The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Thought i would write an exceptional post about the year that was.. About so many things that happened, in every facet of my life.. But there are no words that can do justice to what this year has been.. It has been everything.. and nothing.. and being nothing, it has been everything.. :)
Just a huge heap of nostalgia on my heart and mind.. probably will spend the last moments of the year re-living it... It has been heavily distinct in its features and all that it has given me, taken away from me, made me feel.. everything has been very different than usual, and different than the normal different too..
I lost myself completely, lost friendship, lost the love that i wanted and had.. gained some of it back again.. learned a lot of lessons, yes there was a lot of learning.. Understanding that i cannot avoid the painful process of growing up.. Though i thought i was not afraid of it, i surely am not comfortable with it.. Growing up and all that it entails, including patience and a lot of waiting.. I understood that i am growing up, and growing as a person, towards being a better one.. I understood that this pain is the thing that has kept me alive, and that helps me grow.. Cause the metal has to go through fire that the diamond has to bear pain to become what they are really meant to be.. to unleash the potential within..
This year was one of its kind.. A turning point in many facets of my life.. A major mile stone in discovering myself, or atleast i gained some mileage in the process of discovering.. There is so much to talk about, though i've written about everything all through the year.. This time, the circle has been opened.. And hopefully it will not close again for me.. Let history be it, and be at peace.. I've found a way to go, and i've decided to stick to the path, atleast a little longer than what i usually would, and here lays the difference of past and present, the future anyway remains elusive.. :)
But the strongest feeling is that of nostalgia.. and then the excitement of walking on the chosen path.. into the new year!

Happy New Year all!! :) Hope you have a fulfilling peaceful year ahead.. have a blast.. and keep rocking.. remember, what you want lays within you.. reach within yourself and reach out to them outside.. :) cheers!!

The stars shall shine down on you, lightening up your path, every dark night..
The sun will glow upon your rested eyes and give you strength for another day..
May god bless you with abundance and fulfillment.. and heaps of love, inside and out.. :)

Happy christmas... :) Hope you all have a great year and life ahead, full of peace, love and fulfulliment.. :)

They lay subdued..
Deep inside..
The warm flecks curled up trapped in the cold..
For a space of their own..
They lay there.. Bidding their time..

I got all the color,
I got light..
and i got someone to hold me tight..
I slunk to the bottom,
and rose to the top..
And then i was a flop..
I grew up and i grew strong..
Sometimes it feel right and sometimes just all wrong..
I fought, i won..
I got it all back...
Yet now before i hit the sack..
I look at the way,
and wonder, when was my big day?
which is my big day?

A way to go, the desire to, too...
why get bogged down then, when you are doing what you have to,
obstacles come, n so will they go..
Keeping the flame of will, hope and love alive..
For we have miles to go..
Before we meet.. And that is when the journey shall begin..

When you feel elated for no reason at all..
When there's excited laughter bursting to be let loose..
When you just can't stop smiling..
When there is a reason but it eludes you..
And still it doesn't matter..
When you are in a state of bliss..
And nothing matters,
When you are yourself! :)

What happens when two mirrors are kept facing each other? They reflect, infinity.. eternity..
If something else comes in front of them, they reflect that too..
But its not the same..
It keeps searching for the the mirror..
They have to be two of a kind..
And once they meet, there's no turning back..
Mirrored souls..
Your soul mirrors..
And so does mine.. :) Till eternity..

My forever as begun..

They come to my rescue as always!! ;)
just needed some persuading this time..
some grime of sadness bogging them down, some dust of having wrongly used them.. needed cleaning..
That is the reason they hesitated i think.. One of the very few times they hesitated.
But they still trust me.. :) So here they come..
They bring back my life, they bring back a connection i cannot breathe without.. They found me my life, and they brought him to me.. They still hold him to me.. They always will..
Its him that they come out for.. Always did, and always will..
No wonder they go into that shell of theirs, when i don't use them appropriately..
But i know now.. Well they too know i did not mean them, maybe that's why they did not like it, why use them if they are not meant to be! :O :)
But they've come to my rescue.. To be there with me, to remind me of all the wonders they can make happen, of how well they can express the deepest of feelings.. sometimes by sagas and sometimes just a single dot.. :)
So here they are to celebrate, the being.. Their and mine.. and of all the things we've expressed together.. All the things they've brought to me.. including you.. :)
They are here with me still.. We celebrate the story that they initiated.. The story which we tried to ruin with all we had, and yet it stays.... They shall make sure of it.. Since it is upto them, their reputation to keep it together. :) No matter what.. :) so here we celebrate this realization.. While i apologize with all i have, for using them wrongly, for saying things i never meant. Thanking them, for the strength they gave me to use them. I'm sorry for not using them correctly. A celebration of rescue, thanksgiving, apologizing and hoping.. A hope that never dies.. :) A hope brought forth by them.. For a story that still goes strong..
Thank you and I'm sorry..

A bull and a prawn..
Where will their story take them?

Can't wait for forever to begin..

Let me breathe unto you,
the magic that you've woven over me
Each shining grain, filling color in my ears
Each fleck of the spell,
that binds me to you
A spell that is not.
Deep and warm, making my skin glow
The dark studded with silver,
Like your slight peck on my cheek
Let me breathe you in,
into me...
Like dragonflies and ripples on water
Like the touch of skin, soft, subtle, silk
The rough edges of a bike ride
into the mountain roads
Like winey swollen lips, cradled in each other's arms
Let me breathe in,
the sigh that carries you, over all the oceans to me..
To be meshed with mine..
Oh! Sigh away..
My lullaby, and my drug..
Your sigh, the music of my life..
Your sigh, that carries you over all distances, to me.
That binds you to me..
Speaking of things unsaid,
Like the whispers of a lover, in the wake of a sleepy sun..
Our song, for life.. and beyond..

Its so weird! Realisations, Analogies, what have you!
When i was a kid, i always wanted mom to make ice cream at home. but she used to say its a tedious process. i don't remember exactly, but i've got this process of making ice cream at home in mind, which involved constantly letting the mixture cool, and putting it through the mixer n disturbing it again, n den letting it settle and then again disrupting it. So what i just realised is, that the same is happening to me. These negative thoughts, n the questioning, doubting side of me, keeps disrupting the mixture of emotions and decisions in my mind. And then they get settled again after a while, n i feel stronger. Its so weird.. It is said that by this process of making ice cream, it becomes richer n smoother, there are less of granules or things sticking out of it..
So i guess i'm in one such process, of constantly going in the mixer of the negativity, and then snapping out of it. Its helping me see how fragile my negative self is becoming! And strengthening me, and my decisions, with each snap out of the negative phase! :O :)

BP: you are my ice cream queen..babay! :D
CP: yeah i've been thru one of those. why do you think i can bear your darling BP, and still be so sane? :)

It withdraws..
One sunny afternoon..
Beneath the shade of an old forlorn tree..
It watches, eyes wide shut.. Everything that passes..
Within and without..
It withdraws..
From the intensity, from the depth..
One fresh morning..
Atop a sulking mountain..
It feels, tightly covered.. Everything that caresses..
Around and away..
It withdraws..
One gay night..
In the lights that brighten up faces, and streets, and hearts..
It listens, ear drums bursting.. Everything that plays..
Above and below..
It withdraws..
One moment in life..
Within itself.. Just being.. Everything and nothing..
It withdraws, It waits..
It tells a story and listens to it too..
But it is muted and it is deaf..
It feels not, and becomes nothing..
It withdraws.. waiting for it to end..

He: Tell me again why i still love you so much..
She: Its not love, only infatuation.

She: I love you too..


I paint my nails these days
That's the only color in life

(Catching the seahorse bug. Check him out: )

WHY! does it happen that just when things seem to be going alright.. Just taking baby steps towards being alright, do they have to fall over?!! Like completely fall apart?!!? Be it relations, work, studies!! anything!! It seems like a bug that i've caught on to of late!! :( Just too frustrating when things are about to reach a certain point before they just collapse!!!! i mean fine if something goes wrong on the way.. you can set it right.. but everything is going fine.. and exactly at the last moment it goes completely haywire! :O i mean WHY!! :O :O :( GGGRRRRrrrrr.. trying hard to not let these things get to me, and affect my moods making them even worse than before.. but just cannot help taking things out from office! :( :( it will get back alright.. can be properly mended.. but why should it go wrong in the first place!! so many efforts.. wish i could've been more careful.. hating every bit of this carelessness.. :( hope i can do better here on.. :( :(
Just about EVERYTHING is falling apart.. even apart from work.. Just after making certain decision.. and trying to stick to them.. Why is this sadness loneliness just waiting to grope at me? its obscene the way it comes charging and takes control of everything inside..
How much ever you try.. to just be.. to stick to decision why do they always go out of hand? if its a test i do not want to give it. im not prepared.
the bitter taste of things falling apart stays on.. :( :( why?

Water inching down slowly..
down the drench skin..
The beats echo..
Ear drums take the blows of the sticks
Being one with the skins..
It pours outside with some thunder too, lightens up the empty street, time and again..
The beats are me.. and so are the sticks, and the skins..
Some soft steam from an old coffee mug, fogging a tiny part of the window glass..
The eyes close then and muscles tense..
The beats play a crecendo..
And then when none can go on no more,
ireduces to a soft thud..
Lazy caressing of the skins and the metal..
And then the smile...
A sip of the coffee...
Acknowledging the wetness and the warmth, head to toe..
The beat still echoes..
Readying for the next..

That night was drunk..
on alcohol. on broken dreams. on pain. on one word.
-a dangerous cocktail.

That night was unbelieveably, drunk.
That night stole me from you.

