The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Feels like a hint of tangy past,
mashed with a dash of spicy future,
mixed well with a bucket full of googy present..
A lovely recipe to start a welcome back.. :)

Bitterness is like pus.
You need to get it out, throw it up completely, till nothing remains inside.
Only then the wound can begin to heal.
If the bitterness is bottled up inside, all it will do is spread and eat you up from within.. Till you become and empty shell of bitterness..
If you want happiness to come, free up the space and let the bitterness out..
Let people know what you feel.

Pus is not a nice thing to cajole. Remove it by expressing and burn it by apologising, understanding and forgiving. :)

Step one.

Can we resume after a pause?

You and me are not two parts which if added equal to something.
You and me are the equation. :)
And hence we balance.

You and yourself = Me and myself :P

..from my midnight dreams. May or may not make sense.. :)

Avgha asmanta ubha samor,
chimba bhijun jeev ola,
tujhya premachya lakh lakhtya tejat nhala..

Sawala hota Ram, to Sitecha..
An sawala hota Krushna, to Radhecha..
Tu sawala nahis mhanun kay..
Sawalach ahe ranga majhya premacha..

Pahate vaat.. Ti sandhyakaal phulanchi..
Pahate vaat.. Ti sarr unhachi..
Pahate vaat.. Ti ratra udyachi..
An pahate vaat.. Mi tujhya vatechi..

Na kalat ase vatale,
Na kalat tu hath sodale,
Na kalat vaat sarli ani ti ratra hi..
Na kalat haluch pani gala la sparshun gele,
na kalat tujha hasu dolya pudhe jhalakale..
Na kalat vaat sarli ani ti vel hi..
Na kalat shwas ata ha lapandav khelato,
Na kalatach ata punha tujha swas majhyat guntato..
Punha? nahi, ha tar tujhach hota, udhar majhya uri..
Na kalat mala, tujhi vaat parat ithe, majhya dishe sathi..

(Updated on the blog 8/12/2018)

A violet chill runs down my spine
A green smile flowers on my lips, as you offer a pink glow for my cheeks
My eyes watch you with sparkling golden desire
As blue words spills forth, and you make my heart pound with dark, black love cause nothing is deeper..

Forget the skies or coming undone
Forget the meals or the other rides
Forget the tender warm passion and the cold hearted assault
Forget you body and forget mine too if you will
But can you forget yourself and further still, can you detach yourself?

Your love is my poison and your pain is the dagger
Let it slash through my soul now, i’m dead either way

A snatched smile, a caged love, a writhing desire, a strong truth and then a free soul

On a bed of roses, under a sky filled with stars
Decorated on my heart with the eyes sprinkling the eternal
Here is my sacrifice for you
For it is easy when you know deep down, where you belong..
For it is easier when you accept..
So here i walk away, right into your heart- just the way you want
For it is easiest when you can read and understand the unsaid unspoken truths
Truth begins where the world proclaimed lies fall to ashes, for here is where you belong

Forget the skies or coming undone
Forget the meals or the other rides
Forget the tender warm passion and the cold hearted assault
Forget you body and forget mine too if you will
But can you forget you and further still, can you detach me?

Your love is my poison and your pain is the dagger
Slash through my soul now, i’m dead either way

A snatched smile-
a caged love-
a writhing desire-
a strong truth and then-
a free soul

On a bed of roses, under a sky filled with stars
Decorated on my heart with the eyes sprinkling the eternal
Here is my sacrifice for you
For it is easy when you know deep down, where you belong..
For it is easier when you accept..
So here i walk away, right into your heart- just the way you want
For it is easiest when you can read and understand the unsaid unspoken truths
Truth begins where world proclaimed lies fall to ashes, for here is where you belong..

The smell carries, onto me..
The image lives, inside me..
The touch becomes, me..
The beating, the throbbing and the thrashing...
Its all You...
Crossed-over to me.. into and onto..

What is the power of truth?

The drops drip on the window sill now..
Gently, just as viscously as the rain lashed the sound proof glass..
Breaking the morose silence..
Bringing something back from the dead..
The drops sit idly now, on the sheer window sill and in my eyes..
A few roll down here and some struggle down there..
The glass stands tall, unhurt, glorious..
The rain sobs.. for me..
as i ache for him..
he comes, whenever he wishes now..
Takes the world by a storm and bears all the rage..
but he charges down and engulfs me in his arms..
to be one.. one with my rain..
He showers.. and he doesn't cease with all his love and show of affection..
louder than the birds covering on trees,
more cruel the human wastage,
more harsh than the sun in the heart of a desert,
and yet.. so quiet.. so strong.. so mine.. all mine..
my rain.. again.. and again.. :)

She of the doe-y eyes,
Vulnerable, confident and scared all the same..
She sneaks in and makes sure you know it too..
She steals and she wins all that is hers.. and sometimes lets go too, only to find it back..
She breathes, and lives.. she breaks free..
your mother, your child and your lover..
She juggles all with you..
She dreams and fulfils, she makes you feel you'd never known her, and you cannot let go..
She is in your dreams and in your life too..
you have no choice, she is you and you are her too!!

