The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

I was the child,
Wild and Free.
I was a lover,
Harsh and Cruel.
I became the mother,
Firm and Kind.
But i kept to being the child..
Over and over again..
and one day it cost me my love..
and one day it cost me myself..
I am the child,
Scared and needy.
I am the lover,
Careful and Tender.
I am the mother,
Loving and wary..
I'm back to being the mother..
Thoughtful and Serene.
Needless and Self Sufficient.
Helpful and Caring.
I'm back to being the mother,
Compassionate and sturdy.
Deep yet defenseless.
I'm the mother, the child, the lover..
I'm back to being the mother..

I know its not the first time im writing bout "confusion", i'd even say that the theme of the blog is it! But since recently i've been drifting away from it.. or so i thought.. BANG! its back again.. to rid me of all clarity and take me into depths of contemplation.. And not about myself but about someone very special. It must be the first time i'm sure about myself.. But after certain incidents, im not sure about the other person.. The one i knew was as certain as i was.. Where do these gaps creep up from? Could a certain facet of a person's behavior, which is already well known, affect the other person's feelings/behavior/outlook so badly?? Now when it has, how am i supposed to behave? When the person behaves perfectly fine one instance and behaves as if i do not exist the next? Is asking for an explanation wrong when you are at that level in a relationship? I made mistakes, i was shown had it hurt, i apologized and i'm trying to make it up to the person, but wouldn't you expect some sort of support from that person taking into account the feelings and conscious decisions.. How can you make someone understand that when somethings are said in a fit of anger, they do not mean anything, i agree it hurts like crazy.. But when i try to amend my actions, when i try to explain this to them, why cannot they understand that its the things said in the right state of mind that matter.. Why do they choose to ignore this fact, and not give me even a chance to correct myself? Why do they keep holding to the negative things and not see what they have now? What am i supposed to do then? How can i try and make it upto someone who doesn't seem to want it? Do i just bid my time doing nothing? How can i do that, when i cannot see people i love in so much pain, and that too cause of me.. I feel i should just carry on ignoring the obvious gaps, and behave as if everything is normal, and try and make it upto that person, but what should i do when the person does not wish to receive it?? What should i do?? So this time the confusion is not about what i feel.. but about what i should do to make someone realise this.. Wish i could just make them see.. wish they would be ready to see what i am showing.. its all there and yet they do not wish to see.. what should i do about this? and when they say nothing has changed at the base, then why do they behave like this? Such confusion.. no anger no hate.. just confusion and a slight sense of despair.. but the desire to make it all work.. cause its meant to be.. :)

Feels like I'm alive again..
Feels like i found something all over again.. :)
Feels like I"m come out of a deep dark hole of fear and despair, right before hitting the rock bottom..
Feels like a thousand flowers blooming right before my eyes..
Feels like Love.. Yes all over again.. :)
Feel like dancing all the way..
Feels like time has stopped again..
Feel like smiling.. Broadly, silly-ly, happily, lovingly, truly.. :) :)

BP: Yeah welcome back to the mad world baby!!
CP: *touch wood* god bless..
BP: :)
CP: :)

My sun is shining on the hill top..
Through the cottony clouds of white fluff..
Though the azure skies..
The sun makes his way.. to my skin and in my heart..
Lighting up the wreck and shunning away the gloom..
The warmth spreads through my pores and colors my being..
How could i've been so blind, to the obvious fire within too?
Each of his rays has a story to tell..
Of the present to be lived and the future that shall unfold..
Slowly but as i desire..
My sun shows me the way..
Time and again..
My sun is shinning once more..
Right through to the core..
Braving the cold winds,
And shadows of doom and destruction..
Fighting the looming mountains of sorrow, misery and depression..
He comes to me.. He cares.. He cuddles..
He makes his presence felt..
He wipes the tears away..
He smiles forever..
He stays within me..
He's my sun..
My sun is me.. :)

Sun shining through gaps in trees, meeting the freshly wet streets.
Some old smiles, wet eyes and old memories float by..
Tinkling between warm coffee cups and crumbling cookies..
Time ticks past as we try to drink that moment in..
Contemplating the present and picturing the furture..
Dreamy eyes lost in a once alive past, now lost in a sea of mistakes and impulse..
of goodbyes and hopes to meet again..
Perhaps in the same string of time,
or maybe another universe..
Where everything would be possible,
And every heart happy..

