The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Adieu is a farewell.. Its not au revior which means see you later. Au revoir is usually in our hands, in the hands of the person saying it and to whom it is being said. Adieu is in the hands of god. When the person saying it does not know if or when he/she will see the other person again. Usually its a good bye.. Till such a time that god sees fit, if at all.
So here is an adieu.. From The Unstable Atom to everyone. Her readers from the virtual world. Its a sorrow that i've to say good bye.
I will leave you with reasons though, unlike some of us who just go away leaving things unsaid, and lives unlived.
The Atom changed a lot in the past two years just like i did. The inspiration for most of the writing has been love- The pain and joy from love, also some things which i observed around.. Has generally been about my perspective of the world.
However, life now seems to be stuck in a limbo and there is nothing but frustration abound within. I'm at a place where even if i want to change the way i feel i can't and i don't quite believe in fooling myself or manipulating my feelings! So, nothing i do helps and so doesn't make any sense to write any more, since there is nothing coming out of this state of mind. The Atom has been by my side whenever i've needed a friend, someone to vent feelings out to when there was no human around to do so. Its been my voice when there was no other way to communicate. The atom is very dear and sacred to me, and so i don't want to spoil her sanctity any more than i already have in the past few days/months where i've done her no justice. I've been more unstable than ever in my decisions and thoughts. And even if the atom is unstable, it is not to such a level where she starts to wonder who she is. She was never at a place where she felt her words cannot convey anything or are just causing more and more trouble than solving any, where her words started losing their importance or appeal and only drove people away! The Atom is a reflection of my soul only a little better, and so i'm giving her the respect she deserves.
So an adieu is in order. I will not be writing anywhere else, not online, and not in any person offline journal either. Atleast not till the time i start feeling one with myself again.
If you can please pray that the atom can find her solace again in instability or in stability.
Thanks a ton for being such awesome readers and for considering my words worth of your attention!
CP and BP shall ofcourse continue the journey with me..
It was great being here.. Lets see what god has in store.. Even if many times we painfully want it to be in our hands- our pain and our joy, its all after all in god's hands.. So far i've always done things the way i wanted, atleast i like to believe so. So, its his turn now! A Dieu!

Copying a teacher, whom i lost out of a very terrible misunderstanding:
Ab ke hum bichde to shaayad kabhi khwaabon mein mile jis tarah sookhe huye phool kitaabon mein mile...

Can't write! There's this plain canvas and i've got all the colors i need and yet i just can't write.. Its become a pattern and possibly there is nothing new to write.. Its just the same things happening all the time.. There is nothing different.. In one of the most important aspect of my life, its just stuck in a limbo and there's nothing new to say or write.. its just the same things.. This rhythm needs to break.. This situation needs to change.. But what do you do when its not in your hands!? People say if its not in your hands worrying is not going to help. But what do you do when every waking moment thats all you can think of? You go through a lot of trouble to do something nice for yourself to make yourself happy, but that changes nothing, you come back at the end of the day and there is it to haunt you! Everything else that you do to make yourself happy is fake, cause you are not happy within naturally.. I've had enough of this and need out, but i need out in only one way, which is not in my hands.. So what do i do? I choose to remain rooted in this shit, and hope pray to god that some one will notice and change. Make the change which is in their hands alone. And i hope to god that what i've held on for so long doesn't go down the drain or its going to be all in vain.. i hope they realize this too.. Cause then all that everyone has gone through is really in vain.. And its so funny cause its in the hands of only that one person.. Just hope and pray its soon.. cause its been too late already.. Just wish they notice and ACT!

you were a wish on the breeze..
you were a breeze in summer..
you were the heat of summer..
you were the entangled limb in heat..
you were the strength of my limbs..
you were the heart of my strength..
you were the joy to my heart..
you were the core of every joy..
you were the core of me..
and i was yours..
Are you still?
The breeze comes through.. let it
The heat is there too.. let it stay
The strength of the core as not diminished.. see it
The joy is only inches away.. embrace it..
Will you?

I'm in a relationship with my phone..
He's there for me when i need
With something or the other to cheer me up
All he needs is some battery charging time when i sleep..
He stand by me through thick n thin..
Through fights and romantic nights..
He never complains and is always there when i need..
And the best part is i can carry him around everywhere!
I love my phone! :D :P

CP- I hereby declare that she has now veritably lost her mind!!
BP- So he does sleep with you?? hmmmm? :D :P ;) :D *fishy* *naughty eyes*

All of us fear things.. Accidents, Failures, Results, Heartbreaks, Loss, Death, and some times happiness and success too!
I was thinking about the obvious fears like accidents, failures etc. Some of us are strong and fight these by doing things that prevent the fears from taking form.. But there are some who are already consumed by fear and end up doing things which make those fear take the exact form they were fearing. I experienced both for a particular fear. I did things which would make the thing i fear happen exactly the way i fear it would.The i caught on, became strong and fought that fear. I eventually topped it.. But what happens between this giving in to fear and then fighting it, is you tend to lose out on beautiful things/moments that you could've experienced during that time.. So when you know you are eventually going to be strong.. That you are inherently strong (and everyone is) then why give up the first time?
Could it be possibly to feel how it would be if what you fear does come true? However, time and again i realize that we cannot let fear win.. There can be weak moments, but its in our hands to stay strong and fight it.. Fears are not reality, reality and truth is what we do.. So lets do away with fear and work towards what we want and not what we fear! :)

I want to go on a trip where i wont have to keep looking over my shoulder.. with no home to come back to.. no one worrying behind me.. and nothing to look forward to.. just the road.. long winding unexpected.. lost..
On a road which holds none of the past.. neither the joy nor the pain..
Where every pain will be a new experience and so will every joy.. and then i will chose which one i like better..
Perhaps then i will fall in love with pain, and hopefully then it will be only pain i get..
Or maybe there, on that road i will have only joy.. and no semblance of pain, where i would've fallen in love with happiness, the way i have now..
I want to go on this trip.. For a lifetime perhaps even of a lifetime..
Where time doesn't take revenge for stealing moments..
Where nature is fair to all..
Where i'm allowed to be all that i am, without being judged and hurt for it..
Where everyone is true.. True to themselves and others.. And lies are only a game they play, and come out at the end of the day's play..
Where you get exactly what you deserve and you know it too..
Where love is valued beyond any jewel..
Where the lover is not treated as scum but respected and loved back..
Where you get peace if thats what you want..
Where patience is virtue but its not forced upon you..
Where everyone is recognized and appreciated and encouraged..
Where everyone is our own and warm..
Where borders melt and so do enemies..
Where weapons are only to kill lies and hurt if their come into existence..
Where purity and justice thrives within all..
Where no one is bound for life..
And yet they are on this trip..
I want to go on a trip....
Of a lifetime..
For a lifetime..

I'll see you there when everyone else is dead and gone..
Lets meet there where we decided we would..
So or i think..
I'll wait there for you..
Where i looked at your retreating back so often..
As i let go now..
With the pain stabbing at every inch of my being..
I'll see you there i know i will..
When the world falls apart..
When you realize you have no where else to go..
I'll be there like i always have been.. Enduring..
When the sky is blue..
And the jay birds sing out loud..
The sun will shine and the rain will pour again..
Lets meet you there, when you are through..
I say goodbye, with fond hope in my heart..
As always..

Yours forever,
The atom
The prawn
The doe
The whoever i was, am and will be :)

Who am i? How many times do we face this question? For some perhaps never, for some perhaps daily, and for some perhaps from time to time..
For me it is quite frequently.
So who are you? What is it that defines who we are? Is it the people that give us birth? Is it the family we are born in? Is it the people we grow up with? Is it the friends we make? Is it the people we work with or for? Is it the person/people we marry? Is it the person/people we love? Is it the person/people who love us?
When i think of it i feel its never the people.. It is only us.. It is our actions that define us.. It is our thoughts, our feelings that define who we are.
I am someone who will not give up when i know what i want. To begin with i mostly do know what i want. I am aware of myself, my feelings, my thoughts..
There are times when our own actions let us down, there are times when other people's actions let us down.. but do we let these define who we are? Do we let these other people have control to define our actions? Are we mere puppets? Do we let situations define our actions or feelings or thoughts? I'm not saying our actions should be against the situation or other people, i'm saying we should not let anything else influence our actions, thoughts, feelings so much that they change to the benefit of others and not to our own self! I'm not saying we all should be so selfish as to hurt others. No, there is a thin line in being selfish and in causing others harm!
If you want to do yourself good needn't always mean you are doing others harm!
In fact there are times when you are to do others good and end up harming yourself.. Is that fair? i doubt.
So who are you?
I know who i am. I'm aware of the choices i make. I will make sacrifices too but its because i want to, not because someone else is asking me to or manipulating me to do it. It means i am selfish, but its does not mean i'm cause harm to others. It means i'm making a stand that i will not be pushed around by these people who try to manipulate me and take me for granted. If they can't see or accept my happiness then they can't claim to love me. I might still feel the same way for these people but they would not be able to claim the same kind of actions from me.
So i do believe that its out actions that define who we are, and actions that we take being fully aware of what it is that we want.

