The Unstable Atom

Reflecting over life through weird, crazy, ever changing, euphoric, absurd, confused and at times impartial lenses -a journey of curiosity and questions with my two alter egos.. as I try to fall out of the stagnation of instability.. or the desperate attempt to remain..

So! I will give it straight- I wished for a different perspective for everyone this new year, and i was blessed with one too! It was a sudden thing. I don't know what happened. Maybe its something to do with my "pace" the time it takes for my self to internalize and realize things for real, even though i know them already for a long time. But yes it happened. One evening/night i was depressed, thought i usually end up crying to vent out this evening i cried only a little bit and then realized that the hurt and all those things i so clutched to my chest are not there any more.. I didn't feel heavy, though was a little sad. I slept off that night and the next morning when i got up i felt like a different person! I didn't have to depend on anyone the previous night, i didn't talk to the usual people nor did i look for it. I felt self-sufficient in all aspect, though i always was, this feeling was a truly liberating one. And it had nothing to do with any big change or event in life! the next day was eventful. I enjoyed every bit of it, including a goodbye.
The evening was an unexpected one. I was totally a different self. I didn't do that one thing i always do and end up more sad. The most important part is i didn't even feel like doing it. i was just so happy with my own company and the friends around that i didn't need anyone else. I felt at peace. Truly. And then i got something i always wanted. Though the source from where i got it was a little different that what i had imagined. But then with my new realization i decided to go with it, and i haven't been disappointed so far.
My philosophy of looking beyond appearances has truly been put to test and, I'm happy to say, has passed with flying colors! :D :) Connections always happen, sometimes hidden beneath a lot of baggage or at times different life styles and just the fact that two people involved are very different from each other! All you need is a knee eye and an open heart (like i always say), courage and hope to give it a go. To just take what life has in store and what life offers you takes a lot more courage and is much more difficult that what it sounds like. It does not mean not doing anything and letting things happen. It means actually accepting what is happening. :) Even if its not what you had wanted initially. Thats a big deal! :) My new perspective is going well so far.. What bout you? Any learning or epiphanies early in the year?! :D

The familiar feeling of dread slowly settles in.. It comes in form of a deep flipping over of the gut. I sit at my desk today with no desire to do anything. I just sit and lazily even morosely flip through Pottermore and fantastic beasts. I get sorted into my Hogwarts (once more- Gryffindor) and Ilvermorny (Thunderbird) houses. It lifts my mood a bit since Gryffindors are brave and Thunderbirds are adventurers and represent the soul. I checked Thunderbird on fantastic beasts i liked the description too of being able to create a storm all by flapping of their wings. It also connects to my Chinese zodiac of a Dragon and some qualities of the Fish too! So it makes my mood a little lighter. I go on to read bits and pieces on Pottermore and trying to find out more about the Swooping Evil, all the time swooning and sighing over Eddie! Slowly as the day progresses my mood gets darker. I have a few discussions with colleagues over piece of work. Somehow what I was expecting to be a fun-filled day turned out to be a bit of a dull haze. Slowly people start leaving for the day, wishing everyone happy new year. I wish them back. I move the contents of my bag to a backpack so its easier to carry. And then i wait for time to pass. I check-up on my friend about the timing for me to reach his place. I'm looking forward to the weekend but a sense of dread has surrounded me and is just sitting in my throat and gut like a lump of stubborn tar. I will go about the activities as planned. Maybe the air outside will make me feel a better. I like the cold. The office is all empty now save for a few team mates trying to salvage an unexpected critical work situation. Everyone seems happy though, i somehow feel a bit detached. Wonder what it is. I will now book a cab and set in motion the weekend. This is how my last day of the year at work ends. As non-dramatic as possible! But then thats how life is, its always been upto me to create the drama, being the Dragon and Thunderbird that i am! :) Signing off 2016 with a "Cheers" Have a lovely year ahead, and may god bless you with one or many different perspectives the coming year! Take care..

She was full of fire.. Crackling, roaring, soothing..
He was water.. Calm, quiet, soothing..
They knew in the first glance they had to be together..
he stayed away for reasons he refused to confess..
He stayed well away, craving, dying each passing moment..
Each time their eyes met it was liquid fire erupting..
One fine day she couldn't take it anymore..
Mesmerized by her soft warm glow, he gave in too..
As their lips met for the very first time, she knew it was the end of her..
And she closed her eyes smiling, knowing it was into him..