Knotted. Right from the beginning
and yet attempted to be solved..
cut open if not undone, Burnt if not opened..
Yet they do not separate,
not matter what we try..
The knots remain,
etched in time..
For all the time to come..
knotted strands of the souls..
Each strand knotted with the other's..
A fabric of love,
immortal, though the mortals shelter it, do not shelter it.
It remains immortal..
Knotted knots..
Cut wide open, burnt, drowned, and yet they are still there..
Knotted in eternity, with the fabric of time..
Their souls shall stay.. Knotted

The world melts around
Everything is noticed, a blur or color and light
A smile surprises, when was it born?
Walking a thousand miles, away..
Hide and Seek..
In one's arms, and then the other's i sway..
You remain rooted, and yet you follow..
His face reflects,
Every perfume imitates,
Every touch is copied,
Ensnaring my senses..
Its you.
For we shall stay..
Forever, for the other.
In another.

Nip it in the bud. Don't let it grow.
Kill it, murder it. Don't let it live.
If this seed flowers, it will only taint the love that sowed it.
Don't let it grow. Kill it and murder what sowed it too.
It will die anyway.

Thought i'd write..
but what could i?
they said i should
i feel so too
but what should i?
So i just let them flow..
the words..
They come and they go.
as they please..
like a breeze on a wind..
they mean a lot at time..
and then they make no sense at all..
the words, the letters, the ramble and the jumble..
i'd thought i would write..
wonder what i should?
so i just let them pass by,
the thoughts and feelings, the crude and the fine..
the words..
come and go as they please..
not meaning a thing and the world at times! :)
I write..
i write..

I see a star, from my bedside window..
The first one ever, since i started looking out of this one..
It blinks unnaturally, and it bobs (!) knowingly..
It is a shiny star, or is it?
Is it a random star, or a planet? perhaps a plane, or some alien spaceship??
But why is it staring down at me?
It wants to lead me somewhere,
It wants me to follow..
I try to see, but i hold back, what if..
What if its not where i want to go?
I look away, i think..
Think hard..
I look back, and its still there, waiting..
It keeps blinking madly and ever slowly inching away..
Mysterious, Smiles.
And yet u cannot understand,
A smile is the universal language, isn't it literally universal?
The stars are always there,
Always watching,
And the always know..
But what is this one doing here tonight?
How did it manage to get my attention?
How did it float upto my window and get my attention?
And then my unsuspecting mind grabs it..
The skies that it soars,
The path that it lights up,
The secrets that it is tempted to reveal,
It is a sign.

I pen this down and turn to look back at it,
But its gone.
Disappeared behind the cloudy galaxy? or taken off on its own? Was it never there? or really a sign then?

Did not know i will return so soon!! :O but then who knows anything? :) So here it is..

I stood stranded,
Still, un-moving, staring ahead..
The empty roads beckoning me,
yet again.
The time to turn back,
is long gone..
The palaces of sand and dreams,
have vanished behind me, as a sand storm blew,
just when i turned to look ahead,
at the empty roads..
yet again.
A journey beckons me..
This time its a complete stranger..
Time shows me the way,
hope, my hopeless companion, still holds on tight..
Apprehension, fear tag at my heart..
the soul is empty..
and yet a journey is required of me..
There are signs now..
the ones that i never knew of, never noticed,
or maybe, refused to believe..
But a journey calls me..
A journey, just a journey..

Not a good-bye, but a see you later..
Not an "a dieu" but an "au revoir"
Because the journey of the atom continues..
Its time for some rest, and some reflection..
An attempt to look at all the other things that seem to have appeared out of thin air,
Though they were always there..
Numerous reasons for attempting to unravel the unstable atom, and numerous for a break too..

Sometimes ink stained fingers are just better...

CP: good, i needed a nice break anyway, was over worked!
BP: man!! i had just started warming up gurl!! n now a holiday! :O but yipppeee!! naything is gooooooood!! :D i anyway had that one mountain in mind.. n some beach too!! :D cheers amigo! :D seee yaaaaa!!

PS: My other blog is still functional.. :)
many thanks to all the followers for being there for me.. :) it means a lot! hang on and you might get to read more someday from the unstable atom as well.. the open book that life is.. good luck.. and god bless..

Decide a path
Stick to it no matter what
Follow it to the world's end
And when the path itself gives up?
Stare in disbelief
Or just start all over again

A pice of paper
Scribbled all over
Torn into a thousand pieces
And asked to live each one together

They lay on the wind now
The ashes do
Sometime they would brush you too..
Perhaps you would remember, maybe you won't..
They've gone off with the wind and the fire,
The memories, the souvernirs
They freed me from their clutches
On the wind they lay now
The people, the feelings and some parts of me turned to ashes..

Re-embarking on the journey left mid-way
Finding the way to that path left alone
Through the lanes and bi-lanes that distracted

Never the rainbows,
always the clouds..

Never the silver lining,
always the darkness..

Never the dancing trees,
always the floods..

Never the care,
always the hurt..

She gets picked up
By one and then another
She plays a game
she gambles
Her heart is the bait and so is her smile
She looks but fails to notice the sly glint of lust and deception
She gets picked up and then she gets dropped off
Sometimes in luxury
Sometimes in a shady bar downtown a grime filled alley
Someone calls her princess of his heart
yet another leaves her on the sidewalk
she gambles she plays a game
may the best man win, and so he does
he wins the game of running around
he never tires
and then she falls broken
back to the game
with her heart as the bait
she plays
she gambles

i notice myself..
from a lone balcony, as i walk on the road..
i look at the couples, whispering sweet nothings,
i stare at the naked lies..
how well they wear love..
everyone of them.. as if it was stitched on them..
wrapped in gifts n loving words,
in caresses laced with fake care..
oh the quicksand of lies, and the fall deeper inside..
and yet the don't notice..
they will suffocate, when the lie explodes, in the white light of truth..
the colors will show then, they will know..
the fake emotions will all die, and they will die in unison..

i look up to see the jet leave smokey white trails in the velvety indigo night sky..
i stumble on my feet in the rubble of the well trodden road..
i notice some stale crumbs of bread, untouched after having fallen there..
the jet returns, and flies overhead again..
something is stuck to my sole, or so i feel..
can't get ride of it so i let it be..
n carry on walking, as people watch me pass..
everyone with a place to go to..
with someone to call their own..
while i listen to rings, which then go dead..
cursing my destiny and wondering at it all..

The time has come..
Change intertwined as never before..
The time has come..
To leave myself behind.
The memories are from another life..
To be forgotten as a shadow in the fog, from a running train..
The scar will fade, however deep the wounds..
The time has come to starting coming alive..
all over again..
The time has come to let go, all that comes with life..
The eyes will glass over, there shall be teething pains..
But the scars will fade cause its time has come..

in the distance someone calls..
my limbs feel nothing..
whose voice is that, it bothers the slumber..
is this a dream?
why am i mangled?
it was a bright sunny day..
or was that a night?
what is it now?
there is no time..
a breeze.. cold..
are those lights or stars?
why is everything dark and wet?
i cannot breathe..!!
thrashing about..
its cold..
There is some pain.. distant..
the voice has stopped..
i want it back, i feel scared alone..
the pain grows.. slowly but heavily..
my heartbeats quicken..
i cannot control them..
was there rain involved?
and some medicines..
or maybe a dream..
i try to pinch but nothing moves,
my limb are frozen..
the voice calls again..
im disturbed, my concentration breaks..
it was a night.. i remember the bricks and the marks that they left.. brick marks.. i remember the pain..
the pain is increasing, crossing the threshold of my patience.. my ability to contain..
it was the heart which broke..
how is there blood everywhere?
its all red..
i see someone.. the voice.. the love.. the pain.. white hot.. i can see darkness.. i go blank.. like a tv when the power is cut off..

I sometimes feel like the silly girl.
Who runs away from home, from people who love her, adore her, care for her..
For someone she loves much more..
For someone who promised her the sun and the stars..
For someone who promised to leave the whole world behind if she would go with him..
For someone who said he loved her like he loved no one before..
For someone who made her come alive..
For someone who opened a whole new array of possibilities..
For someone who gave her new dreams.. beautiful dreams..
For someone who gave her a hope to live..
For someone who gave a new life.. For herself and within her.. A bud of love thriving inside..
And the time came, she left her old world behind.. Knowing her love will be there with open arms waiting for her.. To run away with her, go to far off lands.. to keep loving her the way he always did, and promised..
She knew her dreams were coming true, she knew she had found the love she waited for so long..
She waited.. and she waited.. only to get stood up at the altar.
The altar, she decorated with everything she could gather from within her..
The altar they both had dreamt of together..
She waited still..
Untill one day her close ones took her home as she stared into nothingness.. She stared at the door..
She waited still..
Untill the news came that he was already long gone on a journey he always intended to take without her..
And she waited..
With tears rolling down.. She did not know what this meant.. why the tears.. when there is so much love in both hearts..
She waited.. Still..
While is was away on a journey that he promised he would never go on without her..
The journey he promised had her name on it with his..
He lives a life that he promised was hers to share..
She waited.. Still..
She waits.. Hoping to wake up from this nightmare..
Hoping for him to jump from behind some door and awaken her vacant eyes by telling it was all a prank..
She waits..
At the altar, made of love, promises and hope.. And truth..
She waits.. For the nightmare to end..
The silly girl, still trusts in love..
The silly girl, still wishes its all a joke..
The silly girl, still hopes.. still hopes what they had was true..
The silly girl, still wonders if he thinks of her while he is with that woman..
Still wonders if that woman was on his mind when he was with her..
The silly girl, who will always be a girl.. A little girl waiting for her prince charming..
Falling for the fake charm, and white lies told right to her face..
The silly girl..