I see the soap bubble man..
As he displays his ware
Sticky and bright..
With substance unlike the rainbow
And yet with its colors and ability to vanish..
He displays his ware to eager children and adults all the same..
I take one packet and he smiles..
Eyes twinkling bright..
They intimidate me and yet comfort me all the same!
As i walk away and tun back to see,
He blows through his pipe a stream of sticky bright bubbles..
I watch in awe and walk home overwhelmed..
Over the days i blow out many..
Some tiny some large and some just about normal..
One fine day i pick up with pipe and create a large one..
Its strong and clear and i call it love..
I watch its progress dumbfounded..
This creation which i never intended..!
Its pretty and brings me tons of joy..
But then suddenly it breaks into much small ones..
They become darker and echo noise..
Harsh noise as they bounce off the walls of my house..
I can't burst them and can't get rid of them in any way!
Scared i try to blow out the larger one again.. But it just won't come..
Mortified i hurry back to soap bubble man..
And he smiles.. A knowing kind smile..
And i'm put at ease instantly..
I ask him for a new pack..
But he says- "You get only one my child"
I'm stunned i blabber out all that happened...
I cry, I beg..
But he smiles benignly- "Its only one each my child. You've to go back and put it right. You'll get it, perhaps slowly. They will be all clear and colorful and bright. But you have to keep trying.."
He smiled and faded away into his soap bubbles..
It was him.. :)
The soap bubble man..

For days those hair bands were lying in the drawer.. I just kept holding on to them perhaps hoping that i would use or need them some day.. But two days back the fact suddenly struck me that i haven't used them since last 5 years or so! So promptly i picked them up and gave them away to some little kids who could actually use them!
I liked them and have used them earlier in life so some part of me thinks or perhaps hopes that i would use them again meaning i would go back to being my old self.. But that is not quite possible now owing to the time passed and all the experiences which make people different persons! How many of us hold on to old things sometimes just as a memory but other times hoping that we would use those things? They just lay around gathering dust and creating all sorts of negative energy..
Not only things but at times even some relationships.. specially the dysfunctional types.. Sometimes some grudges that we hold against people, or they hold against us.. Some times the things which are left unsaid undone.. These too gather dust.. We tend to just put things off, try to hold on to something which used to work at a certain point in time, but at times after a few years those things stop being the same way. We never stop to think why things are not working, we tend to ignore it and still hold on.. It gathers dust and creates all sorts of negative energies..
Its time to clear out the clutter! And that's exactly what i did. Not only cleaned out some more cupboards and drawers, but also tried to clear out some long standing grudges and dished out apologies.. Not sure if they will be accepted or not.. But i did my part.. At times even if you are not at fault it helps to apologize to erase out the grudge others have against you.. To ease their hurt can also help you de-clutter your own life! :)
So while i am at it, if anyone out there has anything against me please feel free to call up and give me a piece of your mind! It would help me as much as it would help you.. Thanks! :)

Its raining!! So heavily!
Crazy stupid rain.. feels like a part of my soul.. with all that pouring..
Idiots both him and me.. For the hard stubborn un-moving earth doesn't give a shit.
At the end of the day all my resolves all my decisions just dissolve..
When all the illusions of the day fade into the dark of the night..
The sounds that clutter my life all through the day, are silenced by the craving for the sound of your breath..
The rain washes over me.. and drains away all the colors from all the people, and the eyes that followed me today..
Waiting for your gaze..
Its something about this rain that brings all this out from the depths of my soul..
Perhaps its cause he lives within and shows outside..
I could watch, hear and feel him for hours.. untiring.. and a lifetime..
Perhaps many.... :)
Its something about my rain.. and his human form..

For the bull :)
From a water-dweller..

So writer's block is basically when you can't think of anything to write OR when you want to write about something but whatever you write seems unnecessary?!?!

Damn i think this is it then! then block.. need to find something to write about.. Some inspiration.. somehow nothing seems to be appealing to me these days.. So sort of dry drab sort of phase.. :S anyway hope to find something interesting soon....

It gives so much joy when you actually do something that initially seems impossible.. or at least impossible for you. But when you believe, when you take that one step, and persevere nothing remains impossible.. :)
Its that one first step that is important.. The courage required for that will take you all the way.. there will be hurdles along the way.. material perhaps or maybe people.. but that's all they are- hurdles, to be overcome..
The moment you know what you want, all it takes is to just go ahead and do it! No amount of preparation is ever enough, after a while you've to just plunge in and get it done!! :) :)

A weakness that comes through at the best of times and perhaps the worst too..
I'm weak when it comes to my phone..
I'm weak when it comes to long conversations..
I'm weak when it comes to giving..
My weakness for love and for giving in to my desires..
I have a weakness for fighting for what i want, when i know its mine, always has been..
I've a weakness for impatience, for not waiting when everything is clear..
I've a weakness for honesty and purity..
My weakness for laughter, pure unadulterated :) :)
I'm weak when it comes to innocence..
I'm weak when it comes to bearing lies and weakness..
I am weak..
There you go world.. I am weak..
I prefer to be weak than being strong like those out there who live a life full of lies..
I've a weakness and here i shout out about it!
I've a weakness for never letting go.. for never giving up!
And i shall stick to my weakness..
Thank you very much..
For i am weak! :P

The evening is plump with promise..
Of rain for the parched earth..
For the dry eyes of a mother waiting for her child to come home from a distant land..
The eagerness of tired hands cooking all day, waiting for the verdict of her love..
A haggard laborer waiting for his day's pay..
For the pining of that lover..
The evening is plump with promise..
For everyone even without a promise..
The evening is plump with promise, of making you smile..
Feel it in your bones, as the evening approaches..
Cause it is this evening that you shall get something you desired but never expected..
Be unprepared to be surprised!
For the evening is plump with a sweet promise.. :)

So, most of the times when we are sad about something or frustrated about not getting something, we are reminded of the good old anecdote of how a person was crying because he didn't have shoes until he saw someone who didn't have legs!

From this i guess we are supposed to understand or even believe that "compared" to other people our sorrows are smaller, and in doing so cease to feel sad or frustrated any more.

But, carrying ahead the celebrated example of shoes and legs, it fact remains that the guy does not have shoes! So if we still carried on observing this guy, assuming that we can, what will his next steps be? I could think of the following:

1) He watches the leg-less guy and feels really sorry for him, and them ashamed that he was crying for shoes. He then shuts up and carries on with life more happily knowing that he has legs (this reaction is what is expected from the person who has merited this story be told to me)

2) He watched the leg-less guy and feels really sorry for him, and he helps that guy out of his problem, and in doing so forgets that he doesn't have shoes (possibly the next preferred reaction?)

3) He watched the leg-less guy and feels really sorry for him, and he helps that guy out of his problem, however in doing so he doesn't forget about his problem but works relentlessly and with more vigor to attain his pair of shoes! (i personally prefer this one)

Out of the 1st 2, since the guy has ignored his problem of not having shoes, he will carry on walk barefoot. This would result in further injuries perhaps. Maybe wounds, which he won't be able to heal, since along the way he will see another person with a malady graver than his wounds and he will forget/ignore to tend to his own malady. Eventually, taking the extreme path, he might become leg-less too and in turn the inspiration for some other shoe-less person to become leg-less!

Now the question arises, how can two mutually different people be compared? How can the pain of one person be compared to that of another person who is in a completely different situation, basically a completely different person?!

It is indeed like comparing apples to oranges or anything else for that matter!

