The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

(This came to me (on the way to work) when i was wondering what people think when a certain person dresses differently than usual (me having dressed very differently than usual). We so easily tend to classifly or judge people based on the way they dress and the way they look.

There was a story i once read about a man who is disfigured but is a gem of a person. It had a reference to flowers which irrespective of the container (broken, stained pots etc) bloom to be the most beautiful things.. And so it is not outside that matters, its whats within that does.. We bother too much about the exterior and entirely ignore whats growing inside. (yes i understand that this is a very common observation, repeated by many people many times, just want to put it up here.)

Anyway back to the post:

Its only clothes..
The body is a clothing around the corpse of the soul..
The skin is the external layer.. a stretchable fabric..
The cloth is made up of many layers..
Too thick to be torn or poked into..
The soul is the real body, to be kept fit..
The body is just clothes, can be shed anytime..
Can be twisted and turned and fattened and leaned..
The soul is important..
Else its just all clothes..

CP: Beautiful body.. ;)

BP: SO! does it mean im naked?!? :O :O *holy crap* (achmed style ;)

A few new found and a few revived obsessions..

Terraces!! Red Orange Yellow Green Ladybugs.. Spinach..
Rain.. Coca.. Caterpillars..
Bruno, Jimmy, Lisa, Ozzie, Eon, Coco, Candee, Lily..
Coffee beans.. Unsaid.. Deep Felt..
Cologne.. Honeybee.. Milds..
White.. Black.. Lilies.. Mud.. Smiles.. Pain..
Paper.. Kohl.. Dark.. Soft Sun..
Cushions.. Windows..
Silence.. Confusion..
Trees.. Tea..
Base drum, High hat, Snare, Tom, Sticks, Pad..
Accelerator, Dashboard, Brake..
Lot of words..
And some more.. :)

That is what i feel..
Free.. Rather more free than usual..
Liberated.. From all connections of any kind..
Like someone else in my skin and my soul..
How can my view of things change so rapidly..
How can i go from feeling completely bogged down to superb excited and lighter..
From being so messed up and complicated to being so easy and simple?!?
Wonder when i will understand myself...
But its nice..
Feel different.. :)

Turns out this wasn't the 100th post anyway!! had a few draft listed too!! hehe

[UPDATE: Wrote this post when the thoughts were just pouring in and had not really sorted them out.. So it has come out very weird. Its the moment when i was trying to digest the change that i have to incorporate.. So it is not really the way it sounds now.. Hehe.. NOW this sounds like "The unstable atom" :)]

So many times in life we face situations when you feel things that you really want the other person(s) to know. You come across things if not feelings which you want to share with others but you feel you are unable to do it. Maybe not knowing how to do it, or maybe there is no one to share it with.

At other times, there is nothing that you have to share, but you are required to.

Some other times, there are many things that you have but you do not really understand if they should be shared, or what of those things should actually be known to others or that you should make them know. This usually happens with me when i'm working. Lets say in a professional set up. I've always worked very sincerely on whatever is given to me and also on additional things relevant to what i'm working on. I usually try to figure things out myself, and if it is highly out of my reach (which many times is) i approach the person who i've been working with. And then i develop a rapport with whoever i'm working with. Till now this is how it used to work for me. I usually continue to stick to my work, and talk to people as and when i have any queries or there are things i need to discuss and so on.. Related to the work i am currently doing or that is going to come up. So i do not tend to socialise much in office. There was never a need to do so, cause it never affected my work or people's perceptions about me or my work.

But taking cue from certain recent developments i guess things are not going to remain that way anymore. As you go from one position to another, or essentially grow, there are varied changes taking place. Though I'm still trying to understand the role that i am in currently, there are many expectations from me. Expectation which i never thought could actually exist! And now i face a task of actually fulfilling them! I always believed that as long as you work and get results thats what matters. But what i didn't know was to get that work you need to first be getting it, and the ways of getting it.. So now i face the task of doing something that i have never really appreciated doing. Though it is professional (or so its supposed to be), though it is something which is expected of me given the role i am in.. I guess this is going to be "the test" of my communication skills.
Wish me luck! :)

PS: never thought this would be a topic of my 100th post! Happy Hundred!! Cheers!! :D

