The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

My tea's grown cold
My eye's all sore
My heart churns out a mournful tune
I feel all alone but yet not lonely,
Cause somewhere in the corner of my heart, I know you still are there..
When will my sun shine on me again?
Can you please wipe the clouds of tears away?
Its the new year after all and everyone deserves another chance!
My words may sound empty
My face may tell you a lie
My eyes shall sparkle with you smile etched on them
You believed my fake words and I fail to understand how
Do you know naught of my love and do you know naught of my hurt?
I let go of the light now, but it still resides in my heart,
I put a blanket over it to keep it warm till my sun comes out again..
The end is near and so is the new beginning..
I shall pray that my sun will shine soon, wouldn't you?


- Prachi

(Personally i don't like this one much, not exactly how i wanted it to come out.. but nonetheless..)

Along came a spider, and wove his web around me,
I accepted it with all the greed i could gather.
Gently he serenaded me with his pincers..
The deadly weapons feel like soft feathers,
He wove the web and i was mesmerized..
He Cuddles n cares.. and is always there.
Is this a home where i feel so safe and so loved?
Or is this just a trap full of illusions, as it has been before?
Why cannot i see through things? or are things really as they seem from outside?
Along came a spider, and showed me real dreams..
He helps me know the difference between the two.. keeps me anchored and keeps me to himself, though unknowingly..
Emotions raging a fiasco, not knowing where to go and what to feel..
Though my spider appears to be stable, his clear eyes showing the way,
the misty feeling can be sensed even from beneath so many cloaks..
I feel lost and yet I'm sure.. Words fail me, as a plethora of emotions choke them!
Is this web the home he built for me? or is it god's trap yet again?
I feel safe n i feel loved, everything a bait could ask for..
so i shall stay put and wait for my spider to come back to me!
Along came a spider, and took my world by a storm..
Along came a spider, and wiped off all my past..
Along came a spider, and swept me off my feet, without intending to..
Along came a spider, i hope he stays back! :)

Broken and bruised..
I try to find myself in the girl who looks at me through the mirror..
Who is this known stranger, who glares at me and demands unknown answers?
With no spark in her eyes.. With no life..
Who snatched it away from her? Or was it she who threw it away?
In the hope to find solace, she made a pact with the devil himself..
Who is this girl staring at me?
And where is the carefree pure soul I'd once known to look at me and smile without any burdens?
Need to free the soul lying in a dark corner, from all the dark dirty shadows of the flimsy mis-leading world..
If only you would give me your hand. and tell me you would be there forever..
I would let go.. And I would hold on..
Tired of the changing identities.. Tired of the whole wide world..
Tired of the illusions of friendship.. Tired of the fake relations..
Tired of the pretexts to lure me in a trap.. to be a prey of the desires which would burn me down to ashes which scream out in pain..
For the un-erasable wounds on the soul..
For the unbelievable illusions of everything..
Please take me away from here..
You are the only bright light on the dark canvas of my life..
You are the golden drops on the dark threads of my dreaded nightmares..
Please take me away from this murky world.. Cover me in the tender sheets of your everlasting love..
Take me away.. Heal me.. Heal my wounds unseen, un-known, un-tended, un-cared for..
Take me with you, wherever you go, engulf me in yourself..
Cover me, and protect me from the big bad world.. help me find myself..
Help me re-ignite the spark.. Help me be me..
Find me my lost identity.. would you?

Can I be your firefly and brighten-up your world like u light up mine with a single smile? Would you like to take my hand and gather the colors which even the rainbow doesn’t have? Cause I will follow you wherever u lead me. I shall be your firefly whenever the dark clouds try to cover your smile. I shall always hold on. Would you like this firefly to be yours, if I promise my light won’t go off at the end of the night?


Would you ask me to dance tonight,
Would you sway me in your arms and not let go all night..
Would whisper in my ear of your love and your longing and..
Would you let me keep you forever? :)

You refuse to talk to me, you take me for granted, you reject my existence, i bear it all for just a moment with you.. but do take a minute yourself, and ask the people who do not have me what they go through..

Missing those days.. those moments.. those people.. missing all of it..
The times in college parking, CCD Law college road- with Garfeild, Pink, Sonal, Axu and sameer at times..
Missing my 1st ever mood-i..
Miss THE crush in college..
Missing the time spent with Anya.. missing being with him.. Miss 31st Dec 2008..
So many things.. All past.. Never to be got back again.. never..
Miss PIFF 2008.. Missing so many people, places, feelings..
Why do these things go away.. why is this emptiness.. Do they feel the same too? Or is it just me who misses them? Is the void mutual? Why can't somethings and people just stay.. and if they have to go away, why not take the memories and emotions away with them? never to come back???
Why do they do things which they never meant? how do feelings change, and if they have to, why can't it be mutual?
Pain has become a constant companion.. why is there that soft corner for each person still there? why can't i become a stone when i know i've let go? or have i really let go?
I miss it so much!! I miss you..
Missing it all.. :( :(

CP- ok thats it. Its ok.. control yourself now. move on! :|
BP- No No No!! how can it be OK!??!!! :( :( :(
CP- Fine. Then you miss out the rest of the stuff coming too!!
BP- OH. Ok. Its ok. :D :D ;)
CP- BP!!! hehehe.. I love you!
BP- umm.. love you too :)

Groggy eyed as i sat on the table to have my morning cup of tea, brain trying hard to comprehend the news in the daily newspaper, these are some thought which came to my mind.. More keep coming, but only a few form logic or realities as the ones which follow. They might have been already spoken of, maybe in a different language than what i use here, the facts may already be known, but i did not know of them when these came to my mind: (people might beg to differ, but this is what i feel/ felt. will keep updating time and again, as an when my brain gets clogged with the mundane things of life)

1) If life was fair to everyone everytimes, it would cease to exist.

2) The best compliment and the worse curse for a woman is being the mistress of the man she loves.

3)Life is like an exchange program. We stay here for a stipulated period of time, we get comfortable with the people around us and the enironment and then we go back home to god. Death is just a ride back home!!

4) Pain and suffering are the biggest equalizers. THe hurt everyone the same way, and tears always taste salty..

