The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

A time comes when everything seems to be perfectly alright. Everything falls in place, work, love, family, friends, the self too. But then as said before what is life if its perfect and so without any reason, this feeling comes to haunt you. A feeling of moss covered nostalgia, dark despair, piercing loneliness, and screaming frustration which wrecks havoc on each and every inch of you, inside and outside.
No amount of will power to stay calm and composed can't help you stop drifting away from your aim and jumping to conclusion or exaggerating trivial issue.. The insides were sreaming in protest and the outside world was facing the consequences of the self made hurricane.. you try to vent it out, but its as sticky as cotton wool on hands coated with glue, can't shake it off so easily.. The feeling has to stay cause it has to disrupt the illusion of a perfect life that you are going through. The more you try to push it aside, take it out, throw it away, the more it clings on to you, it becomes a parasite. Sucking away at the all the rotten things you feel and at those which it injects into you.. It becomes a vicious cycle and it goes on burning every trace of perfection.. This twisted weirdness knows not where to stop and hence you are the one who has to get a grip and wash it all away. It takes a few seconds at times and at times it stays on for long.. But mostly if ebbs away once its aim is fulfilled and it won't do much harm unless you let it carry on.. Once you manage to convince it that the damage it has caused is enough for life to go on, then you can safely assume that this twisted weirdness will sit back and you get to work like its slave, to keep it happy with a few imperfections here and a few there, so that it doesn't attack you again.
Though at times you get carried away with your perfections and this little weirdness has no option than to hit you back to your senses again.. All it does is try to keep you in the race, to keep you alive.. And here I go blaming it for my mood swings and all the bad things! So next time you are low think bout this twisted weirdness and thank it for the fortune it has in store for you!

What is it that I need and what is it that I ask for? What do all these questions mean? And do the answers even exist? I'm so bored and tired of the same cycle again and again! Doesn't everyone deserve a change? Doesn't everyone want a change? and then why don't they change? Don't people get bored of pretending and lying and why don't they change then? If change is not constant would it not become stagnant? But if change doesn't change, it would be the same change! But if change changes it would change to the opposite that is not same as change!! So should it or should it not change?

Oh how happy and relieved these few lines make me! I've finally been able to put my views about change in a much resolved manner than how they were in my brain.. Though theres lots more to it.. This much is enough for the time being. Wonder if anyone could enlighten me a bit more about what I have just puked on these virtual pages! I know its a pretty dark shade, but its very colorful too if you know how to see! ;-) or shall I say if you can see my way, where I'm pointing towards.. cheers!!

A friend termed it as a piece of philosophy. All of us sometime or the other in our lives go through, are worried about, enjoy, hate being in, stay away, want to have etc. relationships.. so here it is.. A small pinch of philosophy for everyone to ruminate on..
Tackling a huge load of some very light cloth, to be wrapped on the college railings, a friend trying to help me with no good luck, I suddenly face a tangle of the cloth..
The cloth itself being around 50 metres in length, one can imagine the depth of the tangle..
I struggle with the knots.. The friends suggests "cut it off" I stop her harshly and continue my stuggle single handedly with the long cloth..
Just when the friend is losing her patience, for no good reason, in a flash the knots untangle and the cloth is free of all complications.. and I continue my work with ease and harmony with the cloth..
"The same thing happens with relationships, we think they won't work any more and we try to shake them off, cut them away, crush them.. But then later on after having lost everything dear to us, we realise that if only we had held on for some more and tried a bit more, everything would be fine and they would live in harmony..."

Black is the core of the ocean blue,
Black is spread out above us in the sky so clear,
It has no lover and no brother..
Black is the color I wear,
Black is the color I see,
Black is the color of my thoughts and black is me..
It is the one and only leveler, black is life and black is death..
Black is my heart and black is the love that is has for you..
Black is god n black is the devil,
Black is sorrow and black is the joy that rips my heart and I can't contain any more,
The black spills out and spreads all around,
Dances in and out and takes me for a round..
Black is the air that I breathe and black is the universe that revolves around me!
And if you could find me a color deeper than this then that would be Me!!

-Prachi J.