The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

He: Tell me again why i still love you so much..
She: Its not love, only infatuation.

She: I love you too..


I paint my nails these days
That's the only color in life

(Catching the seahorse bug. Check him out: )

WHY! does it happen that just when things seem to be going alright.. Just taking baby steps towards being alright, do they have to fall over?!! Like completely fall apart?!!? Be it relations, work, studies!! anything!! It seems like a bug that i've caught on to of late!! :( Just too frustrating when things are about to reach a certain point before they just collapse!!!! i mean fine if something goes wrong on the way.. you can set it right.. but everything is going fine.. and exactly at the last moment it goes completely haywire! :O i mean WHY!! :O :O :( GGGRRRRrrrrr.. trying hard to not let these things get to me, and affect my moods making them even worse than before.. but just cannot help taking things out from office! :( :( it will get back alright.. can be properly mended.. but why should it go wrong in the first place!! so many efforts.. wish i could've been more careful.. hating every bit of this carelessness.. :( hope i can do better here on.. :( :(
Just about EVERYTHING is falling apart.. even apart from work.. Just after making certain decision.. and trying to stick to them.. Why is this sadness loneliness just waiting to grope at me? its obscene the way it comes charging and takes control of everything inside..
How much ever you try.. to just be.. to stick to decision why do they always go out of hand? if its a test i do not want to give it. im not prepared.
the bitter taste of things falling apart stays on.. :( :( why?

Water inching down slowly..
down the drench skin..
The beats echo..
Ear drums take the blows of the sticks
Being one with the skins..
It pours outside with some thunder too, lightens up the empty street, time and again..
The beats are me.. and so are the sticks, and the skins..
Some soft steam from an old coffee mug, fogging a tiny part of the window glass..
The eyes close then and muscles tense..
The beats play a crecendo..
And then when none can go on no more,
ireduces to a soft thud..
Lazy caressing of the skins and the metal..
And then the smile...
A sip of the coffee...
Acknowledging the wetness and the warmth, head to toe..
The beat still echoes..
Readying for the next..

That night was drunk..
on alcohol. on broken dreams. on pain. on one word.
-a dangerous cocktail.

That night was unbelieveably, drunk.
That night stole me from you.

Knotted. Right from the beginning
and yet attempted to be solved..
cut open if not undone, Burnt if not opened..
Yet they do not separate,
not matter what we try..
The knots remain,
etched in time..
For all the time to come..
knotted strands of the souls..
Each strand knotted with the other's..
A fabric of love,
immortal, though the mortals shelter it, do not shelter it.
It remains immortal..
Knotted knots..
Cut wide open, burnt, drowned, and yet they are still there..
Knotted in eternity, with the fabric of time..
Their souls shall stay.. Knotted

The world melts around
Everything is noticed, a blur or color and light
A smile surprises, when was it born?
Walking a thousand miles, away..
Hide and Seek..
In one's arms, and then the other's i sway..
You remain rooted, and yet you follow..
His face reflects,
Every perfume imitates,
Every touch is copied,
Ensnaring my senses..
Its you.
For we shall stay..
Forever, for the other.
In another.

Nip it in the bud. Don't let it grow.
Kill it, murder it. Don't let it live.
If this seed flowers, it will only taint the love that sowed it.
Don't let it grow. Kill it and murder what sowed it too.
It will die anyway.

Thought i'd write..
but what could i?
they said i should
i feel so too
but what should i?
So i just let them flow..
the words..
They come and they go.
as they please..
like a breeze on a wind..
they mean a lot at time..
and then they make no sense at all..
the words, the letters, the ramble and the jumble..
i'd thought i would write..
wonder what i should?
so i just let them pass by,
the thoughts and feelings, the crude and the fine..
the words..
come and go as they please..
not meaning a thing and the world at times! :)
I write..
i write..

I see a star, from my bedside window..
The first one ever, since i started looking out of this one..
It blinks unnaturally, and it bobs (!) knowingly..
It is a shiny star, or is it?
Is it a random star, or a planet? perhaps a plane, or some alien spaceship??
But why is it staring down at me?
It wants to lead me somewhere,
It wants me to follow..
I try to see, but i hold back, what if..
What if its not where i want to go?
I look away, i think..
Think hard..
I look back, and its still there, waiting..
It keeps blinking madly and ever slowly inching away..
Mysterious, Smiles.
And yet u cannot understand,
A smile is the universal language, isn't it literally universal?
The stars are always there,
Always watching,
And the always know..
But what is this one doing here tonight?
How did it manage to get my attention?
How did it float upto my window and get my attention?
And then my unsuspecting mind grabs it..
The skies that it soars,
The path that it lights up,
The secrets that it is tempted to reveal,
It is a sign.

I pen this down and turn to look back at it,
But its gone.
Disappeared behind the cloudy galaxy? or taken off on its own? Was it never there? or really a sign then?

Did not know i will return so soon!! :O but then who knows anything? :) So here it is..

I stood stranded,
Still, un-moving, staring ahead..
The empty roads beckoning me,
yet again.
The time to turn back,
is long gone..
The palaces of sand and dreams,
have vanished behind me, as a sand storm blew,
just when i turned to look ahead,
at the empty roads..
yet again.
A journey beckons me..
This time its a complete stranger..
Time shows me the way,
hope, my hopeless companion, still holds on tight..
Apprehension, fear tag at my heart..
the soul is empty..
and yet a journey is required of me..
There are signs now..
the ones that i never knew of, never noticed,
or maybe, refused to believe..
But a journey calls me..
A journey, just a journey..