The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

It happens that the thing that you have desired for a long time and tried very had to obtain, doesn't seems all that interesting once you have it all for yourself. Why is it that we always strive to get things that are painfully out of reach and when we reach them their importance is nearly always lost? Is it the effort that we put in or is it that too much time is lost running behind them that finally it doesn't matter any more? or is it that we weren't ever supposed to have them and thats what eventually happens- we let them go.. So why can't we know beforehand what we are supposed to have or for that matter what we want to have!! But then if we knew what we want or what we are going to have what is the point of this huge circus called life?? Won't it all be in vain without the mystery and surprise element? Yes indeed. Both CP and BP seem to agree on this matter so I'm content as, for the time being, no bloodshed is predicted in near future. So just stand back and watch life unfold its wonderful mysteries.. and who knows maybe what you get knowingly or unknowingly is what you always wanted and needed, just realized when you actually got it!! If not doesn't matter anyway :-)

Tension-Sleep-Eat-and more tension!! Thats what happens when you have less than 30 days in hand and with 365 days' worth work to complete!! :-( so basically you just let yourself get torn between a sense of utter hopelessness and a strong will-power coupled with perseverance and watch the effects which include bearing (people and me alike) unabashed irritation, extreme frustration, exceptional restlessness. Its doesn't help feeling that a savage bout of cough is on its way piercing through the throat, which has nothing to do with the cold weather (which has miraculously disappeared) but more to do with the psychological state of imperishable tension and stress from doing nothing. On the brighter side you just feel like giving everything up! :-) A little comfort comes from knowing that my tutor is still going to find time to help me catch up with the whole year's portion.

The realization that this world and everything in it is just an illusion keeps striking every now and then but you still have to gone on with the mundane life as someone up there wants you to believe in these illusions. So hoping to end the vicious cycle as soon as possible, I end it in the post for the time being.. ;-) let the tension not dampen our spirit, lets dampen the tension with spirits! Cheers!

SPEED!! One of the many things which make me feel alive all over again! However I have to suppress the urge to put my dear vehicle through its paces taking into account the love of Pune’s Drivers for disobeying traffic rules, as one of them might just come under the wheel of my bike. However, not wanting to hurt my commuting companion, I stop short of bringing my unrelenting desire of banging into these rule-breaking dimwitted imbeciles who baffle me by their mysterious lack of knowledge about the fact that these rules are made for their own safety, into action!!

Then there are some of the chauvinist rule-breakers who think that a woman can never triumph against them in any domain. I derive such immense pleasure and satisfaction when they are shown the exit door by a female, and that female being me by overtaking him and keeping him at bay not by speed alone but simple judgment and logic. I bask in the glory of my achievement of showing the man his place and enjoy the frustrated look on his face at the defeat which he so rightly deserves!

Why can’t these people understand that the right lane is for vehicles which drive at a fast speed and if by mistake or sheer stupidity they are in the wrong lane then they should suffer the consequences without creating a scene! And that the indicators are made for the purpose of indicating, so they should be used AND well before turning!

Though this is my daily experience of riding on Pune’s roads, the pleasures of riding my bike can never be snatched from me. A ride, be it short or long and through how much ever traffic and pollution, bring me back to life! And when you have an understanding and caring bike like mine nothing can stop you!!

BP: Wanna ride?

CP: Where’s your helmet?

Finally yesterday it happened. The thing I've been trying to put off for as long as possible. The initial stage of the shifting started.

It is the initial stage of nostalgia as well as there is a lot of bustling going on so don't exactly have time to stand and think. However the feeling of leaving a part of you back forever is stubbornly there. All dad's certificates are brought down leaving that wall bare. It seems to be pleading to have its jewels back, which it had adorned for more than 30 years.

The books came out first- Dad’s and mine. Some of them ignored in their shelves for years, preserved in the hope that they would be useful some time or to some one, but lay forgotten. My mark sheets from first standard, the first ever picture dictionary, the doctor set et cetera. This phenomenon is absolutely unexpected from me (courtesy BP). Of course thanks to CP I do guard the souvenirs with as much ardor as a hen guards her eggs or a mother her child. I cleared one shelf and the books summed up to be around 20-30 kgs!! The huge mountaineering bag which I carried for my trek is packed air-tight with my treasures.