5) Pain works better than even a good night's sleep, a lover's kiss, a mother's sweet caress, and a friend's gentle scolding words..

The cold winter mornings.. The warm bed and the cozy blanket.. The struggle to get out of the warmth and step on to the chilly floor.. But as the chill slowly adjusts to the body.. The eyes search for an open pane, wanting to peek on the world outside, trying to break-free of the dreamland.. and there the sun, ever so magestic stand tall, braving the cold winter winds.. Involuntarily my lips smile as they drink in his wintry warmth.. As they waited all night, fighting the cold away.. just to live this moment..

Just as we do many times, unknowingly though. Fighting all the pains and all the tears that accompany them.. Waiting for the moment when the involuntarly smile will appear.. Waiting for the sunny love, which would take the cold pain away.. The winter which we bravely fought, only to get to the safety of the sun.. The warmth which keeps us alive and ignited.. The sun which would dry all the cold tears, and melt away all the splinters from our hearts.. The sun which would bind our broken hearts and not burn away all the marks forever..

The feel of the warm rays on the skin when you get out of the shadows, brings with it the longing to stay with him all through the day.. To let him make love to you till the azure sky can hold him no more..

Braving the cold winter, just for a peek at the glowing wintry sun.. Weak at times, Shadowed by the occasional white puffs of clouds, but always there, only for You.. :) Reminding me of you.. :)

[not properly formed, just put the thoughts as they crowded in the little brain ;)]

For My Dear GSD,

Its you.. Its all you.. and its all yours!
Whenever sorrow and lonliness try to engulf me in their cold arms,
The thought of your warmth drives away d demons..
The look in your eyes when you see me,
The butterflies in the stomach at your touch.. even at the thought of you and your touch..
So difficult to shake off the longing to be in the heaven of your arms again..
The longing feels like paradise itself..
The whole world feels like an illusion which carries me away with it, but your thoughts and your being in my life bring me back to life..
You are so itched on my soul..
So simple and yet so great, or maybe the simplicity makes it worth..
The unmatched intensity which you exhibit, ever so tenderly..
The love- so unbearable, and yet i can't get enough!
Its all you.. written all over me..
What is it that you do to me? I fail to understand and yet i do not wish to understand..
The world seems a happier colorful place with you around..
Your thought brighten up my days and my heart glows from the memories..
Though we are unaware of what this is..
Though we feel it is strange and weird..
Though its unclassifiable as the supposedly greatest emotion on earth..
Though there are so many "ifs", "buts" n "thoughs"..
I know you are there.. Always.. And you know I'm there always..
Being each others and yet apart..
The undying trust, the deep faith and the everlasting belief..
Your eyes promise me my place in them forever, i hope mine tell you the same..
The scarce passionate meets, blow me away..
I get caught up in the frenzy and you still shower me with your all-consuming love!
Till i can think no more..
Your eyes and your face get me going all over again..
The taste stays long after, It brings a much wanted bitter sweet pain..
Your feel lingers, your thoughts are a constant warm trusting companion..
Untill the next rendez-vous.. You stay with me now and always..
Its you.. Its all you.. and its all yours!
Somethings are just meant to be, and one of them is you and me!

Yours only,
Super Bitch. :)

Bored, scared, insecure, unsure.. Why?!?! Imagination can be a curse n a boon at the same time! Curse when you start imagining thing which really bother you, and thats all your mind is full of! So the pseudo emptiness.. no thoughts of things which are ought to be done.. rather mind is full of things which are a hinderance.. Fighting off the demons.. Need to fill my mind with things which actually have some meaning.. unsure of what to write, since nothing concrete is going on! other than a bleak hope of having things to do sometime after exams.. The constant need to be surrounded by friends.. to be out in the open.. Nothing to write about.. Emptiness cannot be handled.. books help quite a bit.. waiting for the trance to be lifted! wanting to be my old self.. getting back to the groove.. slowly but surely.. oh the emptiness..

On my way to college this morning, trying hard to dodge the meandering un-caring inhabitants of Upper-indira nagar, a little girl of 5 or 6 crossed the road and i was well away from her. The route was deserted for a minute piece of a minute, (a very rare phenomenon considering the kind of creatures that inhibit the area), and i ceased the chance to speed up a bit to gain yardage. And as i did that, i noticed there was a small boy with here, the same age presumably. He too was trying to cross the road close behind her. But due to my intervention, he was unable to do this! I felt sad but thought he would cross it after i passed, but unfortunately a load of vehicles followed me. I saw these emotions flash through his eyes in a jiffy. Fear, tension, longing, amazement, embarassement.. All these while he grasped the incident that just happened. She was with him till they left feom home to go to school, and suddenly at one moment she went ahead and crossed the road, she walked away and didn't even look back to check if he was there. Perhaps she had no doubt that he would follow or he would always be there.
This incident made me think about two things..

Firstly, Knowingly or unknowingly we are catalyst in so many things happening around us in the world. Like what happened with those kids on the road back there. (I hope he managed to cross the road, and that they both reached their destination together :)) We are carrying on our work and daily routine activities, but rarely do we stop and try to see what effect our banal actions have on our surroundings. Leave alone the strangers, we do not even wait for a moment and think of what our words do to people who are close to us, who supposedly mean a lot to us. We just take things for granted. We act as if we are the only person in the world who feels things, who has emotions. (Atleast i tend to do that at times). And in turn we suffer because the people we love suffer! It just takes a moment to stop and look back at life or at the moments gone past. Take a second to tell the people you love, that you love them. Take a minute to look at how our actions are affecting the environment. How our daily routine cause a hurdle to others.. at times.. It may not seem like a big deal to us.. but it does affect them in a big way.

Secondly, About relationships. Both the things are connected. and this might be a corollary to the first realisation. Like the girl on the road didn't even realise that the boy had not followed her. Many times we fail to realise that some people have not folllowed us for a while, because we take them for granted, we take life for granted. Many times it is because of external un-avoidable reasons that the are not with us (here the factor was me). But many times it happnens that we fail to know that we are causing them pain. Many times we do not even realise when they've gone n came back. Cause we are too busy to see, to stop, to watch, to know and to understand..

