The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

So last few weeks have been extremely busy. With what the exams, interviews, trying to make most of the one week holiday (which sadly didn't quite work out), joining the new office, shifting, fights with closest of friends ad trying to hang on to sanity..

Like they says everything is not perfect at any given moment of time (and as i say it would cease to exist if its fair to everyone every time).. If one thing works of great the other thing is bound to be messed up. I guess it also depends on how involved you are in those things.. As a certain friend has been telling me lately, I guess i've started believing that you should maintain a certain sort of distance from anything and everything. Though it seem to be as remotely possible as a dog not peeing on a stationary vehicle nearby, atleast in my case.. but its worth a thought, based on past experiences, when i've been busy enough to ignore a few things, which if had been given attention to would've turned nasty as they turned now..

This time too i tried to patch things up by myself. with a some sane advice from a friend who is much more matured and sane than i could ever be considering my emotional attachment to even the smallest of souvenirs. So this friend, who can be comfortably detached from things doing which is a herculean task for me, feels like this person i can go to when im pretty unsure bout things. Its like someone who has seen more life than me, otherwise most of the friends are same age, and there is always a difference in the way you look at life and situations when you are at different stages in life and seen lot of different things..

Guess I've come to the point in life where i have to let go, or at the least try and learn to let go of things and people i've never seen the light of day without.. I just wonder if i will be able to draw and maintain the line, when all my life i've been so involved in and deeply attached to everything i ever did or anyone i ever met. I never cared for any limits cause all i cared for was how i could make a good difference to the person in my life and lines don't help you help others, much the other way. I did give them the power to hurt me, and treat me the way they liked.. Did i de-grade myself while then? I don't think so, cause everything i did was with a pure heart. I never thought they would do things on purpose, I'm sure they did not, maybe i was not aware of where to draw the line. I gave too much of myself and never thought twice, and now maybe i've realized that you cannot be giving that way. I realized I'm no saint, which they need to realize or maybe i need to make sure they do. One can't keep waiting for people to realize that you need and want something and what you want, its a small life so go get what you want yourself, like you pick things up in a mall. There are tons of people there with heaps of needs, the attendants cannot cater to everyone, due to sheer physical limitation. Maybe they too want to help but just can't.

So the time has come to turn the page.. Not really as much but as is needed.. I still hold on to bits and parts.. Hope i can break free of the baggage..

(These are a few line which were on my mind when i woke up his morn. Made a lot of sense and sounded very good that time. Tried to tweak around a bit. But not as good as they were when fresh. But as the finer details of a dream slip from the clutches of the mind, hoodwinking it, so did these words.. All i was left with was: Before i move.. And so here is whatever i could make of it)

Let me hold your hand once more..
Let me drink in your smile.

Let us let laughter go mad again..
Let us help the pain melt away free from our heart's cage.

Can i shelter in your warmth again,
And help fight my demons?

Before i move away..
Before i move on..
To the astral plane..

I'm still the same..
The one you so cherished..
The on who knows your soul?

Did you not see me before?
Will you not see me..
Before i move?

The minutes are covered again with stale moss
and the flowers bloom with gloom..

Will you be there when i move?
Move on..?

Do you not feel the strings so strongly attached still?
You attempt to cut them down..

You are not the caterpillar who will lose her destiny of color,
If she fails to bite out of the cocoon..

You are the north star who is always there when the sun fails us..

Let me bask in you shine..
Let me know you are still the same too..
Within, if not without..

Let us be small again and fight over who cares more..
Let us grow up and share The most unspeakable of secrets, or so we think..

Will you be there?

Before I move on..
Before I move away..

Today had to take the day off from work to complete some formalities to get myself a passport (yeah! finally!!). The passport office was us unhelpful as ever, but then I managed to get through with the online registration and document sorting with the help of one of my saviors..
It was a nice afternoon.. Which involved dealing with all the work as well as spending time together.. For the later according to me is only being there, even if the other is doing something else. I realized today that the presence of someone special turns even routine menial tasks into treasured memories and brings you even closer than any candle light dinner ever can! :)
After the weekend fiasco involving entire shifting process (which though seemed liked a huge task happened pretty smoothly- thanks to the best friend and my mood swinging towards the sunny side), night out at friend's, the cutting open of skin accidents leading to stitches, arguments with friends and an entirely lousy Sunday, along with the frustration of commuting to office in a rickshaw, today was like the first ray of sun spilling in and filling your eyes and all other senses with light that you so badly need and want but can't bear after a long dead dark night..
There were only 2-3 mentions of the unwanted fights with the dearest of friends, Due to which i still stand a risk of losing them, only cause of my expectation of them to understand me which apparently overwhelmed their capacity to fulfill them.
Today also made me realize that I've found something I was searching for many years.. The realization is thanks to a small note I found which was written quite many years back.. over the years perhaps my definition of what i want had changed, but what i wanted had not changed one bit. Guess it always remains the same, cause that is what you need.. :)
Guess the horrible weekend was for me to realize certain things. Not the usual things, which i realize but can't improve upon, but things which i know i have to improve on, and i am. :) Feels like I surely am falling (the real kind).. ;)

PS: The new place is nice, feels like I'm back home.. Though i miss the bunglow like crazy.. This is alright..

Well the title says it all! All this is so new and yet somehow it feels familiar. It must be the environment and the people around. But it feels very familiar. It doesn't feel like Friday! Doesn't feel like the end of the week at all, cause i've never been so fresh by the end of the week while working! And mind you the first three days were heavy. Though I was unsure about how the business goes about and I still am about almost all of the technical aspects, it doesn't feel very demanding. I know it will be, but somehow I get the feeling that I will be enjoying it.