Only so that people stop cribbing or crying we tell them to look at other people's pain and forget their own? Instead of this if we empower them to solve the problem wouldn't it lead to a better situation a better life for everyone around?

Some people believe that ignoring a known problem will cause that problem to disappear.
Let us take the 2 examples
1) A scratch on the hand, to resemble smaller, trivial problems in life which possibly, let me emphasis "possibly" can take care of themselves- (i cannot think of any examples, but you can let me know if you have any)

2) A deep wound on the arm, to resemble bigger problems which possibly cannot take care of themselves- (like ego clashes, misunderstandings, severe ailment, actual wounds)

In this case, if we ignore the scratch, a light one- caused by your pet's nail by mistake, it will take care of itself, even if we don't put on any ointment. But does it really just take care of itself? Nope! The body does. For more information please google immunity system, white blood cells or whatever it is called scientifically.

Assuming that the scratch took care of itself, lets get to the deep wound of your arm- caused by a mad dog's bite! :S (oops!!)
What will happen if you ignore this one? pus, maggots, madness, gangrene?
Perhaps have to lose the arm completely. Or maybe if we still ignore it further, the arm will have to be cut.

So does ignoring a problem really solve it? or stop it from existing?

This was about physical wounds/problems etc. Now, we always say the mind is stronger than the body, the brain the heart is more important.
So, if we have something wrong with us in our thinking, conflicts, in our relationships, dysfunctional relations etc.. How much good would it do to anyone to ignore these problems?

Physical issues can be seen, cured.. But what about these mental/emotional things?
If no one can see or feel them but the person experiencing them? Sometimes it becomes so important and difficult that everyone around can also sense it! In this case what will the people around do? "Ignore" it and hope that the problem will solve?

Well its upon us to take a step back and think about what are values really are. And how will a problem solve itself?

I'm not sure how people can get on with the whole ignoring business without doing serious damage to themselves!! But to each their own. I hope whoever reads this can make their and other's life better by solving problems than ignoring them. Or who knows one day everything will be lost at the cost of ignoring, who knows maybe they have lost it already??

I'm leaving you
I don't know if I should
I prayed the moon
To see if she would
Let me be by you
She said she may
If I give her my soul
And I said no

I'm leaving you
I don't know if I should
I prayed the sun
To see if he would
Let me be by you
He said he may
If I give him my days
And I said no

I'm leaving you
I don't know if I should
I prayed the winds
To see if they would
Let me be by you
They said they may
If I never flew away
And I said no

I'm leaving you
And you know I'm not the one
To give up my heart
For the good of a man
Even by you
So tell me I should
Push me away
Don't make me stay
For I'm leaving you
And I still love you
Yeah I'm leaving you
And I still love you.

CP- now thats my girl!! :)
BP- hmm.. *swatting flies* whatever you say man

A hear that loves or the one that rejects?
Who loses?
The one who falls or the one who refuses to get up?
The one who strikes or the one who bears it? Not striking back knowing that blood wasted is wasted, yours or his..
Who loses then?
The one who chooses or the one who lets others choose?
The one who kills one self or the one who lives, thrives, fights and survives?
Who loses?
The one who is hurt or the one who hurts?

A moment to wonder? Who has lost? you or them? :)

I halt at the clearing, clutching my chest heaving for breath..
For a moment there is no one.. And then i see you..
You, standing there, surrounded by those gnarled trees, watching the last bits of this year's monsoon clouds swim lazily across tonight's pearly full moon..
A sight to behold.. For my eyes only.. not even your own..
And i know.. the wait is over.. :)

I guess this is how it feels to be at loss of words! And for me its a huge deal!! When no words or actions seem to make someone understand what you want to communicate.. When the same patterns are repeated like the wheel of a cycle.. When the same words need to be repeated, they lose their value and so does the person repeating them. Why do people let difficult situations get to them? Me being one of such "people".

Anyway been quite a while since i've written, as per my standards.. Words don't seem to sprout as they used to. Maybe there are so many thoughts that i can't find words to put them in. Maybe this is how it feels when you realise you are changing. You just withdraw deeper into yourself, like the trees in Narnia..

So i decided i needed some fresh inspiration.. A person, an incident, a place.. Lets see what stops by, or what i stop by! :) until then don't hold your breath ;) cause i might just come up with more "meaningless" ramble :) :)

In hunt for some fresh inspiration (apart from the rain, which seems to be pouring with a revenge, for obvious reasons!)

Its him,
your reflection perhaps,
or of the care that you so impeccably displayed.
Perhaps he's a shadow..
Like you now are..
Mere smokey grey skies..
Never the truth..

So, there was this one time i visited Balaji, a holy place down South in India.
We reached the city and the temple is up in the mountains, so we had to take a ride in some vehicle till up there. I will never forget the road which led to the mountains. It was a very wide street, somewhat like a highway but in the city, a boulevard with dense trees along the sides, and we could see the mountain right up ahead. Looked quite close up but was not! I would've loved to live in a city with a street like that!! With mountains covered in cottony clouds looming close by and straight un-turning tree-shadowed streets leading right into those mountains.. I think of that road many times..

Cutting back to today. Our place too is cradled between a few hills but there has been SO much commercialization and constructions around that their existence has been over-shadowed and they've retreated into themselves to never show again! Its monsoons but no rain as yet, only dense clouds all around. Today I was riding back home in a slight drizzle hoping that it would rain heavily soon, and there i saw it! Though the road wasn't as straight or wide or as covered with trees as i would've loved it to be, it was still quite a sight..
For a fleeting moment i saw that street running away into those mountains' arms.. the street covered in trees and shadows and the mountains in dense clouds.. and me riding on.. :) quite a sight.. for that one fleeting moment i fell in love.. All over again.. :)

We do get what we want.. if only we are willing to look around.. :) Yay!! :) :)

Wanted it to be a combination of the following photos. With the quiet from one picture and trees and mountains from the other! :)

Apologies for the distorted view, somehow no setting is suiting the picture! But enough get the idea :)

People quit. Some quit smoking, drinking, shrooming, biting nails!!
But there are some others who quit exercising, who quit practicing a sport, who quit dreaming.. Basically who quit living..
These people quit doing what they really love and want to do... Why on earth would they do such a stupid thing then?!!
For a variety of reasons they will say, when you ask them. But in reality there is no reason good enough for quitting these things. There is never any reason for quitting it!
Some might say its shame for perhaps they think they are not worth it, or they are ignoring something else that needs attention.
However, when they love something so much that they are thinking about it every waking moment and even an asleep one, doesn't that thing require their attention more than the thing they are doing?!?!
So if they stick for long enough and fight for it hard enough, they won't have anything to regret about later. Even if things don't work out; and mostly they will work out, cause these are the things we really want.. These are the things which will continue to haunt us with greater guilt, these are the things which will always stay..
So why live in guilt and not having tried enough, when its all in your hands.. When these things have come to you to stay! :)
There is no quitting for me! Never was! :)

CP- hmm fair point. I second that thought.
BP- that meannnnsss.. you won't quit on me!! YAY!! never thought you would either! :D :D hehehhheahaahhahaha
CP- oh BP for godsake! Its things Not people!
BP- ohhh.. but people are things noo...?? Living things.. but then so are animaux!! :S :S crisis!! crisis!!
CP- DUH!! *going mum*
BP- help me out dude!! :|
CP- *HUG!!* i feel for you man!
BP- *watery eyed* really?!?! hawwww
CP- heheh gotcha! :P
BP- muaaaaaaahh i love you nonetheless. "Not quitting"!! :D
CP- Shit. :| but muaaaaaahzzz there you go you made me like you!! :| :D :*

Love you guys!! :D
CP+BP= hmm.. don't smother us now. :D ;) :P :*

Closed loops, full of color..
Each one a different color..
Some a mix of many..
I've quite a few buried in my closet..
Deep down.
Hidden under the accumulated mud of desire..
Unseen for years now..
Wonder if they've faded..
I hear a soft knock from time to time, but i pay no attention..
How would these skeletons be now?
Would they be alive or just bones now?
Should i take a peek?
Should i let them smell the fresh air through their decayed noses?
But which one shall i pick and why?
What if they refuse to go back in, since they so want to be reborn?
What if the loops continue or worse what if they don't!
I uncover them one by one delicately caressing the dust away..
Never completely but just enough..
Wisps of familiar breath on my tired lips..
Old loops fall into unfamiliar patterns now..
Wonder in what surprising dance they wish to lead me to!
As i follow..
Lost in the moment..
They joy of the living moment, right now..
Dancing the colorful butterflies yet again.. for each..
Untamed, wild, alive! :) :)

BP- hoola hoops or loopeety loopeety loops?!?
CP- aaaaand we are back! :D thats my baby!