It was so strange to watch both of them on the road. It was as if we three were the only people there. They were a girl and boy together and me- the catalyst who had a small part to play in their story. We all have a part in everyone's story. However negligible. Watching our actions is necessary.. Having consideration for others, for all the people who give us a part in their story on this earth. I feel bad that I did not wait for a moment and let the boy pass too.. Had i been vigilent, I would've seen him before i sped up. But i was in my own world, surrounded by my own worries.. So is everyone of us.. But we should try to be alert and make sure we are catalyst for more good things than bad in other people's life. I always did but now I'm going to try to strive more to not be a routine hurdle.. :) I hope the girl and boy are together now.. God Bless!

There is a plethora of thoughts, a sulprus of emotions. A few match a few do not. So many people, so many friends, so many relatives. Why does it become a pain in the wrong place when a few do not match? Why do people come close stay for a while when they are actually meant to go away. Why do we crave for the things which we were running away from, when its not there any more? Why is there the restlessness, when you understand you don't really want to possess it but you do want it? Why do you get attached? Why do people come in your life and then storm out of it as if nothing happened? Confusion prevail as always but so does clarity! Questions arise with answers, but no peace. Why do people change and why are emtions fickle. I shall change too, I do. I shall change now, they way i want and not the way time wants me to. I shall be constant, i shall strive hard. Indifference begs to crawl in, but it shall not be allowed in. This disturbed dawn shall remind me of it everytime. This lost friend will be back, from the ruins of my past and the threads of this disturbed dawn..

Red socks
Orange candy
Salty water from eyes
An old note passed in class
Insect-s on screen
White fluffly rabit like chappals
Ear phones
Long black hair
Maroon t-shirt
A long forgotten fragrance
Slides in parks
Late night calls
First kiss
Long holidays which end too soon ;)
6AM- getting ready for school
Itchy sand in shoes
A long lost friend
Box of souvenirs
French and Marathi songs
Mom's cuddling :)
Diwali morning
Fresh flowers
Home-baked cake!!
Long painted clean nails which stand the test of roughness
Christmas Carols
Rugby training
Sore muscles
Christmas eve
Deep dark eyes
Butterflies in stomach
Shendi ;)
Lover's warm pullover
First rain
Transparent basin
Red sand
Smell of new furniture and paint
Radium shapes
PIFF 2007
Planes and pilots
Daily horoscope- pune times
Pocket money
Broken hearts :(
Caramel pudding :D
Best friend-s
Pearls before Swine!! :D :D :D
Old monk
Harry potter
Classic milds
Table-tennis, Karate, Katthak
Caterpillars and butterflies
Long distances :(
Empty afternoon streets
Cycle rides and skinned sore knees
Cute strangers ;)
Stolen memories
Dressing up (!)
Staring at the ceiling
"Start" button
Baldness :D
Soft sweaters

Feeling like a puppet..
At the hands of the heart,
At the hands of all the people known, all the souls past..
Emotions which are either riding a roller-coaster or are playing deaf and dumb underwater..
With past memories floating through the ears and making their presence felt of the blank curtains of the eyes..
The heart churns out forgiveness but the defaulters couldn't care less..
All the color and light around helps not the darkness gulping the heart..
Faces dear yesterday blankly ignore your eye today..
Making them fill with tears and reminding you of all your fears..
Wishing for a saviour.. Waiting, hoping against hope..
Losing the challenge with life, who conspires with destiny,
Like a juvenile naive fool striding across all the known frontiers again and again..
Learning the lessons yet not learning from them..
Tears abound and yet eyes remain dry,
The soul cries out, helpless as always, but the ears are all deaf and dead..
No eyes can see the signs, no skin can feel the pain, No heart can sense the agony..
Other than the one that suffers..
Glassy, stoney, empty, hard and cold..
Reaching out doesn't help..
Hope plays the same role as ever- it lies, it fakes and it cons, it betrays and it weaves new dreams again..
It ensnares and it enchants.. and it captures the prey forever..
It makes you forgive, it makes you love, it makes you go back and it makes you bare all..
It makes you naked with all your masks down..
It helps you live the way you really are..
A puppet... At the hands of the things you really want..
A puppet at the hands of hope..
Is there a way out? Somewhere? A way out of hope??
It hurts..
-A puppet

The coldness of the rain water and the warmth of the sun..
The light and the dark, together they make beauty..
Un-expected, Un-timely rain..
Showers of hope intertwined with beauty and laced with fear of the unknown and unseen tomorrow..
Would it be soon as i feel it would?
The worse had arrived and it faded into the past..
The better is still un-arrived to pass..
Foggy silhouettes in the distant..
The rain and the sun make unknown love, un-experienced by any living being.. Showering all with their beauty.. Which they fail to appreciate.. fail to soak in, absorb..
Lost as always, yet knowingly this time.. The search never ends and so doesn't the journey..
Water and heat accompany me.. albeit at strange times and mostly never at the right one.. leading me to where I need to go..
Fear of the next moment and the wait for beauty persist.. Breaking free of the former i continue search for the later, waiting for the veil to be raised..
Waiting for the scare to be washed off, for the fear to be evaporated..
Would it happen soon? As this seemingly innocent phenomenon of the water and heat tells me it would..
They never spoke to me so positively..
However, this time, before opening their words, i knew what it is..
Hoping i'm correct this time too and so are they..
Hoping for the beauty of love and hoping for the fear to be destroyed.. Beauty Love Fear Hope.. or shall we go Hope Fear Love Beauty?? :-)