Last night i felt the heart of a friend. The warmth of that patient heart. I also sensed the heart of a lover trying to over-come it.. But a friend will always be a friend and that love is much stronger than that of a lover.. :)
Let you heart be as patient and strong and selfless as a friend's and you will be a better lover.. You will always be a friend.. A friend is always a friend even if he is a lover..

And someone always told me there are no free lunches.. Well now we know.. :) Generosity, kindness, love and many more are free of cost.. they are free of all conditions.. Only when they are not done out of obligation and duty are they true.. When done out of obligation and duty, they cease to be what they are, and turn into something as dead and lifeless as an obligation.. What is the point of living a life which is not spontaneous any more.. Which is burried beneath a load of duty and carries a burden of murder and death of love and emotions? Duty is duty.. not to be mixed with emotions like love.. I feel pity for people who do exactly this.. and kill something which could've flourished..

Past few months have been a roller coaster. Well i know most of my life has been nothing but that as most of you very well know.. But past few months were nothing like i ever imagined.. Feelings that i never thought existed.. The was pain, but a joy so much greater! And then suddenly it all ceases to exist! I wallow in grief.. like never before. There has never been anything as beautiful, or maybe i killed what i had.. When all this is happening, at this very moment.. I think i can never get over this.. I feel closer to what people call a nervous break down.. I did things some one only very desperate to hold on would.. But now from somewhere within.. deep inside me.. The flame glows.. the hope arises.. of a new beginning..
Perhaps my fate is that of a traveller.. Perhaps i'm supposed to only touch the lives of people and never hope to be a part of them..
Why does it hurt so much then? When some one is going on the right path leaving me behind?
It will hurt, after all i'm a human.. And i pride myself in being a good one.
So the time has come to move on.. Which i will because i can.. the only question bothering me was "do i really want to move on?".
But i feel its in my best interests to do so.. If some one had to be in my life.. be mine then would do it no matter what.. I did everything i had to. I never held anything back to myself.. I gave everything i had, everything i could do.. It was their to accept or reject.. I cannot change their feelings.. All i can do is show mine and do all in my capacity to make them happy n feel loved.. and so i did..

So now i decide, quickly as it seems, that i will move on.. This is the escape i look for.. A new beginning.. maybe because i cannot bear the pain. i cut it off from me.. I hope someday there will be some one who will stay back.. maybe some one always knew or maybe some one new..

The tiny flame of hope keeps me going.. So i am cherishing the past and being myself.. happy to be me.. :)

CP: i'm proud of you darling.. Your prince will come along.. And so will friends who will stay.. no matter what, exactly the way you are.. :)

BP: or then we can just boast that we are the best!! :D :D man!! im starving.. can i have some of the frosted moon please?? :D :D

CP: get lost BP!

BP: ouch! :P i too am leaving you! *folded hands, nose up*

CP: aww.. c'mere HUG!

BP: :D i love you!!

CP: i love you too!!

I love both of you!! :D :D

Cheers to new life! :)

What could it be?
What could be an escape?
When your world crushes you,
Burns your dreams,
Leaves you all alone, throbbing and thrashing in the blood of your undying love for them?
What could be an escape?
When you have nothing left to yourself?
When you heart, soul, body and life was all theirs?
When you can have none of them back, but be alive..
Like an empty shell..
The shell which once held the world..
What could be an escape?
When your love strangles you and yet doesn't kill you?
When he is deaf to your the voice of your heart, the heart he so loved once..
When he sees nothing but your mistakes?
What could be an escape?
When you live like a dead person..
When you start living in the past?
What will be an escape?
But to die at his hands?
What will be an escape.. but to make him see and understand that the heart that lies in tatters, torn from end to end, bloody with hurt.. still beats for him..
Would it be an escape when he understands this?
What could be an escape when you become a stranger for someone who had no one but you, and when you had no one but him..
What could be an escape from the emmense hurt that courses through the dying heart?
What do you do when even your words fail you?
What do you do when love fails you?
What do you do when nothing holds meaning anymore, not even living..
An escape..
Give me an escape.. i can bear no more..

I had removed this one, for some reasons, which no longer exist.. so thought might as well put it up. it meant a lot when it was written by the person. this one is not by me.. but it deserves a place here.
It is in reply to this post of mine: Finding rain by someone who was my rain back then.. and my sun too.. :)

There she lay..
Looking over her shoulder..
Wondering whether he will come..
Till she could wonder no more..

I was..
By all means, lost to all..
Struggling to cope with strong winds..
That forced me to never lie at peace..

One day i saw her..
A hilltop and scorching eyes..
When i stopped drifting..
Realising perhaps, this was it..

Gathering courage i never thought I had..
I broke free of the winds for once..
Experiencing something i never had before..
I met her scorched, seductive eyes..

And i rained..and rained..
Like never before..
Creating patterns i knew not..
On rocks and glass..

Her touch was something..
I understood my true purpose..
As i came alive..
When she touched me as i fell on her..

She says she wonders...
I do too..
About how she freed me up..
From the winds that never let me be..

Feel like i have finally..
Met the earth i was meant to..
Feels so right..
As unstable atoms twist to unite..

Water and earth..
As if created for the other..
The earth made to come alive..
The rain completely soaked in..

My seductive, scorched earth.. :)

Are you blind to the sagas in my eyes?
Are you deaf to the beats of my heart now?
Are you insensitive to my touch?
Are you weak in front of duty now?
Love conquers all my dear.. Just give it a chance..
Here i am fighting for my love..
For the love we share..
Let no one take it away from you now,
Its yours to keep..
The shall be illusions,
there shall be un-wanted temptations..
But fight!
Fight for what is yours..
Fight for yourself..
Fight for me..
Fight for our love, and fight for us..
The way i am..
Come my dear.. lets show it to them..
Its ours to keep..
Let them not take it away from you..
Are you deaf to the sound of my voice now?
Have they closed you ears?
Please hear what the tunes of the sax tell you..
Are you blind to the love that has envelopped you?
Have the blindfolded you?
Please see the colors in the sky..
Are you insensitive to the fresh breath of air?
Have they burned you so bad?
Please feel the touch of the emotions..
Please understand what every bit of my love is trying to tell you..
I shall fight for it, till the last breath my body can breathe..
And i shall fight after that..
Will you let the bud grow?
In my womb, the flower of our love..
Fighting for love..
Fighting for love..
Will you clean my wounds?
Will be be my strength?
The world is against me..
Will you be with me?
Will you fight for me too?
Cause i'm fighting for love..

of the wounds that have opened again..
over and over again..
of the pain that sears through the beating muscle..
of the water that fights to escape the rapidly batting eye lids..
batting or battling..
of the hope that once light brightly..
the one that you planted, nurtured and eventually burned..
of all the laughter, frown lines, and depth of eyes..
of all the breeze, and dazed lights from afar..
of the rain.. meeting his beloved..
Atleast they shall stay together.. amen!
of the paths untrodden.. undisturbed..
of my dreams, crushed, your breath..
of the streets, of the morsels..
of the heavy heart..
of the loss..
of the happiness..
only to be had for a fraction of time..
of the un-said promises..
the unsaid words and much more..
i shall continue to write..
as you shall continue to be the master of my heart..
of the fears..
of the limitations..
of the fake smiles and fake strength..
of you face in the moonlight..
of drinking the bar dry..
of wanting, and making things happen..
of just being..
irrespective of the world..
irrespective of anything..
of wishing.. and hoping..
of hoping..
of loving.. unconditionally..
irrespective of anything..

I was the child,
Wild and Free.
I was a lover,
Harsh and Cruel.
I became the mother,
Firm and Kind.
But i kept to being the child..
Over and over again..
and one day it cost me my love..
and one day it cost me myself..
I am the child,
Scared and needy.
I am the lover,
Careful and Tender.
I am the mother,
Loving and wary..
I'm back to being the mother..
Thoughtful and Serene.
Needless and Self Sufficient.
Helpful and Caring.
I'm back to being the mother,
Compassionate and sturdy.
Deep yet defenseless.
I'm the mother, the child, the lover..
I'm back to being the mother..

I know its not the first time im writing bout "confusion", i'd even say that the theme of the blog is it! But since recently i've been drifting away from it.. or so i thought.. BANG! its back again.. to rid me of all clarity and take me into depths of contemplation.. And not about myself but about someone very special. It must be the first time i'm sure about myself.. But after certain incidents, im not sure about the other person.. The one i knew was as certain as i was.. Where do these gaps creep up from? Could a certain facet of a person's behavior, which is already well known, affect the other person's feelings/behavior/outlook so badly?? Now when it has, how am i supposed to behave? When the person behaves perfectly fine one instance and behaves as if i do not exist the next? Is asking for an explanation wrong when you are at that level in a relationship? I made mistakes, i was shown had it hurt, i apologized and i'm trying to make it up to the person, but wouldn't you expect some sort of support from that person taking into account the feelings and conscious decisions.. How can you make someone understand that when somethings are said in a fit of anger, they do not mean anything, i agree it hurts like crazy.. But when i try to amend my actions, when i try to explain this to them, why cannot they understand that its the things said in the right state of mind that matter.. Why do they choose to ignore this fact, and not give me even a chance to correct myself? Why do they keep holding to the negative things and not see what they have now? What am i supposed to do then? How can i try and make it upto someone who doesn't seem to want it? Do i just bid my time doing nothing? How can i do that, when i cannot see people i love in so much pain, and that too cause of me.. I feel i should just carry on ignoring the obvious gaps, and behave as if everything is normal, and try and make it upto that person, but what should i do when the person does not wish to receive it?? What should i do?? So this time the confusion is not about what i feel.. but about what i should do to make someone realise this.. Wish i could just make them see.. wish they would be ready to see what i am showing.. its all there and yet they do not wish to see.. what should i do about this? and when they say nothing has changed at the base, then why do they behave like this? Such confusion.. no anger no hate.. just confusion and a slight sense of despair.. but the desire to make it all work.. cause its meant to be.. :)

