it as if it was the first rain of the year. When each drop engulfed every dry parched particle of the scorched earth in its embrace. The year was a blur, completely out of place for where he came from. Just like the lightening which shine across dark clouds gather at the horizon whereas where you stand the sun is shining brightly. As if the clouds too are mocking you.
He never thought of such things, never acknowledged rain more than a grimace and donning on rain gear. Forced himself to be engrossed in the world he had created for himself. A world he was led to believe was the ideal way to be. A world, the basis of which had disappeared now, and it only hung on one of the many thin wisps of smoke suspended in the thick air of his fears.
Another flash of light shook him out of his reverie, it was time to go home. Back to fake smiles and a heaviness that would be lifted only tomorrow at the same place.. Waiting seemed more joyful that anything his world had to offer.. Even if it brought pain..
Heavily he lifted himself off the wooden chair, and walked on, only to pause momentarily to caress the back of the chair sitting opposite him all this while..

I love typing..
And writing..
messing the plain canvas..
with my thoughts.. :)

Learning to live..
All over again..
Life after death?
Or learning to live death..
It feels different,
Though very familiar
Fears coming true..
Like i said they would..
Regret is all that remains for me..
Regret for things that took too long..
Regret for things that were not in my hands..
Regret.. colorful like the rainbow you promised..
Regret.. sharp like a shining star's stingy corner in my eye..
Regret.. warm like flowing blood..
Learning to live..
And otherwise..

It rained someplace..
Someplace far off..
Could it be the place, you were here?
Could it be the place we both were?
It rained someplace..
Someplace green..
Was it just around the corner?
And yet so far away..
It rained someplace old..
Someplace quaint..
It rained like never before..
The clouds astounded themselves..
A moment of belief..
And of dreams realized..
A moment of peace..
And then the storm continued..
Though it rained someplace...
A little while..
Wonder where.. :)

Alone in a crowd, like you are
Confused about what to do, like you are
Lost in the shadows, like you are
Muddled, messed in the head and maybe the heart, like you are
Willing to die, willing to kill.. will to destroy..
Grayed out, faded, jaded, tired, old and sold, like you are
Missing out on my moments, missing out on life, like you are
Caught in a constant loop in the distance, like you are..
And yet here i am- like you are not..

My star is born today..
Little by little he grows..
Into himself the true self..
Sprinkled with smiles and dreams..
Its him at the core.. always..
The star on my cupcake.. is you..
Happy birthday my bull..
May your horns be sharp
and your hoofs strong and clean always.. :)
Wishing you a meadow full of joy..
And flowers of love blooming everyday..
With dreams swaying lush green only a touch away..

Your fragrance lingers..
Try as i might to flee, it deepens..
Deep in my skin, like nails dig in out of fear..
Eyes on the brim of overflowing..
Always overflowing..
I stop breathing.. stop smelling..
It lingers within..
I try to tear it out.. but get my hands on only blood and guts..
Where does the smell lurk?
Hiding in the darkness of my own soul mocking me..
Chopping away at my mind...
Your presence.. Arrogantly absent..
Stark naked in the darkness of my soul..
Absent.. like your breath..
Sharp tingling like the dark vile liquid cutting through my lips..
A solid vacuum that i can eat and lick..
As i tear at the curtains..
And the soil around.. That mock my belief..
A distant memory calls me back..
Back to it in the past future..
Where you were alive..
When bridges were to be crossed, where bridges lived too..
A sparkle, a turn, a whiff and a glimpse of you..
Maybe during a distant stitch on the fabric of time..
Dazed as i walk into the dawn..
Abandoned by you for me to chew on..
A fragrant vacuum to light my steps..
Towards your dawn....

Bake me a cake, would ya?
of all the flavors you like..
Fruits and flowers.. and all bright things..
Stars and the sun.. and all big things..
Bake me a cake, would you?
of all that is pure and true..
of dreams and desires realized..
Bake me a cake would you?
And top it with a kiss..
To seal the flavor and the fat inside! :) ;)

You offered me left over morsels..
It was all you had to offer..
The most delicious ones to ever touch my tongue..
It was all you ever had for yourself..
Never fed to anyone else more lovingly..
These left over morsels of time..
Yours and mine..
Now, a respectful meal awaits....