Is it really true that you have to lose to gain something? Though it does seem to have scarily often with me. But I'm sure its not required to happen. Realizing the worth of something after having lost it is again different.
However, its always possible to hold on to existing things and get new things that we want. Its our life and its our rules that apply. Though people tend to go looking for new things only when they've lost the old ones. Or they tend to notice things they didn't before, and hence, i believe, its said that to gain something you've to lose something..
Why not just be open to things around and not let ourselves be bound by own mind games? Why do we have to lose something to realize its worth, or the worth of new things that come our way after we lose the existing ones?
Isn't it better to appreciate things that we have and also new things that come along? And just hold on to things that we like and want. And tweak or let go of the ones we don't! Its our life and our rules! Unless you don't have your own then you'll have to play by the ones other's have created. But i believe its always in our hands to turn life our way! Its not necessary to lose something for gaining something else! :)

What are roles? a mother, a father, a teacher, a lover, a friend, a daughter, an ex boyfriend..

Why are people so lost in these roles? The entire world just seems to be obsessed with them! So much so that they forget who they actually are.. The person, the self is completely lost behind all of these roles/labels/masks..
People are so confused about who they are or what they actually want, not the role but the person.

Its just too painful and sad to see people doing things out of some sort of responsibility or duty which seems like a burden on them. Things that they don't even want to do as a person, but the role requires it perhaps.

So what do we choose to be our own selves or just slaves to some roles that are tagged to us right since birth till death and even after??
How many of us really try to understand who the person is beneath the sweet, hardworking, loving mom at home? Frankly i've not, it make me uncomfortable maybe. But i do respect her person. When it comes to me she is not bound by all the so called duties and responsibilities that the so called society has tagged to her for being a mother! She is free to act the way she likes or do things that she wants and not what a mother is forced to do.

I think people neither try to give others their right for being themselves and nor do they exercise it themselves. Wonder how many of us actually reflect on these things to even act on them.

Its just so liberating to be our self!! And then the actions tagged as duties and responsibilities would seem sweeter cause they will be voluntary.. :)

Hope some day there will be lesser souls lost in roles....

Its the time of the day
And i venture out again..
The evenings are eagerly awaited yet again!
You hold me like the breeze that caresses my tears away..
Tears built up from all these years..
You look at me like the colors from wild flowers..
Making me blush..
You kiss me like the sweetness from ripe fruits..
Leaving me soul wanting more..
Its the time of the day again..
And i look forward to being swept off my feet by you..
Yet again..
Tarrying with the day's work..
Joy re-discovered..
Nothing holds me back now, nothing holds me down..
Awaiting the moment every day as the clock strikes 5..
My prince charming..
Riding on new Nikes! :)

Be it joy, sorrow, anger, hatred any emotion, any action it is always in your hands.
I believe we always understand when we reach the threshold which if crossed leads us into feeling a certain emotion. Then its upto us whether we want to cross it or hold back.
In my case i've never held back and always gone on and indulged, knowing that perhaps crossing that threshold might have other repercussions. For me i can starkly differentiate when this threshold arrives and when i cross it making it easier for me to decide whether i want to cross it or not.
However over indulging might lead to unpleasant results if it involves other entities which are not on the same page. And then it becomes difficult to "come out of it" or "move on". I believe everyone- living and supposedly non living are naturally optimistic fighters, and hence its not in our nature to easily give up. Mine being more so!
However it is all in our hands. I believe it all depends of whether we decide to cross that threshold. :)

The seed was sown on rainy night..
Or was it summer then?
Days passed and it failed to grow.
She fed it with tears,
and he nourished it with indifference..
Slowly it caught the fungus..
And somewhere started reeking unpleasantness..
She ripped it out of her womb and tore it at the throat..
Her bloodied hands still stink of its soul..
The soul of their offspring..
The murder she willingly committed..
And he allowed..
The offspring always lied about..
The offspring once alive now dead, decayed, suspended..
The offspring free of them..

To ekach unad sawala..
Asach haravlela tumha amha sarakha..
Swatahchya haravlelya jagat..
Kadhi thambel hi sal..
Kadhi disel parat, to ek unad sawala?

Dedicated to my rain.. Dude its about time you pour!! :) :)

Some new pain to take me through..
The old one now molded, moth eaten..
Used too much, rugged..
Now some new pain.. better or worse than the old one..
But newer.. crystal clear..
Sharp in the eye and the belly..
Not like the dulled old knife..
Which lost its charm out of abuse..
Some new pain..
With lilies and lies perhaps but new..
And known..
The key to a newer vision..
Skewed perhaps, but away from the old..
Some new pain to caress the old one out..
Food for the craving dark soul..
Pure and crushed oozing ..
Some new pain to lift the carcass through..
Some new pain.. So me and you..

Yet again..
From the clutches of my own self..
Of the beliefs and the trust which i kept gripped tight..
Snap goes the strand and i dissolve the connection of my own accord!
I liberate myself, not after any rotten bitch's word but my own..
My prince freed me from a weak love's deadly grasp..
My prince charming.. My self..
Freedom taste sweet.. but sweeter yet will be indifference.. which shall come in tow..
Freedom.. of the self from the self by the self :)

This question has been nagging for quite some time- Where have the rains disappeared?! Clouds seems to be hovering around since mid-May, they seem to have become denser but for some reason they don't seem to want to break down upon us!!
Wonder why. Is it cause everyone seems to be thinking of the "doomsday"? Its about time to stop being lazy and not change our ways.. or even our thinking for that matter. Cause if we just keep thinking that its not going to work, it just might as well not work.. There is not an iota of positive thinking. Why on earth would the rain come down then? Who would like to be cradled in such negativity?
About time we start thinking positively and doing our little bits to fight all sorts of pollution etc, and all this is going to start with just changing the way we think AND out thoughts!! atleast from negative to positive..!
And then it will rain, my dear rain will rain down and drench us all along with this darling!! :)

Will you make it cease?
Will you draw a close?
Will you allow me to love?
Will you allow me to live?
Will you allow yourself this one honor?
Will you honor.... all that has gone by...
Will you let it not be wasted in vain?
For if not then its time....
Its always been time..
Would you offer me my alms..
My rightful place?

Pause or full stop?
Pause usually seems unnecessary..
What you are actually saying is a full stop and a good bye.

Sleep- unending tired
Crowded lonely nights
Its funny how you've got to stop..
And just can't..
When you just want to keep going..
And there it hits you right across your eyes..
The light of day..
And you know its just water you were groping at
from within..
And that's all you have as the day progresses..
Into another night..
For another unending sleep..
Sleep my child and may you never wake up to the light of this day....

Mere jaise lakhon mile honge tujhko piya
Mujhe to mila tu hi..

Hadha hissa mere toh dil ki kahani ka tu..
piya main baki aadha..

Tumse hi din hota hai..
Surmayee shaam aati hai..
Tum se hai..

aao ge jab.. tum o sajana..
Angana phool khilenge..

Empty sounds..
Prettily formed..
But yet empty..
Meaning lost somewhere in a haze..
Wonder when and where..
Now they are just sounds..
Ghosts devoid of a reflection in the mirror that i put up..
When will you come through, come clear of the haze?
Words were my only solace and you stole them too..
Leaving me with ghosts.. of all kinds..
A big ship once warm full and alive..
Now anchored vacant, abandoned in a dead lonely sea...
With only sounds of waves crashing into an unknown shore in the distance..
Empty sounds..

Cafe Nervoza
Crescent Whirlwind
Cynic's Twist
Dreams half dreamt.
Ink Thoughts.
Malone, You Say?
Musings and Rants
Out of the night
pseudo emotions
Random Blabbering
rhythmic memories...
Such a cow.
The Brewing Business
Tranquility Cove
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
A Bitter Sweet Symphony - This Life...
An Unknown Sign

Some live and some in a limbo
So deeply awaited
And some just there..
Some removed and some recently added..