CP: Oh congratulations to you! And good luck to you. You will excel no matter what! :)"tchin!! tchin!!"
BP: Yaaaabbbaaa daaabaaa doooooooo!!! YIIPPEE!! 100!! but you suck for this post!! you could do more like apple noodles on the french bridge?? :D ;) its ok next time
CP: BP is that really you??? "its ok next time"??? i just got a heart attack! :O
BP: *evil grin*

Its nice being here..
Chilly and windy.
The wind blows, all the way from the west,
The sea blows himself hoarse,
From the west.. where i can still see the remains of the evening sun..
The clouds float by..
As if on a pilgrimage
Serene White cuddly and yet ferocious..
They cover me and my part of the sky..
The wind sings a lullaby that only a few hearts can hear..
I'm covered with a soft pearly orange glow.. out of nowhere..
The moon too seems to be overwhelmingly engulfed by the passersby.. The guests, The clouds..
I like being here..
The hair rustling all over the face, shading the eyes, caressing the lips, playing with the naked neck..
As i stand here covered in goose flesh..
Waiting for some sign..
Faces swimming, dissolving.. bring memories which do not wish to be awakened that moment..
Nostalgia tries its best to flood out my sense of being..
But.. It fails..
I like the air filling up my senses and making me be a sight for the clouds and the distant hills..
Among all of these.. The sky and clouds, The air and winds, The trees and leaves, myself and soul..
Being on top..

I never really cursed bus drivers for the way they driver those almost monstrous vehicles, but today i have understood and feel everyone should appreciate how the amount of patience that they have!! I doubt it is a very simple task to handle a vehicle that huge, with the responsibility of approximately 50 human beings (many times exceeding the capacity and un-balancing the vehicle), negotiating through the heavy traffic at peak hours..
So today there was this junction where i was waiting for the vehicles coming from the right side to cross the junction so we could then cross it to the other side.. It was going smoothly until a guy on a ratty old bike in a fluorescent green shirt decided to intersect a bus (which was almost speeding up) and then he swears at the bus driver!!!! I felt like cursing the guy back and almost everyone on the road did. But the bus driver merely looked on, no reaction nothing, and went off! I know we tend to say that they are used to it. But we never think- what do we do when people do something of that sort with us in other situations??

Maybe something at work or at home? When someone shouts back at you for no fault of yours? Many times we tend to be aggressive even when the fault is ours, then how can this driver be so calm? They have so my pressure. It is not in the least easy to manage a vehicle as PMT buses or any vehicle as large as that.. Adding to it a lot of other important things which these people have to keep in mind and be alert about. Now, don't these people have a family? wouldn't they be having these things on the back of their mind? And then wouldn't they take out their frustration on such people who meddle like imbeciles? I think it is pretty fair thinking from a neutral perspective perhaps. Why can't these bike riders be a bit more sensible? And if they can't be then it is very natural to be crushed for their senselessness.. Wouldn't it have been easy for that bus driver to say that the guy just pop in out of nowhere and that the bus was in speed and hence couldn't be stopped immediately? Anyway the buses aren't in top condition. The brakes take forever to work. But still these bus drivers try to maintain their cool, and try to save these good for nothing fools. Had i been in their place i would surely have crushed the hell out of that guy.

We need to be just a bit more vigilant. I know its a bit rich coming from someone who has met with so many accidents in a very short span of time.. But this is what i've learnt! I'm not saying that the bus drivers are always correct.. But we need to understand that they are not always wrong, and we should try and understand where they are coming from instead of blaming them for every accident that happens..

So here is a few words of appreciation for them. Hats off!! :) Guess should write something that will actually reach them! :) Suggestions?

And in continuation with unexpected things happening.
I've finally undertaken the task of getting a passport done. And finally got the police verification underway. Needed to get the documents from the commissioner office, and unexpectedly the officer turned out to be a student of the father. the task which was expected to take a long and also some money spending (thanks to bureaucracy) was done in a jiffy free of cost! Then came the police station process. The officer was readily available, was told to get certain documents. Now most of the documents were not ready, Now this called for notary-hunting right when the sun was up high. And now i know they beauty of Sahakar Nagar where there is not a single notary!! much to my annoyance. I then started looking for "advocate" name plates, and found one thankfully. Mr.advocate (pretty aged) was in and available and agreed to attest the copies. And he did it free of cost!!!!! I was amazed that such people still exist! And then he says you can come anytime you want! No smiles no acknowledgment of my surprise or thanks nothing! Back to the police station, where i had to wait for sometime, but the officer inquired kindly (which was surprising again) as to why I was there and asked me to sit (i was standing for 10 mins with the still hurting leg), 20 mins later the same officer went in to the other lady officer and told her to hurry and then called me in!! Few minutes later I came out smiling gladly the way i did from then commissioner office and the advocate's place.
A day which was supposed to be full of stress and irritation and my temper flaring to limits unknown as it usually happens when i've to deal with bureaucracy.. Surprisingly turned out being almost smooth! Apart from the notary hunting process..

