The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

(Note: Hasn't come out the way it formed in my mind. But tried to refine it a bit. Strangely pas few posts haven't really come out the way the sounded in the mind. But nonetheless..)

Bursting like a star,
Upside down..
The earth beckons,
And the skies swallow..
Colors explode and yet the craving for darkness..
Its all twisted..
Nothing exists..
And yet the world lives..
Like you within me..
The mud squelches beneath my toes and beats out a new rhythm of love..
The wind gnashes his teeth against my sleepy tender skin..
Foggy windows, staring in ravenous delight..
Strings fall apart,
Nothing to hold it back..
The light then erupts in my eyes, and i can see no more..
Drenched in the colorless love..
Of which each strand colors me.. in and out..
For time to come..
I carry the pain with me..
The sore affliction..
I carry you with me, in the pain..
The fear grips, for the pain will go some time.
And you will go along with it..
Your fate and mine..
Its all twisted..

Its ok..
I shall ask you no questions..
I shall not be angry..
I shall not even show my displeasure..
I will not let you know how hurt and displeased i am..
With the way you behave..
Though i wonder if it will be possible for you not the read it in my eyes..
I wonder if i can keep my feelings to myself..
The world may be fooled by my masks, but you can see right through them all..
Im stark naked under your gaze..
You can gaze at me, you can fill up my sense..
And yet you do not come down on me...
WHY are you just there crowding the sky?
What is it that you await?
Your love waits and so do i...
Parched throat and eyes.. and the skin..
Why this torture?
Though i decide i will not ask you..
Like she never asks..
She understands you, since aeons..
Though i'm sure she must've had her fits of rage, at you making her wait for so long..
Seeing from a distance.. You are so close to coming, and yet you won't!
Why not!! You are so full of promise..
Why this deception then??
She knows but i do not!
You both shall be together long after im gone..
And yet you will not drench me with your love..
It is so not fair..
You cannot choke me with exhilarating hope,
and then fail to relieve me with your wetness..
But now no question shall be asked..
I set you free..
The way love is to be..
You are on your own now, though my eyes and heart follow you wherever you go..
But no questions asked, no expectations set on you..
Just a hope which you have given me, a while ago..
You are free to behave the wya you want.
Though that is what you always did..
I was a fool to have believe you dark eyes,
So dark that i drowned in them..
to a point of no return..
And now you blow away, as if you have no hand in it all!!
So no questions shall be asked.
The pain shall remain..
Till you don't come down and wash it all off me..
No questions asked..

You don't belong to me..
And neither do i to you.. Or so it is supposed to be..
And yet what is it that makes attached so deeply to the other?
Why do i feel the urge to cut off completely?
Why do i feel like finishing the uncertainty, when that is the very foundation of life of.. us?
Why do i find it so hard to digest that some joys of life.. Certain experiences will never be mine if i chose to continue on this path?
Why do i have a sudden craving to experience them then?
Will you give me a bit more of you? Maybe a bit more that i'm entitled to?
Can i please be a wee bit selfish and ask for more?
Can i ask for some belonging?
What is this pain that sears through the heart?
Which tears me apart in a million shiny tears?
What is the wave of sanity that then comes along.. Long after the water goes dry?
Would you ever know of it?
Would i ever belong?

The early morning ray of sun.. so bright.. and yet appears to be faint..
Each sip of that strong awesome tea, feels weak..
The water from the shower not wet enough..
Fresh smell of the early blooms of those beautiful flowers, seems to have missed out on some essential ingredients all of a sudden..
The wind on my face blows somewhat half-heartedly..
Sweet songs in my ear feel a tad off tune..
Food right off the flame tastes stale..
Sugar isn't sweet enough and the beer is flat..
The newly sprung grass has faded away already..
Circles feel incomplete, and squares angle-less..
The eyes dull and the skin wilts..
And the throat parches..

No liquid can quench the thirst..
No food can fill up the stomach..
No light can enliven the eyes..
No water can awaken the skin..

The days are incomplete so are the nights..
Life seems faint..
And the spirit fades..

Come along now..
Bring life..
Brighten up my world,
Fill up the crevices of my being the way you always do..
Melt into me..
Lets fade away together..

My Bull frog,

You drug me.
You drug me to limits unknown..
You take me down a winding road i didn't know existed,
or thought was off limits for me..
Quite the roller coaster ride it is..

You've colored the water of my being with colors i knew not existed either..
I wonder if they are meant for me..

You drug me with your eyes
You then take me higher with your scent..
Ecstasy fills up each pore of my body, each unstable atom of my soul..

you fill me up, you melt me in..
you shelter me in your shell..
And then there exists nothing else...

There is no world around us..
No empty streets..
No broken glasses..
No green grass..
No bloodshed..
No air, no sky, no water..
No evening stars shining down and moons glowing through the pearly clouds..

Everything ceases to be..
When its you and me...

You drug me, you take me, you own me.. and yet. you let me be..
I feel addicted..
I'm helpless..

