The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

There are times when there is so much burden on your heart, your mind, all your senses and your self which you can't carry even a centimeter furthur and all that you want to do is just let go and be stranded where you are, let d wind wash over you and wipe you away from the face of earth.. If you let go at that moment then you might not be able to get back and continue your journey again..
But then out of the purple you get this weird insane hope and strength and you do exactly the opposite and be firm, be strong and move millimeter by millimeter.. Once you put a leach around that self-inflicted hurdle of the uncontrolled desire, you can conquer any paramount..

The strong grip of emotions around your throat when letting go of someone who is a part of your being..
The feeling in your gut when you realise you let the opposition get past you and that they shall score only because of you..
The skipped heart beat when you just miss hitting the playing kid or the street-crossing granny..
The molten feeling in your stomach when you understand something you did in good faith went terrible wrong..
The silver beeds of sweat on your forehead when you've lived the worst nightmare you've ever had..
The smell of freshly baked cake by mom wafting in through the window of your rented room bringing with it the memories of your motherland, of your mom..

Moving on.. the most difficult of all the things to do.. Thats how people percieve it to be.. I'd beg to differ.. I used to believe that too, until I had a few of my eye-openers. It in fact isnt' all that difficult to move on. You shed a few tears on the thing which you lost, you open your eyes the next morning, you look at the sun shine down on you brightly bringing you a new gift wrapped in colorful butterflies and shinning rays and sparkling green dew drops.. You take a look at the gift and you think of the many possiblities of using this gift.. The gift of life, the new opportunity that you have. Which you wouldn't have had if you would still be holding on to the thing which flowed away with your tears, which you wiped off your eyes..
So moving on actually isn't that difficult. Learning to look at the positive side of the disaster might be, but it can be learnt. I guess as I did.. The very famous words stand tall and erect "When God closes a door, He open a window somewhere" Its upto us to make that window into a door. At the least you can use the window, else try find it, else atleast stop looking at the closed door! unless of course you want the window to be closed as well and let the darkness eat you up.. But that won't happen cause thats not what you are.. You do not give up, its not in the nature of any living being to give up! You have to move on and go on.. Cause that is what life means.. If you are alive you have to keep rolling.. Baby!! Go get it.. Move on.. Go on!! Breathe! Smile! Dance! Laugh! Run! Cry! Live. :-)

A Boon and a Bane, a Broken Cane, Shallow rain,
The excruciating Pain, all in Vain,
Nothing to Lose and much to Gain,
Again and again; My heart open is Lain,
All I feel is Insane,
Never was I a Plain Jane,
Played as I in d darkened Lane..
Watching through the light window Pane..
Waiting for my knight with a long Mane,
Would there be a day when I would be all Sane?
Or am I meant to be just this Insane Ane?