It could be cause of the family "contacts" (sounds much like "the godfather") but usually i cannot remain so clam and thing so not usually work out so easily..

Yes sometimes you encounter kindness at the most unexpected places.. And also most of the people who did extend this kindness did not know of the so called contacts.. But the still were equally helpful.. And so this proves that how much ever evil we encounter, the good in people still prevails.. I hope i will be able to retain that part of me in myself too!! :)

PS: Now just hoping the passport will be delivered soon! :)

Realizing the thin gap between my recent posts and the fact that there's too much going on, on the inside.. I thought I would give my words a rest for sometime.. But apparently they don't want to rest...

I find myself engulfed by this strange emptiness, though there is so much going on.. There is this whirlpool of emotions and thoughts waging a war on my capacity to be calm, which already is very weak.. An still I find myself empty suddenly..

Maybe its the happening of a few things, or maybe the not happening of a certain expected things..
Even after so many instances of expectations not being fulfilled, after being hurt so many times by loved ones.. Why does the heart still not lose hope? Why does it raise his head every time the rain stops? Even though the sun hasn't come through.. Many times it has its head held high even when the rain is exhausting himself all over.. in and out..

Hope in this case acts as an adversary.. It is not healthy to be so hopeful.. It then makes you fall hard your face and laughs at you.. It toys around with you.. But then why? Why leave me with all this emptiness? And then these haunting questions.. Bringing back ghosts from the past.. Raising them from their shallow graves.. Would they ever rest in peace? Or are they even dead?

But this emptiness and silence.. The effort of trying to create diversions for the self.. When all the heart wants to do is continue marinating in this turmoil.. But then it is dangerous.. Cause try as i might, very rarely, the face cannot mask what the heart feels.. The eyes say it all.. Yes it is dangerous..

I wish this emptiness would go away.. And some things would get back the way they were.. Even if it means letting go of a newfound joy.. Which i know won't really happen.. But if thats the cost i've to pay, to help things back to normal, i think i will surely consider, against all hopes and desires....

Engulfed.. by emptiness and a thousand questions.. Which shall not surface but shall perhaps still be answered.. The hope again..

The many drops of water attracted to earth every monsoon..
What is so special about them? I wonder..
What gives this rain the power to erase every and all kind of emotion that i ever felt, And make me blank, so that i can be written on all over again?

Is it the sound of the drops hitting various surfaces and making unearthly music?
Is it the effect they have on the surrounding? Transforming everything they touch, including myself..

He gives new life, to everyone, everything, every emotion..
He has the ability to romance like no one can ever have..

And just when you are about to come out of your rain-induced stupor..
When you feel you can take it no more..
Certain tunes hit your ear drums like chillies hit the boiling oil..

A lone musician.. Playing his instrument..
The rhythms, the tunes, the emotions overwhelm you..
Grief, Joy, Anger, Lust, Care, Excitement, Anxiety, Seduction..

How is it possible that an inanimate object can produce something as lively as an emotion?
How can they both, rain and music, touch a heart.. and manage to transform it?

And together the are a lethal pair..

There exists no alcohol, no emotion which can take you as high as they can..
No way anything else can touch you as much.. as deeply as they can..

The incessant love making reaches you..
It touches you..
Engulfs you..
And you can bear no more..

How are they both capable of bringing someone back to life..
To touch someone so deeply?

Could a lover ever understand this?
Would they be able to bear the knowledge of how these two things mean more to their loved one than them?

The soft splatter of rain on the roof.. The swishing of trees.. Croaking of frogs.. Meowing of peacocks.. The soft ticking of the clock.. Making me aware of the time coming close..

The rain makes music.. and the music makes love..
So fully, selflessly..
One could never have better lovers... take my word for it..