Its not like the other places I've worked in, though the people there too were friendly.. Somehow I still can't seem to get out of the "colleagues are colleagues" mode. My sister on the otherhand knows the how biography of her colleagues by the first week! while I get complaints about not talking at all! :( I can't seem to figure what to talk about! seems like a real block, specially in the kind of environment of this office, I might be perceived as being too uptight, guarded and rude(?) or maybe the typical "someone with "attitude"" ;) May be it will take some time. But then again in my previous company I was this way for all the time that i worked there which was a whole year, though I was by no means rude and am still in touch with all of the colleagues on a much personal level. I would be a part to the conversation but only listening most of the time, though I did make a few comments here and there and did ask questions. I guess my being there and listening in itself is a way of showing that I'm present and acknowledging them, infact much more! THe reaction I give are not only robotic but are actually "reactions" to what others are saying! :) I do talk a lot with friends, may be in a office senario the people around are much more experienced and I'm ignorant about most of the things (not only job related), so there's not much I can add to it. Well, lets see.. Maybe this new place will help me change for the better! seems interesting anyway! :) cheers!!

An so the grind begins tomorrow! As typical as it can get school, graduation, post graduation (still not sinking in) and immediately joining in a multinational. Though I somehow manages to go through all the stages pretty smoothly, at every juncture i was unaware and doubtfully about what i really want to do.. The academic part of it was a totally "just for the heck of it" or "parents and friends brainwashed me" sort of stuff..
But then i realized that the decision of doing MBA, marketing(though brainwashed) was a good one and it did really help me learn a lot.. Many things happened which made me change my perspective and look at the brighter side of "learning" which still continues, apart from just the text book learning, which i realized also helps if we do really try to apply it practically.. (certis parbus) ;)
Anyhow, how the student mode has ended, rather the academic career..
Even taking up the job was something I was very unsure about, since I still had not decided what i really want to do, which is the case always no matter what the thing. But thanks to the persuasive powers of a certain friend, I thought about it seriously and with his help got in too.. So the grind begins tomorrow..

The last 2 days was a short trip to Mumbai. The first time I took such a (shopping) trip with my bestie was 7 years back.. And then there were a few more.. It strange when you grow and some things always remain the same, so this is one of the things which will remain the same..

Though this time we hit this (made famous- by the bestie) restaurant at Lokhandwala called Red Box. The food was said to be very good and so the cocktails, cause she had loved them when she had visited it the previous time and she is one of the people whose taste you trust.
So we went there and sat outside, which was pretty icky though there was a wall mounted fan, which didnt really do much to take away the heat (at night too. i would've preferred sitting inside) and so it failed to give the impression of a nice lounge which i was expecting after listening to her descriptions.

First came the mocktails and cocktails. They seemed to have completely changed the definition of a Mojito, somehow all we could taste was lemon syrup!! Even after having told him to change it, it was the same. So somehow we managed to gulp down the lemon sharbat.
The lemon margarita was good, so was the window lady and a certain peace breeze (too sweet again, vodka with peace soda or something), and the pinacolada.
The mocktails virgin mary was also good, though a certain love dream (which the bestie swore by) was a mixture of corex syrup and kalakhatta sharbat, so we tried to gulp That down too..
The starters were bearable, chicken shish taouk (like it was spelled) and a lemon and thyme bbq chiken (this one was good).
Bbq chicken which charcutiere sauce was nice, properly sweet and served with rice veggies and mashed potatoes, though the amount of rice was meager comapred to the chicken n sauce served.
The baked vegetable be better in Darshan
The pasta (don't remember the name, which was also recommended) was not upto the mark, and pizza hut serves much better (for obvious reasons)..
Thus all in all the quality and taste of food was only mediocre compared to the rates and the hype. Surely many of Pune's lounges and simple restaurants serve better food that that on, baring the selection of dishes.
However, we did enjoy the night in the company of close friends. :) so all the rest can be conveniently ignored. :)

Anyway, on the shopping front it was all good, picking up good stuff at cheap rates, always a woman's delight ;)

And now that my 7 days vacation after the MBA finals is over, I gotta gear up and start the routine tomorrow.. Hope i'll be good at what i shall be doing!!

End of an era.. And the beginning of a new one.. Hope for the best!! Cheers!!

You don't know what you mean to me..
You don't know what you do to me..
You don't know your importance in my life..
And how you slipped in quietly and changed it around completely..
You don't know any of it..
And such is the misfortune that i cannot even tell you..
There is so much i want to tell you,
Everything i say sounds faint..
Words fail to convey true feelings..
I try to use them to no avail..
They just seem so empty
And then all I can say is I love you!
I hope you would know all that there is in these three words, all the emotions which make these words so heavy and hard to be uttered..
I know their importance now.. They have some meaning in life finally..
Thank you for making me realize all over again..
Thank you for giving love the importance and the respect it deserves..
Thank you for telling me what it is, i seemed to have forgotten in all this clutter and complications of new life..
Thank you for holding my hand through all those trying times when the easiest for you was to let go and leave me alone.. But you held on.. like very few can or will..
Thank you for letting me be me, and still loving me all the same..
Thank you for being there.. for wiping my tears when you were hurting so bad yourself.. for standing besides me when the whole world seemed like the enemy..
Thank you for being the anchor, like no one else could ever be..
I just wonder at times is this what love is like or it is something more than that, cause it surely is no less.. :)
Thank you for letting me bring you in my life.. :) (you know that one)
for everything you did and what you did not! I hope you understand what my words can't explain..
Thank you again.. :)