Struggling with a blunted twang from the past.. A wild bout of rain helped me squeeze into the present, with its shooting noisy rage and passion for meeting the earth. As if she found out he betrayed her and wants to make it up to her..
The cold freshness filled the air with feelings and emotions once long forgotten.. the sensations felt aeons ago in some other lifetime.. sounds and scenes unseen.. Yet the feelings linger.. What feelings are these, when were they felt, with whom and by whom?
The heavy drops of water make me light.. Make me nostalgic.. Take me away to a special place, somewhere long lost to the treacherous, bitter past.. Make me remember something long forgotten.. lost in the threads of time.. something beautiful and full of hurt.. yet i want to remember what it was.. what have i forgotten.. What had touched my heart so deeply and still i tore it away from me???
Why do i fail to remember? The sudden gush of cold wind.. The cool breeze caressing my open hair.. and my tired neck.. The sound of drops falling from leaves on the tin roof.. The chatter of friends, the music pumping from cell phones.. Everything reminds me of it.. But what is it, thats unknown.. All this has never happened before and yet it reminds me of something.. Which i treasured and held close to my heart, my each heartbeat reminds me of it thanks to this weather! Thanks to this time and this place and my being here..
I try to let go, but the feeling clings and it is so lovely.. I've forgotten it cause i wanted to.. I let it go and so I have it no more.. The unseen memory feels like heaven so what must the real thing have been?? Why did i lose it, and why can i not let go now.. Why do we remember things long forgotten, why do we rise the ghosts from their dusty graves and how can these rotten memories be so beautiful and how can this not hurt one bit? How can it soothe me and not make me restless? How can i be at peace in such a situation? How, What, When, Where and Who??

A fable set once upon a time long long back in the future..
She was a mixed fruit jam of tangled and sorted angles, whom everyone admired..
But no one could handle so many tastes in one go,
They all had stomach for only one kind of flavor and so everyone said that the one who will, will be the luckiest guy on earth..
Slowly each one of them got their own, but only after having their small share from her infinite basket of mixed fruits.. Since they didn't have the stomach but indeed had a lusty greedy tongue.
They all cuddled together living the lives of their ancestors,
Living their past every passing moment..
She thought it was nice initially but started realizing that the past isn't for her..
So she broke free from the warm cozy circle and rushed past all..
Passionate fire in heart, eyes lit in rapture, lips curved in luster, a shooting star from earth, zooming past her future.. A bright vision in the sky..
Where she shall shine forever- the apple of everyone's eye lost in the past..

We are celebrating Gauri-Ganapati in Maharashtra at this point of time. And while I was visiting my granny to invite her for the haldi-kumkum (wiki: Haldi Kumkum, or the Haldi Kumkum ceremony, is a social gathering in India in which married women exchange haldi (turmeric) and kumkum (vermilion powder), as a symbol of their married status and wishing for their husbands' long lives) which takes place at every house where gauri-puja is performed, I had a revelation, which is also a question to all these generations celebrating this festival and the rest.

Lets start with what is gauri puja?
A google search says: "Gauri Puja - worship of Gauri - begins on the 11th day of the bright half of the Hindu month of Ashadha (June-July). It is believed that Goddess Parvati got Lord Shiva as her husband after performing the ritual of this worship and they lived happily ever after.
In fact it is the combination of two festivals. Gouri-Ganesha Chathurthi. Mainly the ceremony of birth of Ganesha. The previous day will be celebrated as the Gouri pooja. She is the mother of Ganesha.
The bride worships the Goddess Gauri by performing Gauri Pooja. The Goddess Gauri is highly revered as it is believed that she is a manifestation of Shakti, the mother of the universe and the power and energy by which God creates, preserves and destroys the world. She symbolises motherhood, fertility and the victory of good over evil. "

After this pooja is performed, all the married women visit each other and exchange haldi-kumkum. So while discussing about the puja, we also talked about inviting an aunt who is a widow. Since the ceremony is only for married women whose husbands are still alive, in earlier times, including all the other atrocities against widows, they were not invited even to celebrate such festivals. But now since times have changed they too are happily welcomed to be a part of festivities.

Now my question is people since olden times believed that the soul is immortal. So even when a man dies his soul should be alive, is alive. The marriage is said to be for seven births or even more, for ever. So it means that once married, how does the birth or death of the body matter? Aren't the souls married? And if so why would any woman be a widow or a man a widower?
So why are the widows treated so, if their husbands are still alive and exist in the universe? And if not then why believe in the holy union of marriage? Why get married if we do not believe in what it has to say? Why do birth and death make us do away with our beliefs then?

I may be ignorant about the other facts of these things. My doubts may even be childish musings. But why does the society and religions contradict their own beliefs?

There is much more to this question and many doubts are still being formed, but I had to put this forth. All views are welcome.. Please put forth your perspectives!

These are the thoughts which come to my stomach when its on the way home from office in the evening.. It growls and pleads to no avail and then sends the demands to the empty brain.. and I can do nothing but write it out and imagine..
Shrikhandachya golya, Masaledar chicken or butter chicken, butter nan, pizza hut cha pizza, pasta, palak soup, bread pudding (good luck), fresh gulab jamun (Manju kaku), Custard pudding (Mom), Rice and chocolate pudding (Mcleodganj), egg biryani (P.D.), caramel pudding (Hotel Pride), Harabhara Kebab (New yorker's), Red wine- Chantilli Shiraz (11 East street cafe), Kanda bhaji (Sinhagad), Puran poli (Mom), Amti bhat, varan bhat tup loncha, tandoori chicken, paneer tikka, cherries, strawberries, gul poli (Samartha), fish fry surmai, corn in white sauce (Gautam mama), Cheese carrot balls (Sonal), bhel (Kalpana), pani puri, SPDP, Cheese chilli toast, Chakli (Sahil) dipped in tea, bread butter...

And the list goes on till the brain can bear no more.. and the stomach gives up, moaning under the weigth of imagination.. The brain takes on the task of writing so as to ignore the weak signals it keeps receiving.. Until the home turf is in view.. hehe.. ;-)

Minuscule drops of water visiting the earth, splatter on the glass of the bus window..
Small circles in the sky turn into lost lines on the glassy earth,
Creating a mesh of fresh cold liquid, making me see the world though a watery lens..
Drops of water sit on my woolen jacket and form a cozy round cocoon around themselves,
Looking like diamonds studded in an undiscovered coal mine, or a beautiful lady's long dark mane..
Shining brightly and making me smile..
Some fall of the glass and some on the jacket,
Each carrying its on place and its own wisdom with it, within :-)

I like it.. The morning blues.. When I get up and then feel like sleeping again in the comfort of my warm cozy bed. Body pleading to do so, eyes supporting it fully and yet I make it get on. Everytime I come out of the bath having ten minutes extra on hand. The limping walk down the road, hoping for the wound to heal faster. The kinda cute known stranger at the stop. The first awkward smile :-) (was weird. timing!!). The air making its presence felt on my face.. Hair dancing to its tune and eyes close to take it all into my being. "It takes me higher, makes me fly" (Lift- Poets of the fall). I feel no need to protect myself against it like the others do. The hair, the skin, the eyes, none of it.. The pollution finds it place in my hair, unseen yet very much there. Studded invisible gems which will be washed off one friday morning, and the new ones will have a fresh place come monday!