I like Banyan Trees,
The huge ones..

They sprout roots from all the wrong places..
Which then become one with bark..

Its new life intertwining with the existing one..
The bark growing larger with every root..

The Banyan shades everyone beneath its branches thrown wide..
And yet no one can reach its soul..

It grows magnificient..
It grows big..
With a huge heart..

Its roots stem new life again..
And then they take up charge..

I like Banyan trees..

You can never make out which one is the real core..
And still it is there, happily hidden away in behind all the masks..

The masks which are very much a part of it..
And yet they have their own life..

The fear stays what if they can survive without the core?
Wouldn't that bring only misfortune then?

But it shall never befall a Banyan Tree..
They know it and so do I..

And hence..
I like Banyan Trees.. :)

Long empty streets wet with remainders of evening rain.. The smell of mud romancing the cool breeze.. Leaves singing soft rustles tickled at being caressed by the heavenly breeze.. Unaware of the human presence, amongst all this show of love, tenderness and strange connections.. Amongst this confusion as to who belongs to whom.. Unaware and uncaring of all the pleasant turmoil these characters on the nature's stage are going through, The Moon unveils many untold secrets of souls unknown, unmet, far away.. and yet together.. :)

The tales wet the eye, and curve the wet lips into something that makes the hear glow.. strangely enough.. A heart that does not belong to the smile..

The street light flickers and so do they eyes.. Before meeting or rather not wanting to hold the gaze.. The moon knows all, so do the stars and the lights from afar..

The road leads nowhere particular.. To some old memories maybe.. To a place within the self.. Within the heart, that does not belong.. Which disowns itself.

This is the moment of peace.. Of knowing what eludes every soul.. Of knowing that there is so much to be known but still letting it be in its shell.. The pride at protecting this fragile shell, which will break even at the meeting of the eyes.. Letting the mystery remain for as long as it can bear the pearly insides of the soul.. of each soul..

By the way.. The moon still talks a lot.. Of secrets and mysteries, known to all and yet untold.. :) a look in his eye will bare it all..

By the way.. Its only if you know where and how to look... :)

Was just looking at the dashboard and saw "91 posts".. And it struck me that I've actually written 91 posts in past 2 years.. (this June contributing to 14 of those till today, this being the 92nd 1). You must be wondering why so many posts since past few days (if at all you haven't still got bored!). Well the posts say it all.. But still for some of you who still get confused thanks to my entangled words..

There's lots happening.. Work is routine though picking up speed now (will be one month old in the new company soon).. Full weekdays and equally fuller weekends.. Spending time with friends (missing dear ones who are out of town :(), watching plays, time with family, dining out and rest.. All in all I'm busy and should not really have much time to let my mind fog with anything else.. However, the personal front is somewhat going through a lot of disruptions.. Mostly good ones.. At least the things don't seem or feel to be bad or negative.. It is something very new and pretty unusual for me too (considering I'm most likely to be involved in the most unusual things, as compared to the group of people surrounding me ever since, hence getting the nick name "weird", "mad" etc). So yes this is something relatively new and unusual for me. Where I'm absolutely not sure of what it is. Of what I'm to expect. This is very strange since almost every time something strange happens i know what is going to happen (refer to: surprised surprise). And so this has thrown me off guard and the falling, surprisingly, is even sweeter!! Maybe the spontaneity of it, the lack of understanding of where this comes from or where it is bound to go or where we want it to go.. I feel the fact that we are at a complete loss is something which makes it so special..

There are times (me being impatient) when i feel like just getting to the point and getting a direction or some understanding into the happenings, just confronting myself or the other person about whatever it is, thought i know the answers or the utter lack of answers. There are times when I feel irritated at the lack of clarity, at not having the tiniest of insight on something like this.. Most shocking is that I can't even decipher my own feelings and emotions or what i want.. There are all these never-ending Why's, What's, How's crowding my head to a point that i cannot think anymore and become as blank as ever (not that the thoughts are very helpful), even questions cease to form (answers don't exist anyway).. But then i let go and let things bloom at their own pace.. And that is the time i start living in the moment (as a dear friend has been constantly telling me to), and realize how easier it is to just let go of yourself, and feel your inhibitions melt, give-in to something so pure, natural, spontaneous, unplanned, unexpected, full of life and unexplained surprising comfort.. Theres more to it, but still unraveling the mystery of what it is. And that process itself is so heartening and lovely (though disruptive and irritating at times), that i doubt we would actually want to go to the root of it (which might then render it routine).. :)

So, i warn you to be prepared for more such confusing posts. Perhaps you could help me with some insights, that you may have.. Or just travel with me, as I try to understand myself and this new founded.. bliss? :) cheers!!