A trickle of laughter
cutting through the grey
Turns a stream and then an ocean..
Deep dark and blue..
Chrystal clear..
And the grey heap of the past years
from the times you were a stranger.. is demolished..
It peacefully makes way for joy..
And happily gives away..
For it knows better than to fight truth and love..
Laughter.. a trickle is all it needs :)

He faded into the background,
Like the furniture around..
Over time, over many carefully manicured hands and feet..
People rushed in and out, sometimes stayed longer..
Sounds of laughter reached him some times, but vanished by the time he opened his eyes to see where they were at.
There were tears too, he failed to feel them on his dry mottled skin,
And the times when he did, he was too tired to wipe them off so he drank them in and stored to pour them out again sometime
He faded into the background,
While she entertained them all,
Unaware of his presence, unlike the carefully chosen curtains and ornaments above the fire place..
He looked out of the window at times, which was open or closed as per her preference..
At the wide open spaces beyond and a pond..
But he was bound, to a tale, an imagination existing only in their minds..
They both decided to let life pass,
His as the background
and Her's not even on the same canvas..
There was a distant voice tugging at his heart string, just the one.
He didn't even dare to look up or being to understand..
For the fear that even the tugging will vanish.. like his life had, for the choices made, for curtaining himself like the colorful fabric hanging at various places in the house.. only difference is they were touched and he remained virgin..

I've been abusing you, for quite some time now..
But i remember it wasn't always like so..
We came to a turn-about and then went separate ways..
For a while perhaps.. But we sure did..
And then we came back to a place where our paths ran parallel like the lines drawn with a geometry set..
Never meeting, just running parallel.. so we ran and yes together but never with the other..
I don't remember when the abuse started, but it was sometime when we realized that we can't live apart..
And yet there was this huge gaping valley between the parallels..
The abuse started then..
When we realized that one cannot do without the other..
Love, lust, habit, choice, need, dependency, game, destiny..
The names are many.. But abuse flashes through them, leaving a trail..
Like blood on water from the place when the hurt animal stepped into the pond..
It has a root which is like smoke.. Like thick smoke crushing the air out of his lungs..
Somewhere along the way, the abuse started..

You came when i needed you..
I refused to look and to feel..
But you were there.. Just for a glimpse perhaps..
But there with me.. the warmth of your lovely cold drops filling the air around..
Pacifying the earth and my soul alike..
But i refused to feel it, for i refused to lose, even if it were for your love..
For once i wanted to be stubborn, like you always are..
Master of your own ways.. and yet now a puppet at the hands of man..
Forgive me for i didn't hold you in my arms..
A greater sin was even, for not letting you into my soul..
But you stay.. always.. within..
Thank you for coming to me.. When i needed you the most..

For the rain last night/wee hours of today morning.. :)

I can smell you from afar..
Tempting wafts of warmth..
But I'm dry, while she stands drenched
You are meant to be here in my arms..
But you are far,
Oh, so far away..
With only a distant sight and a slight breeze to carry your coming to me..
You come over her.. Unannounced..
While I'm left here, dry to die.. Waiting for even a glimpse..

No stars twinkle in my sky
And no sun shines..
Its just a cold cruel wind for company
Across the desert that is my heart
Frozen on the lake of life..

Rain washed country side. Such a refreshing sight early morning. Assorted animals grazing in the wet grass smelling the wet red mud.. As girls in clean pressed uniforms cycle to school smiling, in the slightly chilly rain-filled air, away on a tiny mud path.. While the green mountains watch on, in the cloudy laze spread all over the country side.. :)

I love travelling by train.. Single seat by the window.. Feeling the paper and the print as the evening sun streams in.. The colorful characters serenade me as i look on and ride into the setting sun.. :)