He said..
And here i'm faced with so many!!
Laughing at me in the face..
Laughing at me for the choice i made..
Laughing at me cause i cannot choose any of them any more..
Possibilities he said.. And anchored me for life..
And yet here i'm face.. with all of the others he never spoke about..
Here they are to haunt me, taunt me poke me in my eye..
Those that he never spoke of..

Drifting away...
Painfully at first,
Then the water rises to offer some calm..
The silence offers up some peace..
It slowly starts sinking in..
And the skin opens up to accept the surrounding..
I drift away..
Nothing comes out now..
No tears and no anger..
Just taking everything in now..
Whatever remains.. and whatever life has to offer now..
Drifting away from dreams, beliefs..
Anchored like never before, and yet drifting..

Guardian angels do exist.. One paid me a visit last night.. Now i'm certain this too shall pass.. They come to you in various forms, last night was an ear to listen and a word to reassure in human form..And when it comes without ask for it- its precious and more effective than anything else :)
Specially when you've been reduced to nothing and tired of asking someone and being refused each time..
Thank you my guardian angels.. To all those who've been this for me knowingly and unknowingly but specially you A.G. and C.Jo :)

Moving on..
And it matters not..
Life goes on as usual..
The sun rises and the leave rustle away happily..
The rain only seems to be shying away..
But then how does it matter any more..
Its just water dropping down..
Moving on..
Of broken dreams, hearts, trust and everything that goes with it..
Moving on..
No one to call your name..
No on to even try to hold you back..
Not that it matters..
You just move on..
Hoping that someone will somewhere sometime..
That it will matter then..
So till then moving on..
And yet another page turned..
Hopefully the last one..
Moving on.. to the end..

Its just sad when you know what is going to happen and it happens.
So wish at least once things would change for the better.. But it seems like its not meant to be.. Seems like someone just doesn't want it to be.. So why to hold on it? Because i want to? Maybe it will eventually wither and slowly slip from my grip some summer evening.. When I'm too old to even get up from my chair in the near by cafe to walk back home.. When eyes are too weak to see into the setting sun.. Maybe then i will see a figure limping towards.. Maybe not even then... Maybe then it will slip away.. Maybe not even then..

I got my owl!! :D :D :D :D


A free evening
A different perspective
Freedom from a necessity, when it ceases to be mandatory..
When you know you don't need it..
A realization of the self..
All over again...
A different smile..
A new place, somewhere within..
Peace- exactly where it was to be found..
A revision of the same lesson..
though the exam is never done!
Someone.. within.. and someone outside..
Here i make my peace.. with destiny.. :)

How is it that you have something and yet you don't?
Is it like the cash you keep at the bank?
But at least there you know you can have it any time you want..
You keep it there for safety..
But now its as if the bank itself is the monster, eating up what you gave it for safe-keeping..
Or maybe you never did!
The only place it would ever be safe is with you..
So how is it that you have something and yet you don't?
Then do you really have it?
Or are you just hiding behind a known illusion too scared to acknowledge and accept the truth- that you don't have it?
But how could it be that you don't have it?
Maybe you have it but its not yours..
But you know it is yours, so perhaps you don't have it and its yours?
How does this work?
And however it does, how do you make yourself work with it?
Specially when this is not something you want!
When you want it to be yours and to have it with you all the time!

Freely they flow..
Accusing the past as if long gone..
How does it matter if its long gone or just gone..
Its the past nonetheless..
You walk away..
And let me walk too..
How does it still tug a places within i knew not existed?
If its all gone..
If you are not here any more?
How does it not go?
How is it still here?
Why cannot i be free?
And yet why am i free?

The hollowness tries..
Tries very hard to sustain...
But your love fills it all out..
And yet the hollow tries to live..
The fight is at its edge..
And sparks fly..
Unseen to the world..
Like rain drops fall from a sky full to bursting with clouds..
Sparks fly from the effort..
It might pour any minute..
I try to take shelter
till i realize its within me..
The hollowness and the fullness...
And yet they fight..
Waiting.. Forever...
To end everyday with a lost hope..

She didn't answer...
I called her once, twice, thrice..
Her name sounds so meaningless now,
Now that your voice refuses to caress it..
Sometimes she doesn't even respond to it..
As if it is no more her's..
The name sounds so weird now..
As if its not even a name..
Not even namesake..

Another day,
another sun,
another search for meaning,
another search for running away..
another day,
another breeze,
without your smile..
Just another now my life..
Just another someone for you..

One of the very few times some words which are not mine on this blog:

Chitthi na koi sandess..
Jane hai kaunasa dess jahan tum chale gaye..

A brush of breeze
seemingly familiar..
A look behind
A smile to self
as if in a mirror..
A deep pang
And a void
Forever the void..
The fear of thinking..
The fear of feeling any more..
As if a dam will burst
and everything will spiral out of control..
so the void..
Plain simple void..
Glazed over, dazed..
A void..
and a smile..
Always the smile..
A void..

I will have lost something tonight..
The night of judgement from all others..
I will have been freed tonight..
From all the tortures..
I will have met my dream tonight..
Of my white horse..
I will have died tonight..
For tonight is yet another night..

She lays..
As life trickles away.. dripping at her waist..
Where white cotton clings softly..
Strangely reassuring..
The sounds of the evening, the light flickers across her motionless eyes..
Lost in a haze.. aglow almost..
She lays..
The ticking of the clock synchronized with the dripping now..
Slowly falling out of harmony..
A sudden jump of movement and then back to the slow dying..
It was not painful anymore..
Just too slow for her usual pace..
Nothing seemed to move for an eternity..
She somehow still awaited..
Thin strands of life still coursed with rampant hope and desire..
And yet there she lay having given up..
The rats would start coming in any moment now..
Ravens were already at the window..
She hoped they would groped at her heart first and leave the eyes for last..
Cause he loved them the most.. everyone did..
Just the last bit of prayer she had..
Just the last bit of begging left to be done..
To the scavengers now- please leave my eyes to the last..
and hope you have a meal of your life, everyone did.


The tears of the sun will melt down upon us..
As the rain wages his own war..
The earth stays still, bearing both..
Silent, un-moving.
What choice does she have after all..
Daisies and melons grow alike from her bosom,
Feeding the wreck of man..
Still she stand
No escape..
An endless occupation when you harbor love in your heart..

Being scared of the result, at times I refuse to see/know it. Even if it has turned out to be what I wanted. So i fight against what i want, push it so hard that it won't even get time to reveal itself.
I'm scared of winning more than I'm of losing. Perhaps have got so used to losing that winning just doesn't seem probable, or i've turned into a die hard pessimist in the matters of heart, or i just want to be dramatic and a tragic hero or maybe.. I'm just scared.. of losing after having won..

Disgust courses through ever vein
Oozing out of the pores
And yet you don't understand?
What deed would deserve this
And what soul would bear it?
For you made my love turn to utter pure disgust.

You flew past..
And took all with you..
You even scratched away the bits set in the deepest corner of my soul..
And then you kept pulling me by the strings of me heart..
Dust rises in the air in a hurricane
As i struggling to stand up tall once more..
Bu you won't let me..
You pull me down and you pull me apart..
As a slave.. of your dead rotten conscience..

First of all, the sky always pours.
Then you met me where the afternoon meets evening..
And then you left me where we are not sure about turning the lights on or keeping them off.
So some turn them on and some off..
And some like you and me keep doing both..
So shall we wait for the place where night shines stars to take off our skins?
Cause our clothes are already off..

In love,
and out of it..
Me being my self
and then being yours..

A canvas lays ahead of her..
White and bright waiting..
She picks up her tools and paints..
Pictures and memories..
While increasingly marred with the same color within her soul
She darkens, with love, the same color..
Smiling away at the warmth and pain it brings..
And she paints at her canvas..
Rubbing and slashing until its torn
And can take no more..
She looks with tears at her canvas
that she pour over so much love..
It was torn now beyond control..
She went away for a while giving it a chance to recover,
but it refused..
For she gave up but it didn't..
The canvas of her life remained torn..
In peace..