1) Pre-occupation
2) Listlessness
3) Random smiles
4) Laughing alone in the middle of a certain tedious task at work
5) LOT of thinking over nothing in particular
6) Passing by certain places (unknowingly and at times purposely) reminding of
certain happenings
7) More smiles
8) Restlessness
9) Heightened impatience
10) Relief at specific happenings (seeing a green dot somewhere or a pending message)
11) Being at a loss of reasons
12) Strange butterflies in the stomach
13) Re-living the same by just thinking about it
14) Heaps of confusion
15) A lot of first times
16) Desire to get to the root of it and yet enjoying every moment of it..
17) Missing? and trying not to
18) Waking up at odd hours
19) And so on...

Any guess about the malady? If yes then the remedy too please!!

Changes.. A lot of them..

The strange veg starter on my plate which no one else seems to like..
The pulchritudinous clouds promising to drench me with memories..
The oddly aged couple by me side..
The opening and closing of my eyes..
and the ticking of the digital clock..
The realization that the weekend has come to an end..
And so has the possibility of calmly spending time with your memories..
What comes next might prove to be a torture of sorts..
I hope not though, hope it shall be as calm as the weekend has been though devoid of your sight..
The memories linger, never leave my side..
Not many in number and therefore, perhaps, so special..
The heart doing a back-flip at the sight of a new mail in the box..
The pseudo smell of paper..
The loss of words but the intense desire to out something in words..
And then leaving empty space.. Which seems to have become a routine..
The missing and still not missing part seems entirely new however..
So words flow out randomly, even entangled making no sense..
But the come out perhaps for a reason.. :)
No rhyme but yes a reason..

- The puppet? The Super Bitch? or shall it be the Unnamed?

CP: Hmm.. we need to stuff some sense into you..

BP: Let it flow.. flow flow flow away daharling!! :D **rhyme rhyme rhyme who needs a rhyme, not me in the least, i don't need a rhyme, a reason will do just fine, (as long as its sprinkled with some chocolate or a beer with a lemon) ;)**

A few things left unsaid here..
And a few thoughts left tangled there...

Sentences freeze midway..
Not wanting to let words soil the freshly sprouting emotions..

Time stops and silence engulfs the flurry of words wanting to be heard..
But the eyes overpower the ears and the tongue..

They can speak and they can listen..
They understand a language which only they can create..
They smile, they crave, they protect, they live a different life, a different world..
No one else shall know of the mystery..

The heavens conspire, plan a play with us as puppets..
the rain drops and the wind, the moonlight and the leaves play their part..

The whole world seems to melt away..
It brings back memories a time not known..
Perhaps in some other life..
Perhaps when there was no life, no time..

Something hits and doesn't even give time to see what it is..
It take everything with it,
Leaving the mouth hanging open at the beauty of it..

And then.. things which seemed so important a while ago
Now lay unnoticed at the bottom of the pile..

The feeling desire to entangle..
and parallelly they surrender to the all-knowing silence..

Silences never held so much meaning before..
The seem like a new language which never manifested itself..

Its a whole new world..
Where everything is irrelevant, unsaid, incomplete..
And yet it never seemed more relevant, understood and complete..

-The Unnamed :)

Some of this was jotted down almost a year back.. But it got lost in my old cell phone.. Found it now so thought of putting it on.. The questions however are a latest addition.. Might even be irrelevant..