Feels like I'm alive again..
Feels like i found something all over again.. :)
Feels like I"m come out of a deep dark hole of fear and despair, right before hitting the rock bottom..
Feels like a thousand flowers blooming right before my eyes..
Feels like Love.. Yes all over again.. :)
Feel like dancing all the way..
Feels like time has stopped again..
Feel like smiling.. Broadly, silly-ly, happily, lovingly, truly.. :) :)

BP: Yeah welcome back to the mad world baby!!
CP: *touch wood* god bless..
BP: :)
CP: :)

My sun is shining on the hill top..
Through the cottony clouds of white fluff..
Though the azure skies..
The sun makes his way.. to my skin and in my heart..
Lighting up the wreck and shunning away the gloom..
The warmth spreads through my pores and colors my being..
How could i've been so blind, to the obvious fire within too?
Each of his rays has a story to tell..
Of the present to be lived and the future that shall unfold..
Slowly but as i desire..
My sun shows me the way..
Time and again..
My sun is shinning once more..
Right through to the core..
Braving the cold winds,
And shadows of doom and destruction..
Fighting the looming mountains of sorrow, misery and depression..
He comes to me.. He cares.. He cuddles..
He makes his presence felt..
He wipes the tears away..
He smiles forever..
He stays within me..
He's my sun..
My sun is me.. :)

Sun shining through gaps in trees, meeting the freshly wet streets.
Some old smiles, wet eyes and old memories float by..
Tinkling between warm coffee cups and crumbling cookies..
Time ticks past as we try to drink that moment in..
Contemplating the present and picturing the furture..
Dreamy eyes lost in a once alive past, now lost in a sea of mistakes and impulse..
of goodbyes and hopes to meet again..
Perhaps in the same string of time,
or maybe another universe..
Where everything would be possible,
And every heart happy..

Life moves around in circles..
History repeats itself..
In my case, the circles complete themselves much too quickly..
History keeps repeating itself.. Or am i just stuck in an eternal loop?
Will i be able to break free of my own self?
Why do they come and go as they please?
Why do i get so used to them, as if they were a drug?
They make you believe they will stay
And then they leave, to never return
Would they be able to know of the pain?
Would they come back to see what remains of the heart and the soul which so loved them..
Which was ready to bear anything to just have them around..
I choke and wallow.. in dark depths of fear..
They would not know, in their distant galaxy of happy ignorance..
They get you used to them and then they go away..
Right when you'd forgotten how to be with yourself..
They become a part of you and then tear away..
Leave you in tattered ruins.. Bleeding away.. Moaning for their attention..
Why does life move in these pathetic circles..
And when will i find myself back..
When will i stop needing them to be with me?
When will i go back to myself?
The self that i've left alone just like these people left me..
Tired of people and their sad circles..
Tired of life..
And yet i trudge along.. with a bleak flame of hope in my tender transparent heart..
People and Circles..

Sometimes i wish i could split myself into different me's..
So that every part would have her own body mind and heart.. and a heart who would love only one person at a time.. who would love that one person forever. And it could love no one else.. Everyone would be happy then.. including me.. and all of them..
Sometimes i wish i could really live what i believe.. though sometimes i do exactly that..
Sometimes i wish i was as positive as the sign itself.. and never change, but then i like the change too..
Sometimes i wish i was normal, but the contridiction makes me myself! So would not i lose my identity if i change?
Sometimes i wish i could be myself and though i always am, i wish i could be a bit different though i really don't wish to be!
Sometimes i wish i could just stop thinking, though i think very rarely..
Sometimes i wish i would not have to make any decisions and only crib about the decisions made for me..
Sometimes i wish i could not wish at all!! And yet sometimes i wish..

In my French mode. I hope the grammar n spellings are correct, writing in French after ages!! miss it tons!! please ignore the lack of accents.. don't know how its done on a laptop!

Je me souviens..
Du temps passe,
Des gens aimes,
De toutes les choses..
Qui ne m'appartient plus..

Je me souviens..
Du ciel bleu..
De la terre verte..
De toutes les reves..
Qui ne respire plus..

Je me souviens..
Des yeux fonces,
Des levres qui sourire,
De tous les mots..
Qui ne me repondent plus..

Je me souviens..
Des coeurs courants,
Des distances longs,
Des desirs assoiffes..
Qui ne se levent plus..

Je me souviens..
Des ouiseaux chantants,
Des arcs-en ciels,
Des fleurs epanouissantes..
Qui ne soufflent plus..

Je me souviens..
De la mer profonde,
Du scent d'amour,
Du brise douce..
Qui ne murmure plus..

Je me souviens..
Des emotions deborants,
De l'espoir fort,
Des yeux tendres..
Qui ne me regardent plus..

Je me souviens..
De ceci et de cela..
Des chose volees..
Des reves étranglé
Des mots muets
Des desirs fanes
Des fleurs mortes
Des brises debile
Des yeux...
Des yeux perdues, Des yeux avegules, Des yeux qui existait seulement pour me regarder..
Les yeux, qui n'existent plus.. Qui ne regardent rien.. Qui restent fermes, sous la terre..

Je me souviens..
D'un jeu..
Qui n'est joue plus..
Le jeu de la vie et de la morte..
Mais qui gagne et qui perd?

Je me souviens..
Les yeux ne me regardent plus..

A blink of lashes there..
A rush of laughter here..

A silent smile accompanies,
an astonishing sparkle in the eyes..

A brush of fingers,
A swish of hair,
A sound of heats beating and pausing to glare..

A cool patch of air,
A warm scent of breath,

A swarm of strangers,
from all around..
A sudden slight shower of rain links,
all those on the ground..

An inch here,
A crunch there..

A feel of toes in the shoes..
A soft patch of linen on the cheek..

A blur in the eyes trickling down the jaw,
A face flashing reassurance..

A turn of the wheel,
A streak of lightening brightening up the lives..

A blush here,
A gloat there..

A world turning around..
A lazy sky watching..

Well.. Been quite a while since i wrote anything.. considering the way i was writing for a past few weeks, 15 days is quite a while.. :) Anyhow, after the trip to UK, my first ever out of the country et al, back to the routine, office, home, family, friends.. The trip was frustrating mainly cause of the stop overs and the urgency to get back to the mess that my motherland is.. I have to agree that somewhere, however nice it may seem in the beginning, i was growing tired of all the discipline and things.. So, I was very eager to feel the Indian weather and indiscipline... Though many things happned while i was there.. many things there as well as back home, with people there and here.. on all fronts, emotional professional everything. the trip was very fruitful though i realised that i can stay away from my motherland for only so much time, and i can never even think of relocating or "settling down" anywhere other than in India.. which i always knew but after this trip my resolve has hardened, and im happy for it.

There are so many things happening around, again, on all fronts of life.. Personally i see myself changing a lot. New aspects of myself are being revealed to me, and i also realise the many ways in which i've changed, some of them are not very nice. I changed some parts of me unknowingly due to some experiences, mostly bad, that i had. And when something happened now, i realised that i need not behave that way any more! or rather i should be able to change my behaviour after taking into consideration the people i am with. There is no point judging all dogs in the same way and putting a mouth guard on them all, only because one of them bit you a few ages ago.. Surely think twice before you domesticate them, but no use not letting them come close enough to even understand what fur they are made of!

So a bit of learning on the personal front and loads of learning happening on the professional front. I also realised that the initial few disapprovals of things at work, have been dismissed. I realised that its just a process of adjusting self to new things and environments, and as long as you are confident about yourself and know what you can do, with a bit of able guidance and support, you need not bother self about any of the negative happenings. Many times we think they happen just to bog us down but at times its good to think that they are just to give you the push needed to take off and reach heights you never even knew existed. Well, its somewhat like that right now, though i still am getting a bit bogged down time and again, but its ok.. as long as i can get up and get going.. ;)

Also realised (though its going on since a long time now) that i have to take care of my health, its high time now. That is another thing which is contributing to my slowing down!! :O and at this age its highly unacceptable, so corrective and certain preventive measures are being taken.. ;)

Do we notice a sudden change in the style of writing?!?! :O wonder why!! some more pondering required. MAN! i dont like this!! :( lol..

BP: chillax babe..
CP: BP you gotta take at least some thing seriously some time!
BP: yeah.. i know *serious face* like, i seriously need to get those custard cookies baked! RIGHT NOW! :P :P ;)

But the also amongst all the mess and rapid transitions and no time to really stop and think i guess i am living.. enjoying it, even the pain of certain losses, which keep haunting me.. The nostalgia which keeps coming back to take me away to a different world which all of a sudden has ceased to exist and which shall never return.. amongst all of this, when you find a buoy which helps you stay afloat, which lets you do as you wish, which makes you believe in yourself, which helps you find your strength.. you tend to really live, and be.. be yourself.. when you find the buoy within yourself, and maybe outside too.. you really live.. and live in the moment.. Lots more happening, and lots more to write. Hopefully next posts will be better. This one doesn't seem much like me, and i don't like it either.. Hope my words stay with me and accompany me in the same capacity as before!! Cheers!!

