The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Strange.. Seductive.. Colorful.. Dark.. Bright.. Scary.. Alluring.. Bland.. Routine.. Old.. Wet.. Dry.. Instinctive.. Weird.. Red, Blue, Grey, Yellow.. Starry.. Crowded.. Empty.. Beautiful.. Musical.. Well-lit.. Dim.. Soft.. Tender.. Rough.. Harsh.. Complicated.. Simple.. Answers.. Questions.. Love.. Tears.. Pain.. Hatered.. Wisdom.. Truth.. Satisfaction.. Companionship.. Friendship.. Cunning.. Anger.. Laughter.. Smiles.. Romantic.. Lust.. Favourite.. Relationships.. Impersonal.. Bouncy.. Laid-back.. Hard.. Cute.. Eyes.. Sparkling.. Fresh.. Sprighty.. Humble.. Goosebumps.. Scared.. Jealousy.. Funny.. Kids.. Water.. Black.. Blank.. Dogs.. Hugs and Kisses.. Mom.. Socks.. Rains.. Book worm.. Pee.. Words.. Roads.. Buds.. Blades of Grass.. Belief.. Faith.. Promise.. Positive.. Siblings.. Age.. Breath.. Alcohol.. Smoke and Fog.. Denial.. Confidence.. Psyco.. Paint.. Freedom.. Chocolate and Coffeee.. Unexpected.. Surprsing.. Life.. You and me.. My life.. and me. :)

Alone i was when i came in..
Alone i shall be when i leave..
Everything is to be done alone..
and so i do..
There are only illusions of companionship..
It does not exist..
Its all in the mind, it is..
They are all selfish out there..
And you better not be selfless..
But alone thats better..
the middleway through..
Be alone and its all yours..
Be alone and you possess nothing..
They come along and they go away..
When they are through and sucked all out of you..
They make you believe..
They make you trust..
Lies and Betrayal all around..
The trees are mine, they shall stay..
The stars will always shine down..
The streets too will walk along with me, no matter where i go..
Rest all quit you, and they have had enough of you..
All they want is all that you have to give..
Their own life is a closed vault without a gate..
The turn you, the twist you and move you all around..
They come along all the time..
They will never leave you alone..
Be like me and you shall be happy..
Being alone is the way to be!

The sky looks on and the flowers watch the world go bye..
The trees sway to the routine tune of the winds..
Never noticed by anyone..
Never cared for..
I am a stranger and i feel like one..
As much as they are here..
I am a stranger and still i feel at home..
Just like they are..
The streets have so many names..
And yet they feel so impersonal..
Never been touched by humans..
Neither feet nor the eyes..
They beckon me and yet dont take me in..
Do they feel scared too?
As i not do..
To welcome someone new..
To make them feel at home.
Do they fear being alone all over again..
Do the recognise my intentions..
Do they know of my plans to leave them alone..
That i crave to go back and yet wish to be loved by them..
The way i love streets back home..
Why do not they open up to me??
Why are the such impersonal strangers?
Dark and winding..
Long and never ending..
Beautiful as ever..
and yet so unreachable.. not reaching out either..
Why so impersonal?
Why ever the strangers?
Streets.. Impersonal strangers..

He has been her lover..
And has been it since forever..
I came in one fine day a few years back..
And tried to fiddle in..
They both let me in as their own..
Both humbled by age..
And yet so passionate..
I could see it in their eyes..
The emotions that had them overwhelmed..
Though he took me in..
He had me all over him..
Let me love him, and loved me back too..
And yet i saw he wasnt mine to have..
I was happy, exhilarated, having the time of my life..
And yet.. any yet something was missing..
I tried hard and tried for long but could not figure out what the missing piece of the puzzle was..
I wonder how it looked.. how it felt.. how it smelled and how it tasted..
Then one day i stopped..
I never gave up but i stopped thinking about it all.
Let the piece stay missing for as long as it wanted..
It could come when it was ready..
I could wait..
And then one fine rainy night..
With patterns all over the glass..
I found my rain..
I found the piece while completed me..
The puzzle that i was..
I sat there.. thinking about it all..
Wondering if my rain knew that he has finally fallen and met his earth..
Wondering if he realised how the spread this soothing calm blanket on the scorching earth that was me..
Did he know what his presence made me forget myself..
Forget which role i am playing of earth..
Does he know that he takes me back to my original being..
He takes me back to who i was when the universe was formed..
That is makes me come alive!!
Maybe this is why they both took me in all those years ago..
Maybe to let me see what it is like.. so that i would know when i find me rain..
And now yes, I know now that I've found my rain..
I found him..
Or rather he found me!!
Oh yes he did..
After all these years of waiting..
Aeons of yearnin..
Craving to atleast know the color of my rain..
He came along.. oh yes he did..
Finding my rain.. did not need any finding..
It just happens when its meant to be.. :)
Found my rain.. :)

Thought of making these posts as a diary entry.. Wondering if it would lead to anything..

Another day ending.. Day at work was good.
It all just seems like a huge colorful stretch of time, but the most important color is missing..
As if some has taken all the life out of every moment and yet i live.. i feel alive.. something deep within me makes me come alive.. and enjoy moment i get.. each moment i live.. :)
Its beautiful in this part of the world..
Every breath feels fresh.. and yet a slight glaze..
Not much happening apart from the training. Food is good..
As usual tired after work.. Thinking of going for a walk nearby.. or just hang around in the room.. Some fun might come up on the weekends.. fingers crossed.. quite some friends out here.. Though since its a weekday they are busy too..
Not very different from life back home.. barring a few aspects.. the patterns.. the wind on terraces.. bulls on rampage, frowns and smiles..
But else almost all of it is same.. of course apart from family.. but personal life almost the same.. work back home food sleep thinking.. :)
but then.. people matter.. :)

So, another addition in the many unbelievable things actually happening of recent. The first day in a continent miles away from home is coming to an end. Feels surreal.. Though things around are different.. Call it globalisation or anything, most of the things are so simple.. doesnt feel as if its so far away, or a completely new place somehow..
Maybe it is the thoughts of things and people back home, the communication channels being so strong that makes this possible.. Though there was no extreme excitement, neither a sense of extreme home sickness.. There is this sense of being in some sort of a trance.. Like being suspended in time, till the time comes, to come back to people whose thoughts accompany me everywhere i go, making every place feel like home.. :)

Never imagined myself being so far away from home, almost on my own.. feels *grown-up*-ish.. hehe.. There is so much going on already.. so many things to be done.. to learn.. and yet.. the feeling of being suspended stays..

Away.. as i am.. feels strange weird.. nice and yet.. a painful longing grabs hold of the heart at times.. not home sickness but wonder what else it could be..
Away.. among strangers.. i feel at home..
The weather, the landscape, the sky, the clouds, the streets, the people.. and then.. the phone ringing..
Away.. I've found my home.. back home.. :)