On your way back home from work. tired and drained, with that tedious pending report on your mind, the heap of household chores awaiting your attention over the weekend.. Do you notice the couple passing by on a rusty old bike.. Carefree, engrossed in a lively conversation punctuated with laughter and surrounded by a surreal glow.. Unaware of the whole world around them.. The worry that haunt other people into sleepless nights.. Does it wipe off all the worries in the world and slap you in the face with the loneliness that anchors in your heart? Does it take you back to your apartment, weaved of dreams now covered with a thin layer of dust and moss of work and survival worries and the fact that there is no one around.. Or maybe someone who is there just for the heck of it.. Maybe someone who used to lighten up your world by just being there.. Is it a game that time and life play with each other.. Tossing us around as pawns? How many times in life do you see that one stranger and feel a shiver go down the spine? How many times do we make the effort to reach out? Do go back and think about it again? Why not? Why do we let ourselves get comfortable with pain, or with things which do not have the magic left in them.. Do we let the magic die? Do we even try to bring it back..Why are we afraid of change? When unknowingly everything around us is changing.. and everything within us too!! We fail to notice the small changes and then when the full fact hits us we think how and when the hell did this happen!! It happened when we were so engrossed in taking care that things don't change, wen we left comfortable in the same old cake which has lost its taste, and the champagne which has grown weak n warm..

Seems very incomplete but then there are many things that sound better left incomplete..

You can never have the last drop of beer in the tin how much ever you try..
You can never get to peak out of a glass to a certain degree how much ever you try..

You can never get your mom to believe that you were out with only your friends how much ever you try..

You can never make yourself believe that the first kiss really didn't matter..
You can never make others believe that you aren't drunk..

Can never make someone understand your feelings for them..
Can never understand other's feelings for you..

You can put it all in words..
But it is never understood..

It never goes the way you want..
Only things which you can only imagine happen..
Like the sudden rain when you are together..

And the water sliding down the glass..
Making dear patterns as it goes down to meet the earth..
The watercolored street light and the greenest leaves shading it,
So that you can still be in your strange world till as long as you please..

The known and still unexpected feelings flow by not wanting to end ever..
But time being in such a hurry flies by and you don't even notice..

Wishing for some more time..
Longer is never enough..

The rain is the witness..
The watercolored patterns shall always be remembered..

The waiting is too long..
Wish it had been sooner..

Sooner in life..
If only..
The world melts away at if only..

It re-surfaces, raises its ugly head..
Grey and dirty..
Full of tiny gooey tentacles which grow larger with every passing minute..

Threatening to engulf every happy moment,
It poisons every seed of joy that you sowed..

It dis-integrates every strand of hope that your heart witnessed..
And then it crushes each of the tiny pieces,
Till their screams echo in its ears forever..

The mouth so grotesque smelling of a hundred rotting smiles..
The ghosts of past hopes shine eerily through its eyes..

It creeps all over, inside and out..
Its lusty feet, hands and tongue sucking all the thoughts but one out..
It plants the seeds of despair and hatred..

I open my eyes, i strain my ears..
But all i see is lies, and all i hear is fake..

It cajoles me, and lures me into its depths..
And then.....
I can trust no more..

The usual tarry of the lightening to show off his arrival..
The restlessness of trees parched to taste his highness..

The clouds gather and roar..
Announcing this presence..

The earth can do nothing more..
but whirl around with anxious glee..

We close the windows and wait for the expected..
Soon I close my eyes and drift away in the unknown but familiar land of dreams..

Seems like an eternity, I wonder when we shall meet..
and Suddenly the eye opens,
to the light whispers of the dew drops falling from new leaves..

There he was right in front of me,
He was there all along when i dozed off..

Now i see him drenching everyone with his love,
But me..

Envy floods through each atom of my body,
The helplessness and despair of having giving in to sleep..
When he was out there in all his grandeur waiting for me..

The morning creeps in trying not to disturb the peace..
Lights up the droplets with soft caressing rays..

The birds wake with a start,
The trees sway to their tune
And some tea boils in the kettle..

A new day to start with,
And all i feel is to let myself get lost in his arms..
And stay that way forever..

We are not meant to be..
He has his lover since time was not known..

The souls however know things,
which the conscious will never understand..

It is that knowledge that draw us closer..
And close we shall be..

My craving for him..
And his desire to please..

Apart though we maybe..
One day we shall meet..

I know he will surprise me, as he has before..
Make me smile on the bluest of my days..

Hit me playfully with his tiny droplets, as i hurry for work..
Splash me with joy when i need to look my best..

And i still love him all the same..
He is in me and I'm his.. :)

Happy Monsoon!! :) :)

Since we are small children we are always being led into thinking things which people close to us think are right for us. Most of the things are good for us, we develop habits which do us good in the long run. Then we graduate to having friends keeping secrets from parents etc. Many times the friends you choose have a greater impact on you than your parents do. The things that they embed on us are long lasting n deep. Specially when its someone like me, who picks up the smallest of habits etc from the people close to her, it is very important to choose friends wisely and I did so. After many accusations from some people about the friends i have, they also accepted that my choice really was correct. I feel we tend to confuse good and right.