Lost and powerless gulping the salty water around..
Words are drowned and don't even sprout beneath the salty frozen air..
As if i knew you in some other life time..
But strangers in this one..
I tried holding on to your face..
My nails dug deep..
blooding the beauty of your features..
And yet its only skin that is only nails now..
My colored nails..
The skin is mottled, and eyes are wet with flesh..
And the ravines feast on the once alive love in them..
The sit with their dirty feet and eat the same skin..
Maybe their mother taught them nothing..
Oh, but mine did..
As i try to remember where i had met you..
From memory which is now a foe..
Memory defies and all else fails..
I give up and just sit back down to nibble on the skin caught in my nails..
While the crows eat up the eyes..
Doe-y eyes, i remember something.. But again- memory is a foe..
They claw and tear.. till i am all dead and dry..

She beat her fingers at the drum's rhythm, lost.. while he drank her in.. Maybe she knew this too! He never witnessed a procession so closely, let alone be a part of it. But now he had done and continued to indulge in many things he had never imagined himself doing. He followed his heart now. He could feel his heart beating to the tune and eyes snapped open to stare deep into his. His stomach clenched, she laughed and it un-clenched. She continued to look around and occasionally smile or wave at an acquaintance. There was no one here who would know him.. Just like there was no one who knew her at that party, and yet she was so composed. Shit scared yet calm. He was very uncomfortable but warming up to the experience as his heart was thumping around. He remembered the impending war he was going to have to fight, but he dismissed it for now, felt his lips curl and a whistle blow. She looked back at him and gestured that they could leave. The procession was nearing the close and she wanted to sneak out with him. Though there was no on to stop her. "So, Mr.Sax get a tasteful of desi beats?" And the smile, always the teasing yet innocent smile, and the sparkle in her warm Oak-wood colored eyes that so haunted him when he was away. She clasped his hand very firmly. She did this often these days. It told him, no matter how hard she tried to make him feel she knew everything, she too was terribly scared. The war was on her mind too. Realizing she had done it again and shook her hand away.
While she started her bike talking about where to eat now, wrapping her colorful scarf on and he look away to the ebbing sounds of the processing and connoisseurs cheering in the distance..

He watched the light flickering on the chairs while he waited. Vehicles flashed past and the lights accompanied him. He waited here every evening knowing she will not come. The brown color of the wood reminded him of how her eyes sparkled when she smelled coffee beans. It didn't matter what blend they were. She never knew. He doubted she could even tell the difference between two distinct blends; but it didn't matter, she just loved coffee. The way she loved rain, no matter when it poured. Like it did in November this year. She enjoyed it as if it was the first rain of the year. When each drop engulfed every dry parched particle of the scorched earth in its embrace. The year was a blur, completely out of place for where he came from. Just like the lightening which shine across dark clouds gather at the horizon whereas where you stand the sun is shining brightly. As if the clouds too are mocking you.
He never thought of such things, never acknowledged rain more than a grimace and donning on rain gear. Forced himself to be engrossed in the world he had created for himself. A world he was led to believe was the ideal way to be. A world, the basis of which had disappeared now, and it only hung on one of the many thin wisps of smoke suspended in the thick air of his fears.
Another flash of light shook him out of his reverie, it was time to go home. Back to fake smiles and a heaviness that would be lifted only tomorrow at the same place.. Waiting seemed more joyful that anything his world had to offer.. Even if it brought pain..
Heavily he lifted himself off the wooden chair, and walked on, only to pause momentarily to caress the back of the chair sitting opposite him all this while..

I love typing..
And writing..
messing the plain canvas..
with my thoughts.. :)

Learning to live..
All over again..
Life after death?
Or learning to live death..
It feels different,
Though very familiar
Fears coming true..
Like i said they would..
Regret is all that remains for me..
Regret for things that took too long..
Regret for things that were not in my hands..
Regret.. colorful like the rainbow you promised..
Regret.. sharp like a shining star's stingy corner in my eye..
Regret.. warm like flowing blood..
Learning to live..
And otherwise..

It rained someplace..
Someplace far off..
Could it be the place, you were here?
Could it be the place we both were?
It rained someplace..
Someplace green..
Was it just around the corner?
And yet so far away..
It rained someplace old..
Someplace quaint..
It rained like never before..
The clouds astounded themselves..
A moment of belief..
And of dreams realized..
A moment of peace..
And then the storm continued..
Though it rained someplace...
A little while..
Wonder where.. :)

Alone in a crowd, like you are
Confused about what to do, like you are
Lost in the shadows, like you are
Muddled, messed in the head and maybe the heart, like you are
Willing to die, willing to kill.. will to destroy..
Grayed out, faded, jaded, tired, old and sold, like you are
Missing out on my moments, missing out on life, like you are
Caught in a constant loop in the distance, like you are..
And yet here i am- like you are not..

My star is born today..
Little by little he grows..
Into himself the true self..
Sprinkled with smiles and dreams..
Its him at the core.. always..
The star on my cupcake.. is you..
Happy birthday my bull..
May your horns be sharp
and your hoofs strong and clean always.. :)
Wishing you a meadow full of joy..
And flowers of love blooming everyday..
With dreams swaying lush green only a touch away..

Your fragrance lingers..
Try as i might to flee, it deepens..
Deep in my skin, like nails dig in out of fear..
Eyes on the brim of overflowing..
Always overflowing..
I stop breathing.. stop smelling..
It lingers within..
I try to tear it out.. but get my hands on only blood and guts..
Where does the smell lurk?
Hiding in the darkness of my own soul mocking me..
Chopping away at my mind...
Your presence.. Arrogantly absent..
Stark naked in the darkness of my soul..
Absent.. like your breath..
Sharp tingling like the dark vile liquid cutting through my lips..
A solid vacuum that i can eat and lick..
As i tear at the curtains..
And the soil around.. That mock my belief..
A distant memory calls me back..
Back to it in the past future..
Where you were alive..
When bridges were to be crossed, where bridges lived too..
A sparkle, a turn, a whiff and a glimpse of you..
Maybe during a distant stitch on the fabric of time..
Dazed as i walk into the dawn..
Abandoned by you for me to chew on..
A fragrant vacuum to light my steps..
Towards your dawn....

Bake me a cake, would ya?
of all the flavors you like..
Fruits and flowers.. and all bright things..
Stars and the sun.. and all big things..
Bake me a cake, would you?
of all that is pure and true..
of dreams and desires realized..
Bake me a cake would you?
And top it with a kiss..
To seal the flavor and the fat inside! :) ;)

You offered me left over morsels..
It was all you had to offer..
The most delicious ones to ever touch my tongue..
It was all you ever had for yourself..
Never fed to anyone else more lovingly..
These left over morsels of time..
Yours and mine..
Now, a respectful meal awaits....

A trickle of laughter
cutting through the grey
Turns a stream and then an ocean..
Deep dark and blue..
Chrystal clear..
And the grey heap of the past years
from the times you were a stranger.. is demolished..
It peacefully makes way for joy..
And happily gives away..
For it knows better than to fight truth and love..
Laughter.. a trickle is all it needs :)

He faded into the background,
Like the furniture around..
Over time, over many carefully manicured hands and feet..
People rushed in and out, sometimes stayed longer..
Sounds of laughter reached him some times, but vanished by the time he opened his eyes to see where they were at.
There were tears too, he failed to feel them on his dry mottled skin,
And the times when he did, he was too tired to wipe them off so he drank them in and stored to pour them out again sometime
He faded into the background,
While she entertained them all,
Unaware of his presence, unlike the carefully chosen curtains and ornaments above the fire place..
He looked out of the window at times, which was open or closed as per her preference..
At the wide open spaces beyond and a pond..
But he was bound, to a tale, an imagination existing only in their minds..
They both decided to let life pass,
His as the background
and Her's not even on the same canvas..
There was a distant voice tugging at his heart string, just the one.
He didn't even dare to look up or being to understand..
For the fear that even the tugging will vanish.. like his life had, for the choices made, for curtaining himself like the colorful fabric hanging at various places in the house.. only difference is they were touched and he remained virgin..

I've been abusing you, for quite some time now..
But i remember it wasn't always like so..
We came to a turn-about and then went separate ways..
For a while perhaps.. But we sure did..
And then we came back to a place where our paths ran parallel like the lines drawn with a geometry set..
Never meeting, just running parallel.. so we ran and yes together but never with the other..
I don't remember when the abuse started, but it was sometime when we realized that we can't live apart..
And yet there was this huge gaping valley between the parallels..
The abuse started then..
When we realized that one cannot do without the other..
Love, lust, habit, choice, need, dependency, game, destiny..
The names are many.. But abuse flashes through them, leaving a trail..
Like blood on water from the place when the hurt animal stepped into the pond..
It has a root which is like smoke.. Like thick smoke crushing the air out of his lungs..
Somewhere along the way, the abuse started..

