The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

A few more blank spaces..
I filled some and they created some more..
Beweildered I look back on the moments flown past,
But lost as always I found nothing unusual in those irregularities..
Haplessly I trudge along,
Pushing and panting, searching for a way,
On the path of smooth and shiny uneveness.
Nothing seems to bother the hurricane in my brain..
He lives on all emancipating silent strength,
All through the turmoil, he has to bear all my efforts to satiate him, to calm him,
But he doesn't budge a bit!
He carries on stubborn and unrelenting..
Confounding me with a power heitherto unexperienced..
Bringing to me a light unbearlably unseen..
I bow my head in gratification with a degree of defeat,
I needlessly entrust him with the right to command my soul,
I confer upon him the title of my Master.
And then he creates yet some more blanks spaces,
For me to fill, along with him..
Another master and a new love..
And a few more blank spaces..

- Prachi J.

Three months and 14 days! Phew!! Not quite a long chunk of time and yet it seems like ages! May be this quality of time of seeming to be more in quantity than it actually is, is owing to the quality of time that we have spent. Ahh confusing isn't it? Lets see. Since July there has been so much happening that I haven't come to know how these three months have flown by. Thanks to the post graduation schedule.. They have been a good three months of 70% pseudo hard work and a 30 of genuine. Though the pseudo took up much of the time and energy so it will be unfair to call it pseudo! :-) :-)Looking back on the self that I was when I wrote the last post, I seem to have come a quite long way. It seems pretty far in the past but its unlike the past which gives you the feeling of just having stepped into the past. Letting go has become a habit and yet there is not getting used to it. How much ever you try you cannot shake of things people and feelings that you get used to liking and having around you.. So letting go is indeen a herculean task be it for any living or dead thing having a connection with you. Yet it seems as if I've managed to surmount this difficult task which is as vital as emptying you bowels, and make it as easy a chore as brushing your teeth.. After all you do empty your heart when you let go, and it is NOT as easy as emptying you bowels, on the contrary its more like you heart is constipated. Constipation hurts a lot is not good and neither is it good if your heart goes through desentry! Mine seems to be the latter.

So yes that means that I've been able to let go, perphaps I should thank the gruelling schedule of my new abode of knowledge and the specific teacher who has made the schedule that way, I wonder if even in his wildest dreams had he dreamt that his idea would help a student of him in this way.. ;-) I also wonder if it shall be possible for my little brain to take any more academic torture due to the acts of the same professor..

A little help in the form of moral support could do the trick. Its safe to say that some things in the past, experiences undergone have made me bias about the relation I share with person from whom the “moral support” comes. It would be wise to be honest and accept that no experiences, people and things bear any relation with the bias I hold about having the moral support from a certain specific person who has a different place in my life. That space which needs to be filled, which I try to fill forcefully at times, that I’ve tried to fill every time life presented me with a new option, or I thought it was an option. I still continue to think that every new factor that enters the machine of my life is the nut which can fill in the blank space.. That one blank space. An life would be complete. But what would be the meaning of life if it would be completed, wouldn’t it mean the end? Life is still alive because it is incomplete; it is death which is completion, of anything or any being. For anything to be perfect, all ingredients have to be there in the right amount, imperfection is one of the very important ingredients, and so what is perfection without a dash of imperfection? So let us enjoy the incompleteness and imperfection.. The blank spaces.. :-) Cheers!

"If life is fair to everyone every time, it shall cease to exist"

"Life is all a long dream, death is but the awakening"

- Prachi J

(The second one might have been discovered before by someone else, it just struck me in class one day so put it here. The first one is entirely my creation)

Would the crystalline blue, falling out of the heavens, prick me in the eye, pierce me with agony and wash me out of existence?
Would it bless my soul with peace and serenity?

Would the ever green shade shelter me again?
Would it feed me to the famished creatures of my fears this time?

Would the red liquid rushing from the excruciating wounds behave itself later, if now I swallow it?
Would it cease to exist if I hold on? Would it thrive if I let go?

