The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Not a good-bye, but a see you later..
Not an "a dieu" but an "au revoir"
Because the journey of the atom continues..
Its time for some rest, and some reflection..
An attempt to look at all the other things that seem to have appeared out of thin air,
Though they were always there..
Numerous reasons for attempting to unravel the unstable atom, and numerous for a break too..

Sometimes ink stained fingers are just better...


CP: good, i needed a nice break anyway, was over worked!
BP: man!! i had just started warming up gurl!! n now a holiday! :O but yipppeee!! naything is gooooooood!! :D i anyway had that one mountain in mind.. n some beach too!! :D cheers amigo! :D seee yaaaaa!!

PS: My other blog is still functional.. :)
many thanks to all the followers for being there for me.. :) it means a lot! hang on and you might get to read more someday from the unstable atom as well.. the open book that life is.. good luck.. and god bless..

Decide a path
Stick to it no matter what
Follow it to the world's end
And when the path itself gives up?
Stare in disbelief
Or just start all over again

A pice of paper
Scribbled all over
Torn into a thousand pieces
And asked to live each one together

They lay on the wind now
The ashes do
Sometime they would brush you too..
Perhaps you would remember, maybe you won't..
They've gone off with the wind and the fire,
The memories, the souvernirs
They freed me from their clutches
On the wind they lay now
The people, the feelings and some parts of me turned to ashes..

Re-embarking on the journey left mid-way
Finding the way to that path left alone
Through the lanes and bi-lanes that distracted

Never the rainbows,
always the clouds..

Never the silver lining,
always the darkness..

Never the dancing trees,
always the floods..

Never the care,
always the hurt..

She gets picked up
By one and then another
She plays a game
she gambles
Her heart is the bait and so is her smile
She looks but fails to notice the sly glint of lust and deception
She gets picked up and then she gets dropped off
Sometimes in luxury
Sometimes in a shady bar downtown a grime filled alley
Someone calls her princess of his heart
yet another leaves her on the sidewalk
she gambles she plays a game
may the best man win, and so he does
he wins the game of running around
he never tires
and then she falls broken
back to the game
with her heart as the bait
she plays
she gambles

i notice myself..
from a lone balcony, as i walk on the road..
i look at the couples, whispering sweet nothings,
i stare at the naked lies..
how well they wear love..
everyone of them.. as if it was stitched on them..
wrapped in gifts n loving words,
in caresses laced with fake care..
oh the quicksand of lies, and the fall deeper inside..
and yet the don't notice..
they will suffocate, when the lie explodes, in the white light of truth..
the colors will show then, they will know..
the fake emotions will all die, and they will die in unison..

i look up to see the jet leave smokey white trails in the velvety indigo night sky..
i stumble on my feet in the rubble of the well trodden road..
i notice some stale crumbs of bread, untouched after having fallen there..
the jet returns, and flies overhead again..
something is stuck to my sole, or so i feel..
can't get ride of it so i let it be..
n carry on walking, as people watch me pass..
everyone with a place to go to..
with someone to call their own..
while i listen to rings, which then go dead..
cursing my destiny and wondering at it all..

The time has come..
Change intertwined as never before..
The time has come..
To leave myself behind.
The memories are from another life..
To be forgotten as a shadow in the fog, from a running train..
The scar will fade, however deep the wounds..
The time has come to starting coming alive..
all over again..
The time has come to let go, all that comes with life..
The eyes will glass over, there shall be teething pains..
But the scars will fade cause its time has come..

in the distance someone calls..
my limbs feel nothing..
whose voice is that, it bothers the slumber..
is this a dream?
why am i mangled?
it was a bright sunny day..
or was that a night?
what is it now?
there is no time..
a breeze.. cold..
are those lights or stars?
why is everything dark and wet?
i cannot breathe..!!
thrashing about..
its cold..
There is some pain.. distant..
the voice has stopped..
i want it back, i feel scared alone..
the pain grows.. slowly but heavily..
my heartbeats quicken..
i cannot control them..
was there rain involved?
and some medicines..
or maybe a dream..
i try to pinch but nothing moves,
my limb are frozen..
the voice calls again..
im disturbed, my concentration breaks..
it was a night.. i remember the bricks and the marks that they left.. brick marks.. i remember the pain..
the pain is increasing, crossing the threshold of my patience.. my ability to contain..
it was the heart which broke..
how is there blood everywhere?
its all red..
i see someone.. the voice.. the love.. the pain.. white hot.. i can see darkness.. i go blank.. like a tv when the power is cut off..