You came when i needed you..
I refused to look and to feel..
But you were there.. Just for a glimpse perhaps..
But there with me.. the warmth of your lovely cold drops filling the air around..
Pacifying the earth and my soul alike..
But i refused to feel it, for i refused to lose, even if it were for your love..
For once i wanted to be stubborn, like you always are..
Master of your own ways.. and yet now a puppet at the hands of man..
Forgive me for i didn't hold you in my arms..
A greater sin was even, for not letting you into my soul..
But you stay.. always.. within..
Thank you for coming to me.. When i needed you the most..

For the rain last night/wee hours of today morning.. :)

I can smell you from afar..
Tempting wafts of warmth..
But I'm dry, while she stands drenched
You are meant to be here in my arms..
But you are far,
Oh, so far away..
With only a distant sight and a slight breeze to carry your coming to me..
You come over her.. Unannounced..
While I'm left here, dry to die.. Waiting for even a glimpse..

No stars twinkle in my sky
And no sun shines..
Its just a cold cruel wind for company
Across the desert that is my heart
Frozen on the lake of life..

Rain washed country side. Such a refreshing sight early morning. Assorted animals grazing in the wet grass smelling the wet red mud.. As girls in clean pressed uniforms cycle to school smiling, in the slightly chilly rain-filled air, away on a tiny mud path.. While the green mountains watch on, in the cloudy laze spread all over the country side.. :)

I love travelling by train.. Single seat by the window.. Feeling the paper and the print as the evening sun streams in.. The colorful characters serenade me as i look on and ride into the setting sun.. :)

I'm a curtain,
Woven from the fabric of cloth, water, time, flesh and souls..
I'm a curtain,
In the brothel of an old maid
Transparent, barely there, namesake, not to hide but to allure..
I'm a curtain,
In the hotel of a wealthy dame
Thick, rich, luscious, dark, arrogantly fulfilling all purpose..
I'm a curtain,
On the face of a woman
Black and sometimes red..
I'm a curtain,
On the face of the ocean
Eating up everything that falls on my delicate body..
To carry it within the depth of my seeming innocence and peace..
I'm a curtain,
On the face of the sky
Shining, cutting through the darkness like diamonds on a dusky beauty's neck..
I'm a curtain,
For all things hidden, and of all that lie bare, alluring..
I'm a curtain,
For all your desires, and all that you fear, for all that lies waiting, for all that takes charge..
I'm a curtain,
Flimsy, stubborn

To asel ka ajun tithe? Konala vicharu mi, ani kashi parat jau? Kuthe haravali ti vaat? To asel ka tithech ajun, jithun sparshun gele mi tyas, To gavasla an swatahlach harvun basle.. Tya shanta sagarahun khol dolyanni ajun hi baghel tasach majhya kade? Ya veles tari mithin gathel ka mala, uchlun dharel jagavar? Ya mahasagara pasun dur swatahchya gavi neshil ka re mala? To asel ka ajun tithech? Kashi shodhun mi tyachi vaat? Varya barobar anek bolave dhadale, an pakshyan barobar nirop.. Kasa sutla hath kon jane eka-eki.. Ye na mala shodhat kadhi tari, Nhe na mala ghari.. aplya ghari.. Kuthe asel to.. Kuthya vaat varate.. Prashnanche vadal umatate, Ani hi ashich tarangat rahate, hatta karate, udham majavte.. Shanta kay hot nahi, ani sagarala hi houn det nahi.. Fakta tichya tya khadka sathi.. Ti laat..

Samudrachya latan mule ghasun nighlela to, To shanta khadak ek. Tithech stabdha basun asto.. Pratyek laatebarobar vatte, Hich ka ti majhi wali laat? Aga alis ka priye? Ata tari gheun jashil na mala barobar.. Ya samudra pali kade, tujhya sobat, Tujhya gaavi.. Alis ka ga priye?? Pratyek anolkhi laate barobar bolavna pathavto.. An roj tithech basun rahato. Jhijat, Tichya athvanit. Hasat, Tichi vaat baghat. Ashrunni awgha sagar tudumbba bharto, Pan te shanta gambhir hasya kayam rahata.. Kon jane, tu yeshil atta.. Jhijat jato, thambun rahato.. Tyachya tya laatechya yenyachi aas laun.. Tasach korda.. Olya dolyancha.. To khadak..

Its been a year!!!! since i got my baby home.. :) A year of a multitude of torn bitten stuff including our limbs.. A year of jolting awake to her midnight, dawn, morning, afternoon, evening and night barks! :S A year of screaming my lungs out, of getting my patience tested.. A year of extravagant toys and treats.. A year of utter joy, fulfillment, learning and growing.. Thank you my angel.. for coming into our lives.. and bringing all the joy that you have brought with your tiny feet, sharp teeth and glowing bright intelligent eyes! ;) I love you tons!! :) :) MUAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
God bless you naughty devil!! :) :) :D :D Let us continue of mad carnival through life.. ;) hopefully with lesser biting! :)

Sandhi prakash sawala..
Daathun ala gala..
Sugandha haluch perala koni to..
Majhya hrudayat tujha?
Haluvar sparshun gela..
Kon to moor-pisa pari..
Kanha navhe majha..
Ha tar tyacha sakha sobati.. :) :)

What is it about farewells..
I do not like them.
So poignant..
You get used to having someone around..
And then suddenly no more..
What do you do with that empty space? However tiny it is..
Even if you know that person very well, for a very long time or you don't..
Still, when someone manages to constrict your throat at the thought of them leaving, means that the person does have a special place in your heart..
I don't like goodbyes..
Not when people are meant to be somewhere and are torn apart for no reason...
And then only two words make sense- "Not fair"

Espresso in the smaller mug :)

I change my skin today
Gaining from some stranger
His, a different bus on a different route
A calling so deep and painful
And yet i'm stuck..
In these summer evenings..

Stay with me a while..
A while being our lifetime..

Re-discovering the self.. :)
I don't need no solace.. and i don't need no crowd..
I am with me everywhere, cause i know who i am deep down.. :)
No matter the storms and trials you bring for me, wrapped as a gift..
I'll take them on and dress with them, its you and they are only mine..
You look troubled and scared, i give you a hand..
But this is the path of knowing yourself, i go only this far..
Wait i shall till the world's end and even after..
You need to go on and perhaps return.. with your own true self..
Discover yourself my love,
for your eyes are clouded now, but they were not before..
In times of joy, in times of cheer..
Remove your mask, and look within..
For i shall wait for eternity
Because this is it.. eternity..

Freedom comes at the cost of the pain.
At times physical abuse and some times of introspection.
Once you realize of the entrapment, this pain is becomes very small in comparison.
When you see someone else trapped, someone who loves you dearly, and when that person is helpless due to various reasons to attain freedom form those trapping him, that pain is even worse..
This is the time you need to be strong, cause no matter how much you want to help, it is only that trapped person who needs to break-free.
But at times its nice to have a re-assurance that the efforts are on, but most of the times life won't be so generous.
When certain wheels have been set in motion, there is no stopping them, even though people around might not hear the sounds of the churning, it is going on in the background.
Wheels of destiny, love, strength, of a higher truth.. Higher and stronger than any man made bondage..
Such freedom struggle is greater than any war. The struggle of a person with himself, when faced with the reality of life.
The pain of uprooting the masks he's been wearing for life, the masks that have become his identity. The trauma of when he is awakened and is made to face the real person within.
The pain is too much to bear..
But if he stops then he will be haunted the rest of his life by the decayed fake masks.
And so like a solider of war he has to fight..
There is nothing more precious than Freedom and you ought to earn it on your own..
You deserve it and now is the time to earn it..
Good luck my bull..
Forever yours,

When strength exists why is it so difficult to exercise it when required?
Or maybe it doesn't succumb to your directions and will come into play only when it wills? but that's not done right?!?! :O :|
So shall we let it be as it is or will it to follow? Maybe it just needs a firmer hand.. So here's to strength and the power to exercise it at will :)

47 it is.. :) <3
my favorite number hence forth.. after 29, 9 and 15.. ;) :P

This is a summer of some other time
It is the warmth from another time..
Of a time gone, not long ago..
And of a time to come..
Of a time that is trickling past right now..
Summer weaves an unseen, unknown world..
Subtle magic hidden beneath his strong pungent heat..
Like your love hides beneath layers of lust..
Fragile lust.. and stronger love..
To be seen through the sleazy fabric of hot waves
So unlike the unbearable innocent guilty magic of summer..
This is a summer of another time..
a time that passed and a time that is to come..
A summer of a time that is trickling past us both engulfed in a sweaty lusty embrace..
The subtle magic of summer.. :)

CP- its so freaking hot dude!! what magic!
BP- let nature take its course.
CP- :|
BP- :D :D *running rampant in the afternoon sun*
CP- :| :|

A lie, or maybe just a hidden thing (technically not a lie but potentially yes), when spoken by one.. or (hiding) when a part of one's nature.. does it remain just a part of that person or does it start eating into the relationship and become a part of both?
At times even a comfortable part.. but it is poisonous.. needs to be nipped in the bud..