A blinding short-lived light of insane hope awakens me for an unfortunate instance, tricks me in believing my wishes would come true,
My wishes would defeat my dreams.
My infinite dreams made of nightmares whose jagged unmerciful claws still clutch me close to their wicked cold empty heart, present me to the ghosts of a dead past worth decay.

Burnt by the heat of love, stabbed by the ogle of lust, crushed beneath the saddle of ignorance..

Would it be like my wishes later, if I let the demons decide the fate of my vulnerable soul for now?
Should I let them be my masters? The ruse of humanity, the farces of friendship and the masquerade of love..

Would it be like I want it to be, if I do what they ask me to?
Would it be?

- Super Bitch.

It feels a bit incomplete but everything went blank after this. Its as lost and confused as me! So voila!

Your memories are the lump of hot molten iron in my throat..
They push down and the iron melts more, dropping down,
Cutting through my chest,
Churning and Gashing in my stomach ..
They churn and crush, they slash and gnash my whole being by an intoxicating radiance..
Till I can stand no more, till i succumb to the overpowering refulgence, till I throw up the colorful brightness..
The torturing cruelly agonizing memories come pouring out bidding adieu..
Yet another roller coaster of emotions sets out on a bitter-sweet ride re-visiting the agonies and ecstasies of the foregone..
That molten iron part of yours belongs to me..
Frozen in the moments gone by..
Held there by thin yet strong strands of my love..
When all the dreams were happy and seemed to come true all because of you!
I stretch my hand out unwilling to let go..
Feel your memories caress and console me helping me regain my peace..
Laying motionless then I hold on tight as they hug me back, proving their actuality
At least they shall stay, being a part of my existence.. Clinging.. Forever..
At least they shall stay.. If not you..
- The Unstable Atom

BP- You rock baby!
CP- Totally...

Today the sky chose to wear the colors of my mood or shall I say moods! The deep grayish blue mass was swallowing the sky and a rainbow broke and sprinkled itself through the robes of the heavens as widely as possible :-) Not so clear but then no artificial eye can capture the beauty of nature as the nature's gifted eye can!! So cheers!!