Love and lust entangle, woven together, like never before..
You make me come alive, and you put me in a stupor..
There exists no life, no death..
Its just nothingness..
When its you with me..

Its all you.. within and around..
The air i inhale, the words i hear, the food i taste, the linen i feel, the dreams i see..
Its all you..
You drug it all.. with yourself..
You look at me, you call my name..
You make me laugh and you make me think..
You reach to something deep down, deep within me..
A place i knew not existed, and you drug that too..

You have me enslaved..
You have me addicted..
Each unstable atom of me.. a slave to your addiction..

-Prawn (pawn?) ;)

Its rises right through my chilled bones..
Up it grows in cold chilly vapours..
Cuts through my blood..
Seeps in my flesh..
Oozing itself all over the skin..
Where even the sun cannot evaporate it..
Nething can the rain wash it off..

All over me, within me, without me..
Curling in, Bursting out..

Raw, Sheer, Pure Insanity..
Washing over me,
Blossoming in my bare stomach..
Insanity.. Taking over my being..

The core of me..
The root, the bud, the fruit..
And the dirt..
All of me..
Insanity it is..
Insanity my being..
Raw sheer pure insanity..

Was talking to a friend recently about the various strange happenings in life of late. So much has happened in past few weeks, it has changed me completely. The has been happiness and pain, a lot of it. Talking about pain, we thought it would be good not to think of things which bring nothing but pain..
It lead me to wonder how people deal with pain. They say, pain is better when shared (a famous hindi saying "dukh baatne se kaam hota hai") I wondered if it applies every time. Mostly does. you do feel better when you talk things out.. But that applies to everything, not only pain..
For me, pain is like the grass that cows eat.. The just swallow it up as and when they find it.. Chew a bit sometimes if the pieces are to big to be gulped down. And then once they think the share of grass for that time is done, they walk, complete all other important daily tasks. They then find some place, some solace, a cool shade, they sit down, and slowly bring the grass out, and chew it silently, slowly.. Savoring each piece of it.. That is what pain is for me.. Taking it all in the time it comes.. That is "getting over fast" for me. People say i get over things very fast, i felt so too, until now.. I realised how i function when it comes to pain. I feel one can never get over anything. Shards remain lodged in the heart for as long as the heart can feel anything.. any emotion at all.. Till then these memories, the pain felt back then, when the thing happened, will always remain with you. It might be like a dull throb once in a while.. but its there always..

Pain should be felt all alone, how much ever they say its better to share pain. What is the point of pain then? He is not meant to make you feel good, so why share him? I'd rather drown myself in his embrace.. For as long as he wants to have me.. Let him abuse me, cut me to pieces.. And i know he will come around, he will be the one who will glue me together again.. though he has his selfish motives.. I'm happy being with him alone.. Experiencing him all for myself.. Cause that is how its meant to be! So i hoard pain till the time i feel i have the mind/heart space, that i'm ready to feel him completely.. And then i let myself go.. let him consume me.. And then i come alive..

Thats pain redefined.. One of the most lively emotions, most complete in every aspect, pain can never be incomplete in any sense, and faithful.. :) Pain..

You would..
Its only natural..
It breaks my heart and it tortures me...
But i know you would..
Its only natural and it might make you happy..
I hope it does..
Your happiness matters more than anything else..
Everyone's always did..
Your smile makes me smile..
n your frown makes me frown..
It only obvious..
That you should want to..
Its ok..
I understand.. Thats what its all about..
The pain means nothing..
If you are happy..
If you smile..
The world seems to be a better place..
Theres sunshine all around..
or should i say "rain"?
It rained tonight..
As i cried..
He accompanied me..
My lost love was back to be there for me..
For little time.. but he was there.. since you couldn't be..
And maybe you would be.. i wish he could be there for the whole year..
Each day that i feel this pain.. which would mean everyday..
Wish he could just be by my side.. caress me.. hold me close..
Like you cannot... i so wish..
i know.. you would.. do as i fear you are.. its only natural.. its only obvious..
As long as you sleep well.. as long as you are happy..
i know you would..
I know you are.. doing as i don't want to know..

i don't want you..
neither your memories..
don't look at me with those eyes..
you are nothing but sorrow stored deep in there..
sorrow for me, after you are gone..
you steal away everything..
you selfish creature..
i don't love you..
so don't look at me like that..
don't be there for me, when i'm all alone trying to fight my demons..
when no one from my race is there for me..
when no human heart can understand me..
you have no right to understand me..
to be there for me no matter what..
you have no right to leave me all alone wallowing in the sorrow of all the beautiful precious memories you left back..
that is all you left back..
Your memories.. Of the wonderful being you were..
of teaching all beings the right way of living..
of giving without expecting more than a pat on the head, or call of your name..
i don't want you..
please don't leave me alone..
no one can understand me better than you do..
please stay..
Its not done.. Its not fair!!
bit away all you want..
gobble up everything you like..
dirty the mat..
break the pots..
jump up the sofas n beds..
but just stay..
do whatever you like..
just stay..
why did you leave me alone??