It differs from people to people. Their judgments of what is right and wrong, good and bad! The thoughts, theories, conclusions, relations, verdicts etc that i've seen around me since i was a child conditioned me to believe, think and act and even feel things in the same way as the people around me did. As i grew up, there were many happenings very different in nature from what i was used to seeing or conditioned to see and believe. The things which i liked were pretty much different from what i was told was good and correct for me. So i tried to refrain from experiencing or indulging in these things which so strongly attracted me to them because i always thought it would do me no good, since i never knew what they were!!
But then life had something else in store for me. I managed to taste the forbidden fruit and it felt as a part of my own, as if thats how it is meant to be.. But then, like a fish sucked out of water, the realization hit that this is not how my world functions! But then could it be that I'm not really a part of this world that i live in? The answer is still eludes me.

Till recently i made myself forget those enlivening experiences and thought that all the teaching of my world were good n right for me. Like any girl in a similar situation i went about the routines and rituals.. Turning even love into a ritual.. Until i came across another element who unexpectedly almost surprisingly has made me trace my steps back and think about the other part of me who always wanted to break free.. Who can never be caged into routines and cultures and conditionings of any kind..

It made me think about things i'd long left behind, or so i thought. It made me wonder if i can really have what i want.. Or i seem to want. It just struck me like a toe hits a solid piece of furniture in broad day light, popping whitish blue jellyfishes in front of your eyes, and you wonder how you couldn't see it.. The reason could be i've been pre-occupied enough with the happenings around me, most of them positive, to forget to live in the moment and see what was there in front of me or what i really want in life. It is not only a specific person but the fact that i cannot be bound! Though that is what i'd always wished for (being with the kind of people who think if that is not the way then nothing is). But now i re-discover, i am not like them, no one can really be like anyone else. I tried to suppress the weird, as people like to call it, part of me, to be able to "fit in". But i realize now that it doesn't matter.. Be it a sudden closeness with someone, sharing thoughts or the non-sharing of thoughts which you feel the other already knows, or just spending time watching the night sky, the clouds whispering secrets that no one would ever know, the cool breeze caressing laughter and silent thoughtful eyes.. distant shimmering lights and silhouettes of hills beckoning a walk amongst the woods, stars shining down smiling on two people who feel some things are better left unsaid.. The subtle frankness of leaving things to be understood did not seem surprising.. or did it?

It might not be good (though it does feel so), but it surely feels right.. :)

BP: I want that star 32 degrees from you, loaded with chocolate whipped cream and a dollop of ozone.. **dreamy eyes**

CP: I'd rather not have you as my ally when I shift to the white house..

So many times it happens that the most un-imaginable, un-thinkable (good and bad) things materialise..

Though there have been many things happening which i least expected, (or maybe i thought i didn't expect them) I've never been to surprised by them.. Somehow, somewhere within i always knew those things are going to happen (not the exact thing which happens), and somehow i'm always prepared.. Don't know how and what it is.. Its not that i know what is going to happen to be, so i don't analyse things and do not do any kind of guess work, much the opposite. I hardly think about the consequences.. However, I feel that the weirdest of things are pretty normal when they happen to me.. Things which have a direct impact on me are the ones which surprise me the least.. I would be very surprised if i hear something which is unexpected or "un-imaginable" for someone else, happening to them..

This must be the first time i'm thinking about such things happening to me and my reactions to them. Surprise is the last reaction that i give! Be it landing a job out of nowhere or meeting with an accident or taking someone, i've known for not a lot of time, at one of my most special places or anything which would have a lasting impact..

But I still do get surprised when some dear friend shows up unexpectedly, mom makes my favorite food, unexpected calls and hugs from dear ones or even people who are not so close! :) What is it that makes me take supposedly bigger things easily but give more importance to these tiny pleasures of life?

Small things matter.. For me i guess its only these small things which matter.. :)

Still trying to figure out what it is all about!