FINALLY!!!!!!!!! My most beloved rain has not been able to hold back and poured all over me yesterday!! The whole day clouds kept giving signs of my beloved's arrival, I was satisfied with the signs alone but there was indeed a secret nagging which kept me vigilant, looking out of the window, my ears sharp for any sound of a drop, nose alert for any smell of the cherished darling meeting his (the Earth).. Nothing happened all the day through which did nothing to dampen my spirits though, as I said I was happy with the signs alone. Yesterday was the day of football test (It consists of dribbling, juggling, shooting, some other skills, rugby and fitness tests). I was on ground early for it was not possible to stay at home when the indications were so strong. There they were the clouds.. Full and round, Black and beastly promising to engulf the whole of Earth, She seemed to be trembling with the promise. Awaiting just like me for our Precious. ;-) The smile on my face which occasionally spurted out as a laugh could not be wiped out by anything under the sky.
As I continued practicing my juggling, (test had to start yet as many players were on their way and yet to reach) I could feel the breeze growing colder, turning into wind and picking up dust on its way to nowhere.. Then there was the first drop, as minute as it could get on the wrist of my right hand.. As if wanting to lead me to my love. I was exhilarated, but i stayed I knew he would come for me.. And he didn't make me wait long.. Soon the wind blowed himself out and there His Majesty graciously arrived flanked by intoxicating lightening and daunting thunder.. The Earth raised to greet him. Took him in her earthly arms.. I could just watch and be astounded by what I was feeling.. Then came the love-making, which swept me off my feet (well literally*). After 365 days of wait, The two lovers could try but not hide their pure anguish of being away from each other, the wild desperation, the untainted excitement fused with absolute delirious delight and simple happiness.. It was an exuberant welcome.. The Earth didn't know where to put him and what to do, all she could do was to ask the wind to come back and hide them from the envious evil eye of the world. And so did the wind oblige.. He raised a ghastly alarm. He blew hard , He blew bad, He blew fiercely, He blew with all his strength and He blew all of us away..
*Literally, all the players on the ground were being blown away. The kids had to be brought to the shelter. Some of the stray footballs blew away and as I tried to retrieve them I was nearly thrown on the ground by managed to stay on my feet with the support of a tree which looked as if it would give away any moment and take me with it.. So then we waited for a while and let the wind continue its job and He was doing well, we could see nothing of the love-making of the two lovelorn lovers.. The whiteness on the ground, like mist, was unimaginable and I was experiencing this for the first time.. I could feel the Earth shudder as she was nearing the climax and so was the cataract.. We were being splashed with the showers even in the shelter. Then both the lovers gave in and the rain subsided a bit.. La terre calmed down a bit too.. They then glowed in the aftermath, they cuddled and whispered and talked of their long days apart.. The rain told the earth of how she had deteriorated in her health but yet her beauty was surreal. The earth complained of the his late arrival and the pains of her wait.. He consoled her that this time he would stay and hoped that the humans would be clever enough to make the arrangements for him to stay for the period of time that he should for their own good. They contemplated global warming which is a nagging nightmare for both.. They both pondered awhile and then let it go wanting to live in d moment lost in each other's arms..
The rain ebbed a bit and that was our cue! Bang we were on d ground geared with a rugby ball and all set.. Then came the real fun.. The Romeo n Juliet had left a pool of water more than ankle-deep. The whole football field is now converted into a mini lake! So there we were splashing away and enjoying ourself.. The game (four against four) was full of lovely tackles, according to sir, and lots of tries and many bruises which were felt later in the night.. After an hour of mud fighting we all were exhausted with what all the laughing and finding gaps and scoring.. In someone's devilish mind was a plan of pile ons!! I was the first target.. Was brought down on my back with all the 8-9 others on me strangling me with the muddy water into my ears and mouth!! It was great fun however ;-) I admit. Then came two more pile ons and we were totally completely done for the day! It was one of the best evenings in my life, another additions to the moments and days which will be guarded close to my heart and which shall always be cherish..
Even the two hours long journey back home, which usually take 15 minutes on my bike, owing to a traffic jam could not dither my élan! :-) Later I found out it was due to the offerings that the Earth made in honor of her beloved.. The sacrifices that She made on His arrival.. Trees were uprooted and Huge branched were snapped off.. This was a spectacle of love.. The earth blossoms again as an aftermath sprinkled with beautiful colors.. May their love bring the most ravishing and pulchritudinous fruit that man has ever witnessed! Bless them both..
HAPPY MONSOON now and always!! :-)

Broken. Bleeding. Beaten. Waiting to be buried at the hands of love.. Knowing full well that this last wish will not be granted, the small splintered heart shall always be waiting, looking out from its bed of bloody fragments, though the rest will move on.. It shall always throb with your love like the pulse in your neck on the emerald grass.. It shall go on knowing that, though you are not around, you walk the same earth as its feet, you breathe the same oxygen air as its nose, you have the same sky for your shelter as its head does, you drink water from the same waters as its mouth does. Loving itself for you have touched it. Conquered it. and you shall always stay in it, which is rightfully your home. I shall suffer more than ever, I'm aware of that fact but I shall wait.. Like never before.. For you..

CP- Oh my thats some story!! Great love and all that.
BP- Sob Sob.
CP- Ha ha. Ya right BP!!
BP- *grin*
CP- Thank god for a moment I thought you actually thought it to be true AND felt something!
BP- Now accept that I can act! I rock man!

What does one do when all the emotions come together have wreck havoc on you senses? Rather only one feeling wages a war against all the rest and still persists? Leaving the brain as well as the heart incapable of pursuing anything other than experiencing the feeling. When you are completely unable to define it and yet know its color taste and feel so well as if it has been with you every moment of you life.. When you try to get rid of it, it clings on. If you let go, it still holds on and when you accept it, it still stays there throbbing with life more lively and joyous than ever! If the feeling is so joyous why doesn't always bring joy to the person to whom it belongs? Why, when the sentiment in itself is so pure and radiates life, are there patches of time when the emotion at its high brings a wave of sadness with a ting of foreboding? Is it just to make one realize that this happiness may not stay forever? or to make one realize the worth and importance of being able to feel such a thing? Should these doubts be left untouched? Will the search for a solution soil its purity? One should just carry on and feel it to the fullest. Doubts may not make it weaker cause maybe these questions too are the children of the feeling itself..