The mom, the dad, later the bosses and the employees.. everyone going about their daily chores.
The vibrations of the bus,
The window pane which slides of its own accord, responding to the brakes.
The occassional smile appearing on my face.. I like it all :-)
The flyovers and the breakfast joints.
The traffic signals and the wise driver-chacha..
The emptiness of the mind, anticipating what awaits it today..
Not in the least worried or bothered,
Living in the present- in the blowing hair and ticklish face, in the sound of the bus and the sight of the passing vehicles.. So many of them!
Anyone like me in there, out there?
Early morning blues?? I like blue.. :-)

Darkness changes all.. The skies, waters, trees, streets, houses, humans and souls..
It loans everyone a certain depth, an identity which they have given it for sake-keeping.. the true self they dare not open in the light.. Or is it something which is not their own but they wish it was and hence borrow it from the night? Darkness helps them get out of the farce.. Why is it that they are scared of their real self? Which lies hidden away from the light? Beneath so many masks? Darkness is the saviour, helping them out of their misery.. Helping them breathe easily with their own dear self. Darkness deepens all bonds- earthly and unearthly.. So is it this blackened darkness which is their true companion? who knows them through and through.. and who helps them be with themselves comfortably? Why can't they just let go and let the light and the dark be one? Why is this self-inflicted conflict in place? Why the two faces? How would it be to bring forth the face that darkness likes and light accepts it? How would we know unless we do it? And why be scared since everyone is in the same league.. Darkness has us all as mistresses and everyone romances it.. So let us now have light as our keep and let it romance us.. :-)
Darkness prevails to help the lost souls regain consciousness and lose it again to light the next morning..

Long journeys back home.. The bus trudges along every evening through the same smokey highways snaking through lost routes cradled in the lonely cloud-ridden mountains.. The sky full of dark clouds snatching away the sleep which nestled in the eyes and clogged the brain all day through. Haunting and times much craved nostalgia traps the heart in a steely grip and leaves it warmed up in the cold evening wind.. Flights to the past and lands unknown yet familiar.. Some familiar but so untrue, unreal, non-existent.. and some of lost loves and tortured happy memories..

The monsoon, the light drizzle, the soft sunlight when the skies open up after the rain's much awaited war, the intoxicating smell of the dry earth wetted by the wild un-fulfilled romance of the rain.

The city slowly looms into view and brings back the warm senses.. A startlingly welcome sight.
Big stone houses oldest and yet the strongest, carrying with them all the secrets of the long forgotten past, living it everyday and yet experiencing the present..
Standing proudly majestic.
New conceret complexes, menancing and yet spell binding..
Mid-time buildings hanging shabbily in between.. Silently refused recognition..

The noises of the city,
The sight of vehicles,
The presences of people.. all kinds of them..
The lights, some mourning an unpleasant loss or perhaps basking in the glow of love recently made, some dancing around in celebration or in an attempt to forget some painful ancient wound..
The smells.. and the tales..
All so unwanted once upon a time, now gladly welcomed as a part of the self.. all sucked in, in the empty heart..

I love the city at such times, the times of home-coming.. of drinking up the poisonous past and the times of being strong and of carrying on.. The times of losing myself to the city and letting it takes its toll on me..
I love the city at such times.. so discretely and serenly, magnificently and beautifully, cleanly and without much fuss..
Kills the human in me and makes me alive..
Brings me back to life..

Diary entry 4/7/08

Raining, Its lovely outside. Was about to go get some work done when plan got cancelled. Thats when the wind blew in showering drops of water inside through the window.. I change and sit at d window already relishing the ahunting beauty on monsoons, music playing from my broken "fly" phone, and the drizzle stops... vanishes completely to be replaced by dazzling monsoon sun.. Amazed at how i manage to relate and connect everything to love and relationships..
Like this drizzle made me think of the brief realtionships we have in life.. Infatuation, attraction, pseudo "love", which seem to last for a lifetime, we run for cover, cover ourselves or at times get ready to be totally drenched and the drizzle stops. As abruptly as it had started..Sometimes you can foresee but sometimes you are just defeated, like i feel now..
The clouds are clearing, the sun shines through more brightly... Its funny how the one single thing can be made to depict two totally opposite views. Like rain signifies sorrow but also life at times.. The sun signifies the coming of good times, warmth but also a lot of sun can be harsh and can mean destruction..
I hate being negative cause what I think might just happne. I can't be too hopeful cause the thing might not happen! Funny..But then rather be positive, hope, dream away and try making those dreams come true..

Evening 7:26
(original entry in French, so some feelings are lost in translation and might not have the desired impact)
I'm at NIBM. at some other place than the usual lawn. There is still some light, so night falls i'll go to the lawn. All alone.. The birds are making a lot of noise as usual.. hurrying to go home to their loved ones.. I love the sounds though it scares me at times.. Love the things which make me think of nothing.. I can just keep admiring them for what they are.. The night serenades me, cajoles me, little by little.. She keeps coming on accompanied by the moon.. the existence of one is not complete without the other.. I love the night and the moon.. She is always the same.. shall never change.. black, discrete, silent.. and the moon always alive, proud and smiling.. The night fills all the blank spaces of the world.. You see the spaces between trees, the buildings and even between people. The night fills all. But one thing it cannot fill with its darkness, the hearts.. The hearts which remain ever empty.. The lack of emotion, of love.. The biggest lacune of the world. I hope the night falls quickly now.. Even if it can't fill the hearts of people, even if I can't meet my love once again in this life.. I wish that night comes quickly. Hoping against all odds and nature that the night can fill the hearts of the world with all the love and care they desire n deserve.. One day maybe.. Till then let the night engulf me and let the black take me to my love..

