The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

For the GSD

You came along one fine day,
and then other days turned gray..

You disappeared and re-surfaced as you pleased.

Your presence bloomed flowers in my heart,
And your absence was scented by their dried souvenirs..

You crashed, you slashed and crushed every single drop of happiness and i thought my eyes eventually would go dry..

But here you retreated and my eyes were fresh with love and hurt both the same..

Why did you do that to me? Didn't you know how it felt?
And now you come back in all your glory when I've managed to let go or so i think..
You come back and you bring back all your charm, you expect me to follow you as blindly as i did before..

So that you can vanish again as you always did..
Right before my questioning eyes, who pleaded for an answer- when shall i see you again?
Would i ever see you again?

And then you did go away forever, or so i thought..
I willed myself to believe it, against all my instincts..
I believed you when you said you are going..
And I believed my love for you too..

But you came back..
At a time when I had gone ahead,
you stood there, knowing i would come,
But I didn't not. I will not.
The uncertainty went away with you and I walked out on instability of your existence in my life..

Thank you for letting me go.. Though I held on for long..
Thank you for making me realise that I gotta be strong..
Thank you for all the hurt, n making me realise my belief in love was all fake..
Thank you for all that you gave me, and all that you did not!

-Super Bitch

Have written about all sorts of rides.. So many roller coasters ridden.. But this one feels like IT! The ups in this one do exhilarate me but the downs give me confidence that this is it... The sheer presence no matter what.. The constant lingering thoughts.. And the same reflected.. That is the most important binding material.. My boredom and fear seem to ebb away as the days pass by.. every time seems like the first one around..
Feels like I'm falling once again.. But hang on a minute.. this doesn't feel like falling at all.. it feels like rising.. A feeling that never came before.. Such assurance and such surety, such strength and such intensity.. It was never before.. Is this what is it like truly rising together? When you just know that the road ahead is meant for you to let them hold your hand all through the rough and happy patches.. When every time you look at their face you can do nothing but smile.. When you remain angry for a whole hour and 15 mins and all they does is sit besides you and calmly talk about random stuff and sing songs for you.. knowing full well what you are going through.. The fact that some tries to over come their faults to be a better person, though preserving the essence of their being.. When you know they are gonna be there no matter what, no matter you want them or not, they know you need them and they are there! They might not be perfect.. Imperfect in many ways in fact.. but they are perfect for you.. When you this.. you know you are rising in love.. :) thank you baby.. for being there, for being who you are.. for everything!!

So many times in life we meet people who touch our lives in the most unfamiliar ways.. They touch your lives and hearts so deeply in such special gestures that its never the same again. At times the other person does not really feel the same, but it happens rarely when either of the two fails to realize what it is. Most of the times both have identical feelings, though it can't be named as something as heavy or light as love or friendship. However, it is equally special. Something which bonds these two people for life.

Such relations transcend all barriers be it age, sex, martial/relationship status, distance, religion, nationality.. none of it matters.. its just two people who fit one or more part of the jig saw of each others life..

Not all are lucky enough to be a part of the other's journey for as long as they would love to.. They cannot let the threads be intertwined forever.. They have to let go, break apart.. For varied and seemingly strange reasons.. most of them being societal barriers..

Many times to protect them from being bruised, such relations are better left, to go away, to be torn apart,
to be reminded by a bright ray of sun on some rainy afternoon, a sniff of coffee beans while passing an old coffee shack, the smile of a stranger with a crooked tooth, the swaying of trees, the breeze caressing the hem of the dress..

They are better left to destiny, better left to seek their own path elsewhere..
Some relations are better left unnamed..

I wonder what he feels coming down on his darling..
Ever so gently at times and so savagely at other..

Would you, rain, go reverse one day..
and take me away with you?

I want the butterflies that those little drop of mud have,
when they travel an inch or two with the rain..

I wish i could ride you for much further and longer
than just a minute portion of my skin n hair..

Would you go reverse one day..

Sweep your love away with you..
Riding on the white horse of clouds..
Wearing garlands of colorful rainbows..
Wind blowing at your hair and hers..

and i shall be her bridesmaid..

Riding on your little drops..
I shall see the world in mist underneath..

Knowing u won't let me fall..
I just wonder at it all..

Would you PLEASE go reverse one day..
and take me away with you? :)

i like the wet rims of a concrete drainage cover, the morning after..
i like the long gray streets darkened in places, covered with dry leaves and yellow flowers from the havoc of the night before..
i like the familiar face of a stranger, reminding me of my good old village and the childhood memories..
i like the way all shadows become one, when the clouds cover the sun..
i like the soft caressing of the breeze..
And the smell of wet mud drifting from a place far off..
i like the cleaned air, and hurried people unaware of all the beauty that surrounds them..
i like being in my own slow places when the showers hit the tarrying people caught unawares..
i like the soft touch of the drops melting on my skin, giving it a new life..
i always know when he is coming..
We both anxiously await his arrival..
His lover and me..
He gives her signs, that i read too and smile at how naive they are for their age..
well what can i say..
I like the rain.. :)

The feeling when..
your heart skips a beat while seeing that special someone..
your world comes crashing down after you uncover a lie..
you see an old known face and it smiles back,(the conversation later which goes on for hours together)..
you dig into a ton of ice cream even when you have a cold and your teeth are enamel-less..

The feeling when..
life gifts you something you always craved for, without any fancy wrapping..
you realise what you really want..
you walk your tired feet on soft cool grass on a warm summer evening..
the wet greetings of your pet when you come home after having traveled a lot..
a friends lets you know how much a random talk with them helped them..
you know you have someone you can fall back on even when the world world turns its back..

The feeling when..
you come home full of urgency and find the toilet vacant!
hunger takes its toll and you discover mom has cooked favorite food..
the first smell of wet soil reaches your nostrils!! (love this one)
you absolutely need to talk to a friend but have no balance and he/she calls..
you get handwritten letters from someone you meet everyday.. (miss those)

The feeling when..
you write a lot after feeling low..
everything goes right on the first day at school/college/work..
a teacher praises you in front of the whole class..
you have done something really wrong know you would get caught, and do get caught..

The feeling when you have nothing better to do and keep ranting on, and people actually read everything with avid interest, realising it is all crap but feeling it has some deep meaning to it.. ;) which it actually does!!

BP: hehe.. man i like over powering you at times!!
CP: LOL but i do manage to burst you bubble in the end :P
BP: yeah thats cause i let you!! :P :D
CP: you know better..
BP: yeah whatever!!

The soul wishes to be apart from the body,
Just to know if it would feel the same..

I wish i could tear the two apart,
And see which of the two stories i would like..

The body tells me one,
And the soul gives up..

All the extravagant castles and elaborate dreams come crashing down by the wisp of just one remark, one feeling, one realization..

I wish I could tear the two apart..

Uncomfortable formalities seem better and wanted than comfortable closeness taken for granted..

I wish I could know which one of them to follow..
I wish I could lead the other in believing one..

Both head strong and both free-willed..
I'm left torn and confused as always...

How can i be either with both are me?
How can they be different when both are me?

What to live and what to leave behind,
Both seem equally important,
Though one is stronger than the other..

Both cannot co-exists, and still i carry them with me..

What can i choose, Being either or being both?
Though there is no choice to make..