YIPPEE!! Exam's over! Thats what you would get to hear nearly every half hour if you are around me since yesterday. Yes the much awaited day has finally done the favor of arriving! The end of the war can be termed as happy for the simple reason that its an end. With many of the poor grey cells slaughtered, the remaining ones which were prepared to fight still not able to digest the shock of start of the battle and under the impression that its still going on continue to mar my dreamland with various confused answers of different subjects making me wake up sweating and close to screaming only to the realization that its nothing but illusions of my poor tired, beaten and helpless brain cells. My hand that instinctively reaches out for d book shelf and again I realize that something is wrong as its not the right place for my hand to go as the exam has just finished!!

So after having dealt with the scary illusions and involuntary movements of hand, I try to think of the many things which I'm at a complete liberty to indulge in (that is without the feeling of guilt which otherwise is continuously hammering at my soul). Suddenly, however, I feel lost as my mind goes blank (more than usual, that is) for not having anything concrete at hand and again I go to the book shelf, this time voluntarily, to get out the old n dog eared notebooks which have still been preserved since 7-8 years, having a few of my creations itched on them in ink. Going through the much worn off papyrus made the treasured memories which had been safely tucked in the safety vault gush out, like water does when the earth is struck at the precise point beneath which the treasure lies.

CP and BP both seem to agree that a few of my childish creations deserve a place on the blog. I'm still debating with them but I don't think my side stands much chance in front of them and some other people who have made similar demands.

So starting with re-writing my poems on fresh pages I have entered into the much desired state of doing what I want, WITHOUT being taunted and questioned, that is! :-)

BP- Chase them off!
CP- I'm thinking bald!
BP- I'm thinking blue..
CP- Today is special!
BP- Cheers! (I get the last word)

(Ya, its one of the precious few days when both seem to agree on the same thing)

Mystic, Royal, Mysterious, Charming, Ferocious, Skillful, Elegant are a few of the attributes that CP thinks of.
Cuddly, Adorable, Appealing, Beautiful are the many Adjective BP could think of..

I say- save the wonderful being and the likes which are on the verge of extinction. Restrict your monstrous and inhuman desire of adorning such useless items for which these astounding creatures of the divine are murdered! Have shame. Help save the tiger and the rest and so yourself..

(Images Courtesy- Internet. Photographers- unknown)

"I'm tired! I'm tired!" BP protests as usual trying to wriggle her way out of the pending load of studies..

One month back where was I?? Now where am I? Same place only the surroundings have changed slightly.. The big day 29th Feb came and went by.. Well it was not all that simple!! I would have to spend hours and hours to describe how and what it was, which is what I prefer to keep myself from indulging into-currently. :-) In short 2days continuous parting. Wrecking havoc on the neighbours' sleep.. The first party was planned and I knew of and the second was what you call a real surprise and something that I always wanted- see all my closest pals together! Thanks to elder sis it came true on my 5th (ahem!) 20th Birthday!! You can imagine my state of utter shock and unexplainable surprise on seeing all the people close to my heart gathered at one place and giving me birthday bums.. Mind you, being lifted in air 20 times is not a joke!! and that too with the surprise still not sinking in!! :-) I fail to understand the inability to express myself on such a great event that took place and which has made its top most place in the dearest memories I shall treasure and carry till my grave.. However I am so glad to be 5!
Some more will come up in the next posts about the reflections upon all these 20 years (if at all i ever reflect)..

Time now for some more cribbing bout the upcoming exams! Vivas have been fought with.. With the brain going blank and voice box stubbornly refusing to work right in front of the examiners who declare that I haven't prepared at all! Now I try to get into my books and wring my brains while things I read just 5-6 hours back just ooze out from god alone knows where.. So a tough battle is being fought, which only makes me wonder how the final battle would be and how many of my grey cells will be sacrificed.. So till another month I sign off. The victory shall be put up whenever it comes by! Until then keep happy (cough) smiling (cough cough) and never give up!! (choke!)