There are times when there is so much burden on your heart, your mind, all your senses and your self which you can't carry even a centimeter furthur and all that you want to do is just let go and be stranded where you are, let d wind wash over you and wipe you away from the face of earth.. If you let go at that moment then you might not be able to get back and continue your journey again..
But then out of the purple you get this weird insane hope and strength and you do exactly the opposite and be firm, be strong and move millimeter by millimeter.. Once you put a leach around that self-inflicted hurdle of the uncontrolled desire, you can conquer any paramount..

The strong grip of emotions around your throat when letting go of someone who is a part of your being..
The feeling in your gut when you realise you let the opposition get past you and that they shall score only because of you..
The skipped heart beat when you just miss hitting the playing kid or the street-crossing granny..
The molten feeling in your stomach when you understand something you did in good faith went terrible wrong..
The silver beeds of sweat on your forehead when you've lived the worst nightmare you've ever had..
The smell of freshly baked cake by mom wafting in through the window of your rented room bringing with it the memories of your motherland, of your mom..

Moving on.. the most difficult of all the things to do.. Thats how people percieve it to be.. I'd beg to differ.. I used to believe that too, until I had a few of my eye-openers. It in fact isnt' all that difficult to move on. You shed a few tears on the thing which you lost, you open your eyes the next morning, you look at the sun shine down on you brightly bringing you a new gift wrapped in colorful butterflies and shinning rays and sparkling green dew drops.. You take a look at the gift and you think of the many possiblities of using this gift.. The gift of life, the new opportunity that you have. Which you wouldn't have had if you would still be holding on to the thing which flowed away with your tears, which you wiped off your eyes..
So moving on actually isn't that difficult. Learning to look at the positive side of the disaster might be, but it can be learnt. I guess as I did.. The very famous words stand tall and erect "When God closes a door, He open a window somewhere" Its upto us to make that window into a door. At the least you can use the window, else try find it, else atleast stop looking at the closed door! unless of course you want the window to be closed as well and let the darkness eat you up.. But that won't happen cause thats not what you are.. You do not give up, its not in the nature of any living being to give up! You have to move on and go on.. Cause that is what life means.. If you are alive you have to keep rolling.. Baby!! Go get it.. Move on.. Go on!! Breathe! Smile! Dance! Laugh! Run! Cry! Live. :-)

A Boon and a Bane, a Broken Cane, Shallow rain,
The excruciating Pain, all in Vain,
Nothing to Lose and much to Gain,
Again and again; My heart open is Lain,
All I feel is Insane,
Never was I a Plain Jane,
Played as I in d darkened Lane..
Watching through the light window Pane..
Waiting for my knight with a long Mane,
Would there be a day when I would be all Sane?
Or am I meant to be just this Insane Ane?

Friend Forever, Passionate Lover, Loving Mom, Doting Dad, Elder Sis, Honest Critic, Supporting Senior, Godly Mentor, Fun-loving Friend, Concerned Granny, Strict Granddad, Chilled out Aunt, Interested Uncle, Protective Bro, Helping Hands, Caring Hearts, Eyes Watching Out, Intense Relations, Delicate Threads, Fragile Emotions, Deep Bonds..
All of them are there, always there..
Yet the heart seeks something deeper, something unknown.. Is it there and still unseen? Do I have it and still knowingly or unknowingly I throw it away? Have I thrown it away? Heart wrenching thoughts come to haunt me again.. I don't understand the motive I had behind my own actions in the past..
How much ever I try to live in the present, I go back to the past.. Cause what I want is what I lost in the past.. My hands were full of it.. of the love, care, support, strength of the person who meant the world to me.. I threw away my world, wanting it to know of my need.. I threw it away without intending to do so. Even after hundreds of apologies to try and hold it up and safe, my world comes crashing down around me.. The world which anyone would lust for..
I could never dream of this day, not even think of it and it has arrived.. I've borne it from my own unsuspecting mouth and cruel, acid words.. it has taken roots and it continues its dead decayed dark journey with my being.. Haunting all my thoughts, reminding me of my deeds each passing moment, it doesn't reduce but increases with every regretful thought that blooms in my sick soul..
I continue to do so, unlearning from the past.. I cut away from people I want, in pursuit of wanting them to know my needs my desires, to be with them; I cut away..
I hurt them, I trod on their feelings, I shamelessly beg for their forgiveness..
I lay myself open before them.. yet again.. They've seen me without any of my rare masks..
They know the color of my soul, and they loved it, they wanted it.. they cared.. THEY CARED!
and yet I caused so much hurt that they have lost the ability to love it any more..
I try to give up and can't do that either.. Had never dreamt that a crack would grow this large that even my heart's cry won't reach out to her's..
What happens to all the promises and the confidence? Did I burn it all? Do I not get any consideration for the pain that I go through that they have not faced? And god forbid shall never have to face? Did I really cross the line? Do i always expect too much? Have I never given any consideration and then where do they disappear to when I do really need them and tell them so? Isn't a friend in need a friend indeed? Does this have conditions like if 7 out of 10 times the friend is there then he's eligible to be a true friend? if 5 out of 10 times he's there then he's eligible to be a good friend.. and so on? Is it so? Can i have an answer or can I have you back please? Do my tears mean nothing to you any more? I am sorry.. My soul-mate, my friend.. My best friend-since-school-days..