Strange.. Seductive.. Colorful.. Dark.. Bright.. Scary.. Alluring.. Bland.. Routine.. Old.. Wet.. Dry.. Instinctive.. Weird.. Red, Blue, Grey, Yellow.. Starry.. Crowded.. Empty.. Beautiful.. Musical.. Well-lit.. Dim.. Soft.. Tender.. Rough.. Harsh.. Complicated.. Simple.. Answers.. Questions.. Love.. Tears.. Pain.. Hatered.. Wisdom.. Truth.. Satisfaction.. Companionship.. Friendship.. Cunning.. Anger.. Laughter.. Smiles.. Romantic.. Lust.. Favourite.. Relationships.. Impersonal.. Bouncy.. Laid-back.. Hard.. Cute.. Eyes.. Sparkling.. Fresh.. Sprighty.. Humble.. Goosebumps.. Scared.. Jealousy.. Funny.. Kids.. Water.. Black.. Blank.. Dogs.. Hugs and Kisses.. Mom.. Socks.. Rains.. Book worm.. Pee.. Words.. Roads.. Buds.. Blades of Grass.. Belief.. Faith.. Promise.. Positive.. Siblings.. Age.. Breath.. Alcohol.. Smoke and Fog.. Denial.. Confidence.. Psyco.. Paint.. Freedom.. Chocolate and Coffeee.. Unexpected.. Surprsing.. Life.. You and me.. My life.. and me. :)

Alone i was when i came in..
Alone i shall be when i leave..
Everything is to be done alone..
and so i do..
There are only illusions of companionship..
It does not exist..
Its all in the mind, it is..
They are all selfish out there..
And you better not be selfless..
But alone thats better..
the middleway through..
Be alone and its all yours..
Be alone and you possess nothing..
They come along and they go away..
When they are through and sucked all out of you..
They make you believe..
They make you trust..
Lies and Betrayal all around..
The trees are mine, they shall stay..
The stars will always shine down..
The streets too will walk along with me, no matter where i go..
Rest all quit you, and they have had enough of you..
All they want is all that you have to give..
Their own life is a closed vault without a gate..
The turn you, the twist you and move you all around..
They come along all the time..
They will never leave you alone..
Be like me and you shall be happy..
Being alone is the way to be!

The sky looks on and the flowers watch the world go bye..
The trees sway to the routine tune of the winds..
Never noticed by anyone..
Never cared for..
I am a stranger and i feel like one..
As much as they are here..
I am a stranger and still i feel at home..
Just like they are..
The streets have so many names..
And yet they feel so impersonal..
Never been touched by humans..
Neither feet nor the eyes..
They beckon me and yet dont take me in..
Do they feel scared too?
As i not do..
To welcome someone new..
To make them feel at home.
Do they fear being alone all over again..
Do the recognise my intentions..
Do they know of my plans to leave them alone..
That i crave to go back and yet wish to be loved by them..
The way i love streets back home..
Why do not they open up to me??
Why are the such impersonal strangers?
Dark and winding..
Long and never ending..
Beautiful as ever..
and yet so unreachable.. not reaching out either..
Why so impersonal?
Why ever the strangers?
Streets.. Impersonal strangers..

He has been her lover..
And has been it since forever..
I came in one fine day a few years back..
And tried to fiddle in..
They both let me in as their own..
Both humbled by age..
And yet so passionate..
I could see it in their eyes..
The emotions that had them overwhelmed..
Though he took me in..
He had me all over him..
Let me love him, and loved me back too..
And yet i saw he wasnt mine to have..
I was happy, exhilarated, having the time of my life..
And yet.. any yet something was missing..
I tried hard and tried for long but could not figure out what the missing piece of the puzzle was..
I wonder how it looked.. how it felt.. how it smelled and how it tasted..
Then one day i stopped..
I never gave up but i stopped thinking about it all.
Let the piece stay missing for as long as it wanted..
It could come when it was ready..
I could wait..
And then one fine rainy night..
With patterns all over the glass..
I found my rain..
I found the piece while completed me..
The puzzle that i was..
I sat there.. thinking about it all..
Wondering if my rain knew that he has finally fallen and met his earth..
Wondering if he realised how the spread this soothing calm blanket on the scorching earth that was me..
Did he know what his presence made me forget myself..
Forget which role i am playing of earth..
Does he know that he takes me back to my original being..
He takes me back to who i was when the universe was formed..
That is makes me come alive!!
Maybe this is why they both took me in all those years ago..
Maybe to let me see what it is like.. so that i would know when i find me rain..
And now yes, I know now that I've found my rain..
I found him..
Or rather he found me!!
Oh yes he did..
After all these years of waiting..
Aeons of yearnin..
Craving to atleast know the color of my rain..
He came along.. oh yes he did..
Finding my rain.. did not need any finding..
It just happens when its meant to be.. :)
Found my rain.. :)

Thought of making these posts as a diary entry.. Wondering if it would lead to anything..

Another day ending.. Day at work was good.
It all just seems like a huge colorful stretch of time, but the most important color is missing..
As if some has taken all the life out of every moment and yet i live.. i feel alive.. something deep within me makes me come alive.. and enjoy moment i get.. each moment i live.. :)
Its beautiful in this part of the world..
Every breath feels fresh.. and yet a slight glaze..
Not much happening apart from the training. Food is good..
As usual tired after work.. Thinking of going for a walk nearby.. or just hang around in the room.. Some fun might come up on the weekends.. fingers crossed.. quite some friends out here.. Though since its a weekday they are busy too..
Not very different from life back home.. barring a few aspects.. the patterns.. the wind on terraces.. bulls on rampage, frowns and smiles..
But else almost all of it is same.. of course apart from family.. but personal life almost the same.. work back home food sleep thinking.. :)
but then.. people matter.. :)

So, another addition in the many unbelievable things actually happening of recent. The first day in a continent miles away from home is coming to an end. Feels surreal.. Though things around are different.. Call it globalisation or anything, most of the things are so simple.. doesnt feel as if its so far away, or a completely new place somehow..
Maybe it is the thoughts of things and people back home, the communication channels being so strong that makes this possible.. Though there was no extreme excitement, neither a sense of extreme home sickness.. There is this sense of being in some sort of a trance.. Like being suspended in time, till the time comes, to come back to people whose thoughts accompany me everywhere i go, making every place feel like home.. :)

Never imagined myself being so far away from home, almost on my own.. feels *grown-up*-ish.. hehe.. There is so much going on already.. so many things to be done.. to learn.. and yet.. the feeling of being suspended stays..

Away.. as i am.. feels strange weird.. nice and yet.. a painful longing grabs hold of the heart at times.. not home sickness but wonder what else it could be..
Away.. among strangers.. i feel at home..
The weather, the landscape, the sky, the clouds, the streets, the people.. and then.. the phone ringing..
Away.. I've found my home.. back home.. :)

(Note: Hasn't come out the way it formed in my mind. But tried to refine it a bit. Strangely pas few posts haven't really come out the way the sounded in the mind. But nonetheless..)

Bursting like a star,
Upside down..
The earth beckons,
And the skies swallow..
Colors explode and yet the craving for darkness..
Its all twisted..
Nothing exists..
And yet the world lives..
Like you within me..
The mud squelches beneath my toes and beats out a new rhythm of love..
The wind gnashes his teeth against my sleepy tender skin..
Foggy windows, staring in ravenous delight..
Strings fall apart,
Nothing to hold it back..
The light then erupts in my eyes, and i can see no more..
Drenched in the colorless love..
Of which each strand colors me.. in and out..
For time to come..
I carry the pain with me..
The sore affliction..
I carry you with me, in the pain..
The fear grips, for the pain will go some time.
And you will go along with it..
Your fate and mine..
Its all twisted..

Its ok..
I shall ask you no questions..
I shall not be angry..
I shall not even show my displeasure..
I will not let you know how hurt and displeased i am..
With the way you behave..
Though i wonder if it will be possible for you not the read it in my eyes..
I wonder if i can keep my feelings to myself..
The world may be fooled by my masks, but you can see right through them all..
Im stark naked under your gaze..
You can gaze at me, you can fill up my sense..
And yet you do not come down on me...
WHY are you just there crowding the sky?
What is it that you await?
Your love waits and so do i...
Parched throat and eyes.. and the skin..
Why this torture?
Though i decide i will not ask you..
Like she never asks..
She understands you, since aeons..
Though i'm sure she must've had her fits of rage, at you making her wait for so long..
Seeing from a distance.. You are so close to coming, and yet you won't!
Why not!! You are so full of promise..
Why this deception then??
She knows but i do not!
You both shall be together long after im gone..
And yet you will not drench me with your love..
It is so not fair..
You cannot choke me with exhilarating hope,
and then fail to relieve me with your wetness..
But now no question shall be asked..
I set you free..
The way love is to be..
You are on your own now, though my eyes and heart follow you wherever you go..
But no questions asked, no expectations set on you..
Just a hope which you have given me, a while ago..
You are free to behave the wya you want.
Though that is what you always did..
I was a fool to have believe you dark eyes,
So dark that i drowned in them..
to a point of no return..
And now you blow away, as if you have no hand in it all!!
So no questions shall be asked.
The pain shall remain..
Till you don't come down and wash it all off me..
No questions asked..

You don't belong to me..
And neither do i to you.. Or so it is supposed to be..
And yet what is it that makes attached so deeply to the other?
Why do i feel the urge to cut off completely?
Why do i feel like finishing the uncertainty, when that is the very foundation of life of.. us?
Why do i find it so hard to digest that some joys of life.. Certain experiences will never be mine if i chose to continue on this path?
Why do i have a sudden craving to experience them then?
Will you give me a bit more of you? Maybe a bit more that i'm entitled to?
Can i please be a wee bit selfish and ask for more?
Can i ask for some belonging?
What is this pain that sears through the heart?
Which tears me apart in a million shiny tears?
What is the wave of sanity that then comes along.. Long after the water goes dry?
Would you ever know of it?
Would i ever belong?

