The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

Long journeys back home.. The bus trudges along every evening through the same smokey highways snaking through lost routes cradled in the lonely cloud-ridden mountains.. The sky full of dark clouds snatching away the sleep which nestled in the eyes and clogged the brain all day through. Haunting and times much craved nostalgia traps the heart in a steely grip and leaves it warmed up in the cold evening wind.. Flights to the past and lands unknown yet familiar.. Some familiar but so untrue, unreal, non-existent.. and some of lost loves and tortured happy memories..

The monsoon, the light drizzle, the soft sunlight when the skies open up after the rain's much awaited war, the intoxicating smell of the dry earth wetted by the wild un-fulfilled romance of the rain.

The city slowly looms into view and brings back the warm senses.. A startlingly welcome sight.
Big stone houses oldest and yet the strongest, carrying with them all the secrets of the long forgotten past, living it everyday and yet experiencing the present..
Standing proudly majestic.
New conceret complexes, menancing and yet spell binding..
Mid-time buildings hanging shabbily in between.. Silently refused recognition..

The noises of the city,
The sight of vehicles,
The presences of people.. all kinds of them..
The lights, some mourning an unpleasant loss or perhaps basking in the glow of love recently made, some dancing around in celebration or in an attempt to forget some painful ancient wound..
The smells.. and the tales..
All so unwanted once upon a time, now gladly welcomed as a part of the self.. all sucked in, in the empty heart..

I love the city at such times, the times of home-coming.. of drinking up the poisonous past and the times of being strong and of carrying on.. The times of losing myself to the city and letting it takes its toll on me..
I love the city at such times.. so discretely and serenly, magnificently and beautifully, cleanly and without much fuss..
Kills the human in me and makes me alive..
Brings me back to life..

Diary entry 4/7/08

Afternoon:
Raining, Its lovely outside. Was about to go get some work done when plan got cancelled. Thats when the wind blew in showering drops of water inside through the window.. I change and sit at d window already relishing the ahunting beauty on monsoons, music playing from my broken "fly" phone, and the drizzle stops... vanishes completely to be replaced by dazzling monsoon sun.. Amazed at how i manage to relate and connect everything to love and relationships..
Like this drizzle made me think of the brief realtionships we have in life.. Infatuation, attraction, pseudo "love", which seem to last for a lifetime, we run for cover, cover ourselves or at times get ready to be totally drenched and the drizzle stops. As abruptly as it had started..Sometimes you can foresee but sometimes you are just defeated, like i feel now..
The clouds are clearing, the sun shines through more brightly... Its funny how the one single thing can be made to depict two totally opposite views. Like rain signifies sorrow but also life at times.. The sun signifies the coming of good times, warmth but also a lot of sun can be harsh and can mean destruction..
I hate being negative cause what I think might just happne. I can't be too hopeful cause the thing might not happen! Funny..But then rather be positive, hope, dream away and try making those dreams come true..

Evening 7:26
(original entry in French, so some feelings are lost in translation and might not have the desired impact)
I'm at NIBM. at some other place than the usual lawn. There is still some light, so night falls i'll go to the lawn. All alone.. The birds are making a lot of noise as usual.. hurrying to go home to their loved ones.. I love the sounds though it scares me at times.. Love the things which make me think of nothing.. I can just keep admiring them for what they are.. The night serenades me, cajoles me, little by little.. She keeps coming on accompanied by the moon.. the existence of one is not complete without the other.. I love the night and the moon.. She is always the same.. shall never change.. black, discrete, silent.. and the moon always alive, proud and smiling.. The night fills all the blank spaces of the world.. You see the spaces between trees, the buildings and even between people. The night fills all. But one thing it cannot fill with its darkness, the hearts.. The hearts which remain ever empty.. The lack of emotion, of love.. The biggest lacune of the world. I hope the night falls quickly now.. Even if it can't fill the hearts of people, even if I can't meet my love once again in this life.. I wish that night comes quickly. Hoping against all odds and nature that the night can fill the hearts of the world with all the love and care they desire n deserve.. One day maybe.. Till then let the night engulf me and let the black take me to my love..