One fine evening,
I stand on the 9th balcony from the bottom..
Sipping on a cuppa granny's tea..
Wind blows through open morning-washed hair,
Caresses the sleep laden face..
I watch the children play in d blue pool, in water warmed by their own pee..
The kulfi-wala passes by, his patent bell ringing away, alluring kids to his pseudo sweetness..
Buses, rickshaws, bikes and cars hurry past, eager to reach somewhere, eager to get away from somewhere..
Only the sounds fall on my desperate ears..
and soothe me.. reassure me..
Birds twitter in the distance, welcoming a balmy evening,
a solace from the day's heat, heart broken due to the rain's fake promise,
hoping for a true one for tomorrow..
And suddenly a pigeon feather floats in front of me.. on the 9th balcony from the bottom..
I watch its lazy and at times agile course, frozen and stunned as I am.. for no reason..
a slow smile appears on my face..
I feel this pure and true feeling after ages.
Fail to remember the last time I felt my facial muscle do it so naturally, it relaxes me..
and I fail to understand yet again, why is that it has to be followed by the wetness that I feel in my eyes now?
The pool is empty now,
Tea still warm,
My head feels light,
I'm free.. and I feel like narrating it to you!

WIP (Work in process) and RIP (Rest in peace)
I shall always be a WIP, till I RIP.. If at all i do! But I doubt there will be peace with all those cogs working on me all the time, that even when the body shall become a mere lifeless shell, the work on the soul and its effects shall continue.
Or is it that they all work in peace? Maybe they do, but they leave me restless..
The seed shall always be a work in process and continue the journey from shell to shell,
at times remembering the previous work, at times have pseudo memory loss about the past processes..
The journey continues through life and through death.. never ending like a close loop which keeps changing..
Emancipation is life a distant dream,
The wanting for which is yet unknown..

Does wanting ever end? Wanting, craving, longing for all the "things".. They say when you stop wanting, you are satisfied, they say when you stop wanting things, you want emancipation.. But then isn't that a wanting too? So do we really stop wanting? And if we do, they why do we still stay alive? Isn't the search for all the answers about who am "I", what is the "I", a want in itself? The people give up the material or worldly things and desires, what do they do? Do they not want anything? Then why do the chant mantras, and why do they walk and talk and eat and sleep and breathe? They do want something.. If they say not wanting anything is the ultimate goal and satisfaction, and if they say that after you are satisfied, you will not want anymore, then are they not wanting the state of "not to want anything"? Then why do they still exist? shouldn't they be dead? Does the wanting really stop for anyone? and if it does then how and why?

(My sincere apologies to all those who can't make sense of this post, its in Marathi. there was no way of expressing all this in english).

Today morning I felt alive. I could connect to every person I saw on the road while riding my bike on the way to college. It takes me 15-20 mins to reach college, today was no different.. Except for a few things.. Aaj pratyekacha ek aunsh majhyat ani majha pratekat ahe asa mala vatat hota. I could literally feel myself in every being and a bit of every being in me.. Gadi varun jatana patkan aplya priyakaracha muka ghenari priyasi.. Aplya taklavar ugavlele thodese kes nirkhun baghnara ek tarun, ani tevdhyat signal sutato.. Reverse janara truck, tyatla na dislela driver, tya mule udnari dhool.. ek navin lagna jhalela jodpa. tichya chehrya varcha te lajra hasu ani tyachya dolyatli chamak. konachya tari lagnacha band, tya mule traslela pan tari tithech ubha rahaychi iccha aslela ek lahan mulga. mala cut marun kahitari pratikriya expect karnare don tarun. dokyavar panyachi ghagar gheun chukichya dishekade baghun, majhya gadi khali yeta-yeta vachleli ek bai. lal ribbons ni bandhlelya don venya ani galyat ek lal kapad odhani mhanun gheun baher khelayla nighaleli tarunpanchya umbarthyavar asleli ek mulgi. rastyajaval gaadi dhutlyamule saathlelya dabkyat dhumbnari dukrachi pille. gaadi valavtana jorat rasta cross karnarya duchaki valyala shivya ghalnara ek six seater wala. constipation jhalay ani toilet milat nai ase expression gheun bus chi vaat baghat ubha aslela ek tarun. ase kahi ani ase ajun kahi mala agdi aplese vatle.. manje apan ahot ase vatle. majha ek aunsh tya sarvan madhe ani tya pratyetkacha ek-ek aunsh majhya madhe.. te sarva purna ani mi, sampurna.. jivanta..

Why is the sky blue and the ocean too? Why is the sky black at night and at the dawn as well? Why do we fall in love to be happy even when we know it hurts like hell? Why is the rainbow so colorful but the rain so dark? Why do the moods swing so badly, n why doesn't the swing break then? Why do you desire for things and when you get them you want to lose them asap? Why do people stay when they have already walked away, and why do they come back when you feel they are not there any more? Why are there twisted tunnels which turn everywhere, small and big, dark and bright, but lead at the same place always? Why are they so many of them and so different too, with the same aim of crushing your heart and sucking up your love? Why can't you have everything and anything you want and keep everyone happy as well? Why do so many why's exists and at times there is not a single one? Why is why a question and why should it always have an answer if it should? Why do we don't accept things we know and which we know are right? Why don't others do the same? Why can't caterpillars fly? Why do they have to become a butterfly? Why is the why so helpful and many a times so painful? Why can't I remember all that I had on my mind to write here? Why do I get lost? Why do I find myself back after getting lost? Why are there blanks? Why do they get filled and then why do they become blank again? Why do I always have something more to say and yet can't find words? Why does the why exist? Why did they create it? Why Why Why?

You make me into a strand of slime, which sticks to a rock..
Though supposed to slip n slither, I hold on to you..
You shake me away, I'm your self-invited grit..
I see people smiling away, flowers in the gloom..
Why do they have a right to bloom,
when you crush my being?
You change like light on a shimmering drop,
and leave me astounded..
Dark n purple, a ghostly green, and a sickly yellow is what I feel,
The blue has moss all over it,
The colors no longer have the sheen..
Why did you give them to me, when you didn't want them seen?
My eyes search you..
My heart screeches your name..
With a hundred needles piercing my eyes and a thousand knives slashing through my heart,
The red flowing away reflects you face,
I drink it in eagerly, not wanting to miss out in even a sec of even the your illusion of your presence..
You carelessly walk away, soaked in my blood,
You indifferently wipe it off with that innocent smile..
I smile down to the bottom of your heart banging with a dull thud, and you ruthless trod all over me..
unhearing. unseeing. unfeeling.
Were you always this or is this an illusion too?
My being refuses to believe this self of yous- so untrue, so fake.. such lies.. or is it the real you?
My ray of hope, my sun, my love, break through the barriers and come to me..
I shall help you find the light, I'll help you see through..
Come out of your hiding beind the clouds of doubt,
Let me in.. let me through..
Hold my hand and bring the rainbow in..
Burst through the slime!
Crush the rust!
Slash away the slithering shadows of lies!
Bring in the light!
Come, be mine.
Make me yours..