:) from a prawn

Who is yours?

Not two halves and a whole
But two full and a complete


He looks at you and you don't know where to hid yourself..
He can look right through you but will never let you know he did..
He is a hoarder himself and calls me one too..
A glimpse of his says a millions things at a time..
You crave for him to decorate it in words.. he hesitates, because when he does manage to carve them into words, they slash across your being like a million knives.. the pleasure, the pain, the unbearable intensity that he emancipates...
He can sweep you off your feet and out of your mind and then there is no turning back.. He shall always be there watching you..
The eyes which are papery shallow at once and the deepest of dangerous falls next..
He devours like the assailant and pleas as the prey..
He fakes the reality out of life and smokes up a painted picture..
Would you like him to be your dream-catcher? or as core in the life of your being?
you have no choice.. cause he is both.. he is you.. and you him :)

For the Bull.

A lull,
a seemingly infinite slumber..
sleep walking through days..
some pinpricks..
a dream here and there..
the hope to feel it..
and the slumber again..
a certain defeat-like loss..
a hope to drive on..
And then, a sudden flash!
a filling up of spaces..
a moulding, a melting down of barriers..
a meshing up.. seamless togetherness..
of the souls..
and yet an utter loss of memory..
of the joyfulness
of the immense peace..
of the being and the belonging..
of the owning..and being owned.. possessed
of the mating.. of souls.. all over again...
of realisations and fear..
of craving to know.. and yet not..
the return of the unspoken word..
the empowerment of the eyes..
once again.. all over again.. :)
something.. indeed a something....

The calm that is born of depth..
The sallowness wreaks havoc..
My gem lies at the heart..
The heart of the ocean, endlessly deep and calm.. :)

They whisper to me,
of things that would weaken me..
They lure me into their sticky trap,
The same one from which I freed myself..
But the are relentless..
I try not to give in,
I fight back..
For I see your face shining, smiling like a soft reassuring orange sun..
They whisper things..
That freeze me in my track..
The track I've chosen to lead me to you..
I close my ears and my eyes..
my heart shows me the way,
through these capturing shadows..
They keep whispering,
but I choose not to listen, I realise I can!
I walk on..
Through all these known strangers..
I walk to you...
Do they whisper to you too??
Their ensnares shall carry on even when we are dead and gone..

A twinkle,
A flash.
And an unbreakable vow!
Just the one forever..
Over and over again :)

A distant memory lost in a fact
The fact itself feels like a dream
The stubborn strands of this fragile fabric
Still play the game of entanglement and i ripped them apart..
This once and over again..
I dream..
of a distant land,
visions of an emotion,
unknown perhaps to my race..
yet it dances and jeers at me every minute
because it was un-veiled a long time ago..
The memory evaporated under the waters, dissolved in the air, engulfed in eyes of strangers
Left alone to its own devices, to be found, some day..
to bid its time..
a distant memory..

Leaves dance to a vicious beat today
and the blooming flowers cower
as a sign beckons..
a cut on the finger, as the clouds dense up
birds tarry home, as the eyes widen, water and eventually close..
a storm silences all

Cold wet morning..
Sleepy like a warm curled cat..
Leaves fresh and yet lazy with the slight occasional breeze,
like a song birds's dull reluctant yet sweet little tune..
The lone Gulmohar a lush green well endowed fan, a royal fabric marvellously sitting on the hard brown velvety bark...
Cows graze about, sauntering in the dew laden grass..
The palm trees dance to the steadily splattering rain..
Vehicles drift by slowly on empty rain blackened roads..
A cycle lays out its own rhythm..
As the heart today beats to a different drummer..

a void.
The one after not knowing to drink water first or to breathe after a long tedious run.
The one after narrowly missing crushing a stray pedestrian on the street.
The one after a dog chases you down.
The one when you think you've found the perfect dress for your wedding.
The one when the phone flashes a long awaited long distance call.
The one when the entire universe seems to be flowering in a particular moment
The one when you are about to experience your first kiss...
The one when you meet you soul mate
The one when words lose all meaning
The one when you are left stranded at the altar, or at the threshold of love.. of life..