The place which has seen my journey since the time I was brought from the hospital when I came into being, till now, which has been my home ever since, is going to be demolished. The trees which are my like grand-dad’s offsprings are going to be murdered ruthlessly. I catch him trying hard to save them by giving them away to people who he thinks will take good care of them. Reminds me of all the times when I shared my grief as well as joy with them when I could not trust humans to understand me. They gave me so much solace and peace, all that I needed. I can turn to them any time I wish to ruminate over anything and they are the perfect company. I hate to think how this place will be when the concrete monster, which I will have to call home, will stand in its monstrous victory on the graves of my grandad’s n my precious, beloved and most trusted friends. His dearest dream, his haven which he brought to life is going to cease to exist.

Nearly everyone is happy to be leaving thanks to certain prolonged disagreements which were already in an explosive state (or shall I say exploded every now and then at the slightest provocation) are now taking on an ugly demeanor. So taking into account everyone’s (primarily the elder ones’) interest this decision has been taken- to annihilate their dream so as to help them survive the rest of the life peacefully.

At a loss of words (This being the embryonic stage), I shall let the nostalgia blossom fully.

CP: *sigh*

BP: same pinch

A lazy Sunday afternoon. After suppressing the many urges and giving myself definite reasons for not writing a blog, conveniently ignoring the huge mountain of pending important work, here I set off creating one. God alone knows why!

Beginning the blog with the usual state of confusion. Thoughts wrecking havoc, in the teeny weeny space provided by the almighty in a box situated on my spinal cord, threatening to burst out of the already minute sphere of Grey matter.

The fear of not completing college work in time and, god forbid, getting it all wrong is, not so secretly, nagging me every minute now. Instead of getting these things, of mere material importance, in place, the Barbaric Part of my mind incessantly tries to wander away from the clutches of her Civilized counterpart. Finally the latter gave up and the former happily bounds away to explore the alien aspect of herself and of her humanized partner.

The concern of today's state of confusion is the choice of a means for earning my bread and butter. It is the concern of the Civilized part (should we call her CP for convenience purposes) so the Barbaric part (BP) has to, however unwillingly, take off some time from her routine productive wanderings to help CP. The process just having begun will definitely take a few days for both of them to agree on one option (which in itself is a herculean task). So I let them both free in the arena to discuss (if that possible without much bloodshed) their points of view.

Having temporarily resolved the problem of choice, I turn to another important aspect of my existence. I believe that I have been sent of this earth for serving my taste buds as against Socrates’s belief. So today being my dear Ganeshji’s birthday, mom having gone to the nearby temple for celebration, I not wanting to join in (supposedly studying at home) was left to my own devices to find or create the booty to do my job on earth for the afternoon.

Mission- Satisfy taste buds.

Method- First attempt at “Sabudana Khichadi”.

Weapons- Already soaked “Sabudana” and crude, self-developed culinary skills

Status- Successful

Mood- Content

BP does not seem to very much enjoy the encounter with CP on the (unnecessary for her) delicate issue so she continues to wander and wonder. Thinking of how people will react to whatever I’m writing and if they would bother and why on earth would they and do they have anything else to do and why don’t I get to have a dog and why the hell do we have to worry about what people say and if I don’t complete my college work on time how will CP react, actually that does not concern BP in any way but she still does care for CP, they both being inseparable (courtesy: God and in a way me).

I guess this much is enough for the first post, CP and BP are too busy to give an opinion so I end it here, besides its not running away anywhere. hehe.. The results of the incomplete arena might be put up when BP decides or is forced back, by either CP or me, to finish off the discussion in the most calm way possible.

BP: Can we just stay put and be fed whatever comes our way? Or keep running behind clouds, capture them and make them into whichever shape we want???

CP: Forever?