The early morning ray of sun.. so bright.. and yet appears to be faint..
Each sip of that strong awesome tea, feels weak..
The water from the shower not wet enough..
Fresh smell of the early blooms of those beautiful flowers, seems to have missed out on some essential ingredients all of a sudden..
The wind on my face blows somewhat half-heartedly..
Sweet songs in my ear feel a tad off tune..
Food right off the flame tastes stale..
Sugar isn't sweet enough and the beer is flat..
The newly sprung grass has faded away already..
Circles feel incomplete, and squares angle-less..
The eyes dull and the skin wilts..
And the throat parches..

No liquid can quench the thirst..
No food can fill up the stomach..
No light can enliven the eyes..
No water can awaken the skin..

The days are incomplete so are the nights..
Life seems faint..
And the spirit fades..

Come along now..
Bring life..
Brighten up my world,
Fill up the crevices of my being the way you always do..
Melt into me..
Lets fade away together..

My Bull frog,

You drug me.
You drug me to limits unknown..
You take me down a winding road i didn't know existed,
or thought was off limits for me..
Quite the roller coaster ride it is..

You've colored the water of my being with colors i knew not existed either..
I wonder if they are meant for me..

You drug me with your eyes
You then take me higher with your scent..
Ecstasy fills up each pore of my body, each unstable atom of my soul..

you fill me up, you melt me in..
you shelter me in your shell..
And then there exists nothing else...

There is no world around us..
No empty streets..
No broken glasses..
No green grass..
No bloodshed..
No air, no sky, no water..
No evening stars shining down and moons glowing through the pearly clouds..

Everything ceases to be..
When its you and me...

You drug me, you take me, you own me.. and yet. you let me be..
I feel addicted..
I'm helpless..

Love and lust entangle, woven together, like never before..
You make me come alive, and you put me in a stupor..
There exists no life, no death..
Its just nothingness..
When its you with me..

Its all you.. within and around..
The air i inhale, the words i hear, the food i taste, the linen i feel, the dreams i see..
Its all you..
You drug it all.. with yourself..
You look at me, you call my name..
You make me laugh and you make me think..
You reach to something deep down, deep within me..
A place i knew not existed, and you drug that too..

You have me enslaved..
You have me addicted..
Each unstable atom of me.. a slave to your addiction..

-Prawn (pawn?) ;)

Its rises right through my chilled bones..
Up it grows in cold chilly vapours..
Cuts through my blood..
Seeps in my flesh..
Oozing itself all over the skin..
Where even the sun cannot evaporate it..
Nething can the rain wash it off..

All over me, within me, without me..
Curling in, Bursting out..

Raw, Sheer, Pure Insanity..
Washing over me,
Blossoming in my bare stomach..
Insanity.. Taking over my being..

The core of me..
The root, the bud, the fruit..
And the dirt..
All of me..
Insanity it is..
Insanity my being..
Raw sheer pure insanity..

Was talking to a friend recently about the various strange happenings in life of late. So much has happened in past few weeks, it has changed me completely. The has been happiness and pain, a lot of it. Talking about pain, we thought it would be good not to think of things which bring nothing but pain..
It lead me to wonder how people deal with pain. They say, pain is better when shared (a famous hindi saying "dukh baatne se kaam hota hai") I wondered if it applies every time. Mostly does. you do feel better when you talk things out.. But that applies to everything, not only pain..
For me, pain is like the grass that cows eat.. The just swallow it up as and when they find it.. Chew a bit sometimes if the pieces are to big to be gulped down. And then once they think the share of grass for that time is done, they walk, complete all other important daily tasks. They then find some place, some solace, a cool shade, they sit down, and slowly bring the grass out, and chew it silently, slowly.. Savoring each piece of it.. That is what pain is for me.. Taking it all in the time it comes.. That is "getting over fast" for me. People say i get over things very fast, i felt so too, until now.. I realised how i function when it comes to pain. I feel one can never get over anything. Shards remain lodged in the heart for as long as the heart can feel anything.. any emotion at all.. Till then these memories, the pain felt back then, when the thing happened, will always remain with you. It might be like a dull throb once in a while.. but its there always..

Pain should be felt all alone, how much ever they say its better to share pain. What is the point of pain then? He is not meant to make you feel good, so why share him? I'd rather drown myself in his embrace.. For as long as he wants to have me.. Let him abuse me, cut me to pieces.. And i know he will come around, he will be the one who will glue me together again.. though he has his selfish motives.. I'm happy being with him alone.. Experiencing him all for myself.. Cause that is how its meant to be! So i hoard pain till the time i feel i have the mind/heart space, that i'm ready to feel him completely.. And then i let myself go.. let him consume me.. And then i come alive..

Thats pain redefined.. One of the most lively emotions, most complete in every aspect, pain can never be incomplete in any sense, and faithful.. :) Pain..

You would..
Its only natural..
It breaks my heart and it tortures me...
But i know you would..
Its only natural and it might make you happy..
I hope it does..
Your happiness matters more than anything else..
Everyone's always did..
Your smile makes me smile..
n your frown makes me frown..
It only obvious..
That you should want to..
Its ok..
I understand.. Thats what its all about..
The pain means nothing..
If you are happy..
If you smile..
The world seems to be a better place..
Theres sunshine all around..
or should i say "rain"?
It rained tonight..
As i cried..
He accompanied me..
My lost love was back to be there for me..
For little time.. but he was there.. since you couldn't be..
And maybe you would be.. i wish he could be there for the whole year..
Each day that i feel this pain.. which would mean everyday..
Wish he could just be by my side.. caress me.. hold me close..
Like you cannot... i so wish..
i know.. you would.. do as i fear you are.. its only natural.. its only obvious..
As long as you sleep well.. as long as you are happy..
i know you would..
I know you are.. doing as i don't want to know..

i don't want you..
neither your memories..
don't look at me with those eyes..
you are nothing but sorrow stored deep in there..
sorrow for me, after you are gone..
you steal away everything..
you selfish creature..
i don't love you..
so don't look at me like that..
don't be there for me, when i'm all alone trying to fight my demons..
when no one from my race is there for me..
when no human heart can understand me..
you have no right to understand me..
to be there for me no matter what..
you have no right to leave me all alone wallowing in the sorrow of all the beautiful precious memories you left back..
that is all you left back..
Your memories.. Of the wonderful being you were..
of teaching all beings the right way of living..
of giving without expecting more than a pat on the head, or call of your name..
i don't want you..
please don't leave me alone..
no one can understand me better than you do..
please stay..
Its not done.. Its not fair!!
bit away all you want..
gobble up everything you like..
dirty the mat..
break the pots..
jump up the sofas n beds..
but just stay..
do whatever you like..
just stay..
why did you leave me alone??

I'm a vagabond..
The one that lives deep within you..

I'm a vagabond..
Drifting from one heart to the other..
Leaving my prints everywhere..
Carrying everyone with me..
A part, a drop, a morsel and a twinkle from the soul..

I know not where i go,
I know not what i want..

The roads open up for me..
Their dirt beckons me..

I follow them wherever the lead me..
To a tree, a dog, a rock, a river, a blade of grass..
A drop of dew, a bug under the foliage, the smoke from a scooter, the sullen eye of a girl peeping from behind the binds of her window.. caged between womanhood and childhood..

I'm the vagabond in all of these and more..
I'm a vagabond residing deep within myself..
Covered and demented by the words of the wise..
And yet alive and thriving..

The moment has come to let me free..
Let me take you to places unknown, unheard of..
Let me take around heaven earth and hell..
Let me be..
And let me go..

Let me free..
Be yourself, be me..
And then you will see..

I'm the vagabond.. within each of you..

They all want me..
They stare..
They allure..
They tempt me to all extents possible..
With all their weapons..

They all want me..
The cold, the warmth, the hate and the love..
The pain, the hurt, the distaste and the faith..
They all want me for themselves..

They confound me, they pull me into their depths..
They caress me, and make love to my body and my very soul..
They all want me..

The hope, the cruelty, the wet, the light and the dark too..
The wounds, the unfaithfulness, the loss, the gain and the rain..
They all want me..
They eyes, the ears, the tongue, the nose and the skin..
The very soul..
They all want me..

They all desire me, for themselves..
They want to keep me with them..
They attack me, they cajole me.. They whisper in my ears and sometimes they scream..
They take me with them to height where men fear to tread, to depths where angels dare not step..

They push me and shove me, beat my heart into a pulp..
They care for me like a mother..

They blind me and they show me the light..
They are rotten and the bloom afresh..

But they all want me..

Fly away.. And take me with you.. :)
Up up and away.. Right through the cloud and on top on them too!! :)

(a small attempt at making things rhyme)

Trying to fathom what happens in the depth of the soul
The heart plays a strong role..
Endless though this journey stays,
The restlessness still lays..
Patience plays hide and seek..
I never knew it existed, but its giving me a peek..
What happens to the words..
They revolved and fly all around in my brain..
And when the eyes see me, they all go down the drain..

I just can't say..
Its never been this way..

Confusion, hope and impatience always plotted against me..
But this time, and its about time, they cease to be the enemy..

Completely bowled over by this phase..
But proof says its not only my case..

Words fail me as they fade..
Action help the point being made..

Sometimes it feels like a crime..
But we are above all the grime..

The way ahead is lays still in a haze..
Wonder if we will get tired of the chase..

I just can't say..
Its never been this way..

