The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Would you ask me to dance tonight,
Would you sway me in your arms and not let go all night..
Would whisper in my ear of your love and your longing and..
Would you let me keep you forever? :)

You refuse to talk to me, you take me for granted, you reject my existence, i bear it all for just a moment with you.. but do take a minute yourself, and ask the people who do not have me what they go through..

Missing those days.. those moments.. those people.. missing all of it..
The times in college parking, CCD Law college road- with Garfeild, Pink, Sonal, Axu and sameer at times..
Missing my 1st ever mood-i..
Miss THE crush in college..
Missing the time spent with Anya.. missing being with him.. Miss 31st Dec 2008..
So many things.. All past.. Never to be got back again.. never..
Miss PIFF 2008.. Missing so many people, places, feelings..
Why do these things go away.. why is this emptiness.. Do they feel the same too? Or is it just me who misses them? Is the void mutual? Why can't somethings and people just stay.. and if they have to go away, why not take the memories and emotions away with them? never to come back???
Why do they do things which they never meant? how do feelings change, and if they have to, why can't it be mutual?
Pain has become a constant companion.. why is there that soft corner for each person still there? why can't i become a stone when i know i've let go? or have i really let go?
I miss it so much!! I miss you..
Missing it all.. :( :(

CP- ok thats it. Its ok.. control yourself now. move on! :|
BP- No No No!! how can it be OK!??!!! :( :( :(
CP- Fine. Then you miss out the rest of the stuff coming too!!
BP- OH. Ok. Its ok. :D :D ;)
CP- BP!!! hehehe.. I love you!
BP- umm.. love you too :)

Groggy eyed as i sat on the table to have my morning cup of tea, brain trying hard to comprehend the news in the daily newspaper, these are some thought which came to my mind.. More keep coming, but only a few form logic or realities as the ones which follow. They might have been already spoken of, maybe in a different language than what i use here, the facts may already be known, but i did not know of them when these came to my mind: (people might beg to differ, but this is what i feel/ felt. will keep updating time and again, as an when my brain gets clogged with the mundane things of life)

1) If life was fair to everyone everytimes, it would cease to exist.

2) The best compliment and the worse curse for a woman is being the mistress of the man she loves.

3)Life is like an exchange program. We stay here for a stipulated period of time, we get comfortable with the people around us and the enironment and then we go back home to god. Death is just a ride back home!!

4) Pain and suffering are the biggest equalizers. THe hurt everyone the same way, and tears always taste salty..

5) Pain works better than even a good night's sleep, a lover's kiss, a mother's sweet caress, and a friend's gentle scolding words..

The cold winter mornings.. The warm bed and the cozy blanket.. The struggle to get out of the warmth and step on to the chilly floor.. But as the chill slowly adjusts to the body.. The eyes search for an open pane, wanting to peek on the world outside, trying to break-free of the dreamland.. and there the sun, ever so magestic stand tall, braving the cold winter winds.. Involuntarily my lips smile as they drink in his wintry warmth.. As they waited all night, fighting the cold away.. just to live this moment..

Just as we do many times, unknowingly though. Fighting all the pains and all the tears that accompany them.. Waiting for the moment when the involuntarly smile will appear.. Waiting for the sunny love, which would take the cold pain away.. The winter which we bravely fought, only to get to the safety of the sun.. The warmth which keeps us alive and ignited.. The sun which would dry all the cold tears, and melt away all the splinters from our hearts.. The sun which would bind our broken hearts and not burn away all the marks forever..

The feel of the warm rays on the skin when you get out of the shadows, brings with it the longing to stay with him all through the day.. To let him make love to you till the azure sky can hold him no more..

Braving the cold winter, just for a peek at the glowing wintry sun.. Weak at times, Shadowed by the occasional white puffs of clouds, but always there, only for You.. :) Reminding me of you.. :)

[not properly formed, just put the thoughts as they crowded in the little brain ;)]

For My Dear GSD,

Its you.. Its all you.. and its all yours!
Whenever sorrow and lonliness try to engulf me in their cold arms,
The thought of your warmth drives away d demons..
The look in your eyes when you see me,
The butterflies in the stomach at your touch.. even at the thought of you and your touch..
So difficult to shake off the longing to be in the heaven of your arms again..
The longing feels like paradise itself..
The whole world feels like an illusion which carries me away with it, but your thoughts and your being in my life bring me back to life..
You are so itched on my soul..
So simple and yet so great, or maybe the simplicity makes it worth..
The unmatched intensity which you exhibit, ever so tenderly..
The love- so unbearable, and yet i can't get enough!
Its all you.. written all over me..
What is it that you do to me? I fail to understand and yet i do not wish to understand..
The world seems a happier colorful place with you around..
Your thought brighten up my days and my heart glows from the memories..
Though we are unaware of what this is..
Though we feel it is strange and weird..
Though its unclassifiable as the supposedly greatest emotion on earth..
Though there are so many "ifs", "buts" n "thoughs"..
I know you are there.. Always.. And you know I'm there always..
Being each others and yet apart..
The undying trust, the deep faith and the everlasting belief..
Your eyes promise me my place in them forever, i hope mine tell you the same..
The scarce passionate meets, blow me away..
I get caught up in the frenzy and you still shower me with your all-consuming love!
Till i can think no more..
Your eyes and your face get me going all over again..
The taste stays long after, It brings a much wanted bitter sweet pain..
Your feel lingers, your thoughts are a constant warm trusting companion..
Untill the next rendez-vous.. You stay with me now and always..
Its you.. Its all you.. and its all yours!
Somethings are just meant to be, and one of them is you and me!

Yours only,
Super Bitch. :)

Bored, scared, insecure, unsure.. Why?!?! Imagination can be a curse n a boon at the same time! Curse when you start imagining thing which really bother you, and thats all your mind is full of! So the pseudo emptiness.. no thoughts of things which are ought to be done.. rather mind is full of things which are a hinderance.. Fighting off the demons.. Need to fill my mind with things which actually have some meaning.. unsure of what to write, since nothing concrete is going on! other than a bleak hope of having things to do sometime after exams.. The constant need to be surrounded by friends.. to be out in the open.. Nothing to write about.. Emptiness cannot be handled.. books help quite a bit.. waiting for the trance to be lifted! wanting to be my old self.. getting back to the groove.. slowly but surely.. oh the emptiness..