Its been ages since i talked to BP and CP and since they talked to me.. I guess all the new developments, the exhilaration and the extreme sorrow led them to retreat within themselves. They are the ones who keep me sane considering all the madness i go through.. They are my backbone, my undying support.. They are always there even if i'm not with myself.. They bring me up from my darkest blue.. But i lost them in the sparkling fog of my desires and of the changes around.. I wonder if they both communicate with each other atleast.. I hope they do.. Wish i can reach back to them.. I'm sure they are waiting for me to come back to them.. And come back i will.. I just hope nothing will snatch away my innocence on that front.. I miss you both BP CP..

BP: Come to me baby.. Yeah baby!!! :D Party time!! **running around mad** **screaming myself hoarse**

CP: Aww.. Bitch we miss you too!! Welcome home sweet love! never say goodbye! :) **hugs**

So much seems to be happening around. So many things to do. Its all new, all very exciting, everything that i wanted, that any girl of my age etc could ask for.. And still somewhere i feel i have nothing to do as such. Though my plate is full, the empty light transparent blankness overwhelms me and i'm left with absolutely nothing on my mind.. Few people noticed my being pre-occupied and tried to help. But it keeps returning somehow. Since a very long time. Is it cause i haven't had time to stop and think where my life was going or where i'm leading it to? Or is it the fact that everything around keeps changing the moment i feel i'm getting comfortable with it. Or, as some might like to put it, i change it myself (cause perhaps i am a masochist enough to deprive myself of pure happiness devoid of pain).

I still am not capable of dealing with loss. That could be another reason for this strange feeling. Though outwardly i appear to be moving on and getting over it all and being strong, it kills me inside, eats away at my soul, the pain is so excruciating that no physical agony stands a chance of being noticed (maybe that is why my body recovers so fast so that it can concentrate its resources on consoling and caring for my heart). i still remember all the tiny things which hurt me, or maybe which hurt others since i was a child. I have still not been able to forget it. None of it.. I blame myself for having hurt others,however small it was, though many times there was nothing i could do to help improve the situation, and many times other could do without hurting me but they still did..

People who have been with me since that tender age, people who have seen me in my worst and in my best (if at all it exists) fail to understand me.. How can they? Haven't they seen all i could possibly do? Don't they still know me? If not how can they claim to be so close to me? If yes Why do they behave the way they do? I might be at fault but is there always one side to anything? I believe not. It feels like i'm getting more entangled in the past as i try to cut it loose...Maybe cause these people mattered to me more than anything else on earth (and perhaps i did not to them).

Yes I still cannot come to terms with a few things, the fact that your closest friends will turn their back on you when all that you ask of them is some understanding! And then they will point fingers at you, gang up against you.. is this what friends do?

Yes i cannot handle loss still, the more closer it is the more difficult it gets to got away.. How can they do it so easily? Maybe they are not as foolish as me.. Now i ask myself- how can something so pure as friendship be riddled by such questions? How could these questions creep in my mind? I try to let go.. Cause though they say their friendship is selfless i can see lots of gaping holes..They are making me lose my faith in friendship, something i held high above all relationships. They treat it as per their own convenience.

I wonder when i'll be able to let go and move on.. and if i'll be able to..

Its like reaching the high point, something like when the flame of a candle burns the brightest before going out.. I hope it will be the same in my case.. Hope i'll be able to move on henceforth.. There is always something positive coming from all the crap in the world.. I hope this mess brings out something good too!! :)

Needless to say you must have noticed the new skin. Its been 2 years since I revealed the Unstable Atom guess she deserved a change. If not from my randomness and instability at least from the appearance..
And so i hunted for a suitable skin. Being low on patience I selected the first one that i thought best suitable for her. However, though the blog looks alright (the background), more colorful and bright than usual (in the right amount), it is pretty difficult to maneuver within the blog (from the blog page to the dashboard etc) since the navigation link doesn't appear on the blog page! So hopefully i'll find a way to get around.. If any of you have any idea how i can get the navigation board on the blog page please drop some tips! :) Till then I hope you have no difficulties reading! Cheers!! :)

I don't like the feeling of coming back to senses after surrendering to euphoria
Or after having been drugged..
Or having lost consciousness after the onslaught of immense pain..

The moment of losing all feelings is so heavenly but the fact keeps lingering that the ability of feeling it all will return..

So unfortunate are the ones who cannot lose consciousness after being hit hard in the heard or the heart..

So unfortunate are the ones who have to bear the pain the moment it strikes..
Or are the others more so?