Only recently I was thinking about how the rain has yet again disappeared after showing off lavishly for a few days.. I hoping very much for him to come down soon.. And in his full grandeur.. Today he did.. Not very fully or whole heartedly but he was there.. And today for the first time in my whole life i wished for him t go away for a while.. Just for a while.. Never ever before have i wished for this to happen.. Not even when there were exams to be written or work to be done.. I used to sit completely drenched but happy.. Cause it was he who had soaked me.. But today..
I love watching passersby stopping for shelter as he arrives unannounced.. But today..
The sudden gush of water hitting unwarned skin.. The goosebumps.. The Wet air and water dribbling all over the face, filling me with pleasure beyond imagination.. But today..
The cool air caressing the wet skin further heightening the joy.. The warm cuppa tea at the road side.. But today..

Today was was one of the many first times.. Today was the first time i wished for him to go away.. even for a while..

He poured on though.. Meekly, Like a kid who wants to show off a toy he managed to create by himself but gets shoved away by grown ups.. though unintentionally..

He was there for me.. Right after i'd wished he would come soon.. and then i pushed him away.. He poured on, all that he got for me, now wit a cracked heart.. But i could not undo it.. I could not un-wish it..

The varied stones lay there smiling silently bearing the satin, which tried to stay as calm as it could with all the wind blowing away at it.. Teasing it, tempting it to run away with him.. he gobbled up the flame and the candle lies wet too.. The glass is covered with tender frosty drops of water, instead of the destined wine.. The rain was all over them.. He possessed them, as if he was the real guest and they were his treat.. As if i was his.. There was a noticeable change in his tone when i expressed my displeasure, my disappointment.. It was just the time.. I didn't mean to be rude.. I couldn't be so with him.. How do i choose between two things i so dearly, deeply desire? Both couldn't be had at the same time..
If only there was a way.. A shelter.. From the cruel eyes of the watchful world..
Desires craved and burned in cool silence and still remain unrealized from the clutches of situations, not turned into ashes as yet.. and the rain will not let it happen either.. The strings still holding us back.. And yet something pushes us ahead..

And yet the stones lie there... still and waiting..

For the Time Unspent..
Stolen by the Untimely Rain..

(This came to me (on the way to work) when i was wondering what people think when a certain person dresses differently than usual (me having dressed very differently than usual). We so easily tend to classifly or judge people based on the way they dress and the way they look.

There was a story i once read about a man who is disfigured but is a gem of a person. It had a reference to flowers which irrespective of the container (broken, stained pots etc) bloom to be the most beautiful things.. And so it is not outside that matters, its whats within that does.. We bother too much about the exterior and entirely ignore whats growing inside. (yes i understand that this is a very common observation, repeated by many people many times, just want to put it up here.)

Anyway back to the post:

Its only clothes..
The body is a clothing around the corpse of the soul..
The skin is the external layer.. a stretchable fabric..
The cloth is made up of many layers..
Too thick to be torn or poked into..
The soul is the real body, to be kept fit..
The body is just clothes, can be shed anytime..
Can be twisted and turned and fattened and leaned..
The soul is important..
Else its just all clothes..

CP: Beautiful body.. ;)

BP: SO! does it mean im naked?!? :O :O *holy crap* (achmed style ;)

A few new found and a few revived obsessions..

Terraces!! Red Orange Yellow Green Ladybugs.. Spinach..
Rain.. Coca.. Caterpillars..
Bruno, Jimmy, Lisa, Ozzie, Eon, Coco, Candee, Lily..
Coffee beans.. Unsaid.. Deep Felt..
Cologne.. Honeybee.. Milds..
White.. Black.. Lilies.. Mud.. Smiles.. Pain..
Paper.. Kohl.. Dark.. Soft Sun..
Cushions.. Windows..
Silence.. Confusion..
Trees.. Tea..
Base drum, High hat, Snare, Tom, Sticks, Pad..
Accelerator, Dashboard, Brake..
Lot of words..
And some more.. :)

That is what i feel..
Free.. Rather more free than usual..
Liberated.. From all connections of any kind..
Like someone else in my skin and my soul..
How can my view of things change so rapidly..
How can i go from feeling completely bogged down to superb excited and lighter..
From being so messed up and complicated to being so easy and simple?!?
Wonder when i will understand myself...
But its nice..
Feel different.. :)

Turns out this wasn't the 100th post anyway!! had a few draft listed too!! hehe

[UPDATE: Wrote this post when the thoughts were just pouring in and had not really sorted them out.. So it has come out very weird. Its the moment when i was trying to digest the change that i have to incorporate.. So it is not really the way it sounds now.. Hehe.. NOW this sounds like "The unstable atom" :)]

So many times in life we face situations when you feel things that you really want the other person(s) to know. You come across things if not feelings which you want to share with others but you feel you are unable to do it. Maybe not knowing how to do it, or maybe there is no one to share it with.

At other times, there is nothing that you have to share, but you are required to.

Some other times, there are many things that you have but you do not really understand if they should be shared, or what of those things should actually be known to others or that you should make them know. This usually happens with me when i'm working. Lets say in a professional set up. I've always worked very sincerely on whatever is given to me and also on additional things relevant to what i'm working on. I usually try to figure things out myself, and if it is highly out of my reach (which many times is) i approach the person who i've been working with. And then i develop a rapport with whoever i'm working with. Till now this is how it used to work for me. I usually continue to stick to my work, and talk to people as and when i have any queries or there are things i need to discuss and so on.. Related to the work i am currently doing or that is going to come up. So i do not tend to socialise much in office. There was never a need to do so, cause it never affected my work or people's perceptions about me or my work.

But taking cue from certain recent developments i guess things are not going to remain that way anymore. As you go from one position to another, or essentially grow, there are varied changes taking place. Though I'm still trying to understand the role that i am in currently, there are many expectations from me. Expectation which i never thought could actually exist! And now i face a task of actually fulfilling them! I always believed that as long as you work and get results thats what matters. But what i didn't know was to get that work you need to first be getting it, and the ways of getting it.. So now i face the task of doing something that i have never really appreciated doing. Though it is professional (or so its supposed to be), though it is something which is expected of me given the role i am in.. I guess this is going to be "the test" of my communication skills.
Wish me luck! :)

PS: never thought this would be a topic of my 100th post! Happy Hundred!! Cheers!! :D

CP: Oh congratulations to you! And good luck to you. You will excel no matter what! :)"tchin!! tchin!!"
BP: Yaaaabbbaaa daaabaaa doooooooo!!! YIIPPEE!! 100!! but you suck for this post!! you could do more like apple noodles on the french bridge?? :D ;) its ok next time
CP: BP is that really you??? "its ok next time"??? i just got a heart attack! :O
BP: *evil grin*

Its nice being here..
Chilly and windy.
The wind blows, all the way from the west,
The sea blows himself hoarse,
From the west.. where i can still see the remains of the evening sun..
The clouds float by..
As if on a pilgrimage
Serene White cuddly and yet ferocious..
They cover me and my part of the sky..
The wind sings a lullaby that only a few hearts can hear..
I'm covered with a soft pearly orange glow.. out of nowhere..
The moon too seems to be overwhelmingly engulfed by the passersby.. The guests, The clouds..
I like being here..
The hair rustling all over the face, shading the eyes, caressing the lips, playing with the naked neck..
As i stand here covered in goose flesh..
Waiting for some sign..
Faces swimming, dissolving.. bring memories which do not wish to be awakened that moment..
Nostalgia tries its best to flood out my sense of being..
But.. It fails..
I like the air filling up my senses and making me be a sight for the clouds and the distant hills..
Among all of these.. The sky and clouds, The air and winds, The trees and leaves, myself and soul..
Being on top..

I never really cursed bus drivers for the way they driver those almost monstrous vehicles, but today i have understood and feel everyone should appreciate how the amount of patience that they have!! I doubt it is a very simple task to handle a vehicle that huge, with the responsibility of approximately 50 human beings (many times exceeding the capacity and un-balancing the vehicle), negotiating through the heavy traffic at peak hours..
So today there was this junction where i was waiting for the vehicles coming from the right side to cross the junction so we could then cross it to the other side.. It was going smoothly until a guy on a ratty old bike in a fluorescent green shirt decided to intersect a bus (which was almost speeding up) and then he swears at the bus driver!!!! I felt like cursing the guy back and almost everyone on the road did. But the bus driver merely looked on, no reaction nothing, and went off! I know we tend to say that they are used to it. But we never think- what do we do when people do something of that sort with us in other situations??

Maybe something at work or at home? When someone shouts back at you for no fault of yours? Many times we tend to be aggressive even when the fault is ours, then how can this driver be so calm? They have so my pressure. It is not in the least easy to manage a vehicle as PMT buses or any vehicle as large as that.. Adding to it a lot of other important things which these people have to keep in mind and be alert about. Now, don't these people have a family? wouldn't they be having these things on the back of their mind? And then wouldn't they take out their frustration on such people who meddle like imbeciles? I think it is pretty fair thinking from a neutral perspective perhaps. Why can't these bike riders be a bit more sensible? And if they can't be then it is very natural to be crushed for their senselessness.. Wouldn't it have been easy for that bus driver to say that the guy just pop in out of nowhere and that the bus was in speed and hence couldn't be stopped immediately? Anyway the buses aren't in top condition. The brakes take forever to work. But still these bus drivers try to maintain their cool, and try to save these good for nothing fools. Had i been in their place i would surely have crushed the hell out of that guy.

We need to be just a bit more vigilant. I know its a bit rich coming from someone who has met with so many accidents in a very short span of time.. But this is what i've learnt! I'm not saying that the bus drivers are always correct.. But we need to understand that they are not always wrong, and we should try and understand where they are coming from instead of blaming them for every accident that happens..

So here is a few words of appreciation for them. Hats off!! :) Guess should write something that will actually reach them! :) Suggestions?