Friend Forever, Passionate Lover, Loving Mom, Doting Dad, Elder Sis, Honest Critic, Supporting Senior, Godly Mentor, Fun-loving Friend, Concerned Granny, Strict Granddad, Chilled out Aunt, Interested Uncle, Protective Bro, Helping Hands, Caring Hearts, Eyes Watching Out, Intense Relations, Delicate Threads, Fragile Emotions, Deep Bonds..
All of them are there, always there..
Yet the heart seeks something deeper, something unknown.. Is it there and still unseen? Do I have it and still knowingly or unknowingly I throw it away? Have I thrown it away? Heart wrenching thoughts come to haunt me again.. I don't understand the motive I had behind my own actions in the past..
How much ever I try to live in the present, I go back to the past.. Cause what I want is what I lost in the past.. My hands were full of it.. of the love, care, support, strength of the person who meant the world to me.. I threw away my world, wanting it to know of my need.. I threw it away without intending to do so. Even after hundreds of apologies to try and hold it up and safe, my world comes crashing down around me.. The world which anyone would lust for..
I could never dream of this day, not even think of it and it has arrived.. I've borne it from my own unsuspecting mouth and cruel, acid words.. it has taken roots and it continues its dead decayed dark journey with my being.. Haunting all my thoughts, reminding me of my deeds each passing moment, it doesn't reduce but increases with every regretful thought that blooms in my sick soul..
I continue to do so, unlearning from the past.. I cut away from people I want, in pursuit of wanting them to know my needs my desires, to be with them; I cut away..
I hurt them, I trod on their feelings, I shamelessly beg for their forgiveness..
I lay myself open before them.. yet again.. They've seen me without any of my rare masks..
They know the color of my soul, and they loved it, they wanted it.. they cared.. THEY CARED!
and yet I caused so much hurt that they have lost the ability to love it any more..
I try to give up and can't do that either.. Had never dreamt that a crack would grow this large that even my heart's cry won't reach out to her's..
What happens to all the promises and the confidence? Did I burn it all? Do I not get any consideration for the pain that I go through that they have not faced? And god forbid shall never have to face? Did I really cross the line? Do i always expect too much? Have I never given any consideration and then where do they disappear to when I do really need them and tell them so? Isn't a friend in need a friend indeed? Does this have conditions like if 7 out of 10 times the friend is there then he's eligible to be a true friend? if 5 out of 10 times he's there then he's eligible to be a good friend.. and so on? Is it so? Can i have an answer or can I have you back please? Do my tears mean nothing to you any more? I am sorry.. My soul-mate, my friend.. My best friend-since-school-days..

One fine evening,
I stand on the 9th balcony from the bottom..
Sipping on a cuppa granny's tea..
Wind blows through open morning-washed hair,
Caresses the sleep laden face..
I watch the children play in d blue pool, in water warmed by their own pee..
The kulfi-wala passes by, his patent bell ringing away, alluring kids to his pseudo sweetness..
Buses, rickshaws, bikes and cars hurry past, eager to reach somewhere, eager to get away from somewhere..
Only the sounds fall on my desperate ears..
and soothe me.. reassure me..
Birds twitter in the distance, welcoming a balmy evening,
a solace from the day's heat, heart broken due to the rain's fake promise,
hoping for a true one for tomorrow..
And suddenly a pigeon feather floats in front of me.. on the 9th balcony from the bottom..
I watch its lazy and at times agile course, frozen and stunned as I am.. for no reason..
a slow smile appears on my face..
I feel this pure and true feeling after ages.
Fail to remember the last time I felt my facial muscle do it so naturally, it relaxes me..
and I fail to understand yet again, why is that it has to be followed by the wetness that I feel in my eyes now?
The pool is empty now,
Tea still warm,
My head feels light,
I'm free.. and I feel like narrating it to you!

WIP (Work in process) and RIP (Rest in peace)
I shall always be a WIP, till I RIP.. If at all i do! But I doubt there will be peace with all those cogs working on me all the time, that even when the body shall become a mere lifeless shell, the work on the soul and its effects shall continue.
Or is it that they all work in peace? Maybe they do, but they leave me restless..
The seed shall always be a work in process and continue the journey from shell to shell,
at times remembering the previous work, at times have pseudo memory loss about the past processes..
The journey continues through life and through death.. never ending like a close loop which keeps changing..
Emancipation is life a distant dream,
The wanting for which is yet unknown..

Does wanting ever end? Wanting, craving, longing for all the "things".. They say when you stop wanting, you are satisfied, they say when you stop wanting things, you want emancipation.. But then isn't that a wanting too? So do we really stop wanting? And if we do, they why do we still stay alive? Isn't the search for all the answers about who am "I", what is the "I", a want in itself? The people give up the material or worldly things and desires, what do they do? Do they not want anything? Then why do the chant mantras, and why do they walk and talk and eat and sleep and breathe? They do want something.. If they say not wanting anything is the ultimate goal and satisfaction, and if they say that after you are satisfied, you will not want anymore, then are they not wanting the state of "not to want anything"? Then why do they still exist? shouldn't they be dead? Does the wanting really stop for anyone? and if it does then how and why?