Life moves around in circles..
History repeats itself..
In my case, the circles complete themselves much too quickly..
History keeps repeating itself.. Or am i just stuck in an eternal loop?
Will i be able to break free of my own self?
Why do they come and go as they please?
Why do i get so used to them, as if they were a drug?
They make you believe they will stay
And then they leave, to never return
Would they be able to know of the pain?
Would they come back to see what remains of the heart and the soul which so loved them..
Which was ready to bear anything to just have them around..
I choke and wallow.. in dark depths of fear..
They would not know, in their distant galaxy of happy ignorance..
They get you used to them and then they go away..
Right when you'd forgotten how to be with yourself..
They become a part of you and then tear away..
Leave you in tattered ruins.. Bleeding away.. Moaning for their attention..
Why does life move in these pathetic circles..
And when will i find myself back..
When will i stop needing them to be with me?
When will i go back to myself?
The self that i've left alone just like these people left me..
Tired of people and their sad circles..
Tired of life..
And yet i trudge along.. with a bleak flame of hope in my tender transparent heart..
People and Circles..

Sometimes i wish i could split myself into different me's..
So that every part would have her own body mind and heart.. and a heart who would love only one person at a time.. who would love that one person forever. And it could love no one else.. Everyone would be happy then.. including me.. and all of them..
Sometimes i wish i could really live what i believe.. though sometimes i do exactly that..
Sometimes i wish i was as positive as the sign itself.. and never change, but then i like the change too..
Sometimes i wish i was normal, but the contridiction makes me myself! So would not i lose my identity if i change?
Sometimes i wish i could be myself and though i always am, i wish i could be a bit different though i really don't wish to be!
Sometimes i wish i could just stop thinking, though i think very rarely..
Sometimes i wish i would not have to make any decisions and only crib about the decisions made for me..
Sometimes i wish i could not wish at all!! And yet sometimes i wish..

In my French mode. I hope the grammar n spellings are correct, writing in French after ages!! miss it tons!! please ignore the lack of accents.. don't know how its done on a laptop!

Je me souviens..
Du temps passe,
Des gens aimes,
De toutes les choses..
Qui ne m'appartient plus..

Je me souviens..
Du ciel bleu..
De la terre verte..
De toutes les reves..
Qui ne respire plus..

Je me souviens..
Des yeux fonces,
Des levres qui sourire,
De tous les mots..
Qui ne me repondent plus..

Je me souviens..
Des coeurs courants,
Des distances longs,
Des desirs assoiffes..
Qui ne se levent plus..

Je me souviens..
Des ouiseaux chantants,
Des arcs-en ciels,
Des fleurs epanouissantes..
Qui ne soufflent plus..

Je me souviens..
De la mer profonde,
Du scent d'amour,
Du brise douce..
Qui ne murmure plus..

Je me souviens..
Des emotions deborants,
De l'espoir fort,
Des yeux tendres..
Qui ne me regardent plus..

Je me souviens..
De ceci et de cela..
Des chose volees..
Des reves étranglé
Des mots muets
Des desirs fanes
Des fleurs mortes
Des brises debile
Des yeux...
Des yeux perdues, Des yeux avegules, Des yeux qui existait seulement pour me regarder..
Les yeux, qui n'existent plus.. Qui ne regardent rien.. Qui restent fermes, sous la terre..

Je me souviens..
D'un jeu..
Qui n'est joue plus..
Le jeu de la vie et de la morte..
Mais qui gagne et qui perd?