I sometimes feel like the silly girl.
Who runs away from home, from people who love her, adore her, care for her..
For someone she loves much more..
For someone who promised her the sun and the stars..
For someone who promised to leave the whole world behind if she would go with him..
For someone who said he loved her like he loved no one before..
For someone who made her come alive..
For someone who opened a whole new array of possibilities..
For someone who gave her new dreams.. beautiful dreams..
For someone who gave her a hope to live..
For someone who gave a new life.. For herself and within her.. A bud of love thriving inside..
And the time came, she left her old world behind.. Knowing her love will be there with open arms waiting for her.. To run away with her, go to far off lands.. to keep loving her the way he always did, and promised..
She knew her dreams were coming true, she knew she had found the love she waited for so long..
She waited.. and she waited.. only to get stood up at the altar.
The altar, she decorated with everything she could gather from within her..
The altar they both had dreamt of together..
She waited still..
Untill one day her close ones took her home as she stared into nothingness.. She stared at the door..
She waited still..
Untill the news came that he was already long gone on a journey he always intended to take without her..
And she waited..
With tears rolling down.. She did not know what this meant.. why the tears.. when there is so much love in both hearts..
She waited.. Still..
While is was away on a journey that he promised he would never go on without her..
The journey he promised had her name on it with his..
He lives a life that he promised was hers to share..
She waited.. Still..
She waits.. Hoping to wake up from this nightmare..
Hoping for him to jump from behind some door and awaken her vacant eyes by telling it was all a prank..
She waits..
At the altar, made of love, promises and hope.. And truth..
She waits.. For the nightmare to end..
The silly girl, still trusts in love..
The silly girl, still wishes its all a joke..
The silly girl, still hopes.. still hopes what they had was true..
The silly girl, still wonders if he thinks of her while he is with that woman..
Still wonders if that woman was on his mind when he was with her..
The silly girl, who will always be a girl.. A little girl waiting for her prince charming..
Falling for the fake charm, and white lies told right to her face..
The silly girl..

Last night i felt the heart of a friend. The warmth of that patient heart. I also sensed the heart of a lover trying to over-come it.. But a friend will always be a friend and that love is much stronger than that of a lover.. :)
Let you heart be as patient and strong and selfless as a friend's and you will be a better lover.. You will always be a friend.. A friend is always a friend even if he is a lover..

And someone always told me there are no free lunches.. Well now we know.. :) Generosity, kindness, love and many more are free of cost.. they are free of all conditions.. Only when they are not done out of obligation and duty are they true.. When done out of obligation and duty, they cease to be what they are, and turn into something as dead and lifeless as an obligation.. What is the point of living a life which is not spontaneous any more.. Which is burried beneath a load of duty and carries a burden of murder and death of love and emotions? Duty is duty.. not to be mixed with emotions like love.. I feel pity for people who do exactly this.. and kill something which could've flourished..

Past few months have been a roller coaster. Well i know most of my life has been nothing but that as most of you very well know.. But past few months were nothing like i ever imagined.. Feelings that i never thought existed.. The was pain, but a joy so much greater! And then suddenly it all ceases to exist! I wallow in grief.. like never before. There has never been anything as beautiful, or maybe i killed what i had.. When all this is happening, at this very moment.. I think i can never get over this.. I feel closer to what people call a nervous break down.. I did things some one only very desperate to hold on would.. But now from somewhere within.. deep inside me.. The flame glows.. the hope arises.. of a new beginning..
Perhaps my fate is that of a traveller.. Perhaps i'm supposed to only touch the lives of people and never hope to be a part of them..
Why does it hurt so much then? When some one is going on the right path leaving me behind?
It will hurt, after all i'm a human.. And i pride myself in being a good one.
So the time has come to move on.. Which i will because i can.. the only question bothering me was "do i really want to move on?".
But i feel its in my best interests to do so.. If some one had to be in my life.. be mine then would do it no matter what.. I did everything i had to. I never held anything back to myself.. I gave everything i had, everything i could do.. It was their to accept or reject.. I cannot change their feelings.. All i can do is show mine and do all in my capacity to make them happy n feel loved.. and so i did..

So now i decide, quickly as it seems, that i will move on.. This is the escape i look for.. A new beginning.. maybe because i cannot bear the pain. i cut it off from me.. I hope someday there will be some one who will stay back.. maybe some one always knew or maybe some one new..

The tiny flame of hope keeps me going.. So i am cherishing the past and being myself.. happy to be me.. :)


CP: i'm proud of you darling.. Your prince will come along.. And so will friends who will stay.. no matter what, exactly the way you are.. :)

BP: or then we can just boast that we are the best!! :D :D man!! im starving.. can i have some of the frosted moon please?? :D :D

CP: get lost BP!

BP: ouch! :P i too am leaving you! *folded hands, nose up*

CP: aww.. c'mere HUG!

BP: :D i love you!!