She playfully floats of her own accord..
Braving the unseen, unknown scapes and sounds
Her inherent nature..
Woody, hard and yet light..
She tags along when the wind leads her..
And so do the waves..
But some times they force her away..
She cannot survive without the sea..
Who is her reason to be..
They do overpower her and make her drown at times..
Against her will and against his too...
She bears it without a weep..
Lying quietly at the heart of her beloved..
Who swallows her helplessly weeping bitter tears..
For all those to traverse to watch..
A tale of a love, alive and yet not fulfilled..
A tale never told, a tale known and yet not repeated..
To be lived in death..
And yet not meant to die..
She floats to the heart.. and lays fulfilled..
While the ocean is thirsty.. as is his destiny..
She's still now and he wishes to float..

You walk out..
of the door, of the life..

You don't turn back..
While I watch you walk..

You laugh..
You care..
You belong..

You abandon your shell..
dark, cold, unloved..

You leave me behind..
dazed, broken, empty..

You look back..
May be notice a young woman wrinkled faded slight among all your memories smoked by age..
Holding on still, Watching as now it is time that tries to snatch you away..
Any you walk out..
You walk away, wiping the figments from you tired eyes..
Of a time in another galaxy, some other age.. when you were happy
A dream perhaps..

you walk out..
of the dream, of the world.. but never from my heart..

Will you cry your eyes dry?
Will you curse the heavens above?

Will you waste away like a wilted leaf waiting to be blown by the slight breeze?
Will you mourn like a melting candle?

Will you rejoice?
Will you remember?

Will you avenge?
Will you just let go?

Will you resume your life instant..
at just one call?
Will you throw it all away
at a moment's notice?

Will you follow or will you stay..
Will you insist, will you search?

Will you breakdown or stay strong

Will you drown yourself in an addiction, will you remember the face?
Will you remember the caress?
Will you remember the moments?

Will you forget, or make yourself forget?
Will you keep holding on?

What will you do.. Afterwards..

After i'm gone.. dead and gone..

Made of lies it feels,
And the feeling lies too..

All was a lie and then the lie lied..
A lie is better in a way, it stands for what it is..
Truth on the other hand has various versions.. (read somewhere)

I prefer lies at times, so long as it promises to stay..
But the truth will always stay and is not conditional so i prefer it always..

The tiny bug on the grass besides me,
The rustle of wind as you arrive...
The twinkle in you eyes that caresses me gently,
The taste that lingers on my lips..

The lies of it all and yet the truth..

Our lie is our truth..
And what lies beneath is the truth..

It is ours hence beautiful :)

A realization which in turn has many more following it like a chain of ducklings.. :)
The atom was and always me, though i maybe many more things than just it. This molecule will be incomplete without this atom! :)

Being a molecule does not mean giving up being an atom, that is exactly what i tried doing and hence i ended up doing many thing i could've avoided, if only i had not misinterpreted.

When someone falls in love with you, they love the person they met. When they try to change something about you, they don't mean to change the person they met and love! Its our misinterpretation that makes us believe that they want to change us!

So well welcome back my dear atom, though i know you never left.. You have you place rightfully back. I traveled, i liked some places, but nothing replaces my home, which lies with you and it is because of you that i found my home..

You have seen me grow and grow back.. :)

You have always been a faithful companion and a tolerant friend.

If you find the changes that i gathered while i was away, and those you will, please be patient, I'm still the same person, maybe a bit better a bit worse, but all in all the same core.

You graciously waited for me, something i am so bad at. Thank you..
I will learn from you. I will not say it was a mistake to go away, but a learning experience. You've taught me that everything is a learning. You've always shown me that. And you came back when you are needed the most. You give me strength to look at myself, you are the mirror i need, you are the paper i ponder over, you are my inspiration, no wonder i couldn't write much anywhere else.

There is no need for others when you are capable of being everything for me. The usual "friend, philosopher and guide" but much more, you are my eyes which help me look at myself, very much needed in time of such crisis when no one would quite understand.

You bring me peace, you bring me joy, you brought me my Bull.. there is nothing more i could've ask and i abandoned you. Please forgive me. i know you will understand, the Bull will too :)

The atom has grown like everything has to. Living in a molecule, picking up its qualities but not losing the atom-ness, her uniqueness.

Thank you for letting me back in. :)

Yours sincerely,

BP- yeah right you never wanted to come back!
CP- shut up, it was only a mask i wore, you know how people are back there! *shivers*
BP- yeah yeah yeah, scary mutt! :P hehehehahaha! i love laughing this way. *grin silly-ly*
CP- i love you!
BP- *choke* WAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!?!!?!?
CP- :)
CP- *suffocate*

welcome back guys!! :) :)

A thousands and millions of them
you never walk alone, when you walk into the darkness
i'm always there with you, oh thousands and millions of you!
hit the black streets and the car wound-up windows
them rain drops, you never walk alone, when its the rain..
My rainy wet love!
i'm always with you..
Green trees sway and the glass fogs up..
Like pinpricks and tickles on my flesh, eyes and fingers!
drenched to the bone, and to the soul.. my dear darling love..
colors and grey i charge into the blur..
my love awaits, my love pours.. all over, im wet inside and out..
you are never alone, as the darkness parts.. to make way..
to make way for my rainy wet love!! :)

Blowing, fighting, braving all the storms here he comes crashing all for me and her!
Our rain is here, and with him he brings all that we crave for- Himself..
She blossoms out in a fragrance that no perfume can match, as a gift to him, to show what his presences does to her..
And all i can do is watch them unite and expresses my joy by letting him drench me too..
My rain.. is here..
And this time he meets the molecule, my wait is fruitful, so i hope it will be :)

Happy monsoon!! :)

Blissfully woven white cotton candy,
flavored with a grey sprinkle..