I'm a vagabond..
The one that lives deep within you..

I'm a vagabond..
Drifting from one heart to the other..
Leaving my prints everywhere..
Carrying everyone with me..
A part, a drop, a morsel and a twinkle from the soul..

I know not where i go,
I know not what i want..

The roads open up for me..
Their dirt beckons me..

I follow them wherever the lead me..
To a tree, a dog, a rock, a river, a blade of grass..
A drop of dew, a bug under the foliage, the smoke from a scooter, the sullen eye of a girl peeping from behind the binds of her window.. caged between womanhood and childhood..

I'm the vagabond in all of these and more..
I'm a vagabond residing deep within myself..
Covered and demented by the words of the wise..
And yet alive and thriving..

The moment has come to let me free..
Let me take you to places unknown, unheard of..
Let me take around heaven earth and hell..
Let me be..
And let me go..

Let me free..
Be yourself, be me..
And then you will see..

I'm the vagabond.. within each of you..

They all want me..
They stare..
They allure..
They tempt me to all extents possible..
With all their weapons..

They all want me..
The cold, the warmth, the hate and the love..
The pain, the hurt, the distaste and the faith..
They all want me for themselves..

They confound me, they pull me into their depths..
They caress me, and make love to my body and my very soul..
They all want me..

The hope, the cruelty, the wet, the light and the dark too..
The wounds, the unfaithfulness, the loss, the gain and the rain..
They all want me..
They eyes, the ears, the tongue, the nose and the skin..
The very soul..
They all want me..

They all desire me, for themselves..
They want to keep me with them..
They attack me, they cajole me.. They whisper in my ears and sometimes they scream..
They take me with them to height where men fear to tread, to depths where angels dare not step..

They push me and shove me, beat my heart into a pulp..
They care for me like a mother..

They blind me and they show me the light..
They are rotten and the bloom afresh..

But they all want me..

Fly away.. And take me with you.. :)
Up up and away.. Right through the cloud and on top on them too!! :)

(a small attempt at making things rhyme)

Trying to fathom what happens in the depth of the soul
The heart plays a strong role..
Endless though this journey stays,
The restlessness still lays..
Patience plays hide and seek..
I never knew it existed, but its giving me a peek..
What happens to the words..
They revolved and fly all around in my brain..
And when the eyes see me, they all go down the drain..

I just can't say..
Its never been this way..

Confusion, hope and impatience always plotted against me..
But this time, and its about time, they cease to be the enemy..

Completely bowled over by this phase..
But proof says its not only my case..

Words fail me as they fade..
Action help the point being made..

Sometimes it feels like a crime..
But we are above all the grime..

The way ahead is lays still in a haze..
Wonder if we will get tired of the chase..

I just can't say..
Its never been this way..

Only recently I was thinking about how the rain has yet again disappeared after showing off lavishly for a few days.. I hoping very much for him to come down soon.. And in his full grandeur.. Today he did.. Not very fully or whole heartedly but he was there.. And today for the first time in my whole life i wished for him t go away for a while.. Just for a while.. Never ever before have i wished for this to happen.. Not even when there were exams to be written or work to be done.. I used to sit completely drenched but happy.. Cause it was he who had soaked me.. But today..
I love watching passersby stopping for shelter as he arrives unannounced.. But today..
The sudden gush of water hitting unwarned skin.. The goosebumps.. The Wet air and water dribbling all over the face, filling me with pleasure beyond imagination.. But today..
The cool air caressing the wet skin further heightening the joy.. The warm cuppa tea at the road side.. But today..

Today was was one of the many first times.. Today was the first time i wished for him to go away.. even for a while..

He poured on though.. Meekly, Like a kid who wants to show off a toy he managed to create by himself but gets shoved away by grown ups.. though unintentionally..

He was there for me.. Right after i'd wished he would come soon.. and then i pushed him away.. He poured on, all that he got for me, now wit a cracked heart.. But i could not undo it.. I could not un-wish it..

The varied stones lay there smiling silently bearing the satin, which tried to stay as calm as it could with all the wind blowing away at it.. Teasing it, tempting it to run away with him.. he gobbled up the flame and the candle lies wet too.. The glass is covered with tender frosty drops of water, instead of the destined wine.. The rain was all over them.. He possessed them, as if he was the real guest and they were his treat.. As if i was his.. There was a noticeable change in his tone when i expressed my displeasure, my disappointment.. It was just the time.. I didn't mean to be rude.. I couldn't be so with him.. How do i choose between two things i so dearly, deeply desire? Both couldn't be had at the same time..
If only there was a way.. A shelter.. From the cruel eyes of the watchful world..
Desires craved and burned in cool silence and still remain unrealized from the clutches of situations, not turned into ashes as yet.. and the rain will not let it happen either.. The strings still holding us back.. And yet something pushes us ahead..

And yet the stones lie there... still and waiting..

For the Time Unspent..
Stolen by the Untimely Rain..