Now what about people who think hiding isn't lying? I believe if the hidden thing is something that has the potential to cause pain to the other person, then it definitely IS a lie. Or maybe when its found out its a lie..

No matter what, lying/hiding implicates a relationship like nothing else does. It makes sure the relationship is not pure down to the lowest level, cause some of it is based on lies.. and should the lie come out in the open, things will change.. drastically.. and if they don't it either means the relationship is very strong OR both are least concerned about the other or his life.

But the lie becomes a part of us.. an appendage which is not required, and hence should be cut off, burned off by bringing it to life.. not waiting for someone to find out, but to out it yourself! cause there is only place for two people in a relationship, not for a lie..

Yetil megh datun tevha..
ani mag gala suddha tyanchya sathi la..
Ashru sur lavtil tujhya najare chya athvanit..
Tevha yeshil na haluch magun..
He veda mann parat sparshun jayla.. :)

How does it feel to have someone come back to you over n over again.. To know deep down that its meant to be?
Across oceans and societal restrictions..
None of it holds any meaning or water in front of what you share..
After fighting it away as much as you can, all you can do is give up, stand back and smile while it sweeps you off your feet.. :)
You realize there is no need to fight for or against it.. cause you don't need to fight for something that is already yours.. or against it, cause its there to stay.. its meant to stay.. :)
Its not love.. it needs no labels.. and deserves none..
Its not friendship, neither love.. and marriage never! :) its just a cosmic union that no one can fight..
A little respect for it would be good.. but much greater is what is voluntary done that under social pressures :)

So here's to the smile, and the unsaid.. which people might believe dead and gone and dusted.. but which thrives right in front of their eyes, and under their nose..

Here's to you and me.. :) here's to us as our own true selves.. we live.. and we thrive.. together.. past everything.. above all.. you and me.. :)

Back from the dead.. though it never was so..

Here's to two smiles.. :) :)

A fresh perspective is what life offers,
in the same old ways..
The inside remains constant,
the outside is what shall be colored..
I pity those who cannot differentiate,
cause life offers it all, all the time, in a decorated platter..
A fresh perspective for something constant,
you are mine, were and shall remain..
Unstably constant..
A fresh perspective, cynically twisted atom.. :)
We shall endure and we shall stay..
A fresh perspective if you will,
I have some and i shall share.. :)
You know where to find me and find you will..
Shed those old immeasurably torn soiled clothes,
its time to don some fresh new perspective.. :)

Its so strange when an assortment of weird people tell you that they read your blog.. or are on social networking sites only to the effect of stalking you! :S
People who have never even heard of the word compassion in their lives let alone know what it is or practice it.
Stark opposites, or rather not even in the same league as you (yes i shall discriminate on the basis of mental and emotional capability, cause the gaping hole exists) come up and tell you that they read and apparently like your blog (as if they could ever even understand).
I'd rather not! :S
Many times i toyed with the idea of making the Atom an invitation only blog, but didn't want to deny most of the readers, even if unknown of sharing the pleasure of word.
BUT suck revelations have made me have second thought. I'd rather not let the Atom get soiled by the eyes of some people who have not even an iota of sensibility, respect, love and above all compassion.
People who were offered reason but since they have none of it of their own couldn't accept it. So, please save yourself the pity and scoot off!

It is our phoenix
Re-born from the ashes
Alive and thriving underneath and above all
Hidden in plain sight
Glorious beautiful undying
It is our phoenix

An empty decay slowly sets in
in the chill of the night
as dried tears leave their mark for the morning sun to letch at

I have a belief..
A ridge one.
People come and go and try to taint it.
When I budge they are happy..
But the belief stays..
I have a belief
A sticky one.
It sticks to me like a tick..
It doesn’t let go..
Not even for a moment
It has brought me much joy..
And people I treasure..
The expose themselves..
I have a belief.
A just one.
It makes me drop all masks
And strip naked in front of me..
The show me who they are within..
I have a belief..
A cruel one
It makes me hold one
And tortures me till I give in to it..
It reduces all my resolutions to dust..
Only the belief prevails..
I have a belief
An almighty one.
It is all encompassing
It engulfs all fears and weakness..
It is the only one that is aware..
It is the second skin, under the skin of my soul..
It protects and it nurtures..
I have a belief.. that I believe in :)
That believes in me..

And along comes summer
With promises of exams and holidays to follow
The sun preparing to make a statement and the evenings to offer a sudden yet expected breezy solace
Re-introducing me to myself with a light-hearted yet healing banter, sprinkled with that old carefree laugh..
Promises of kids playing out on the afternoon warmed streets
Screaming unadulterated joy..
Promises of the grain to grow and the rain to follow..
Nostalgia seeks melancholy hiding in every possible thing,
I watch on as they play the sweet and sour game of life in the summery breeze.
Promises of a surprise by bringing back something long lost along the way..
Along comes summer, in all its calmly scorching glory.. :)

A molten blob of metal,
Some heavy metal..
And days like a chewing gum,
With weak traces of flavor from some other life time..
A stopped heartbeat, lost in the fabric of space,
And a dead breathe coming back to life in a particular grain of time..
My days of molten metal and old chewing gum.. :)

The bridge was you and the ropes me..
Delicate, stubborn, colorful, alive, delicious, seductive, full of love and equally lust, understanding, open, free.. the ropes..
And the bridge was just there.. immovable..
The ropes i cut down..
But the bridge stays.. shall always stay..
The ropes supported as the bridge endured..

But not the bridge stands alone...
The ropes shall spring back to life and not let the bridge fall..
But you need to call, this time around..

The ropes i have cut down..

And i said to his teacher- i try to do with words, what u teach him do with notes.. And d teacher watches on from above, as he gives me d chase of my life.. Lost in notes from his golden horn sprinkled with unsaid words exposing secrets of both souls..

Free from the shackles of bound, ungrateful love..
Free from weakness and from sickness of the minds..
Free from the soul.. and the soul mate..
Freedom needs to celebrate!

Bondage, rituals, traditions, society, a joke that men play on the other and on themselves..
The divine plan that the eternal has laid out smiles down on them..
No matter how hard they try, they cannot even get close to breaking us..
The futile efforts of men, fools who shall never look beyond, and never understand the reason for their ever lasting pain..
Who shall never find the happiness of freedom..
The show goes on, even if they close their eyes and turn their backs..
We stay.. forever.. eternal..
These are not the best laid plans, it is the only plan, and the only path..
Give in to them or stand and fight, choose you own way, destiny will play her part anyway and then we shall see.. the spectacle of a lifetime and beyond..
Forever and always..

-The undefeated

Would it be a crime
If i steal a stray thread from the fabric of time?

Perhaps i could gather
all the stray strands
that time has forgotten all over the universe
and sew myself a cloak..

The cloak of invisibility..
invisibility against time..

We could then run with it and yet retain ourselves..

Would it be a crime? :)

BP- you are a criminal!!
CP- awww... :)

BP - yeah babe happy new year!
CP- saaaaiiimmmeee to yaauuu!!

hang on something doesn't seem quite right here!
What the heck! have a good one then! :) :)