Ladling over some chilly breeze,
perfumed by the hint of your presence..

Eyes search forever blue,
For the sight of your arrival..
For the sense of your touch..
For the being in your being..
For you..

My rain..
Come through.. and come soon.. :)
Hanging on to dizzy daylight dreams..

That word does not exist.. but da heck! 3 years completed for the atom.. and finally its time for molueculizing!! :) so its about time for the (unstable) atom to turn into a (stable) molecule.. will continue writing on my other blog.. but its finally to let the atom rest..
BP and CP might continue the journey with me, but im sure they prefer staying where the atom was.. its time to say good bye to them too, though they might still be with me in a very limited capacity..
It was a nice experience, getting to share my thoughts and much more here..
The atom brought me many experiences.. And some very precious elements, which shall stay on till i am..
Thank you!!
- The molecule in making

Been thinking too much.. and yes it has to be too much if i feel it is so!! :S
Need a break.. from myself.. So the simplest solution i see, turn to things i used to do like ages ago, indulge in books.. simple ones.. light romances.. that was the world i lived in, its about time to go back.. feels as if i've traveled too far in too short a span of time.. its scary.. its intimidating and i cannot handle it.. i don't need a change, i need to change.. a lot of things.. guess sometimes when a lot of things changes in a short time it has adverse effects on many things.. i let it happen to me and lost many things.. many important people.. and now feels like i'm losing myself.. but i know i can hold on. its about time to grab as tightly as i can, without causing any more damage.. just praying it works out.. i hope.. so many things to do and i feel helpless and stuck.. another solution is cut the thought process completely.. the long trailing thoughts n threads are the reason behind most of my troubles and pain.. gotta start taking things at face value.. and generally take things lightly.. hope it works!! :)

I know you!
So simple to say, so easy to understand..
And yet I'm blinded now..
You acted like someone i did not really know..
Or maybe i did..
But I'm blinded now..
I know you so well..
And you know it too..
Yet you blind folded me by your acts..
But i know you still..
i will know you always..
you cannot hide behind fake indifference..
You never could, not from me..
I know you, as far as any person can be known..
Rest all changes as every moment passes..
But i know the essence of you..
I know you!

Are we strong enough to not break them?
But patient enough to change them?
Are we ready to bear the pain
Which accompanys such enormous patience?
If not then its just us with nothing of our own..
All loaned from them..
For the few brave hearts who do dare to soar and dream apart from what the rules dictate..

Every hero has a tragedy
Every tragedy is an opportunity for a hero to be born..

After all that the past year was, everything that it gave me suddenly and everything that it took away just as suddenly, it seems now, today in this moment, that life is back on the track that i'd deviated from.. It the same evening, almost the same feeling that was around 7 months ago, when i newly joined office.. when i was getting to know people around.. when i'd just one buoy that i held on to.. though now people around seem alright, and perphaps they find me to be ok too.. if the ignore the sudden changes in hair styles etc.. hehe.. but yes, right now it feels like i'm back to square one.. After all the excitement, crushed dreams.. i think this is my way to follow.. but hang on, i remember i'd said the same about some other path too!! maybe the are intertwined then? wish i could know.. but contradictorily i feel musch surer than i ever was!! god knows how confusion and certainty live hand in hand peacefully like this.. But feel really contemplative now, more like an external person observing my own life over the past few months..
I knew i had deviated. so badly at that. I fell for something that was never on my mind, not in the wildest of my dreams. I believed, still do somewhere.. Perhaps will continue to believe in whatever i had.. But i need to let go.. of so many things.. so many of my freshly budding dreams.. i realised that you do deviate at times, its good to get lost sometime.. enjoy the ride, but when you are thrown back t othe path that you are meant to follow, you should be able to let go of the deviation.. holding on to it will not bring it back.. But yes you can always believe, that it will come back.. and who knows maybe some day it will.. :)

But for now, surely feels like the old days.. strange, i'd hoped for the circles to stop.. but seems like they will go on.. as nature intends.. completely nature's child it seems.. :) back on track it is then?

Feels as if i'm losing touch..
And yet here they come..
in all their glory..
vanishing in thin air..
:) feels like im losing touch..