It happens that the thing that you have desired for a long time and tried very had to obtain, doesn't seems all that interesting once you have it all for yourself. Why is it that we always strive to get things that are painfully out of reach and when we reach them their importance is nearly always lost? Is it the effort that we put in or is it that too much time is lost running behind them that finally it doesn't matter any more? or is it that we weren't ever supposed to have them and thats what eventually happens- we let them go.. So why can't we know beforehand what we are supposed to have or for that matter what we want to have!! But then if we knew what we want or what we are going to have what is the point of this huge circus called life?? Won't it all be in vain without the mystery and surprise element? Yes indeed. Both CP and BP seem to agree on this matter so I'm content as, for the time being, no bloodshed is predicted in near future. So just stand back and watch life unfold its wonderful mysteries.. and who knows maybe what you get knowingly or unknowingly is what you always wanted and needed, just realized when you actually got it!! If not doesn't matter anyway :-)

Tension-Sleep-Eat-and more tension!! Thats what happens when you have less than 30 days in hand and with 365 days' worth work to complete!! :-( so basically you just let yourself get torn between a sense of utter hopelessness and a strong will-power coupled with perseverance and watch the effects which include bearing (people and me alike) unabashed irritation, extreme frustration, exceptional restlessness. Its doesn't help feeling that a savage bout of cough is on its way piercing through the throat, which has nothing to do with the cold weather (which has miraculously disappeared) but more to do with the psychological state of imperishable tension and stress from doing nothing. On the brighter side you just feel like giving everything up! :-) A little comfort comes from knowing that my tutor is still going to find time to help me catch up with the whole year's portion.

The realization that this world and everything in it is just an illusion keeps striking every now and then but you still have to gone on with the mundane life as someone up there wants you to believe in these illusions. So hoping to end the vicious cycle as soon as possible, I end it in the post for the time being.. ;-) let the tension not dampen our spirit, lets dampen the tension with spirits! Cheers!

SPEED!! One of the many things which make me feel alive all over again! However I have to suppress the urge to put my dear vehicle through its paces taking into account the love of Pune’s Drivers for disobeying traffic rules, as one of them might just come under the wheel of my bike. However, not wanting to hurt my commuting companion, I stop short of bringing my unrelenting desire of banging into these rule-breaking dimwitted imbeciles who baffle me by their mysterious lack of knowledge about the fact that these rules are made for their own safety, into action!!

Then there are some of the chauvinist rule-breakers who think that a woman can never triumph against them in any domain. I derive such immense pleasure and satisfaction when they are shown the exit door by a female, and that female being me by overtaking him and keeping him at bay not by speed alone but simple judgment and logic. I bask in the glory of my achievement of showing the man his place and enjoy the frustrated look on his face at the defeat which he so rightly deserves!

Why can’t these people understand that the right lane is for vehicles which drive at a fast speed and if by mistake or sheer stupidity they are in the wrong lane then they should suffer the consequences without creating a scene! And that the indicators are made for the purpose of indicating, so they should be used AND well before turning!

Though this is my daily experience of riding on Pune’s roads, the pleasures of riding my bike can never be snatched from me. A ride, be it short or long and through how much ever traffic and pollution, bring me back to life! And when you have an understanding and caring bike like mine nothing can stop you!!

BP: Wanna ride?

CP: Where’s your helmet?

Finally yesterday it happened. The thing I've been trying to put off for as long as possible. The initial stage of the shifting started.

It is the initial stage of nostalgia as well as there is a lot of bustling going on so don't exactly have time to stand and think. However the feeling of leaving a part of you back forever is stubbornly there. All dad's certificates are brought down leaving that wall bare. It seems to be pleading to have its jewels back, which it had adorned for more than 30 years.