And in continuation with unexpected things happening.
I've finally undertaken the task of getting a passport done. And finally got the police verification underway. Needed to get the documents from the commissioner office, and unexpectedly the officer turned out to be a student of the father. the task which was expected to take a long and also some money spending (thanks to bureaucracy) was done in a jiffy free of cost! Then came the police station process. The officer was readily available, was told to get certain documents. Now most of the documents were not ready, Now this called for notary-hunting right when the sun was up high. And now i know they beauty of Sahakar Nagar where there is not a single notary!! much to my annoyance. I then started looking for "advocate" name plates, and found one thankfully. Mr.advocate (pretty aged) was in and available and agreed to attest the copies. And he did it free of cost!!!!! I was amazed that such people still exist! And then he says you can come anytime you want! No smiles no acknowledgment of my surprise or thanks nothing! Back to the police station, where i had to wait for sometime, but the officer inquired kindly (which was surprising again) as to why I was there and asked me to sit (i was standing for 10 mins with the still hurting leg), 20 mins later the same officer went in to the other lady officer and told her to hurry and then called me in!! Few minutes later I came out smiling gladly the way i did from then commissioner office and the advocate's place.
A day which was supposed to be full of stress and irritation and my temper flaring to limits unknown as it usually happens when i've to deal with bureaucracy.. Surprisingly turned out being almost smooth! Apart from the notary hunting process..

It could be cause of the family "contacts" (sounds much like "the godfather") but usually i cannot remain so clam and thing so not usually work out so easily..

Yes sometimes you encounter kindness at the most unexpected places.. And also most of the people who did extend this kindness did not know of the so called contacts.. But the still were equally helpful.. And so this proves that how much ever evil we encounter, the good in people still prevails.. I hope i will be able to retain that part of me in myself too!! :)

PS: Now just hoping the passport will be delivered soon! :)

Realizing the thin gap between my recent posts and the fact that there's too much going on, on the inside.. I thought I would give my words a rest for sometime.. But apparently they don't want to rest...

I find myself engulfed by this strange emptiness, though there is so much going on.. There is this whirlpool of emotions and thoughts waging a war on my capacity to be calm, which already is very weak.. An still I find myself empty suddenly..

Maybe its the happening of a few things, or maybe the not happening of a certain expected things..
Even after so many instances of expectations not being fulfilled, after being hurt so many times by loved ones.. Why does the heart still not lose hope? Why does it raise his head every time the rain stops? Even though the sun hasn't come through.. Many times it has its head held high even when the rain is exhausting himself all over.. in and out..

Hope in this case acts as an adversary.. It is not healthy to be so hopeful.. It then makes you fall hard your face and laughs at you.. It toys around with you.. But then why? Why leave me with all this emptiness? And then these haunting questions.. Bringing back ghosts from the past.. Raising them from their shallow graves.. Would they ever rest in peace? Or are they even dead?

But this emptiness and silence.. The effort of trying to create diversions for the self.. When all the heart wants to do is continue marinating in this turmoil.. But then it is dangerous.. Cause try as i might, very rarely, the face cannot mask what the heart feels.. The eyes say it all.. Yes it is dangerous..

I wish this emptiness would go away.. And some things would get back the way they were.. Even if it means letting go of a newfound joy.. Which i know won't really happen.. But if thats the cost i've to pay, to help things back to normal, i think i will surely consider, against all hopes and desires....

Engulfed.. by emptiness and a thousand questions.. Which shall not surface but shall perhaps still be answered.. The hope again..

The many drops of water attracted to earth every monsoon..
What is so special about them? I wonder..
What gives this rain the power to erase every and all kind of emotion that i ever felt, And make me blank, so that i can be written on all over again?

Is it the sound of the drops hitting various surfaces and making unearthly music?
Is it the effect they have on the surrounding? Transforming everything they touch, including myself..

He gives new life, to everyone, everything, every emotion..
He has the ability to romance like no one can ever have..

And just when you are about to come out of your rain-induced stupor..
When you feel you can take it no more..
Certain tunes hit your ear drums like chillies hit the boiling oil..

A lone musician.. Playing his instrument..
The rhythms, the tunes, the emotions overwhelm you..
Grief, Joy, Anger, Lust, Care, Excitement, Anxiety, Seduction..

How is it possible that an inanimate object can produce something as lively as an emotion?
How can they both, rain and music, touch a heart.. and manage to transform it?

And together the are a lethal pair..

There exists no alcohol, no emotion which can take you as high as they can..
No way anything else can touch you as much.. as deeply as they can..

The incessant love making reaches you..
It touches you..
Engulfs you..
And you can bear no more..

How are they both capable of bringing someone back to life..
To touch someone so deeply?

Could a lover ever understand this?
Would they be able to bear the knowledge of how these two things mean more to their loved one than them?

The soft splatter of rain on the roof.. The swishing of trees.. Croaking of frogs.. Meowing of peacocks.. The soft ticking of the clock.. Making me aware of the time coming close..

The rain makes music.. and the music makes love..
So fully, selflessly..
One could never have better lovers... take my word for it..

I like Banyan Trees,
The huge ones..

They sprout roots from all the wrong places..
Which then become one with bark..

Its new life intertwining with the existing one..
The bark growing larger with every root..

The Banyan shades everyone beneath its branches thrown wide..
And yet no one can reach its soul..

It grows magnificient..
It grows big..
With a huge heart..

Its roots stem new life again..
And then they take up charge..

I like Banyan trees..

You can never make out which one is the real core..
And still it is there, happily hidden away in behind all the masks..

The masks which are very much a part of it..
And yet they have their own life..

The fear stays what if they can survive without the core?
Wouldn't that bring only misfortune then?

But it shall never befall a Banyan Tree..
They know it and so do I..

And hence..
I like Banyan Trees.. :)

Long empty streets wet with remainders of evening rain.. The smell of mud romancing the cool breeze.. Leaves singing soft rustles tickled at being caressed by the heavenly breeze.. Unaware of the human presence, amongst all this show of love, tenderness and strange connections.. Amongst this confusion as to who belongs to whom.. Unaware and uncaring of all the pleasant turmoil these characters on the nature's stage are going through, The Moon unveils many untold secrets of souls unknown, unmet, far away.. and yet together.. :)

The tales wet the eye, and curve the wet lips into something that makes the hear glow.. strangely enough.. A heart that does not belong to the smile..

The street light flickers and so do they eyes.. Before meeting or rather not wanting to hold the gaze.. The moon knows all, so do the stars and the lights from afar..

The road leads nowhere particular.. To some old memories maybe.. To a place within the self.. Within the heart, that does not belong.. Which disowns itself.

This is the moment of peace.. Of knowing what eludes every soul.. Of knowing that there is so much to be known but still letting it be in its shell.. The pride at protecting this fragile shell, which will break even at the meeting of the eyes.. Letting the mystery remain for as long as it can bear the pearly insides of the soul.. of each soul..

By the way.. The moon still talks a lot.. Of secrets and mysteries, known to all and yet untold.. :) a look in his eye will bare it all..

By the way.. Its only if you know where and how to look... :)

Was just looking at the dashboard and saw "91 posts".. And it struck me that I've actually written 91 posts in past 2 years.. (this June contributing to 14 of those till today, this being the 92nd 1). You must be wondering why so many posts since past few days (if at all you haven't still got bored!). Well the posts say it all.. But still for some of you who still get confused thanks to my entangled words..

There's lots happening.. Work is routine though picking up speed now (will be one month old in the new company soon).. Full weekdays and equally fuller weekends.. Spending time with friends (missing dear ones who are out of town :(), watching plays, time with family, dining out and rest.. All in all I'm busy and should not really have much time to let my mind fog with anything else.. However, the personal front is somewhat going through a lot of disruptions.. Mostly good ones.. At least the things don't seem or feel to be bad or negative.. It is something very new and pretty unusual for me too (considering I'm most likely to be involved in the most unusual things, as compared to the group of people surrounding me ever since, hence getting the nick name "weird", "mad" etc). So yes this is something relatively new and unusual for me. Where I'm absolutely not sure of what it is. Of what I'm to expect. This is very strange since almost every time something strange happens i know what is going to happen (refer to: surprised surprise). And so this has thrown me off guard and the falling, surprisingly, is even sweeter!! Maybe the spontaneity of it, the lack of understanding of where this comes from or where it is bound to go or where we want it to go.. I feel the fact that we are at a complete loss is something which makes it so special..

There are times (me being impatient) when i feel like just getting to the point and getting a direction or some understanding into the happenings, just confronting myself or the other person about whatever it is, thought i know the answers or the utter lack of answers. There are times when I feel irritated at the lack of clarity, at not having the tiniest of insight on something like this.. Most shocking is that I can't even decipher my own feelings and emotions or what i want.. There are all these never-ending Why's, What's, How's crowding my head to a point that i cannot think anymore and become as blank as ever (not that the thoughts are very helpful), even questions cease to form (answers don't exist anyway).. But then i let go and let things bloom at their own pace.. And that is the time i start living in the moment (as a dear friend has been constantly telling me to), and realize how easier it is to just let go of yourself, and feel your inhibitions melt, give-in to something so pure, natural, spontaneous, unplanned, unexpected, full of life and unexplained surprising comfort.. Theres more to it, but still unraveling the mystery of what it is. And that process itself is so heartening and lovely (though disruptive and irritating at times), that i doubt we would actually want to go to the root of it (which might then render it routine).. :)

So, i warn you to be prepared for more such confusing posts. Perhaps you could help me with some insights, that you may have.. Or just travel with me, as I try to understand myself and this new founded.. bliss? :) cheers!!