CP: i love you too!!

I love both of you!! :D :D

Cheers to new life! :)

What could it be?
What could be an escape?
When your world crushes you,
Burns your dreams,
Leaves you all alone, throbbing and thrashing in the blood of your undying love for them?
What could be an escape?
When you have nothing left to yourself?
When you heart, soul, body and life was all theirs?
When you can have none of them back, but be alive..
Like an empty shell..
The shell which once held the world..
What could be an escape?
When your love strangles you and yet doesn't kill you?
When he is deaf to your the voice of your heart, the heart he so loved once..
When he sees nothing but your mistakes?
What could be an escape?
When you live like a dead person..
When you start living in the past?
What will be an escape?
But to die at his hands?
What will be an escape.. but to make him see and understand that the heart that lies in tatters, torn from end to end, bloody with hurt.. still beats for him..
Would it be an escape when he understands this?
What could be an escape when you become a stranger for someone who had no one but you, and when you had no one but him..
What could be an escape from the emmense hurt that courses through the dying heart?
What do you do when even your words fail you?
What do you do when love fails you?
What do you do when nothing holds meaning anymore, not even living..
An escape..
Give me an escape.. i can bear no more..

I had removed this one, for some reasons, which no longer exist.. so thought might as well put it up. it meant a lot when it was written by the person. this one is not by me.. but it deserves a place here.
It is in reply to this post of mine: Finding rain by someone who was my rain back then.. and my sun too.. :)


There she lay..
Looking over her shoulder..
Wondering whether he will come..
Till she could wonder no more..

I was..
By all means, lost to all..
Struggling to cope with strong winds..
That forced me to never lie at peace..

One day i saw her..
A hilltop and scorching eyes..
When i stopped drifting..
Realising perhaps, this was it..

Gathering courage i never thought I had..
I broke free of the winds for once..
Experiencing something i never had before..
I met her scorched, seductive eyes..

And i rained..and rained..
Like never before..
Creating patterns i knew not..
On rocks and glass..

Her touch was something..
I understood my true purpose..
As i came alive..
When she touched me as i fell on her..

She says she wonders...
I do too..
About how she freed me up..
From the winds that never let me be..

Feel like i have finally..
Met the earth i was meant to..
Feels so right..
As unstable atoms twist to unite..

Water and earth..
As if created for the other..
The earth made to come alive..
The rain completely soaked in..

My seductive, scorched earth.. :)

Are you blind to the sagas in my eyes?
Are you deaf to the beats of my heart now?
Are you insensitive to my touch?
Are you weak in front of duty now?
Love conquers all my dear.. Just give it a chance..
Here i am fighting for my love..
For the love we share..
Let no one take it away from you now,
Its yours to keep..
The shall be illusions,
there shall be un-wanted temptations..
But fight!
Fight for what is yours..
Fight for yourself..
Fight for me..
Fight for our love, and fight for us..
The way i am..
Come my dear.. lets show it to them..
Its ours to keep..
Let them not take it away from you..
Are you deaf to the sound of my voice now?
Have they closed you ears?
Please hear what the tunes of the sax tell you..
Are you blind to the love that has envelopped you?
Have the blindfolded you?
Please see the colors in the sky..
Are you insensitive to the fresh breath of air?
Have they burned you so bad?
Please feel the touch of the emotions..
Please understand what every bit of my love is trying to tell you..
I shall fight for it, till the last breath my body can breathe..
And i shall fight after that..
Will you let the bud grow?
In my womb, the flower of our love..
Fighting for love..
Fighting for love..
Will you clean my wounds?
Will be be my strength?
The world is against me..
Will you be with me?
Will you fight for me too?
Cause i'm fighting for love..

of the wounds that have opened again..
over and over again..
of the pain that sears through the beating muscle..
of the water that fights to escape the rapidly batting eye lids..
batting or battling..
of the hope that once light brightly..
the one that you planted, nurtured and eventually burned..
of all the laughter, frown lines, and depth of eyes..
of all the breeze, and dazed lights from afar..
of the rain.. meeting his beloved..
Atleast they shall stay together.. amen!
of the paths untrodden.. undisturbed..
of my dreams, crushed, your breath..
of the streets, of the morsels..
of the heavy heart..
of the loss..
of the happiness..
only to be had for a fraction of time..
of the un-said promises..
the unsaid words and much more..
i shall continue to write..
as you shall continue to be the master of my heart..
of the fears..
of the limitations..
of the fake smiles and fake strength..
of you face in the moonlight..
of drinking the bar dry..
of wanting, and making things happen..
of just being..
irrespective of the world..
irrespective of anything..
of wishing.. and hoping..
of hoping..
of loving.. unconditionally..
irrespective of anything..