A few moments passed and the world didn't go dark but both felt something..
Something different.. As if a distant dream coming closer.. They opened their eyes to find they were fused, the water didn't douse the fire but they both turned into each other..
Together they were a volcano, liquid fire, erupting wildly and then flowing serenely together..
They were fire and water, alive together.. :)

It's a continuum, where on this line your actions fall is decided by the gravity/intensity of your desire.
Not just the "want" but the "need" to do something is also a desire. Actions driven by a sense of duty/responsibility are also desires. The desire to fulfill the duty, even if its against something you would rather do, it is still your desire. There is nothing called as sacrifice. Sacrifice is just something we invent to put ourselves or people on a pedestal. Ethics are at a personal level and people try to justify their actions against these ethics. Most people pick up society-wise excepted norms as their own ethics and then when they have a desire that goes against these ethics they try to bend n mold it so that it doesn't seem to be unethical to the "society". Its a way of wanting to be accepted and lauded. But do any of us ask ourselves what are ethics? For me they are just a way of life, something that saves you from guilt. But then guilt would itself exist only if you have ethics. So why this self-invented restriction? Just to maintain a semblance of sanity? Now, who is to decide whats sane and whats insane? That's a continuum too. What matters most aside from these tags of ethical, unethical, right, wrong, good, bad is how you feel and how you make someone feel strip of these tags. Did the action in itself in some secret corner of your heart below all this forced guilt, make you feel happy? In the true sense of the word happy? If it did then it doesn't matter whether it is ethical or unethical. Choose what makes you happy. You owe it to yourself.

He looked at her from the corner of his eyes
Never for too long. Just a quick glimpse
Some days he wouldn't look at all, even if she was standing right in front of him.
She wondered how he could not. But then he was a bit different, maybe not very different from the other men but was a bit.
He thought of her, much more than she thought he did.
He remembered the times they were together. It was quiet mostly. Because he was quiet. She tried to talk, he did too a bit.
but probably something was amiss. But it didn't mean that he didn't like her. This is how he is.
She deserved more than he could offer. So he just restrained himself to watching her from the corner of his eye some times.
There was someone else for him. But this one was a mystery, even if she said she wasn't. Even if she wore her heart on her sleeve. Her thought were a mystery. The whole package was too surreal, too beautiful to behold. It was too much for him to look her in the eye.
Whereas, she looked people straight in the eye. Unafraid, pure burning like fire.
He was afraid she would burn him too who knew what powers those bright eyes held..
Though they weren't as bright as he remembered them from the first time around. But he had no doubts about how they could light up in an instant. The fire was there inside just waiting to be let out..
So he just resumed to watching from the corner of his eyes..
He thought she didn't, but she did notice.. For she had corners of eyes too.. Though she didn't use them that much. She didn't need to.

There is a pond, somewhere along the road.
You most definitely will see it, but you need to recognize it.
A pond for weary travelers to rest at in the course of their journey.
Come sit by me for a minute traveler. Take a sip of these cool waters, you look tired, splash some on your hot sweaty face and dry eyes. Rest a bit beneath the shade of this big old gnarled green friend of mine. Lay down on the grass besides me. Close your eyes and feel the light breeze caress your face as it does mine.
For you have come far and you have fought hard.. Your journey is long. Sit by the tree and contemplate a little lazily. Run your thoughts by me, the ones that no one else can hear or understand. Pluck out the frustration raging in your head and the tiredness of your heart. I'm here for you, i will take it all in. Take a sip of me, and when you feel well and refreshed, go on to your calling.
But, hey traveler, do turn back and bid me adieu.. Traveler, do remember me won't you? As a little pond who quenched your thirst when you needed it the most..
For the pond was once a traveler too.. She sat there one fine day on her journey towards her calling. She sat there an saw traveler after travel being relieved by her presence.. And as powerlessly as always, she fell in love. This was her calling. For the pond was meant to stay there, to help you fulfill your calling..
Even though sometimes her waters run muddy or low because someone was too harsh or took too much. But she reaches deep inside herself to fulfill her duties. She works hard.. For her heart is of a traveler too.. Do remember her, won't you? :)

The moment of awareness when you realise your conscious is making a decision that might drastically change the course your life is going to take. This mostly happens out of depression or sorrow. Most of the times we don't become aware of it as a third neutral person. For example the sad and the happy side are arguing, and the sad side is winning in taking a decision. But the neutral side suddenly awakens and realises what is happening and so now its the neutral side that needs to decide which side it wants to take! There is this turmoil this war that rages on inside. There are multiple triggers. And right now I'm all for letting the sad side win. Probably cause its easier. It is an easy way out. It will cause more pain, not just to me but to people who love me- family and some friends perhaps. Its like an existential crisis too. Wherein i feel like consciously starting to smoke again in hope that i will fall fatally ill, cause I cannot bring myself up to suicide and don't really want to end my life. But if something had to happen which was reversible and which would mean my life ending abnormally early then I'm all for it. Its just exhaustion from all the drama that happens in my head, all the thinking, overthinking, analysing.. its overwhelming at times. The state of just not getting what i want the way i want. The stubbornness of not accepting what I am getting. The feeling of "I'm so done", of giving up and yet not wanting to give up, of feeling drained and burnt out and yet wanting to just keep going on! Hope and helplessness and tiredness together are not a good combination i guess. It just wreaks havoc on a person's head, maybe just on my head but nonetheless. Yelling doesn't help, crying doesn't, neither does being angry or sad or laughing or nothing helps! Its like a deep hole somewhere deep inside that i just cannot reach to fill it up. Its the war in my head that is exhausting. But I'm a fighter, not a quitter, so i will go on. Though deep down i wish i could just let go of everything, everyone even myself and just float.. somehow.. devoid of any feeling, any burdens.. I wonder how it would feel..