The sun shines on my skin today,
with a different light in his eyes..
Meant to burn as he is, yet he soothes and heals me today..
Smiling knowingly, he enjoys my confusion at his exhibition of love.
He sows seeds of magenta deep in my heart,
He sprinkles Pink, jade, rust, amethyst, mustard and maroon, beige, grey, azure, white coral, brown, ochre, navy blue, chrome, plum and olive, sliver, aquamarine and lime green, on my being..
Presents me the colors which the rainbow is depreived of,
which he reserved only for me..
The he takes shelter from the clouds and covers himself,
playing hide and seek with my longing.
A deep black is what i love and so unwillingly he gives it to me..
My sun showers me with the cool black but he can't hold back!
He sparkles gold through the soft stark velvety darkness, just to see the smile on my face,
which he planted the moment I felt his presence in my being..
The smile which stays forever..
His presence blows me apart and yet he delicately cuddles me in..
He enters me and all the colors explode and swim around us,
twinkling exhilirated at the happening of and extraodinarily ordinary love..

A time comes when everything seems to be perfectly alright. Everything falls in place, work, love, family, friends, the self too. But then as said before what is life if its perfect and so without any reason, this feeling comes to haunt you. A feeling of moss covered nostalgia, dark despair, piercing loneliness, and screaming frustration which wrecks havoc on each and every inch of you, inside and outside.
No amount of will power to stay calm and composed can't help you stop drifting away from your aim and jumping to conclusion or exaggerating trivial issue.. The insides were sreaming in protest and the outside world was facing the consequences of the self made hurricane.. you try to vent it out, but its as sticky as cotton wool on hands coated with glue, can't shake it off so easily.. The feeling has to stay cause it has to disrupt the illusion of a perfect life that you are going through. The more you try to push it aside, take it out, throw it away, the more it clings on to you, it becomes a parasite. Sucking away at the all the rotten things you feel and at those which it injects into you.. It becomes a vicious cycle and it goes on burning every trace of perfection.. This twisted weirdness knows not where to stop and hence you are the one who has to get a grip and wash it all away. It takes a few seconds at times and at times it stays on for long.. But mostly if ebbs away once its aim is fulfilled and it won't do much harm unless you let it carry on.. Once you manage to convince it that the damage it has caused is enough for life to go on, then you can safely assume that this twisted weirdness will sit back and you get to work like its slave, to keep it happy with a few imperfections here and a few there, so that it doesn't attack you again.
Though at times you get carried away with your perfections and this little weirdness has no option than to hit you back to your senses again.. All it does is try to keep you in the race, to keep you alive.. And here I go blaming it for my mood swings and all the bad things! So next time you are low think bout this twisted weirdness and thank it for the fortune it has in store for you!

What is it that I need and what is it that I ask for? What do all these questions mean? And do the answers even exist? I'm so bored and tired of the same cycle again and again! Doesn't everyone deserve a change? Doesn't everyone want a change? and then why don't they change? Don't people get bored of pretending and lying and why don't they change then? If change is not constant would it not become stagnant? But if change doesn't change, it would be the same change! But if change changes it would change to the opposite that is not same as change!! So should it or should it not change?

Oh how happy and relieved these few lines make me! I've finally been able to put my views about change in a much resolved manner than how they were in my brain.. Though theres lots more to it.. This much is enough for the time being. Wonder if anyone could enlighten me a bit more about what I have just puked on these virtual pages! I know its a pretty dark shade, but its very colorful too if you know how to see! ;-) or shall I say if you can see my way, where I'm pointing towards.. cheers!!

A friend termed it as a piece of philosophy. All of us sometime or the other in our lives go through, are worried about, enjoy, hate being in, stay away, want to have etc. relationships.. so here it is.. A small pinch of philosophy for everyone to ruminate on..
Tackling a huge load of some very light cloth, to be wrapped on the college railings, a friend trying to help me with no good luck, I suddenly face a tangle of the cloth..
The cloth itself being around 50 metres in length, one can imagine the depth of the tangle..
I struggle with the knots.. The friends suggests "cut it off" I stop her harshly and continue my stuggle single handedly with the long cloth..
Just when the friend is losing her patience, for no good reason, in a flash the knots untangle and the cloth is free of all complications.. and I continue my work with ease and harmony with the cloth..
"The same thing happens with relationships, we think they won't work any more and we try to shake them off, cut them away, crush them.. But then later on after having lost everything dear to us, we realise that if only we had held on for some more and tried a bit more, everything would be fine and they would live in harmony..."

Black is the core of the ocean blue,
Black is spread out above us in the sky so clear,
It has no lover and no brother..
Black is the color I wear,
Black is the color I see,
Black is the color of my thoughts and black is me..
It is the one and only leveler, black is life and black is death..
Black is my heart and black is the love that is has for you..
Black is god n black is the devil,
Black is sorrow and black is the joy that rips my heart and I can't contain any more,
The black spills out and spreads all around,
Dances in and out and takes me for a round..
Black is the air that I breathe and black is the universe that revolves around me!
And if you could find me a color deeper than this then that would be Me!!

-Prachi J.

Hurt.. Hurt? How does it feel? Like pinpricks in your eye, or a hammer on your chest, acid in your throat? A clogged vein or a blocked brain, needles in your heart, when you really need to but can't fart? a broken glass in the underside of your foot, water in your nostrils and yet you try to breath..? Gulping crushed glass, sitting on rusted nails, insect in the eye.. Getting your limbs amputated by a saw.. Breaking your head on the cold cruel ice.. Bleeding yourself to death.. Cutting parts of yourself and throwing the pieces for the fish to have for dinner... What does hurt feel like? Is it all this? Or is it simply when some one says good bye?