The books came out first- Dad’s and mine. Some of them ignored in their shelves for years, preserved in the hope that they would be useful some time or to some one, but lay forgotten. My mark sheets from first standard, the first ever picture dictionary, the doctor set et cetera. This phenomenon is absolutely unexpected from me (courtesy BP). Of course thanks to CP I do guard the souvenirs with as much ardor as a hen guards her eggs or a mother her child. I cleared one shelf and the books summed up to be around 20-30 kgs!! The huge mountaineering bag which I carried for my trek is packed air-tight with my treasures.

The place which has seen my journey since the time I was brought from the hospital when I came into being, till now, which has been my home ever since, is going to be demolished. The trees which are my like grand-dad’s offsprings are going to be murdered ruthlessly. I catch him trying hard to save them by giving them away to people who he thinks will take good care of them. Reminds me of all the times when I shared my grief as well as joy with them when I could not trust humans to understand me. They gave me so much solace and peace, all that I needed. I can turn to them any time I wish to ruminate over anything and they are the perfect company. I hate to think how this place will be when the concrete monster, which I will have to call home, will stand in its monstrous victory on the graves of my grandad’s n my precious, beloved and most trusted friends. His dearest dream, his haven which he brought to life is going to cease to exist.

Nearly everyone is happy to be leaving thanks to certain prolonged disagreements which were already in an explosive state (or shall I say exploded every now and then at the slightest provocation) are now taking on an ugly demeanor. So taking into account everyone’s (primarily the elder ones’) interest this decision has been taken- to annihilate their dream so as to help them survive the rest of the life peacefully.

At a loss of words (This being the embryonic stage), I shall let the nostalgia blossom fully.

CP: *sigh*

BP: same pinch

A lazy Sunday afternoon. After suppressing the many urges and giving myself definite reasons for not writing a blog, conveniently ignoring the huge mountain of pending important work, here I set off creating one. God alone knows why!

Beginning the blog with the usual state of confusion. Thoughts wrecking havoc, in the teeny weeny space provided by the almighty in a box situated on my spinal cord, threatening to burst out of the already minute sphere of Grey matter.

The fear of not completing college work in time and, god forbid, getting it all wrong is, not so secretly, nagging me every minute now. Instead of getting these things, of mere material importance, in place, the Barbaric Part of my mind incessantly tries to wander away from the clutches of her Civilized counterpart. Finally the latter gave up and the former happily bounds away to explore the alien aspect of herself and of her humanized partner.

The concern of today's state of confusion is the choice of a means for earning my bread and butter. It is the concern of the Civilized part (should we call her CP for convenience purposes) so the Barbaric part (BP) has to, however unwillingly, take off some time from her routine productive wanderings to help CP. The process just having begun will definitely take a few days for both of them to agree on one option (which in itself is a herculean task). So I let them both free in the arena to discuss (if that possible without much bloodshed) their points of view.

Having temporarily resolved the problem of choice, I turn to another important aspect of my existence. I believe that I have been sent of this earth for serving my taste buds as against Socrates’s belief. So today being my dear Ganeshji’s birthday, mom having gone to the nearby temple for celebration, I not wanting to join in (supposedly studying at home) was left to my own devices to find or create the booty to do my job on earth for the afternoon.

Mission- Satisfy taste buds.

Method- First attempt at “Sabudana Khichadi”.

Weapons- Already soaked “Sabudana” and crude, self-developed culinary skills

Status- Successful

Mood- Content

BP does not seem to very much enjoy the encounter with CP on the (unnecessary for her) delicate issue so she continues to wander and wonder. Thinking of how people will react to whatever I’m writing and if they would bother and why on earth would they and do they have anything else to do and why don’t I get to have a dog and why the hell do we have to worry about what people say and if I don’t complete my college work on time how will CP react, actually that does not concern BP in any way but she still does care for CP, they both being inseparable (courtesy: God and in a way me).

I guess this much is enough for the first post, CP and BP are too busy to give an opinion so I end it here, besides its not running away anywhere. hehe.. The results of the incomplete arena might be put up when BP decides or is forced back, by either CP or me, to finish off the discussion in the most calm way possible.

BP: Can we just stay put and be fed whatever comes our way? Or keep running behind clouds, capture them and make them into whichever shape we want???

CP: Forever?