Je me souviens..
Les yeux ne me regardent plus..

A blink of lashes there..
A rush of laughter here..

A silent smile accompanies,
an astonishing sparkle in the eyes..

A brush of fingers,
A swish of hair,
A sound of heats beating and pausing to glare..

A cool patch of air,
A warm scent of breath,

A swarm of strangers,
from all around..
A sudden slight shower of rain links,
all those on the ground..

An inch here,
A crunch there..

A feel of toes in the shoes..
A soft patch of linen on the cheek..

A blur in the eyes trickling down the jaw,
A face flashing reassurance..

A turn of the wheel,
A streak of lightening brightening up the lives..

A blush here,
A gloat there..

A world turning around..
A lazy sky watching..

Well.. Been quite a while since i wrote anything.. considering the way i was writing for a past few weeks, 15 days is quite a while.. :) Anyhow, after the trip to UK, my first ever out of the country et al, back to the routine, office, home, family, friends.. The trip was frustrating mainly cause of the stop overs and the urgency to get back to the mess that my motherland is.. I have to agree that somewhere, however nice it may seem in the beginning, i was growing tired of all the discipline and things.. So, I was very eager to feel the Indian weather and indiscipline... Though many things happned while i was there.. many things there as well as back home, with people there and here.. on all fronts, emotional professional everything. the trip was very fruitful though i realised that i can stay away from my motherland for only so much time, and i can never even think of relocating or "settling down" anywhere other than in India.. which i always knew but after this trip my resolve has hardened, and im happy for it.

There are so many things happening around, again, on all fronts of life.. Personally i see myself changing a lot. New aspects of myself are being revealed to me, and i also realise the many ways in which i've changed, some of them are not very nice. I changed some parts of me unknowingly due to some experiences, mostly bad, that i had. And when something happened now, i realised that i need not behave that way any more! or rather i should be able to change my behaviour after taking into consideration the people i am with. There is no point judging all dogs in the same way and putting a mouth guard on them all, only because one of them bit you a few ages ago.. Surely think twice before you domesticate them, but no use not letting them come close enough to even understand what fur they are made of!

So a bit of learning on the personal front and loads of learning happening on the professional front. I also realised that the initial few disapprovals of things at work, have been dismissed. I realised that its just a process of adjusting self to new things and environments, and as long as you are confident about yourself and know what you can do, with a bit of able guidance and support, you need not bother self about any of the negative happenings. Many times we think they happen just to bog us down but at times its good to think that they are just to give you the push needed to take off and reach heights you never even knew existed. Well, its somewhat like that right now, though i still am getting a bit bogged down time and again, but its ok.. as long as i can get up and get going.. ;)

Also realised (though its going on since a long time now) that i have to take care of my health, its high time now. That is another thing which is contributing to my slowing down!! :O and at this age its highly unacceptable, so corrective and certain preventive measures are being taken.. ;)

Do we notice a sudden change in the style of writing?!?! :O wonder why!! some more pondering required. MAN! i dont like this!! :( lol..

BP: chillax babe..
CP: BP you gotta take at least some thing seriously some time!
BP: yeah.. i know *serious face* like, i seriously need to get those custard cookies baked! RIGHT NOW! :P :P ;)


But the also amongst all the mess and rapid transitions and no time to really stop and think i guess i am living.. enjoying it, even the pain of certain losses, which keep haunting me.. The nostalgia which keeps coming back to take me away to a different world which all of a sudden has ceased to exist and which shall never return.. amongst all of this, when you find a buoy which helps you stay afloat, which lets you do as you wish, which makes you believe in yourself, which helps you find your strength.. you tend to really live, and be.. be yourself.. when you find the buoy within yourself, and maybe outside too.. you really live.. and live in the moment.. Lots more happening, and lots more to write. Hopefully next posts will be better. This one doesn't seem much like me, and i don't like it either.. Hope my words stay with me and accompany me in the same capacity as before!! Cheers!!