The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Thought i would write an exceptional post about the year that was.. About so many things that happened, in every facet of my life.. But there are no words that can do justice to what this year has been.. It has been everything.. and nothing.. and being nothing, it has been everything.. :)
Just a huge heap of nostalgia on my heart and mind.. probably will spend the last moments of the year re-living it... It has been heavily distinct in its features and all that it has given me, taken away from me, made me feel.. everything has been very different than usual, and different than the normal different too..
I lost myself completely, lost friendship, lost the love that i wanted and had.. gained some of it back again.. learned a lot of lessons, yes there was a lot of learning.. Understanding that i cannot avoid the painful process of growing up.. Though i thought i was not afraid of it, i surely am not comfortable with it.. Growing up and all that it entails, including patience and a lot of waiting.. I understood that i am growing up, and growing as a person, towards being a better one.. I understood that this pain is the thing that has kept me alive, and that helps me grow.. Cause the metal has to go through fire that the diamond has to bear pain to become what they are really meant to be.. to unleash the potential within..
This year was one of its kind.. A turning point in many facets of my life.. A major mile stone in discovering myself, or atleast i gained some mileage in the process of discovering.. There is so much to talk about, though i've written about everything all through the year.. This time, the circle has been opened.. And hopefully it will not close again for me.. Let history be it, and be at peace.. I've found a way to go, and i've decided to stick to the path, atleast a little longer than what i usually would, and here lays the difference of past and present, the future anyway remains elusive.. :)
But the strongest feeling is that of nostalgia.. and then the excitement of walking on the chosen path.. into the new year!

Happy New Year all!! :) Hope you have a fulfilling peaceful year ahead.. have a blast.. and keep rocking.. remember, what you want lays within you.. reach within yourself and reach out to them outside.. :) cheers!!

The stars shall shine down on you, lightening up your path, every dark night..
The sun will glow upon your rested eyes and give you strength for another day..
May god bless you with abundance and fulfillment.. and heaps of love, inside and out.. :)

Happy christmas... :) Hope you all have a great year and life ahead, full of peace, love and fulfulliment.. :)

They lay subdued..
Deep inside..
The warm flecks curled up trapped in the cold..
Silent..
For a space of their own..
They lay there.. Bidding their time..

I got all the color,
I got light..
and i got someone to hold me tight..
I slunk to the bottom,
and rose to the top..
And then i was a flop..
I grew up and i grew strong..
Sometimes it feel right and sometimes just all wrong..
I fought, i won..
I got it all back...
Yet now before i hit the sack..
I look at the way,
and wonder, when was my big day?
which is my big day?

A way to go, the desire to, too...
why get bogged down then, when you are doing what you have to,
obstacles come, n so will they go..
Keeping the flame of will, hope and love alive..
For we have miles to go..
Before we meet.. And that is when the journey shall begin..

When you feel elated for no reason at all..
When there's excited laughter bursting to be let loose..
When you just can't stop smiling..
When there is a reason but it eludes you..
And still it doesn't matter..
When you are in a state of bliss..
And nothing matters,
When you are yourself! :)

What happens when two mirrors are kept facing each other? They reflect, infinity.. eternity..
If something else comes in front of them, they reflect that too..
But its not the same..
It keeps searching for the the mirror..
They have to be two of a kind..
And once they meet, there's no turning back..
Mirrored souls..
Your soul mirrors..
And so does mine.. :) Till eternity..

My forever as begun..

They come to my rescue as always!! ;)
just needed some persuading this time..
some grime of sadness bogging them down, some dust of having wrongly used them.. needed cleaning..
That is the reason they hesitated i think.. One of the very few times they hesitated.
But they still trust me.. :) So here they come..
They bring back my life, they bring back a connection i cannot breathe without.. They found me my life, and they brought him to me.. They still hold him to me.. They always will..
Its him that they come out for.. Always did, and always will..
No wonder they go into that shell of theirs, when i don't use them appropriately..
But i know now.. Well they too know i did not mean them, maybe that's why they did not like it, why use them if they are not meant to be! :O :)
But they've come to my rescue.. To be there with me, to remind me of all the wonders they can make happen, of how well they can express the deepest of feelings.. sometimes by sagas and sometimes just a single dot.. :)
So here they are to celebrate, the being.. Their and mine.. and of all the things we've expressed together.. All the things they've brought to me.. including you.. :)
They are here with me still.. We celebrate the story that they initiated.. The story which we tried to ruin with all we had, and yet it stays.... They shall make sure of it.. Since it is upto them, their reputation to keep it together. :) No matter what.. :) so here we celebrate this realization.. While i apologize with all i have, for using them wrongly, for saying things i never meant. Thanking them, for the strength they gave me to use them. I'm sorry for not using them correctly. A celebration of rescue, thanksgiving, apologizing and hoping.. A hope that never dies.. :) A hope brought forth by them.. For a story that still goes strong..
Thank you and I'm sorry..

A bull and a prawn..
Where will their story take them?

Can't wait for forever to begin..

Let me breathe unto you,
the magic that you've woven over me
Each shining grain, filling color in my ears
Each fleck of the spell,
that binds me to you
A spell that is not.
Deep and warm, making my skin glow
The dark studded with silver,
Like your slight peck on my cheek
Let me breathe you in,
into me...
Like dragonflies and ripples on water
Like the touch of skin, soft, subtle, silk
The rough edges of a bike ride
into the mountain roads
Like winey swollen lips, cradled in each other's arms
Let me breathe in,
the sigh that carries you, over all the oceans to me..
To be meshed with mine..
Oh! Sigh away..
My lullaby, and my drug..
Your sigh, the music of my life..
Your sigh, that carries you over all distances, to me.
That binds you to me..
Speaking of things unsaid,
Like the whispers of a lover, in the wake of a sleepy sun..
Our song, for life.. and beyond..

Its so weird! Realisations, Analogies, what have you!
When i was a kid, i always wanted mom to make ice cream at home. but she used to say its a tedious process. i don't remember exactly, but i've got this process of making ice cream at home in mind, which involved constantly letting the mixture cool, and putting it through the mixer n disturbing it again, n den letting it settle and then again disrupting it. So what i just realised is, that the same is happening to me. These negative thoughts, n the questioning, doubting side of me, keeps disrupting the mixture of emotions and decisions in my mind. And then they get settled again after a while, n i feel stronger. Its so weird.. It is said that by this process of making ice cream, it becomes richer n smoother, there are less of granules or things sticking out of it..
So i guess i'm in one such process, of constantly going in the mixer of the negativity, and then snapping out of it. Its helping me see how fragile my negative self is becoming! And strengthening me, and my decisions, with each snap out of the negative phase! :O :)

BP: you are my ice cream queen..babay! :D
CP: yeah i've been thru one of those. why do you think i can bear your darling BP, and still be so sane? :)

It withdraws..
One sunny afternoon..
Beneath the shade of an old forlorn tree..
It watches, eyes wide shut.. Everything that passes..
Within and without..
It withdraws..
From the intensity, from the depth..
One fresh morning..
Atop a sulking mountain..
It feels, tightly covered.. Everything that caresses..
Around and away..
It withdraws..
One gay night..
In the lights that brighten up faces, and streets, and hearts..
It listens, ear drums bursting.. Everything that plays..
Above and below..
It withdraws..
One moment in life..
Within itself.. Just being.. Everything and nothing..
Being..
It withdraws, It waits..
It tells a story and listens to it too..
But it is muted and it is deaf..
It feels not, and becomes nothing..
It withdraws.. waiting for it to end..